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  2. I'm a Political Scientist. I understand
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  4. Rldownes

    I am your angel !

    Amazing song!!
  5. Sometimes that is good, sometimes bad. One of my friends must have been told that I blocked the "friend" and I did not advertise it. She mentioned when I died I needed to be able to count my friends on my hands. I doubt I will do that when I die. There will be no funeral, if I'm dead, why should I care? On Facebook, it has become political and I am shocked my "friends" can be so cold and heartless and my own sister is on the other extreme. I am apolitical, hate politics so much, and all they want to do is argue about things that I am shocked they believe in. Or don't believe in. I consider them Christian friends, but with so much hate in their hearts, how can you be Christian? I should not judge, but hate is still hate and directed at innocence makes the people small and petty. At my age, you think nothing would surprise me.
  6. Thank you. I do have some hard times , none of this is easy. This summer I will go to our different haunts, Grand Forks, Brandon, Gimli, Morden, Birds Hill Park to say goodbye to the times we shared there, mourn the loss of the times we will never have there again. I miss the man he was before he developed this. I still ask why, but there is only one answer, why not? He was a strong person and he showed us all how a man can die with dignity even if his body is ravaged.
  7. Gwen, I've lived alone for so long now it's hard to remember what it's like to have someone here. I get out, am involved in things, but it's not the same thing as someone being here, noticing if I make it home or not, let alone caring. Because I live so far out, it's easy to be isolated, no one visits. I have to deal with everything alone, my medical issues, buying a different car, having my refrigerator go out, etc. That's just this week, it's been a month! I'm glad you had a brief respite from the aloneness and someone who understands. I hope it helps you both. I talked to my friend Jim a couple of nights ago, he sounds like he's in the throes of congestive heart failure, I don't want to lose him. I encouraged him to go to the hospital if he needs to. He doesn't have insurance...I tried my best to get him to sign up for Obamacare when the getting was good, but he's the world's biggest procrastinator. You can't make someone do something. I'm at the age where we lose people, I'm not liking that about this age!
  8. Mary Beth, My offer still stands any time you want to talk, message me, I'll give you my number. You have a lot on your plate. Right now you probably just want to block it all out, I don't blame you. But I also know we can't wipe it away just because we'd like to...Steph's point taken. I'm glad you have a therapist working with you and you're setting some goals, wow! Just don't ever think what this sleazeball did was at all okay. You wanted someone to spend time with, care about you, not assault you! Big difference! It's so wrong for anyone to take advantage when you're vulnerable. Anyone with any morality would have been protective of you not assaulted you. I'd hate to be him when Karma comes calling...
  9. That's pretty much how I've had to deal with June...I do it alone. I think most of us do. We do what seems right to us, however we get by.
  10. That is a big for sure!!! I'm glad you were able to find what was causing your dad's blisters so they could be alleviated. My sister finally has an MRI scheduled for Wednesday, after that they can schedule surgery. Still waiting to hear something about my son's situation. That's not saying much! Darrel, I'm sorry about all your wife experienced. I have had Morton's Neuroma bilaterally for about 14 years. My little sister had it, they gave her a steroid shot and it caused her toes to separate, requiring surgery. I won't do that. I wear Kalso Earth shoes 100% (negative heels, putting weight toward the heel rather than the ball of the foot and distributing the weight more evenly), it's the only thing that brings me relief. Sometimes we have to listen to what works for us.
  11. Jillian, How heartrending! My heart breaks for you, for him, I am so sorry. I tried to watch the video, I couldn't finish. I don't know how you stand this except we don't get a choice, do we? It's the hardest thing in the world. I love your goal of seeing Canada's east coast in his memory. I should do those kinds of things, I can't, not without my husband. I love your bravery...I know you probably don't feel very brave. We don't. We feel like our guts have been kicked out of us. It's been 13 years for me, I've adjusted as well as I could, it took a long time, I've learned a tremendous amount in my grief journey, my purpose is in helping others make their way through this, especially in the earlier time when it's so hard, so shocking, and I've tried to build a life I can live. It's nothing like the life I had with George, but it's doable. I've learned to look for joy and embrace them, no matter how small, I've learned the value of living in the present...it's all we have. Keep coming here, it helps to know there are others that hear us and understand, we're all in this together. Your feelings are all valid.
