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  1. Yesterday
  2. Great article. Time for me to print it and post it near every phone in the house.
  3. I have not read the article yet, but I will say that my granddaughter is the one that tells me "Mamol, you have to learn to say "no" you never tell them no and your going to have to. I am going to read this, but I don't know if I ever will be able to say "no" unless I really don't have it. I don't know if I can live with myself and yes, they do know it, and I know I am being taken advantage of. Right now one is doing without a TV, I have three and would give one to this person but I cannot travel that far right now. I just don't know if I can say no and live with myself.. Now I will read and make a copy of the note you sent. ADDENDUM: I did read it, I printed it out.
  4. Marg, my dear, I know you've not asked for my advice or input, but I feel compelled to share this article with you. Take it or leave it ~ but know that I, for one, do not think you are obligated in any way to put your own needs and that of your granddaughter aside so that you are "left with a bare minimum for three of us to live 10 days," or required to be "supporting five people now," or to find yourselves holding your breath at the end of the month, hoping you'll have enough to survive. That does not sound like a healthy approach to your own life, or a responsible way to care for your granddaughter, who is still a minor and truly dependent upon you for her care and livelihood. You are not a bank, but in effect you are allowing these other family members to regard you as such. I wish with all my heart that you can find a way to say "NO" without feeling guilty. If you cannot do it for yourself, I wish you would do it for your granddaughter. Is this the example you wish to set for her? Here is the article: Boundaries: Why You Must Learn to Say 'No'
  5. Tachi

    Mom

    Got the second jury summons today. I emailed and explained and asked to be let go. Frabkly am terrified to go downtown and go to jury duty. for many reasons. But I know they could care less and they will insist I show up, I will need to decide if i go and ask to be released or just no show and get arrested. Do the bad times ever end? Its been a steady stream since october, life just needs to chill for a bit.
  6. Tachi

    Mom

    You should post some of your cards. I pushed myself so hard the last couple years on artschool and couldnt understand why I just didnt get it. Couldnt handle failing at it repeatedly so i stopped. It will be a hobby, I am an artist and thats my only passion in life so i can no more give it up than stop breathing. At the end here I think maybe it's all about just enjoying it. the creativity. Thats why ive been so out of sorts because I havent even tried doing any art for months. I think our Moms would have gotten along well, probably drink some tea, have some cookies and chatted. Attached please find my work. made in a 3d program Vue, not painted or anything. Creating is how I drift away and find peace. Dad gave me Moms old laptop as I'm studying for my certification in IT and try and find a job. Inside I found a music cd. Have been wanting to play it but still working up the courage. Tried listening to george Strait, her favorite but couldnt make it. In time I want a tshirt that I will wear to remember her by. My dad seems to be doing well but I think his mind is slipping . And I knew that he had some thinking issues, have seen them for a couple years. I see a need to do more for him but i'm afraid now that I wont have enough time to study. I know he would love to have me just sit with him all day but I cant. Guess I will work that out. Thank you for helping. this is a dark road. Scott
  7. Blue Captain

