I'm So Angry. I Don't Want To Hate My Father. But I Do.

OK, I need to start by saying I'm not one of those people who thinks that a widow/er should never have another life partner out of respect for the first life partner who predeceased them. I'm not that person, and I support that my father may well want to have a companion to make his life richer. But under these circumstances, I am so repulsed by his behavior I can't stand it. I did nothing but cry all weekend since I found out what's going on, and I'm just avoiding my whole family.

My dad decided he was ready to go back to work about 1 1/2 months after my mom's death (only 3 months ago). He works overseas, so he was gone for several weeks. Over the course of that time, my sister (who lives near him) would go by to get the mail in, feed the cat, etc. My dad was having a lot of problems, I guess, integrating into post-mom life, and the memory lapses, disorientation, etc. all seemed pretty normal. I can appreciate the difficulty of figuring out who you are when your life partner of 50 years is suddenly gone, so I encouraged him to seek out some kind of hobby - charitable volunteering, playing chess, taking a course, whatever. Just something to give him a sense of social connection, and most importantly reconnect with himself.

It was hard for me, because I've got my own issues with my father. Did he provide food and shelter for us all? Yes, but it's the perfect example of how meeting your minimal publicly-noticable obligations doesn't equate to doing a good job. He pretty much abandoned us, spending years avoiding us by taking jobs that would send him to the other side of the world (sometimes for up to two years at a time, where we didn't see him). When he was around, he just nitpicked and humiliated us constantly. I struggle with my resentment for the way he treated my mother - the affairs, the constant reminders of her inadequacies, the heckling as she was trying to learn to use her body again after a stroke... And she harbored a resentment for him, which she confessed privately, that I totally understand. But I guess it was a different generation, and they stayed together anyway. I can't help but be angry, and to feel that he was in many ways responsible for her death. Instead of letting her go to lead her own life, where she had at least a hope of finding herself, he just made sure that she felt like a burden who kept him chained to a life he was unhappy with. And that, of course, was a significant component in her self abuse - the smoking, obesity, lack of self-esteem that finally killed her. Did he kill her? Not exactly - but sort of. And he seems to feel no remorse at all about that. I know he was unhappy in his life, too... but he had more choices than she did, with an education, a job, and frankly a male body that lets you walk away from family obligations with far less social stigma than a mother could. No, he stayed - and punished all of us for his unhappiness.

So I totally understand why now he's looking forward to some opportunities to define his life in a way he didn't have before. Two daughters nearly 40, and no more unhealthy, fat, unattractive ball-and-chain! GREAT!!! Except that, in all his moaning about how disoriented he is, he seems to have his priorities totally backward. He can't seem to be bothered with a responsibility to their dogs, which he now wants to give away - an APPALLING proposal in my family. It's not just that my father gave these dogs to my mother as gifts, it's not just that they were her precious babies - she simply was an animal person, and the idea that her dogs would be abandoned by him is shocking. She would literally roll over in her grave, thank god we had her cremated. And yet - he seems to think it's funny to tease that my sister better take them or they're going to the pound. Fine, so you wish you didn't have them - they need to be fed twice a day and petted while you sit on the couch. If he's not capable of giving THAT much by way of showing honor to mom, then I'm already frustrated. It just doesn't seem too much that you give that to your wife's precious companions out of respect for her.

But that's not the worst of it. Even though he can't remember to pay the water bill (even when reminded several times it was coming due), he did manage to contact his doctor - literally from halfway around the world - just weeks after her death to get a Viagra prescription. So it would be all nice and ready for him when he got back from his trip. What??? Seriously? I suggested a hobby so that he could rebuild himself in a meaningful way - to find the things in life that interest him, that are worthwhile. To flesh out what I'm sure he considers a stunted personal experience, and maybe even make him a more interesting person that could have a social interaction with someone. Instead of doing that, he allocates his energy to this???? His most pressing point of first attack on addressing the problem of reinventing himself is to get his dick dirty??? This is a man who has stood in judgment of me my entire life. I remember him once weeping in my door way, crying over my lack of morals - because I was doing physics homework in my room with a boy. I have spent my whole life with him as a loud moral judge, and trying so hard to to do everything just absolutely perfectly so as not to provoke his judgment, and leading what by all accounts (or at least comparison to what I see via the media) is a virtually monklike existence (no partying, no casual sex, nothing but Accomplishment and Productivity), and this is what he does? THIS is his first foray out of the gate?!? It was particularly poignant that this bit of paper arrived the day before the three month mark of her death.