  12. Darrel and Kay, so sad and beautiful. I had the opposite experience of an apparently healthy Susan with a minor illness dying in about 10 minutes. I've been told I was lucky, but I got shock and trauma and we couldn't even say goodbye. 6/27 is our 49 anniversary. I'm leaving for Ptown, our favorite summer vacation spot, in about an hour and will have our anniversary there. I know it's the opposite of what others here do. As with everything my feelings are very mixed. I love Ptown and I know I will be lonely and have grief attacks as well as enjoying the beach, ocean, food, and crazy scene. I did it last year at only 3 ms but had a lot more support lined up. A year has passed but yesterday I was crying thinking about finding her lifeless and trying to remember what went through my mind. By pure coincidence Susan's family is having a reunion nearby at the same time!!! I told them it would be too painful for me to attend but now I'm planning to participate a little. Actually I think they have not been very supportive and I am not sure if they still regard me as one of the family. I know a few of them do. I'm bringing the heart she knitted for me for our last Valentine's day. Best to all Tom🐼
  13. Marg, you know that saying about the grass looking greener on the other side of the fence? Being so alone I would love to have family to bitch about. Local friends too. But.......my side of the fence is empty.
  14. I'm so very sorry this happened to you. As if your life hasn't had more than enough trauma and loss. I hope that you will hold your head high and do whatever it takes to help yourself feel better. Hugs to you Mary Beth.
  15. Gwen, your still a young woman. I am proud of you. It is good to have somebody. I blocked a friend on Facebook because of the crude things and hate filled things she said about the border children. I know people have different opinions, but not about innocent kids and animals. I know people cannot have too many friends, but I do not depend on any of my friends to hold me up. I come here. And, my family can be annoying for awhile, but if I didn't have them, what would I have to bitch about?
  16. All of us process this grief differently and on many different levels. On this my fourth trip around the grief/healing calendar, I chose to approach it differently than my previous trips. In the last three years, each special day and time was triggered, dramatic, and painful. This time the reality and finality of my beloved wife's, (Rose Anne) death is my own, private, quiet, and introspective experience. May is usually a rough month with many special memories, birthdays, and celebrations. This year, there was no outward mention of them. They are special memories lodged deep within my heart and soul that I share with my beloved. We all deal with grief in our own terms and our own way. I have no specific plans next year. I take each day as it comes. I'm thankful I can still remember. I miss her daily and yet there is a quiet peace in knowing that this is way my life is supposed to be right now. I still don't have to like it, but I'm learning to accept it. Each of us needs to find our own individual path. I'm thankful I found this safe place to share with all of you who truly understand, empathize, and comprehend. - Shalom
  17. I invited a guy in the neighborhood who I met at the dog park many years go. Thru conversations in passing when he walked his furry kids by my house I came to find out he dealt with depression, wanting to die, isolation and loneliness too. The conversation went different than I expected, I learned a lot about what he has gone thru in his life. It was a given he wouldn’t understand my situation being triggered by the loss of my partner. But he did listen and he suggested we chat like again maybe a couple of times a month. We are both struggling in different ways, but effects are the same. He dreads showers, eating, has trouble sleeping, watches too much TV because you feel nothing inside. It was human contact which I so crave and could be myself. So different than counseling when you know you have a set limit of time to cover your most pressing issues. Things I thought I’d say with him took different priorities. I even grabbed his hand and to touch someone felt good. It made me realize how long it has been since I had company over and while it used to be lighthearted, how even an hour with someone can bring that connection to life back a bit. I still face the long evening alone as always. It’s not a fix, but maybe a very small step. He gave me some good insight about living alone and the things you have to think about now as that is how he lives. Has for a very long time. Being a newbie at it, it was helpful to hear its that way for others too. The no one noticing if you come or go, if something happened to you, how long before anyone noticed, etc. Wanting to matter to just one person in the world. How people actually won’t believe you have a close friend or family to do things with....like we’d make that up. Being older also brings little opportunity to find that when you are too depressed to pursue activities. What I learned was loneliness is a dangerous thing to our hearts and minds and to get trapped in it, as I am now, there are many pitfalls to heed, but also validation. I get that here from this family, but sometimes you need a real, actual person you can see, hear and touch beside you.