    Distant Dad After Mom's Death

    Today is Mom's anniversary and it's a painful difficult day. The radio played Mom's song on the way to school and it took all I had not to curl up in the backseat and cry, especially when I saw mothers drop their kids off at my brother's school. The little man, thankfully, is handling this day better than me. At school, time is like jello. It's hard for me to concentrate and a real effort not to totally space out. My classmates are noticing that I'm not on the top of my game. I hope I can keep it together... just a few more hours. My brother and I are visiting Mom after school.
  8. Perhaps I should say nothing. My granddaughter tells me that I just need to tell these people "no" but she does not think about her being in the midst of all my problems too. Gwen, my problems are completely different. The fur babies may have to stay in a kennel while you stay in rehab. Visit places before you go to rehab. When Billy was sick, the five weeks he was "down" I never thought about asking for help. I had my son living with me and actually my daughter, granddaughter and an unmentionable person. (Unmentionable, because I want to call her names that are ......unmentionable). And then, all of a sudden we had a visiting nurse and a rehab person visiting us often. Who were these people? I didn't ask for them. Yet, they were there to "tend to Billy." Perhaps you will have those also. Maybe you can stay in your home and they can come to you. Yesterday I gave away money that was needed by a family member. "Do you need it, will you have enough to make it?" I was asked this. Well, they had to have it, would never have asked otherwise. It left me with a bare minimum for three of us to live 10 days. (They will pay me back in 10 days and then borrow it again) so I said no to the paying back. This happens every month. I pay all my bills on the 1st of the month, so I do not owe bills for the next 10 days, but my son is here, groceries still to buy. In effect, I am supporting five people now. One never asks, but this time I was let know how much he has to make it till the 1st, so I fill up a truck tank and give money. At the end of the month my granddaughter and I both are holding our breath. Just say "no" Mamol. How can I say no when I have all I need, nothing I really want, and the guilt I pay for them doing without is not worth the penny pinching I will have to do. How can I leave them in need to just keep it from them? They need. I have. I give. Plain and simple. All I want is a stone to put on our grave plot. Not much to want but impossible to get in light of the need otherwise. I get a lot of money in retirement for one individual, but not so much for five. Say "no" and I cannot. Sorry.........just another thing that we have problems with. Some face it alone. Some of us are rubber bands. Do you remember the rubber bands that used to come on the newspapers that were threw into the yard, driveway, porch? My dad had a long cup holder screwed into the wall. The newspaper would come, he would put the rubber band on that cup holder. Over the years, those rubber bands deteriorated. Some of us have the problems of facing life all alone. That is hell. Some of us have the problems of being stretched like that old rubber band.
  9. No answers, only empathy from me...I struggle alone too sometimes, needing to be two people, in two places at one time. I crammed so much in to my Wednesday a week ago, had to take the dog to the vet, back home and drop him off, then drive to the city (50-60 miles away), meet with tax person, go to Costco (way across town) and Winco to get groceries, get gas, drive the sixty miles home, haul everything in, put it all away, walk the dog, feed the animals, fix something to eat...I didn't know how I was going to fit it all in but somehow I did it. It would have been quicker and simpler with George around. I think the harder thing you're dealing with, dear Gwen, are the medical issues, you could really use Steve's help taking care of you, not to mention what the TLC would do for you. We feel so vulnerable and helpless when we aren't physically at our best.
  10. kayc

    Mom

    Your talking about your dad making the bed brought me a smile. It took me back to something I'd long forgotten...when I was a little girl my mom taught us how to make the bed, complete with perfect corners on our sheets. (I don't recall if I showed those to my kids or not.) In later years I bought a fluffy comforter to throw on the bed, it covered a multitude of imperfections and looked great! Our parent's generation was fastidious about such things. I think it's sweet of your dad for trying. My mom also had a vase of flowers on the table, often roses, sometimes a magnolia bloom, she had a beautiful garden and yard...I didn't inherit her green thumb! Sounds like your mom and mine were related! I'd love to see your landscapes! I have an artistic bent...I don't paint or anything that great but I do make cards, have been doing them for over 30 years.
  11. I sure can relate to what you are saying Gwen. There is no way I can adequately describe the feelings of being left to fend for myself and swim the storms of grief. Each day poses the same troubles, day after day just trying to keep your head above water. And when the huge waves hit I often hope the end will be soon. I keep going because I must. This wasn't in our plans but every day brings an opportunity to to find something to hold on to. I hope you will find something to hold on to Gwen.
  12. kayc