I'm absolutely repulsed by him. His conduct is totally reprehensible. I am angry that I have spent 40 years trying to please someone who has a set of standards for him, and one set for everyone else (although it may be three sets: him, men, and women). I'm angry that he killed my mother, and I'm angry that I tried to help him. Now he's back in the US, and seems quite chipper - no doubt he was glad to see that his prescription was waiting for him upon his return. He keeps calling me, but I've been avoiding him. I spent the whole weekend crying, and I can't even yell at him about it because I'm not supposed to know. The only reason I do is because my sister accidentally opened the envelope since she's been monitoring their mail after the water got shut off since he's so out of it.

I feel like it's only a matter of time before he introduces us to the 20 year old he ordered off of RussianBrides4U or something.

And on top of that, I'm really mad at my sister too. She tells me all this, she's angry too. She's been doing all this work, cleaning out all of mom's stuff for dad (because he's too distraught to do it himself). So she's mad that he isn't carrying more of the weight of dealing with mom's passage (it was she and I who were at the hospital the entire week she was unconscious in convulsions, while he worked at getting back from his assignment - it was us who saw her body suffering so, and us who cleaned up the house, and made the arrangements, and took care of bills, and probate, and all the paper that goes with death), and she's pissed at the Viagra and the dog situation, and all the clean up she's doing... and when he says thank you and has some teary "wow, I really appreciate that" comment to her it's suddenly all better! That's all it took, is one thank you to make it all go away. They are off having happy family meals, which I'm sure works for her because she wants her kids to have their grandfather - both boys, which is another sore spot since my dad has made it clear part of his problem with us as burdens was that we weren't male. So basically, she's done all the work to free up his time to think such weighty thoughts as how to get his rocks off now that he's not violating any vows, and she's making a totally free-pass zone for him.

I hate him. I'm mad at her, but I'll get over it. But for my dad - I just can't stand it. I want just a tiny little bit of atonement out of him. I don't need any formal recognition of his role in her amazingly destroyed life, because I know that'll never come - but perhaps he could just show the tiniest bit of class by focusing on something that is not such a basically hedonistic, self-centered, superficial experience as casual sex. Just to start with. At 68 years old, I don't think that's asking too much. I just don't think it's too much to ask that he think a bit more broadly about his opportunities. I certainly wouldn't have gotten away with a focus on nothing but sex as a teenager, and I don't think he should do so as a 68 year old man who just lost his wife. Is this the best you've got to offer? Really?!? Because if you were anyone other than my father, you'd have been written off a long time ago as not of the caliber of person I would voluntarily choose to have in my life.

I don't know what to do. I'll probably just choke it down, get through a few awkward phone calls with him, and let him drift off to whatever future he makes for himself. I wish it was him that had died. I know I'm not supposed to wish that, but I do. He doesn't deserve the life he has now. Please don't flame me, none of you has had to deal with a lifetime of his emotional abuse. None of you has tried to extend an olive branch, after a lifetime of that, to help him resurrect himself in a way that is reflective of his real capabilities and potential, and been slapped in the face with his shallowness and hypocrisy. I want to just count him dead, the way people do whose parents physically abandon them as children, and move on with my life. But I can't, since I'll just have to grieve again when he actually does die. It's just not fair. I wish I could assimilate that information.

Oh well. At least Mom taught me how to take joy out of the happy growling of a dog with a toy rediscovered under the couch, and to distract and entertain myself by creating art that communicates outside of my own personal experience. If only I could stop crying long enough to see how happy that dog is or to do something more than stare bleakly at a blank canvas and hope my mojo comes back.

DoingMyBest,

I too have anger with a family member, my sister. I'll make a separate post about it in another forum, and I only mention it now to let you know, that you are not alone with this feeling. My anger sometimes verges on rage, and if I give it free rein, I fear saying and doing things I will regret. So I have been putting a clamp on my anger towards my sister for many years. I sometimes feel it's like a dam about to crack, like I can't hold it back.

