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  3. Well, I guess that gives me another reason to live, gotta take off the fat so I can go faster. (literally)
  4. Thanks for the replies and Gwen, novelize all you want, please. Totally relate. As I said, I frequently have the thought that this putting one foot in front of the other without Susan can't last. There must be a bomb in my head waiting too go off. I've somehow dodged the full horrible impact of her unexpected death, but it will hit me at some point. I'll be curled up on the floor or staring off a ledge. EVERYTHING brings memories. It's a beautiful fall day and all I see is the days like this long ago when we first came to Boston, inseparable then as we remained till 3/31/17. But I'm having a coffee at our favorite coffee place and going sailing, our favorite recreation, with friends tomorrow. It's like I'm coasting on autopilot. Can this really last? I have a grief counselor and a non-specialist shrink. I've run this past both of them several times and they say they don't think there is a time bomb in my head.
  5. So very, very sorry. I can so relate to what you are going thru "but" just eleven months for me. I wake up and think darn I woke up, then i think well I woke up and didnt have a stroke and couldnt care for myself. It is a toss up!
  6. I was Tax guy until i got "reviewed", now everything is done by H&R Block with their stamp.......I review everything they do....Net cost is Less than $100....
  7. When George died they did consider weight with cremation price, don't know if it goes by range or what. If so, I'm in trouble with my dog, he's a big boy, but he's worth every penny. My kids are in trouble with me too, although I'll leave more than enough to cover it.
  8. I know. In the end I am glad things worked out the way they did for us but I do miss him, he has the most terrific sense of humor and was very intelligent, good values, I enjoyed his company. But his Asperger's might have drove me nuts. Still, he is a worthwhile person I'm glad I'm friends with. And he took care of me last year when I had eye surgery. You may feel more like resuming as friends later on down the road after you've had a chance to get over him, but you may not either, time will tell. Just do what's best for YOU. You need to be #1 in your life.
  9. I am not surprised at his response, I was kind of afraid of that, but it'll blow over and like you said, it's up to him now, you did what you felt obligated to do. Make note of it and the conversation in case anything comes up about it in the future. My kids' dad was an ODOT (Oregon Dept of Transportation) and he had to carry around a booklet that he logged details into about conversations, etc., anything he thought might have potential for coming back to raise its head and many were the time he was glad he did. It helps to have dates, times, who, where, etc. I'm glad he's removing her from you too, now you can focus on what you're good at! I know (wishing your dad were here), oh how I've been missing my mom! If nothing else, she understood what it is to be totally alone and have to deal with everything, she was widowed for 32 years! At least she had me to talk to, my daughter doesn't answer the phone and my son is busy so I hate to bother him unless I have to. I've been going through a lot lately with computer/internet issues and my wood stove. After spending $1400 for firewood and $3000 for a new wood stove and my son and his contractor friend spending all day installing it and the chimney and removal of the old one, it worked for a week and this week got progressively worse. It was 67-68 in here and with the cold rains and wind it just felt cold, and that was on high! I was afraid the catalytic compressor wasn't working and I felt so discouraged. Yesterday I emailed my son and he called last night. He asked a barrage of questions and figured out the problem, the thermostat hadn't been screwed down tight enough and it had moved, so the "settings" I was using were no longer in correlation to where it was at. What I thought was high was now low! He's going to give me the special wrench I need to tighten it down and then I'll memorize wherever it's at now and adjust accordingly. Now it's 75 in here and I'm toasted out! Sometimes all this worrying for nothing, but I didn't know that. He's put Windows 7 and Linux on my PC so I'll pick it up and drop off my laptop so he can do the same to it. I may be w/o the computer a couple of days while I hook it up and load stuff back onto it. I'll miss my laptop, I've always had it as backup! On top of what was going on with Microsoft Updates going nuts, my router went out. I thought it was related but it was coincidental. I still can't believe it quit shortly after the warranty expired! Oh well, I can live without that for a while. Sometimes just having someone to talk to helps us sort through all this stuff. I guess that's why I'm missing my mom and you're missing your dad. Sometimes I didn't get appropriate response from my mom because of her problems but I could always try and sometimes she understood.
  10. Worse days are coming..

    Wow, we get 2/3 here, and if you're still under the income guidelines you get food stamps. I didn't qualify when I was on unemployment years ago but I wasn't double minimum wage...still our min, wage may be higher than yours (I'm in OR), it's more than Fed. I guess it doesn't hurt to try. I did qualify for $10 off my landline every month and $250 off elec. bill annually. That varies state to state. A friend in IL only has to pay $35/mo for her elec. bill because of her low income and all her medical expenses are covered free of charge. She's even getting dentures for free! I think the elec. supplement will be ending though, a lot of grants are getting cut this year. I really hope all works out for you, I know how hard hitting all of these worries can be, sometimes they can overwhelm you and it helps to have someone to talk to, a form of release. I understand about your dog, I know you'll miss her but you'll likely feel relieved when she's placed because you won't have to worry about her safety anymore. I hope you find a wonderful home for her! I'm also glad to hear you do have family to fall back on. It's not a good feeling to think about being homeless.