    Distant Dad After Mom's Death

    You don't have to be that way, it's totally up to you how you turn out. I didn't mention it with that idea in mind, but rather the regret your dad will feel one day when his life slows down and he sees all he missed. Oh my gosh, really! I'm sorry that's the only response your youth pastor could think up, good grief! He missed the more important picture (no pun intended) in stopping to get hung up on less significant details. I'm sorry, some people are judgmental and carry things to the letter of the law, but in so doing miss loving just like the Pharisees Jesus chastised. Don't worry about it, you have a tender heart, I think Jesus understands.
  13. I’m siting here in what I call the witching hour. Going on midnight, reliving another day alone I got thru, still have a few hours til bed. I have 2 things on my mind I have to tend to that 2 people could solve easily. But I have to make priority choices as always. It always causes high anxiety as it just keeps happening over and over again. How simple life was when we could divide and conquer. Now I have to figure where to move things to do it all myself. Vet appointment or reschedule so I can have the car dealer listen to an odd noise in my engine today? I have to decide on back surgery and staying in a rehab place because he’s not here so I can come home. Means care for the dogs, being alone in some rehab place for a week or two. Have someone come stay here, no way on that one. This is where I really get so depressed wondering where is my partner? Obviously Steve and I could handle those easily. Outsiders have all thier opinions and truly don’t get it. Especially the doctors. It’s all just procedures to them, no big deal. Sorry, just rambling because this happens so often and it doesn’t get any easier like so many think. Another night of crying myself to sleep and waking up where is the one that supported me as I did them for so long. No caregiver for me when I need it. It’s so unfair. So lonely. So sucks the motivation to keep going. I’m so tired of feeling I can’t breathe without him.
  14. Last week
  15. iPraiseHim

    Distant Dad After Mom's Death

    Blue Captain, I read your posts with empathy and pain. You sound like you are doing the best you can in spite of the circumstances. It is difficult to understand adults even when they are your parents. I am a Christian and my views on parents, adults, people, and God has changed over the years. My prayers are simple and is what helps me through every trial and challenge of life. "Lord, help me" . God's Word says that when you seek God with your whole heart you will find him. God forgives us on a much deeper level than I understood when I was young. One of my favorite names of God is "ABBA" which means Daddy God. He is our loving farther and protector as well. I will continue to pray and intercede for you that God will send you a trustworthy mentor to help and guide you on your Christian path. Check into Christian clubs on campus, this website may help https://intervarsity.org/ and this place has good resources. https://www.wretched.org/wretched-mission/ Shalom
  16. iPraiseHim

    Funnies: Things That Make Us Laugh

    I laugh every time I watch this...
  17. ListeningFriend

    Distant Dad After Mom's Death

    Hi Blue Captain, I love the advice of kayc and MartyT, and like them I am relieved by your maturity in this difficult situation. It is good that you are a Christian, I hope that you do not ever neglect your faith because it will help you and your brother with this situation. I can tell from your words that you are very polite and probably has some sort of good education and modeling as far as behavior is concerned. Although the adults you mentioned are quite right that you are financially and physically provided for that is never enough. Nevertheless, thank God for these blessings because it could have been worse. The advice given so far are excellent, in my opinion. So I would like to share my opinion on two things not covered. First of all, I just want to tell you that some youth pastors can be a nightmare. Some youth pastors romantically imagine serving God because it seems cool but have not taken the time to find out if it really suits them and further down the road, eventually lead young people astray. I know several sad stories among them my nephew who just lost his mother and the youth pastor instigated a cruel prank on him. I just want to impress on you that when you go to college, check up on your brother once in a while, which you already mentioned. The other thing is finding God’s will. While there is no formula, sometimes Scriptures speak to you directly, sometimes through the advice of mature Christians and sometimes you just become more aware of certain things, like when your eyes are drawn to a red car and suddenly you start noticing red cars more than cars of other colors. I read a booklet from Charles Swindoll called Knowing God’s Will. I checked his website and they might have expanded it because the title is a bit different. I got the link for you here https://store.insight.org/p-1286-finding-and-following-gods-will.aspx. I assume that you have some means to get this. Finally, would it be okay to pray for you, your brother and most of all your dad? I just so burdened by your story when I saw it that I felt the need to join this forum. I am also a Christian who has gone through a bit. So, I want to help others if I can. Thank you for this opportunity.
  18. Tachi

    Mom

    Thx kay....Dad said that after he made the bed he could see Mom standing there shaking her head. She would make the bed as she got out of it and it would be perfect. It does help Dad that we can talk about Mom and smile. Going to put some rose bushes in for her and Mom always had a small vase of fresh flowers on the dining table that came from the yard. Dad wants to keep that going as a remembrance. Of the few people Mom knew I have sent thank you cards letting them know she has passed and thanking them for being so sweet to her. I know you're right I have to put me back together. Going thru pages of noted and getting back to studying and getting back to artwork. At 60 i'm out of work and studying for basic IT certification so I can hopefully move into a low IT job and not return to retail mgt. I have great respect for both you and your Mom, you are so strong. Thank you for helping me and for helping everyone. It really makes a difference. When I get some landscapes done will see if I can upload them here. Take care, Scott
  19. MartyT