  18. Darrel, It must have been so difficult to have to make that decision to let your wife's body go when you just wanted to hope for more time. Yes---holidays, birthdays, anniversaries can all be triggers. And sometimes we don't need any triggers. It can just be fatigue that makes it all come back again. I'm sorry for your loss. It seems like you look ahead of time at the dates you think are going to feel bad. I wonder if you could help it NOT be so bad if you planned ahead and set a date to do something with friends on those upcoming trigger dates? Maybe bowling with some guys or breakfast with a trusted friend or whatever activity you like to do with friends.
  19. Yesterday
  20. Just once before I die I would like to be able to find a doctor that has progressed beyond practicing at being a doctor. I would maybe even be able to respect him/her. My wife also had type 2 diabetes. The first doctor she went to about it diagnosed her as having lupus. Really?! Then when the damned neuropathy first started bothering her the doctor told her it was morton's neuroma (tumors between the toes.There were never any tumors there. Sometimes the quality of nursing care leaves a whole lot to be desired.When my wife was told it was time to go onto dialysis her doctor convinced her (and me) that the peritoneal dialysis would be the way to go. It took 2 attempts at putting the tubes into her tummy area to try to get it right. And we never knew if the 2nd attempt worked any better than the 1st. When a nurse was changing the dressing on the incisions she lost the cap to her ballpoint pen. Anyone want to guess where that cap showed up at? I had been cautioned that I should under no circumstances try to change the dressing myself. It would be too easy for the incisions to get infected. So I didn't But we were watching TV in bed a few evenings later and we both started smelling rotten sewage. I mean REALLY rotten. So i started trying to find where it might be coming from. It was coming from the bandaging. In spite of the warnings, I peeled the bandage off. Lo and behold, there was the cap to the nurse's ballpoint pen laying right on the incision. And it had infected the incisions. Really badly. My wife ended up spending almost 2 months in a long term care facility hooked up to an infection pump. Good medical care doesn't exist anymore. The doctors I'm using now.
  21. My wife followed the Doctors advice for Type 2 Diabetes to an early grave. Every medicine prescribed to manage a symptom rather than discovering the root cause of the problem. Type 2 Diabetes is a lifestyle disease that can be healed by changing what we eat and improving some lifestyle routines.. Research LCHF and KETO. We have been lied to about sugar, salt, Grains, processed oils, saturated fats and even dieting. It is not about the calories. It is about inflammation and insulin resistance. Search for the truth and you will find it. My father was hospitalized a month ago. He was in the hospital for ten days for multiple serious complications. They told him he was diabetic ( He is NOT). They gave him Prednisone to fight blood and UTI infections. Prednisone increases Insulin in the body and increases Blood sugar. Also the Hospital (Diabetic Menu) gives 60grams of Carbs each meal (240gms/day). Of course his blood sugars went up and they are chasing the BS numbers with insulin which compounds the problem. He was also given Lasix (furosemide) to remove excess fluids from his legs. This created another problem that caused blisters on his skin, feet, mouth, and nose. They blew up horribly. After getting, the medical diagnosis, We were told they don't know what causes it, it just happens as we get older. I do a simple internet search and discover the the LASIX medicine can cause these blisters. I show the Doctor and she says she never heard of it. I showed her the link (WEBMD) and asked that my father's medicine be switched to another. He is improving. Blisters went away and he actual came home today from the Transitional Care facility. We fought other battles with them as the quality of care is sub par. It has been a long and trying month but Dad is doing much better. He just celebrated another Birthday and Father's Day last weekend. We have to be our own health advocates. We are given this body(vehicle) to transport us through this life.When we seek the truth we will eventually find it! - Shalom