You have described the situation with your father very well. Your feelings read to me as well justified, with only a few things that read slightly overboard. Many of my feelings towards my sister are totally overboard, so you actually sound much saner than me. I hope you keep a firm handle on your anger. If you can give it limited expression, as much as your father can handle, that's great. If you need to give him the full shot-gun blast of anger, well then you feel about like me. That's what gives me the most angst; having the anger without a good avenue for expression. Except of course, writing about it here does at least give it some air.

What to do about anger in the long term? Probably I'll do exactly as you, I'll choke it back. If I gave it the shot-gun blast, I'd tell my sister that I never want to see or hear from her ever again. Pretty extreme, eh? Once said, there's no way to take that stuff back. And so I am struggling to find yet more ways to stamp out my own anger. And it doesn't feel right. Maybe that's part of life; no satisfaction and stuck in bad relationships. I'm not happy with any of it.

Like you say at the end, I'll find the small joys of life elsewhere.

Ron B.

First of all, let me tell you I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I can understand some of what you're feeling. I took care of my mother-in-law (who was the mother I always wanted and my best friend) for nearly three years while she was bedridden with cancer and it was one month after she died (after a 40 year marriage) when my father-in-law announced that "he was in love".

Having many years since to glean new perspective has helped. What your father is going through...it's like he's in a tunnel and can't see everything, and perhaps he's floundering for some good in life, something to give his life meaning or make it more palatable. I doubt he was waiting for your mother to die so he could be free to do what he wanted. He may have many conflicting emotions and feelings and perhaps it is easier for him to focus on the "now" than it is to deal with the rest. I softly want to add, please don't judge him too harshly, and please don't assume that you know what he is going through. You are very, very angry, and it's good to keep in mind that this is a part of YOUR grieving process. It is natural and normal to feel anger but it's easy to displace it. Just be very careful that you don't hold on to it too long or let it ruin, for you, other relationships. With all that you are going through, I think it would be a real good idea to see a counselor who might be able to help you get a grip on what you are feeling, for it sounds like you have not only anger since your mom passed, but deep-seated anger towards your dad. Sometimes parents don't earn "parent of the year" awards. Sometimes they let us down or just don't measure up to what we think they should be...I know my own didn't. But a little understanding and forgiveness helps. Most of them didn't set out to fail us, most of them kind of slid into it unthinkingly. We're all human. It would be good if we came with handbooks, but we didn't. I only know that this anger will hurt YOU most of all...not your dad, but you. For your own sake, it'd be good to work through some of it and see if you can't let some of it go. You will know you are truly free when you are able to say to your dad, "Dad, I wish you the best." ...and truly mean it. Right now you are allotting him power over you...the power of all of his failures to atrophy your life, wouldn't it be great if you could move past it? It's sometimes more than the average person can work through on their own, that's why I suggest a counselor.

I would suggest that you and your sister adopt your mother's dogs and give them the love and home they deserve and she would have wished for. I also want to say that you do not have to love your father or agree with him or his choices...it may be in everyone's best interests in your case to go your own ways. These are things that would be good to broach with a counselor.

As for my father-in-law, he's nearly 91, and I love him to pieces...faults and all. And I know that Mom would have been the first to forgive him and wish him the best in what became the rest of his life.

Thank you for the thoughts. I agree that there is a whole lot more here than just anger about what this means for the respect of my mother's memory, for sure. I've tried to talk to him about my conviction that he has not treated me as openly and fairly as he would have a male child, and it wasn't even a horrible scene - basically, he just doesn't think that's true. I don't need to go into all the data here, but the bottom line is I know he's not lying to me about that (he doesn't believe he's sexist)... but he still is sexist. That's a tough pill to swallow, no matter how much I intellectually understand the variation in generational understanding and his lack of actually being in a woman's shoes and having a firsthand knowledge of the facts I experience daily. Despite my rant, I'm a very sophisticated, highly respected, accomplished, logic-driven professional, and it hurts when you are regularly returned to the state of a needy little girl-child just because your father wasn't capable of loving you fully. Yeah, I could use some counseling on that :-).