  11. Grieving My Old Life

    Mindy, I'm sorry things aren't going as you'd hoped. It sounds like these are true friends, and if so, I'd host them for the weekend, even though it sounds like it couldn't come at a worse time for you. It sounds like they're using you for a B&B and spending their time elsewhere and that doesn't feel good. Still, for the sake of friendship, I'd abide with it. You've already told them you're busy packing to move, don;t have the furniture, busy, etc. and it sounds like it fell on deaf ears. Could it be the friendship revolved around the two children's friendship? If so, sometimes things change and maybe you didn't notice things before in your effort to make it work for their sake. I hope for the best for you and hope you do get some quality time together beyond cooking and cleaning. There's time company feels disruptive, when you're not in a state of readiness and didn't invite it especially.
  12. Thank you Kayc for your kind words. Knowing that this is not about me does not make it hurt any less, but I know I must accept the situation. Still, the thought of what could have been breaks my heart.
  13. Season of Grief - Is this "A Thing"?

    I wish my dad was here. I used to tell him about all these weird squirrelly things that would go on with these people that I'd run into working in the schools and he would just listen. He was always sympathetic. He said he never had to deal with anything like that in his career. He worked hard and sometimes he was overloaded and had to work really hard but he didn't have people trying to undermine him and playing games. People did their jobs and were involved in serious business. I used to hope that my dad would live until I retired and we could be retired together. We were hoping that he had at least another five years. I miss him every day. I am driving his old car around and wearing his old pocket watch that his dad gave him around my neck like a good luck charm...but it's not him...
  14. Season of Grief - Is this "A Thing"?

    So...I didn't get my head cut off, but Michael was rather irritated with me. He came up with some mumbo jumbo about trust, but I think he was insulted that I would think she needed a license and didn't have one. He thinks she doesn't need one. I think he is mistaken and has not looked at the law since it was written a decade ago. I don't think he looked into it after this piece of info was passed along to him and I think he's wrong. The board was very clear in stating that she needed a license for the kind of work she is doing and not just if her title matches exactly. But I did due diligence in passing along the info. What he does with it is not my problem. He also thought I was just "going after her" in retaliation because she had been so nasty to me. I explained to him that I had just stumbled across this piece of information while looking for something else that was actually related to my job. Also, I think this means that he really doesn't know what happens when you call these boards. If you don't file a complaint, nothing happens. That's why they try so hard to get people to file complaints - without it they can't really do anything. Maybe for medicine, but certainly not behavioral health in AZ. For all the harm that comes to the person with no license, you might as well call Santa and tell him she has been a bad girl and should get coal in her stocking. Nevertheless, the talk did clear the air, he acknowledged that he is well aware that she is "high maintenance" and there are problems surrounding her. More than he knows, in truth. But that is not really my problem. He has cleared her away from me so that I can focus on my job and get my work done. I also brought a copy of my color-coded spreadsheet along with me that has al the details of every case I am working on, along with dates of when everything is due. He could see that I am right on top of things. This is good. I have a lot of work to do and I can just focus on that without being ambushed and undermined around every corner.
  15. Hi, I'm glad you caught me before I left for a couple of days, I'll be offline so am glad I have a chance to respond first. I'm very sorry for what you''re going through...been there. Your poor BF, he's been through so much, I can't imagine so many losses at once! As you've already seen if you've been reading here, this is a common grief response, although not everyone responds this way...a certain segment of people feel they can't do a relationship at the same time as they're grieving. In his case he still has his father and aunt fighting for their lives. In my case, my fiance of one year broke up with me by FedEx, it came to my office so I wasn't even afforded the luxury of dealing with it privately. Very humiliating, and I was totally blindsided and heartbroken. In these situations it's best not to talk relationship talk with them because it causes them to feel more pressure which they can't handle, but you're saying you don't want advice so I'll leave it with that. There is no way of knowing when he'll be ready for a relationship because everyone is unique and so is his situation. He has a lot to get used to. In my situation I considered him worth having as a friend even without the relationship and after a few months break we resumed contact and are friends today these seven years later. He has not dated since, neither have I, but we are older and that factors in, plus it hurt my ability to trust...and it hurt his ability to trust himself. He felt if he could do this to me he couldn't trust himself not to hurt someone else if things went wrong in life, and since none of us have guarantees... I'm glad you realize it is the situation and not you personally. My personal feelings are that I wouldn't want to be with someone if they could just up and ditch me just like that, I want someone who loves me through thick and thin, and wants to go through life together...or not at all. I've pretty much chosen the not at all because I had the right person once and he died, I just haven't ever met anyone else that loved me like that or vice versa. My only advice in moving forward to aid you in getting over this is keep busy, work on yourself, spend time with family and friends, a good time to join a gym or take up a class. It took me a few months but we do get over even this. I know how painful this is. It is good to work on forgiving him so it doesn't affect who you are, we do it for ourselves more than anyone as they often don't even realize it.
