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  1. Today
  2. Janka, yes, each has their own way. Mine is sharing with friends, writing about and to Susan, meditating, doing things to make sure she is remembered. It all helps but then I get the feeling it's like taking an aspirin for cancer - nothing can be strong enough. I really swing back and forth. Had a good swim this AM, feeling relatively good, then out of nowhere I had the thought that I will never hear Susan call me PB again and started crying ❤️🐼
  3. My father's ashes

    My sister is a Sped Teacher's Aid. Y'all should get combat pay TAX FREE for what you have to deal with and then are told to NOT REPORT because you could damage the child's future or they are just not responsible for their actions. This thought police spins me up at times. Common sense has disappeared. IMHO - Shalom
  4. Yesterday
  5. I’m currently going through a very similar experience, however as always there are slight differences to the tale. I honestly don’t know what to do or where I’ll end up, I suppose the main positives I have is that my ex says what she’s doing will give us the best chance in the future of continuing. She still says she loves me, but at the moment is so full of anger towards me especially, she’s bringing up all of the mistakes I’ve made in the 9 years we’ve been together. She says she needs time and space to work on herself. My only thing at the moment is that I can still make her smile, even when she doesn’t want to and she returns to the person I knew, even if it’s for a few minutes. It gives me hope. I’ve probably made the situation worse by constantly trying to push for answers the last few months and occasionally saying some things that weren’t nice and untrue. I wish I’d left her alone months ago, but I do feel like I had to fight for her to try prove it’s really inportant to me and everything I want. I can do nothing more to prove it to her anymore, she’s got to come back on her own accord. You’re not alone, it doesn’t make it any easier however.
  6. I agree completely. I do feel like she has tried to push me away to protect what could potentially be salvaged in the future. She’s said from the week after she left that she would just push me to a point where we can’t return from if we were to try now. She’s also said that what she’s doing will give us the best chance in the future so I guess I have to put my trust in her judgement. This has been a repeated comment from the start of all this and was only said just last week also. She’s asked for space but I guess a few weeks is not the kind of space she needs, it needs to be longer than that. I will blame myself for not giving her the time or space but I’ve felt the need to really fight for this and look for answers. I truly love her dearly, she’s my best friend and I certainly don’t hold any grudges over anything that’s happened. I don’t think she does either, however she does seem to be bringing up my mistakes from many years ago which is unfair. We were very young and made some mistakes to hurt eachother, we never cheated on eachother or anything that serious which has to be a positive. The way I got her to smile last week and the way she looked at me fills me with hope that it’s still there, but I need to back off completely or it will just keep making it worse as you say.
  7. When we are grieving the world can seem about us as it's rather impacting and we don't have it in us to deal with much else...in that sense I suppose it can seem self-centered, as it needs to be in the early stages. That said, I can't imagine throwing away a partner because I'm steeped in grief. I personally would want that partner by my side, understanding and caring and supportive, but that's just me.
  8. One of the things this can do is protect what love there remains as if you continually hash and rehash and don't get anywhere with it, it can be detrimental to the relationship. It also protects you from the negativity, frees her to work on her own inner healing from the loss, and allows you the time to heal.
  9. This is exactly one of the things I considered after Jim broke up with me due to losing his mother. I would not want someone who would throw me away whenever something happened in life. It's not a matter of IF something happens in life, but more of WHEN something happens. I would personally want someone who would stick by me through thick and thin, someone who worked on life TOGETHER and actually CARED about me. Who needs the rest? I've come to the conclusion since that Jim makes for a better "friend" than "husband material". No offense to him, he's a wonderful guy that I truly care about, but I need something more than what he had to offer if I were to marry someone. Big point to consider!
  10. Try not to personalize what FEELS very personal right now...it really is about HER and HER situation...unfortunately, that affects YOU. When we grieve, we are very sensitive and can't handle very much and everything can feel overwhelming and we can be angry with the world...I'm sorry you're getting that fallout.
  11. Yes it is a huge worry, as it should be. As I said, your lady's reaction to this death is telling. As one of my favorite authors has written, "Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths." As I look back on my own life, I've never known it to be otherwise, and I think we delude ourselves if we think we can get through life without things going wrong. Sometimes they are just little things that pile up, and sometimes they are huge ~ but we must recognize that bad things happen to good people all the time ~ and you are wise to notice how this person has reacted in response to this death, as it's an indication of how she may react to any future crisis.