But anyway - I did talk to my dad on the phone. Just kept it kind of generic, spoke about work, and got off quickly. It worked out "well" because he was on the way to the vet to have my mother's cat put to sleep (grrr - but she was old, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, even if his timing is extremely poor). Anyway, at least I was able to get through that peaceably until I figure out if I need to do anything about this. I can let it go, I can confront him, I can try to help steer him toward a path that is more consistent with his strongly stated morality. Who knows, but I definitely don't have to decide now. I had spoken to a couple of my friends before I was able to call, including one who lost her mother a few months before mine. It helped to just get it out of my system with my foregoing hate mail, and to cry like a crazy person to them. Maybe I didn't know what was going on in my parents' marriage, and maybe he is just doing the "guy thing" way to get over pain (he will not be the first man to dull his senses with sex), maybe he is just floundering in his lost-ness. I am quite aware that he has been unhappy in his life, but I just don't care right now. This just feels like a pathetic reflection of him and his hypocrisy makes me very angry. My dad is not the most forgiving of others when it comes to matters such as this (sexuality, adherence to principles, actions v. words, etc.), and I obviously picked up that gem of a characteristic from him. I'll have to meditate on that.

But just so you know, if he does introduce me to a RussianBride4U in the next few months, my next post will be me lamenting my late father. [Just kidding. Really(ish). I got my sick sense of humor from my mother.]

And one other thing - I don't intend to do a shot gun blast about this to my dad, certainly not at the moment. I understand he's grieving too. I don't think that would be fair to him. Just because I am angry does not mean I'm taking it out on him. If I do decide to address it with him, it will be expressed in a forum that is more conducive to a meaningful resolution of the conflict. I'm not a big fan of dropping s--t on people to make myself feel better and then walking off in the sunset leaving them in a broken heap.

DoingMyBest,

I am glad you have some clear sense of how to deal with anger towards your father. It sounds to me like you are coping well and healthily, despite some difficulty. I am not coping well at all, frankly, and it seems I can not express my thinking about anger with any clarity either. From what I wrote, you thought I was advocating a shot-gun approach to expressing anger with family members. That was not what I had in mind. My point was that anger has driven me to extreme thoughts, such as the idea of severing a relationship. Wild and desperate thoughts like that, however, don't make for good solutions. I should have said that clearly. Of course it's better to mend than end relationships; I am not completely stupid and brutal about these things. But my emotions are so shaken by my sister that I cannot function normally around her. I will spare you the circumstances, but If I had to face my sister now it would be a showdown or a need to escape, with no middle ground. Apparently you've never had anger that actually ate away at your sanity. I'm glad for that; I wouldn't wish that upon anybody. Extreme anger is highly unpleasant, damaging, and almost no-one understands it. I don't understand it myself, but it controls my behavior to some real extent. I have never acted out anger into any kind of violent action or yelling that I can recall. I avoid confrontation, and almost never vent anger. I bottle it up, and it seethes in some dark corner of my psyche. Yes I am afraid of it. And there is almost no way to talk about it. My anger is obviously quite foreign to your experience with anger.

Your original post was beautifully written. Upon rereading my reply post, I can see my language was crude, and that I offended you. My apologies.

Ron B.

I know this will sound lame...but.....Exercise helps me with my anger.

So does telling people off in my head....silently. I just tell them what I would if I could get it all off my chest.. etc. Doesn't solve anything but it does make me feel better and then I am able to see once again... I can only change me and how I think.

Sometimes the anger feels good... because I am able to feel it. When I feel nothing but sadness... that gets scary. That's a real dark place for me.

Anger seems more 'normal' to me. Feeling nothing but sad... doesn't feel 'normal' to me. But who knows what 'normal' is. 'Normal' for each of us is... what it is I guess. But there is a balance to be found. I haven't mastered that yet... so don't get excited... lol ANYhoo...

