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  1. Today
  2. For my beloved Jan...the love of my life...my everything... I´ll always love you...forever and ever...for eternity... Forever, yours, Janka
  3. My father's ashes

    I looked up the EEOC online, and it seems to apply mostly to discriminatory abuse...having a bully boss apparently seems to be just an unfortunate situation but not a legal problem. I'm not sure that it applies. I think a lot of it is playing favorites. He likes people who are inadequate but obsequious and tries hard to keep them. My last bully boss had the same preferences. Since I am neither, it leaves me out in the cold. I suppose those would be the preferences of a very insecure person - someone who doesn't threaten them and good at boot-licking. In contrast, I am smart and competent, and not given to false flattery or sycophancy. Education was probably a poor choice for me. Mediocrity really rules the scene. And I suppose for a man like Michael, I suppose these people make him feel smart. I am not sure that anything is going to really help much here because the bottom line is that he is very insecure and finds me threatening. That is not likely to change. I think I have to survive the rest of the school year and figure out where to go next... I remember my dad saying that when he got to be retirement age, he was going to dye his hair and go into a new field. Unfortunately, he got Parkinson's and none of that panned out. By the time he was out here and declining he no longer remembered that when I asked him. I wonder why he was thinking that when he was mid career. He must have been bored. I wonder what he would have done...
  4. Totally relate. I'm taking a mini-vacation in San Juan. We always went to the Virgin I in Mar and this is my attempt to get some sun without retracing our steps. I got out the bag I wanted to take and the end pocket had clothespins and sponges neatly packed by Susan from one of our sailing trips. I looked in our closet, which is very empty since I gave Susan's winter coats away yesterday, for some 3 oz sunscreen, and there it was in a ziploc bag along with insect repellent. Susan was amazing at packing for our trips. She had spreadsheets for sailing and for camping. These memories trigger grief attacks, later if not now. Hard to believe I'll ever not be sad.
  5. Sad again

    Kevin, you're right all this stuff is a diversion and then something else happens and you feel like you're back at square one. My last psychologist appointment began with me telling her about our day when he passed, his passing, the funeral, his families feeling towards me and more. After crying the full hour while telling her the story, I have to admit that I felt much better. This was this past Monday, Tues and Wed were okay... Thurs little things began popping in my head and yesterday and today have been totally lost. It took a while to figure out what caused this... the radio had ads on about camping and trailers. every time I heard it, it gave my heart a little more sadness. We loved going to trailer shows and in fact when we got home last summer we bought the trailer of our dreams. We used it three times last summer before we had to store it. Now the excitement of this summer camping and travelling is making me wish that I wasn't here anymore. I know that I could never harm myself because of my family... but I'm missing Tom so much now that all the things i did to move forward aren't helping much
  6. Yesterday
  7. You are in my heart and thoughts.....Cookie
  8. Gwen, my heart goes out to you. I know what you are saying. I had that feeling just getting knee surgery...I needed him so much and as it's taking me some time to recover I miss him so terribly. You will be in my thoughts. I wish there was some way to make this better. If you find it, will you share.....take care, Cookie
  9. Janka: So sorry...just now read your post. It's so hard sometimes. I also feel like I can't stand another minute of sorrow and pain, then magically it lifts some, but sometimes I'm not looking forward to the future because it seems like it will be filled with this up and down.....take care, Cookie
  10. TomPB: I also go from okay to intense grief still. It can be discouraging. I related to you saying you didn't know how to ride the wave. Not sure I understand either. These feelings seem to come of their own accord and leave the same way. Sometimes it makes me crazy...no control over it and tired of it also.....Cookie
  11. Thanks Kayc: I just wonder what people like that are doing in a helping profession?
  12. My father's ashes

    I don't know about the EEOC. I'll look into it, and also into getting an appropriate recording device. As to recording conversations, in Arizona it is a "One Party" state. If one person knows it is being recorded, such as the person doing the recording, it is ok. I suppose the truth is that it has become a hostile work environment. He has told me that "every single teacher" in all three of my schools has complained about me. He has stated that "every staff" has complained about me in confidence and he will not tell me who said anything or what they said. He told me that if he asks me to do something that is illegal, impossible, or unreasonable, it is insubordination if I don't do it. He also told me that if my work is above the level of the other school psychologist and I do things more thoroughly and on a shorter timeline than she, he can arbitrarily add higher levels than the expectations for her and it is ok because "she is not on an improvement plan - only you are". I guess I need to start recording these things, and to make a list of things I need to bring up again so that I can get him to respond to them when I am recording him. Sigh...
  13. My father's ashes