  22. For years, I monitored every medication Ron was given and questioned every medical procedure that was scheduled or performed. There was the doctor who couldn't remember why he had sent Ron to the hospital for a heart procedure at 6 AM(walked right out of that one and got a new doctor), the nurse who decided on her own to put a bag of potassium(enough to stop his heart) in his IV(stopped her before it was too late), the torture as a nurse tried repeatedly to inset an IV(asked nicely and then had to scream loudly in the hallway for a PICC nurse), the non-essential catherization that shut off his bladder opening, the contrast dye during the CT that shut down his kidneys. So many medical errors that were made, I can't remember them all. In the end, they finally managed to kill him despite everything I tried to do, better yet they had me kill him by turning off the life support. As a final act, I took his unused medications to the hospital and told them to destroy them as they had finally managed to kill him. I could do no more. Needless to say, I have very little faith in or use for the medical profession.
  23. Thank you. This end was not how we imagined our retirement. Larry was exactly one year short of reaching retirement. We did not have the opportunity to fulfill our first retirement dream, to see Canada’s east coast. I am still three years away, but I will make that trip in his memory. Shortly Before making his decision he looked at me and said with such assured confidence, “I won’t make it to 65 Dear”. I knew it to be true at that very moment as well.
  24. Jillian, how can we possibly agree with our mate that it is time to go? Billy reached for me, I swatted his hands down in anger for him giving up. He was not supposed to give up. We were going to have a miracle. In our case, it was a miracle. Billy only suffered five weeks. At the end, I should have been holding him. I can only hope his dying brain understood I could not let him go. I had no choice. It was in his and a higher power's hands and that higher power let me know I did not run the show. Losing someone after 54 years together is a terrible shock. Not holding him in his final minutes is my guilt to be in the back of my mind forever. He loved to be just held. My final emotion to him was anger. My friend kept her husband at home after a stroke for seven years. Billy's ego was so traumatized that I would have to do personal things for him that he could not do. I cannot imagine my friend's husband for seven years. My ego allowed Billy to change my colostomy bag they had placed in an odd place, on my back with a tube inserted in a cut down next to the actual opening. Billy changed my bags. Billy emptied bed pans for me years earlier in my cancer treatment. It was lovingly done. My care of him was so loving that I could have carried his over 6 foot frame in my arms. He was my baby to take care of. To him, it was against an ego that was so strong, I had to let him go. My friends husband pulled out his feeding tube, etc. He had taken all his ego could stand. I have often wondered about the male ego against ours. We have to let them go. Rose Kennedy again: It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time - the mind, protecting its sanity - covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone. Our brains fight to protect our sanity. Sometimes it works. I'm sorry you have to join us, but you glean more from our grief feelings, the length of time, and sometimes our freedoms, if just for minutes. My heart is with you. You have been through a many years battle.