  12. That is ultimately a big worry of mine, even if we were to sort things out in the future, is this how she’s going to react when things go wrong. It has to be a huge worry.
  13. My friend, I don't think it's true that "in grief people get very selfish". Everyone grieves in ways that are unique to them, depending on many different factors (age, gender, personality, available support, past experience with loss, individual value and belief system, cultural background, etc.) What is relevant here is how this particular young lady is reacting to this particular loss, and the effect that her behavior is having on you. You are wise to pay attention! Life is full of crises, losses and disappointments, and this will not be the first time this woman will be faced with them. How she has behaved toward you in the wake of her grandmother's death is telling, because it gives you an idea of how she may react to serious problems in the future.
  14. Yes I have read many threads and your replies. I appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. It seems very apparent that she’s very angry at the world and Is ultimately taking it out on me, bringing up every small thing that’s happened over the years. I’ve asked if this is all about what I’ve done? And she says she’s just a big ball of anger right now. She still says that she loves me and is hopeful that in time her mindset will change. She seems very bitter about things right now, especially about the possibility of me moving on. She seems scared about the fact she will end up alone and ultimately will regret letting me go, but she can’t be with me right now and needs to straighten herself out. I am going to take your advice and cut off contact completely even on social media. All we do at the minute is argue, even when we are just talking generally and it seems all she wants to do is to bring up the past and make me feel like this is all my fault. I’m still hopeful that maybe in a few months time or so, the person I knew will return, but I suppose only time will tell. I understand in grief people get very selfish, it seems very apparent that’s what’s happened, she still shows me glimpses of the person I knew but it’s buried deep beneath the anger and frustration currently. I will keep you all updated and appreciate your time.
  15. Hi KayC, I also do live optimally, I run, take of my dog, eating, the only exception is the doctor's because if I do get cancer or any other disease I will not treat it to keep on living, I have had enough of this crazy world anyway. I'm 70.
  16. I think I got rid of my journal from that time...yeah, some things are pretty painful.
  17. I try to give myself my best possible chance for living optimally...which is not necessarily the same thing as longevity. But to have quality of life it means taking care of myself, including going to the doctor, getting exercise, eating healthy, spending time with my pets and nature, de-stressing, and doing my best to get a good night's sleep. Unfortunately the sleep part isn't always cooperative...I was awake at 1 am today and never did get back to sleep. I usually try for a couple of hours and then get up and doing things rather than continue to fight it any longer. Hopefully I'll get a nap in this afternoon. At least I cooked several pounds of meat and packaged, froze it, made Arlie a batch of food, did the dishes, fed the animals, got a load of wood in. In an hour it'll be time to tend the wood stove and then fix breakfast. It amazes me how there are always things to be done! Gwen, I get it, I really do. And as for longevity, I hope mine is shorter than my mom's was! I've been widowed since I was 52, I really don't want 40 years living alone!
  18. I'm so sorry for your pain, and I hope you will take Kay's wise counsel to heart. You'll find a number of articles related to this kind of situation in this post: In Grief: Supporting a Partner in Mourning
  19. My father's ashes

    Oh Laura, I'm so sorry! Are you okay? How badly are you injured? And the other teacher? My little sister works for Beaverton School District and has encountered such kids, it's really hard. I don't remember it ever being like that when I was growing up. There was such a child when I was helping at my kids' school years ago. Quite a handful. I'm glad you have Lena, just coming in here and seeing her brings a smile to my face!