    Distant Dad After Mom's Death

    If the quotes you've shared with us are any indication of the sort of advice you're getting from the adults you know, my friend, then you are wise to "never speak to another adult again" ~ at least, not to THOSE adults. Telling you that things could've been much worse is totally irrelevant, has nothing to do with you, and completely discounts what you are experiencing! Telling a motherless teen whose dad is ignoring or neglecting his children that he needs to "give Dad space" serves only to do the same. Besides, how are you supposed to know what that means ~ to give Dad space? You are not the parent in this situation, and it is not your responsibility to be taking care of your father (or your little brother, for that matter). It is your dad's responsibility to be taking care of you. The fact that he is still mourning the death of your mom is no excuse. He owes it to his children to take care of his grief in such a way that he still can take care of you ~ and that may mean that he needs the support of a qualified grief counselor. You shouldn't be placed in the position of doing a better job of parenting your little brother than your father is doing, but it seems as if that is exactly the position in which you find yourself, and for that, I am truly sorry. I hope that when you get away from home and begin your life in college, you'll discover that not all adults are as uncaring and as insensitive as the ones you've been exposed to so far. I hope that at your business school you will find a teacher or a school counselor who has some experience with grief, and the profound effects that parent loss and absent parenting can have on a child. Meanwhile, I hope that you will do some reading yourself, so you'll have a better understanding of what is normal in grief and what you can do to cope with it ~ as well as how you can support your little brother under these less than ideal circumstances. See, for example, Never the Same: Coming to Terms with the Death of A Parent ~ a book you can pick up at your local library, or you can find it on Amazon. You might find one or more of these articles to be of interest as well: Teen Grief: Mourning the Death of a Parent Helping Grieving Children: A List of Suggested Resources
  20. Blue Captain

    Distant Dad After Mom's Death

    Dear Madam KayC, Thank you for your kind words. I listened to Cats in the Cradle, it was very scary. Is there really a huge scientific possibility that I will turn out like my Dad one day--that I'll be a distant dad whose only role is to provide financially for his family? That scares me so much, so please forgive me if my first words sound very rude. I'm just really scared by the possibility. But I like to think that my rotten childhood will drive me to be the opposite of a distant Dad. I tell my brother stories about Mom and show her pictures every chance I get, assure him that he loved her (and Dad too, before everything with south). Stories aren't enough but it's the best I can do to share about Mom. I had to make my brother keep quiet about it though, make it our "guy secret." He seems thrilled and imagines that we are secret agents handling important info. I see that you're a Christian, so am I. I tried talking to a youth pastor once and told him everything, even the smuggled pictures. He said I stole the pictures and sinned. Did I? I prayed that night for God to forgive me, that the pictures are all I've got left of Mom. When I talk about something to the youth pastor I'm always told to pray for God's will, read the Bible and be quiet to hear it. Thing is nobody showed me how finding God's will in the Bible works. Like to do I open the Bible at some random page and do what's in there? As to prayer, I don't know how to know that something is God's will. What the signs are--that kind of thing. No definite advice like "Here's what you're going to do." If it's not too much trouble, could you please give me some tips on how this works? With respect and thanks, Blue Captain *** Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you for your kind words. I tried to talk to adults before. And their reply was the same. It was along the lines of "Your father is grieving, it's not easy." or "Look at it from your father's point. He lost his wife, but he's still providing for you." or "There are other kids who are abused by their guardians, you could've been much worse." While I am indeed thankful that my brother and I are well-cared for, we are both really desperate for Dad's attention. Since all the adults I spoke to told me to give Dad space, I never spoke to another adult again. I guess I got tired of hearing the same reply. I am indeed preparing for college. I will be going to a business school a little far from home. It is difficult for my brother too. At least he's relaxing when I told him that we can Skype or call each other and that I'd be home during Christmas and the summer or if I have a chance in between. With respect and thanks, Blue Captain
  21. Hello All Today is my beloved Rick's birthday- he would have been 65. I had some wonderful, blessed events happen last night and this morning. I took the day off from work because I'm too emotional to do anything away from our home. I've posted before about the MiniCooper's radio giving me messages- it happened again twice last week. I leave the radio on for the dogs while I'm at work. My mom was a bit of a 'cougar'- her long-time sig. other, Tom, was 20 years her junior, and HER song was Rod Stewart's Maggie May. Rick and I had an artisan jam and marmalade business. When he went to get the personalized plates for the van, he wanted Jammin, but that taken, so he settled on Marmvan. Our theme song was Eddie Grant's 'We Jammin, I'd love to be jammin with you'.........Guess what song was playing the second I walked in the door last night? WE Jammin, followed by Maggie May!!! So both my mom and Rick are hanging out together! Then my sister called last night about 8. I hung up, put the phone of the coffee table and went into the kitchen to feed the dogs. The phone then rang as the intercom......totally different ring tone and tempo. The other handset for the intercom is down in the guest house! Guess Who!!! Then this morning when getting up ( I still sleep on the couch) I looked at the TV/Sat remote on the coffee table, and it's all lit up! The buttons only light up when you touch it! All this on the eve of and on his birthday! I feel truly blessed to have been given these messages. I know I'll be devastated if they stop, but for now, I am truly grateful. Happy Birthday, my honey- you were, and always will be, the best thing that ever happened to me! I love you! Peace to All Steph
  22. We are fortunate that nowadays, no matter where we live, so many grief resources are as near as the keyboard on our computers. Many are aimed specifically at single dads and young widowers like yourself. You'll find a number of such online resources listed in this article, Resources for Young Widow(er)s, which I hope you will find helpful. (See also some of the links included at the base of the post.)
  23. MartyT