  25. Jillian, my dear, your story is heart-wrenching, and I am so sorry for your loss. I understand that MAID is legal in Canada, and that your beloved Larry got the death he wanted ~ but your words speak so eloquently of the before- and after-effects of such a choice on you and your family. I am so sorry. Your post reminds me of another poignant story I read just a few moments ago: My Father Always Wanted to Die with Dignity, But When The Time Came I Couldn't Let Him Go
  26. Hi. I have cared for my husband for 12 years. He was initially diagnosed with Blephrospasum Dystonia and later developed Ataxia which made both of our lives a living hell. In January he lost his ability to swallow his medication and foods. He was in such pain we went for what would be our last of many trips to the ER. When the doctor arrived and asked what she could do for him he said “I just want to die!” Her response, “Ok, lets make that happen.” She left the room as my husband, my daughter and I sat in stunned silence. Thus began our journey into the realm of Medical Assistance In Dying. Larry was admitted, given Morphine and a Fentenal patch and we began a process I had never heard of. After he was admitted and settled my daughter and I went to our respective homes and contemplated this new turn. The next day I was at my husbands bedside when the nurse came in with papers requesting my signature giving them approval to end my husbands life. I sat still stunned and just looked at them my husband asking me to sign them. In a flash the nurse returned for the documents. Her comment, It is what he wants. I told her we needed to meet as a family to discuss this, and with pleading eyes look into my Larry’s eyes. He agreed. The next day my two daughters and my Larry and I discussed his wish to die. I did not sleep that night. For 12 years we have given 150% to making the best of our lemons and now just like that we were going to quit? Our youngest daughter did not want this to happen. Larry decided to give her the time she needed. He and Michelle had many long talks. One morning the wakes me. Larry calling from his room “I know what to do. I thought about it all night. I will die on my birthday.” I dressed in two minutes and off I went to the hospital. He was sure this was the right thing. In the end we supported his decision. April 11, 2018 Larry was scheduled to die. It was a long two months. Larry passed all the criteria paperwork was filled in and the wait began. I have to go back and see the video he sent to our foster daughter in Germany to remind myself why we thought this was the right thing to do. I play it every day. I printed pictures we took in the hospital so I have a constant reminder of why. I ask myself this question so often but when I view this video I am remembering why. He struggles to talk, he struggles to breathe. This is why. His body let him down. The vessel in which he lived had deteriorated to the point it could no longer house his spirit and we had to let him go. He came home the day before and we spent his last full day together. The next day after school and work we had a birthday party for him. The grand kids knew nothing of what would happen after the party. The MAID team arrived at 8:00. The Winnipeg Jets were playing their first playoff game. It went into overtime. The team prepared him to receive the injection. Suddenly the Jets score in overtime winning their first playoff game. “Larry are you ready?” Oh we forgot Paull’s urn. He asks , “What if my hand opens when it’s over and Paul falls out?” “ Don’t worry Dad, I am holding your, hand he will be safe” Michelle answers. He turns to me and says, “You will remember to return the wheelchair .” I promise I will. The next thing I know I am being asked to move so they can check for a heartbeat . He is gone. My life is forever changed. DB468BEA-D48E-46DC-B10E-DF3C9DF70984.MOV
  27. MB I am SO sorry this sleeze took advantage of your vulnerable situation. KayC gave you good connections on the Sexual Abuse Hotline. While I understand the feelings right now of not wanting to involve Law Enforcement, it would still be good to have this assault on record somewhere. I don't know if there is a statute of limitations on sexual assault, but later on, when you feel strong enough, you may think 'hey, you S___T- you don't get off scott-free and do this to some other vulnerable woman!' Just know that we are all there for you and supporting you through whatever decision you make. Please don't blame yourself- he's the one who assaulted you, not the other way around. Be gentle with yourself. Grad school will be a busy time for you, and your grief only complicates the workload. You are making in-roads to a new life, so give yourself LOTS of kudos for stepping forward! Well done and onward! Peace to all my grief brothers and sisters Steph
  28. You definitely have to fight an uphill battle, though, unfortunately. I think they are all so busy and overwhelmed and unless you make a fuss, you get put aside. I had a terrible time with nurses over John's pain meds. Most of them weren't working and they kept insisting morphine was the king of medicines...I did my own research and found out there were many options and combinations that hadn't even been mentioned. When I tried to talk to them about it, they basically told me they knew what was the best. That began my real descent in terms of my trust in medical personnel. I wish us all luck with it.....Cookie
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