  20. Hardlove, I'm so sorry you find yourself going through this...been there, done that with my fiance of a year when his mom was passing away and he was caregiving 24/7...he broke off all contact with me. It completely blindsided me! After a few months, when she'd passed away, we resumed contact but it was never again the same. After her death he might call every day or not for two weeks, he might say he loved me, or he might become distant. It was yanking me around emotionally, and was very, very hard. The last time I cried over him I told myself I needed to protect myself from him and I put up a wall around my heart so he couldn't hurt me anymore. You see, I figured out that HE didn't know what he wanted! All I know is, losing his mom changed him. It changed our relationship. Fast forward 7 1/2 years, we're friends, but nothing more. In all these years he's never tried to get me back. He told me if he hadn't gone through the loss of his mom, things would have turned out very different for us. He has said it was him, not me (believe that, it's true, I've seen this too many times in similar situations). Whatever you think you're guilty of in the relationship, remember, none of us is perfect and looking back we all have said/done things we'd like to change. BUT, I seriously doubt she would have hung around all those years if it was that bad. In other words, even though neither of you was perfect, you had something going for you...but somehow her loss of her grandma has changed things for her. It does that in many cases. I've read each and every thread here, each and every post...you begin to see similarities, a pattern. A certain number of people respond this way in their loss. They feel they don't have it in them to do a relationship AND grieve. Grieving can continue in some cases, to some extent, the rest of our lives, there's no "end", no expiration date to it. Eventually they begin to adjust to what that loss means to their lives and begin to cope with it. BUT once they've tossed their relationship aside, they don't usually return to it. Out of all of these threads, I've only seen one couple that actually made it. It will be important for you to focus on yourself. No contact is best for getting over someone...including no checking how they're doing on social media. This will enable you to have the best chance of healing and moving on in a healthy way. I know that's not what you want to hear...I don't think any of us here wanted that, but I'm just stating it as it is. It would be good if she'd get some professional grief counseling, but that is a matter for her to decide and she won't likely be receptive to suggestions. You, however, can get counseling for yourself to help you through this hard time. Staying in limbo is the hardest place to be.
  21. @nettieboop I'm sorry you went through this too, it's very hard. I went through it about 7 1/2 years ago.
  22. Hi, I am very sorry about your losing your mom...and then this guy. I have seen this before, somewhere in this section but usually it's the one with the loss doing the breaking up. The best way to move on is no contact...including no checking on each other on social media. What he did was wrong to you, you deserve better than that...you can't just put someone in limbo, ghost them, and...nothing. You need a real live person, one with a heart, one with a right state of mind, one that doesn't put you on ignore. He has issues that you don't need to deal with right now. I wish you all the best moving forward.
  23. Wishing you some sunshine and warmth as soon as possible Dear Janka! Wish I could send some to you. Have a peaceful day. Bill
  24. Hi Kay, I haven't and will not go to any doctors since my Husband died five years ago, I am already dead inside.
  25. My father's ashes

    Lena is one swell cat, and really keeps me company. We both miss my dad every day, even though we sense and hear his spirit nearby. It's not the same. She is especially good if I am sick or upset or something. Not if I am cranky or irritable but something worse... Today at one of the schools where I work, I was sitting in a classroom with my back to the room talking to a teacher and a student came up from behind me and hit me very hard on the side of the head, grabbing my flower hair clip and a handful of my hair, trying to wrest it loose from my head. He is only ten but very strong and has a long history of hitting adults and classmates, hitting them very hard, and yanking their hair out. He is in a classroom where they have combined the most violent and the most vulnerable students in the school in a room with a SpEd teacher who is about 70. He hit her on the top of her head yesterday, and she was obviously suffering from this today. I went through the work-injury process and the triage nurse directed me to go to the E.R.; on my way I stopped by the classroom and encouraged the teacher to do the same, which she did. I also urged one of the aides to follow through with the incident report process for both incidents so that it is at least on his record. Not that anyone was happy to see me injured exactly, but several commented that it was good that he "went after the school psychologist" because maybe I can do something about this kid. They have a deluded sense of my position there; I may have a fancy title, but am not exactly in a powerful position. They have several really disturbed kids who should not be in a public school setting where there is so much potential to injure staff and students, but if they expelled kids with IEP's the district would be "on the hook" to pay for a very expensive residential school. The way I see is that for a kid like this one, their real alternatives are to pay now or to wait until there is a lawsuit and then pay for it along with the costs of a lawsuit. Here Lena is helping me relax by joining me in looking through a library book called "Cats in Art".
  26. All of our loved ones need our prayers,if we want them to be in peace. With love Janka
  27. I do the 6 part meditation almost every night. I think it helps but even doing it just before going to sleep has not brought me loving dreams of Susan. https://chopra.com/articles/healing-after-loss-meditation-for-grieving#sm.0000047xu1ty2ne7qt05yttymu676
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