Your Dad has moved on to another relationship... for whatever reason.. I don;t know but maybe because trying to feel that sadness is too scary for him. I would just caution you not to get so wrapped up in responding to his choices that you don't get around to feeling your own sadness. I found I had plenty to handle with just looking at myself and my grief process. If I started getting into other people's "stuff" things got muddled and more confusing (and truth be told... overwhelming!). So I just learned to stick to my own "stuff". If you are uncomfortable with anything your Dad asks of you regarding his choices... just let him know that. We all grieve differently.

I have a mother who is crazy...she was very abusive when I was growing up, that made my alcoholic dad "the good parent". I also have a sick sense of humor so I can appreciate one...only I got mine from my dad...it helps us cope.

My mom is truly off her rocker and she says such outlandishly outrageous things that upset us, very inappropriate things, so I've found if I call her and put her on speaker phone and don't have her voice in my ear, it helps. I try to let her talk herself out at least once a week and it's usually for a good hour. Since she's in her late 80s, she forgets she's already told us things at least a million times, and she rehashes it all for us again, but seems to have a need to do so. When she's being particularly annoying, I try to get off the phone as quickly as I can so I don't "lose it", which would do no good. When she's being very manipulative and controlling, I try to limit my contact with her to five minutes as that's about all I can tolerate. My mother was a horrible mother and hasn't improved any...us kids are just trying our best to get through this, and to be quite honest, she's fortunate any of us have anything to do with her. I spend time with her as much for my sisters' benefit as anything, I don't want them to be alone in having to deal with her.

My mother is also sexist...so much so that she is leaving everything to my brother...us five girls don't count. That's okay, I've lived without her stuff all my life, I can continue to do so. The one thing I asked for was a portrait of my dad and I was denied that...yep, the boy gets that too. At least my dad loved me, as inadequate as it was, growing up with a drunk is never ideal, but he did love me...and I love him (he's been gone for 28 years now). And thank God I have my sisters...my brother isn't in to spending time with us girls, but that's okay...us girls are close.

I don't know if there are some families that are highly dysfunctional and some that are very normal or if most fit into the in between category of a mixture of both. We don't get to pick them but we do have the challenge of trying to figure out how to best live with them...or get over them...or something.

It is enough to know that we are okay, more than okay, we turned out great, in spite of it all, and maybe even just a bit...because of it all. Everything we go through in life shapes and molds us into who we are. If I'd grown up in an ideal family, maybe I wouldn't be who I am today...maybe I'd have no inkling of what others go through, maybe I'd be lacking in compassion or wisdom altogether...maybe I'd be self-centered and shallow...who knows? So even when our parents sometimes exasperate us and we want to throw our hands up in the air, we can be thankful in an indirect way even for this.

I do understand how hard it must be for you to see your mother's memory defiled...as you must see it. Suffice it to know that YOU remember her in the way she deserves. Think of your father as handicapped...in a way he is. How hard it must be to go through life as such! And your mother was probably well aware of it. And yet she picked him! Go figure! Just like my dad loved my mom...and I never could figure that one out. I'm only glad she had him...for he and my late husband George are probably the only ones who ever truly loved and understood her on any great level. Me, I haven't even quite figured out how I feel about her. Maybe I love her, maybe someday I'll miss her when she's gone, who knows, I have no clue, I only know she's plagued me all my life and I've often wondered how in the world I got stuck with her for a mother...I don't like her, there isn't a whole lot to like, but she does have some good qualities and I've tried to acknowledge that...we got our organizational qualities and efficiency from her. She may have been considered good looking in her time. She's a hard worker. But...the other qualities so outweigh and overshadow any good that it's hard to even see and recognize the good. So I can relate and identify with all that you say. Sometimes you want to blop someone upside the head and get them to see some sense, and our parents sometimes fit that bill...but we know it's futile. I guess at this point we have to see them for what they are...pathetic old people that need our tolerance and care. That sounds awful, doesn't it? But that's one reason I love having my sisters...they understand, oh God, they understand...we've all been there...together. Good luck to you!