    I think you are right. Unfortunately, the other psychologist has told me that the person in Human resources who would do this is not anywhere near smart enough to help with this, or even find her way through this. When I learned who this HR person is, I agreed. She looks very average and I think the subtitles of this are way over her head. And the only other person would be the superintendent, and that would make him furious. During our last bout (Thursday), he pulled in Suellen, the SpEd coordinator who has come to be his assistant rather than doing what had formerly been her job, to "mediate" as he put it. She was reluctant, but agreed, and it was really helpful. She told me when I had a problem with him in the fall that I should listen to him carefully because he frequently leaves out important pieces as he talks and you can't understand what he says without pointing that out and getting him to go back and fill them in. I realized when I woke up Friday morning that this is the key - or at least one of them. When he talks I think he is (like most people) mainly aware of what is going on inside his own head. He remembers what he was thinking and figures that is what he said and that one thought/sentence logically followed the other, like a sting of lights in rope lighting, all in a logical row. Unfortunately, that is not the case. When I listen to him talk, I listen like an attorney in a courtroom to every little detail of every thing he says because I really want to understand what he is saying to me. But when I listen to him it is like looking at fireflies that are moving all over the place and sometimes even disappearing and reappearing. He contradicts himself and changes nuances and details of what he is saying as he goes. This is very hard to follow, as hard as I try. I am sure that I look confused and he goes into a frustrated rage as I become increasingly terrified. Suellen has a lot of experience in finding meaning in what he says and interpreting the essence of what he is saying. Also, when she was there, I said some things like "In meeting one you said do one thing. In meeting two I said can I do another thing instead, and you said yes. In the third meeting you said you wanted both things and some other things as well. Also you have asked me to do some other things that were not part of the original plan that will make it virtually impossible for me to do my job. I don't understand how I can do all of that and not get horrible behind." With her there, he agreed to go back to what he had started with. We ended up with a plan for the following week that is entirely doable. I brought up the idea that the plan might be rewritten so that it is clear, concrete, and specific - something that a person could achieve and it would be clear that they had in fact been successful. I also mentioned that what I knew of improvement plans is that it was done after ordinary communication, and after which normal attempts to get a change had failed. This was not true. That all made him furious. The truth is that he has written a plan that was not cold correctly in any way, he adds to it with any new information, he actually goes out trolling for more confidential input, and it is so vague he things anything related to communication is part of the plan because the word "communication" was in the original wording. I have also realized that he is very susceptible to sycophants and obsequiousness. Cindy the SpEd teacher as well as Becca that I had trouble with earlier in the year are very much like this and he eats it up. Loves them. That item about not demeaning people should have read, "Cindy does not like Laura and the fact that a school psychologist with extensive experience knows more than a brand new SpEd teacher makes Cindy feel really bad. This goal will be met when Cindy has decided she likes Laura and complains about her once a month or less, instead of almost daily." Then it would have been clear, concrete, specific, and quantifiable. So he is always going to side with Cindy and hold all of her comments in confidence. I reviewed my behaviors with Cindy (all that I knew of) one by one, because he had seem me do similar things, or the same thing, over and over. I asked him if he thought there was anything wrong with any of these things when he saw them. He said "no, of course not". I asked him, so what is wrong with them and they are on my improvement plan as "Don't demean staff...). He said, "Well, she didn't like it."
  14. That is all we can hope and pray for. This little family is so special and I am so sorry for their torment. Reading on this forum, we all take our grief in different directions and their torment is unimaginable. My "mustard seed faith" at times seems so lacking and remembering the hospice book given to me by my mama's nurse. It is common to question God and turn your anger toward him, and sometimes I just look over my shoulder and shake my head. In praying, I want it to go further than the ceiling. This little family needs prayer warriors, but we still have to watch what we say. Our belief, even disorganized belief, is not everyone's.
  15. My father's ashes

    Laura, I would contact the EEOC, Human Resources, and every organization that could help you. Are you legally able to record conversations in your state? Can you request a third party to be there with you and him because this has become a hostile work environment? Are you SAFE with him? You can't resolve these alleged issues with other works without acknowledging who that are, what is the disagreement and attempt to resolve them. This boss sounds like he is manipulating the system. He did it to the person before you and some people get great Joy in causing others pain. I will seek legal counsel to see what your options are. Document everything. Sometimes in life, we have to fight and stand against the enemy even when our own nature and persona would rather turn the other way. Your also standing up for every one else who comes in his path. Focus on your Purpose to protect and educate the children and protect them from the bullies. You are worth it... They are too! Never quit.. continue to press forward. - Shalom
  16. Videos Worth Watching

    I thought the same thing... "Now why did he have to mention that!" I presume it is to attract attention to the video. I know there is a purpose to everything in life. It draws me closer to God and His work of sanctification. - Shalom
  17. My feelings as well, I can't imagine how hard this is on them all, I'm glad they have each other but right now that's even probably hard, we don't all grieve the same way. Can only pray God holds them all together in a special place in the palm of His hand.
  18. Of course we're okay, Gwen, I'm not firing with all cylinders either this week. Wondering when this stupid virus will go away. Can't even put into words what I feel about my sister. I keep going, keep trying, but there's times everything is pretty challenging.
  19. Videos Worth Watching

    Except for the SEX reference, not like any of us have any. What's that???
  20. It’s sooo hard

    This poor family. I am so sad for them. I know what it is like to have a child who is this distraught and depressed. Fortunately he is alive and maturity has made many situations less difficult for him. Praying for you Caleb. Allen and Katie all I can do is keep you in my heart and my prayers, I do so fully.
  21. Thanks for keeping us informed, Kay.
  22. I’m sorry, Kay. My mind is not firing on all cylinders either. I so easily get my wheels wrapped around the axle these days. This is the one down side of 2 dimensional communication. I’m so sorry about your sister. I do hope you feel better soon too. We OK?
  23. Videos Worth Watching

    How to Find Purpose in Your Life An interesting perspective in my grief healing journey. - Shalom
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