    Distant Dad After Mom's Death

    Dear one, you don't say whether you have any close relatives whose support you can rely upon, but I hope for your sake that one or more of the adults in your life are there for you. Are your teachers (and your brother's teachers) at school aware of your home situation? I imagine that, given your age, you are close to graduating from high school and maybe preparing to leave home for college ~ and I imagine your concern for your younger brother is affecting whatever choices or plans or dreams you may have to begin making an independent life for yourself. I am so sorry that you're in such a difficult and challenging situation. If there is a guidance counselor or a teacher at your school whom you can trust, I urge you to make an appointment with that person and share what you have written here. This is way too much responsibility for you to be bearing alone at your age. You need and deserve the guidance of an adult on whom you can depend ~ but first you need to let someone know what is going on in your family.
  24. kayc

    Distant Dad After Mom's Death

    Blue Captain, I am so sorry. You are very adult for your age, you've had to deal with way too much, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry this impacted your childhood so much, and that of your brother. You at least have memories of your mother, but your brother hasn't even got that. I'm glad your brother has you. You probably wonder who you have. This reminds me of the Cat's in the Cradle song because I can see the handwriting on the wall. I'm glad you were able to smuggle out some pictures before they were locked up. Some people are uncomfortable with death, with grief and they really don't know what to do with it...as if ignoring it is the solution. You have seen that doesn't solve anything. I know no one can "make" anyone do anything, they can't force response, I'm sure people have tried talking to your dad. All you can do is live your life the best you can and someday if you have kids, BE THERE for them. Be the dad you always wanted.
  25. kayc

    Mom

    Scott, You made it through the service, now it's time to focus more on you and begin the healing process...don't worry how long it takes, it takes what it takes. My mom didn't cry at my dad's funeral, I did. She came home and started emptying his closet and getting rid of his things. I was shocked. I realize now that we all handle this differently and it's not like there's a wrong way and a right way, only our way. I can assure you, over the next 32 years, my mom missed my dad greatly, how she hung in there all those years I don't know. It helped her that I'd talk about him from time to time, she said no one else brought him up, like they were afraid of upsetting her...not like she forgot him, not for a moment! Now I understand because my own husband has been gone nearly 13 years. I miss my mom, she's the one person who would understand what I'm going through now, but she's been gone 3 1/2 years. I'm sure they'll excuse you for jury duty. If not, go and don't hold in your tears, be the basket case you feel and they'll let you go for sure! 😉
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