Ron B - hope you are doing well. I just came back to look at this (for sanity) as things broke with my father today. Anger is hard. I'm not normally an angry person, I find it is usually a mask for something else and I was afraid of what it was. Turns out it was anger at my dad for being a crappy dad! It just so happens that he was also a crappy husband, and the level of self-indulgence he's gone to with the whole "oh, my wife of 50 years died"... while he was completely avoiding any of the Dirty Details of having to deal with her death... was painful to me. Anyway, we finally got it out in the open today (months later), and who knows how that will turn out but at least the air is clear. At least from my side. My dad will continue to ruminate on why I'm wrong, deluded, and otherwise not worthy, but I'm going to take some peace from the fact that I chose to operate from a respectful place even if he didn't want to hear my thoughts. I might have different feelings in a couple of days :-).

Thank you for reaching back out to me (apology appreciated and accepted!), I hope that you've found a tiny bit of peace in your life. I don't profess to understand anger's ins-n-outs, but I do know a lot of the punishments that come from negativity and I wouldn't wish them on anyone. Life is too short, and I don't want to miss the good stuff because I'm worn out on the bad. That is more of a mantra than a realized life-philosophy, but it's a start. Hope you are well.

Doing my best,

It's good to hear back from you again. Maybe taking this break from your dad will help the hate and anger to subside as it won't be needed so much if you're not interacting with him. Who knows why he is the way he is. I am experiencing similar frustrations with my mom and have decided to give her a little distance. I've noticed the more contact with her I have, the more poisonous and controlling she exerts so I've pulled back...haven't called her for three weeks. Society sometimes subtly instills guilt on us if we aren't there for our elderly parents...but they are thinking of their own wonderful parents and all that they owe them...they aren't realizing there are other parents out there that are very toxic people that for our own well being, we have to cut off from. Sometimes we have to extricate ourselves from them to protect our children or marriage or just our own quality of life. Myself, I will probably continue to see or call her infrequently but find I need a little more distance. All of us kids have tried to be there for her but she's made it very difficult, often refusing our help, any advice, money, and being difficult to tolerate due to her craziness. Her problems don't just stem from ageing, she has always been this way, even as a child, but ageing and dementia have progressing paranoia have certainly exacerbated it.

Good luck in moving on with your life. I know you've tried, there's not much else we can do sometimes except accept that we didn't get to choose our parents and they are what they are. The best we can do is learn from our experiences and let these sandpaper people in our lives shape and mould us into refined people with greater capacities for understanding.

DoingMyBest,

Yes I am doing much better. I had "walking pneumonia" when I last posted to you. I didn't know that I was seriously ill. Besides draining my strength, the pneumonia left me delirious and desperate. Of course that's when family stress came to a head. My sister called a family meeting at which we siblings were to divide up my mother's belongings. So I flew down for the meeting, but when I arrived I balked. We were given only one hour to preview the things my Mother collected over a lifetime. I needed more time. Then we were to take turns choosing from my Mother's things, with 1 minute per choice, or else lose a turn! These arrangements galled me, my pneumonia raged, and I psychologically cracked. I was upset and angry beyond measure. So I bailed out of the family meeting and flew back home.

That pneumonia was with me for more than a month; it feels so much better now to have a semblance of sanity and calm back in my life. My anger level has subsided remarkably, and I think the pneumonia made the anger and upset feelings much worse. I still have 'grievance' in regards to how my sister has handled our family estate. She locked me out of my Mother's home over the Christmas holidays. She would not let me collect my own possessions from my Mother's home. She packed my things in two very large suitcases and dumped them upon me without giving me any prior notice. Rules for the distribution of my Mother's possessions were brutal, done at the last minute, and without consulting other members of the family. To top it off, I called my sister over the telephone to try to mend relations. What I got in return was a 90 minute berating; she expressed years of resentment, and listed my faults in great detail. And I just let her talk; I hope it helped her.

It sounds like you are making progress with your father, in that you have finally expressed your grievance, and did so with civility. If I tried that with my sister it'd be total war, at least from her side. So I just withdraw and let the embers of anger grow cold.

It almost doesn't matter to me now whether I am right or wrong. I just want peace.

Ron B.

Wow, Ron, that is a lot! I hope you're doing better now, Pneumonia can be brutal! (Apparently, so can sisters).

I guess it just goes to show we don't get to pick our family. But you created the upper road by letting her vent and hoping it helps her.

Good luck to you, maybe some good karma will come your way now!