  16. TomPB, I went through these thoughts and feelings at about the same time.. Grief is not linear. I found my life drastically changed whether I wanted it to or not. Losing my identity, husband,best friend, mate, caregiver, etc... It didn't seem to affect other people as much as it has my life... a tearing of the heart and soul. As I continue on this grief journey, I also discovered some tools that helped me deal with this new and changed lifestyle. I still don't like it but I know I don't have the power to change it. Gradually, after sharing this pain heartache and grief, it somehow helps to get it out of my head. I have learned many things along this grief journey as you will to. There is a reason and purpose to all of this but I don't know what it is for you. My prayer is that you will find you path through the grief. You are welcome to read my earlier posts. I don't know if they will even make sense. I hope it helps someone else in this grief journey. - Shalom, George
  17. Last week
  18. Quite the timing you asked that question about being hit with the reality of it, Tom. Although I am facing 3 years in less than 2 weeks, I was wondering if something was wrong with me because it feels so much worse now. I talked to my counselor about it and he said that timing and events are different for everyone. He had some clients it took 5 years before it truly hit them. He calls it acute grief that people assume we experience at the time if the death, but it's very different. That is more shock and disbelief. The last 3 years were certainly hard, full of grief and all that comes with it. Is year, tho, I feel truly beaten down to the point of what is the purpose of going on. He will never be back. I will die alone. In between I have no one to share the time I have. I wake every day with thoughts and plans and no one to share them with. I've handled small and major things on my own so I know I am capable. But this year some events happened that held a magnifying glass to the reality and I cannot look away. It's finally become real. Part is taking no pleasure of accomplishment for what I do. It's all just a pain in the ass now. It can be as small as little chore we shared or as large as getting a call after all this time from someplace that didn't know he had died. Now the changes around me have a big impact. Not that I thought there was, but I see so clearly there is no going back and the road ahead of me. It's what has been talked about in other topics. Assumptions we are 'better' with the knowledge. We are more adapted to doing for ourself because we have no other choice. Maybe it is that choice that is missing that is a big trigger. Without getting profoundly detailed about things that happened to me this year, what I can say from many sessions with my counselor is that in voicing them I am understanding why this feels like the first year of ultimate true reality. One hugely significant change and then the constant little ones are taking a toll. Time is irrelevant. This is my time of painfully acute grief. All it has done is reset the clock and this is my first year I see the truth of it. No books, platitudes or anything can ease my soul and heart. Timing is hard because talking with people is far past their understanding of the permanence of this so it becomes more isolating. They've 'heard it all before' kinda thing. While I absolutely hate how intense this is, at least I know I am not going crazy. Well, in some ways yes, but in keeping with what I am dealing with. I have no interest in life right now. Medical issues are info gathering only to me to decide what is worth pursuing with so little motivation. They (whoever they are) say do it for yourself. Easy to say if you had a love of life. The redundancy of days upon days in this new life I never wanted have beaten me down. I've missed all the things we do, his voice, his presence, his lifeforce for so long. Do you ever get used to a lifeless house after 30 plus years? I don't know, sure can't see it now. He has been replaced with an iPad to fill my hours at night. Hardly warm and cozy. I don't read articles on grief anymore. I am a veteran yet a newbie. I have found no answers. I don't have that belief I will see him again which makes it harder. If I'm wrong, great, but I have to live in this world now watching life go on and often in happy ways for others. I'm functional. Like a robot. I've become a good little widow in the eyes of the world. I keep it to myself. A big thing I have noticed is no one really asks how I am doing about this. I wish someone would sincerely so I could have a good cry and not be alone doing so. Now I go out and do 'normal' things like shopping and then come home to this wonderful home we made that feels lifeless. Where is that guy who helped me unload or had a smile and signs of life within? I don't count the dogs because they have adapted as animals do. Sorry for the novel. Your post just brought everything I struggle with to the surface.
  19. Hi everybody, I've been reading through the posts and thought about sharing my story. I met my boyfriend 4 months ago, it was young, Yes, I know, but there was such a good connection between us. We spent a lot of time together, we went out with his friends or mine, he wanted me to meet his parents, we were getting really close, we never had an argument. We went on holiday for a week and had a lovely time, the day we came back he took me to lunch at his parents for the first time (I had declined the first times he asked because I thought it was early). The following day he went to Japan, he was supposed to be there for two weeks, but 5 days into his trip his mother was rushed to the hospital, had a heart attack and went into a coma; he asked me to help him find a ticket to fly back but his relatives told him to wait. Two days later his mother died. At the hospital they realized she was poisoned by a chemical element, and so was the rest of his family: his father, his aunt and his grandparents. His father and aunt are still in the hospital but they are getting better; his grandparents died within a week. After his mother died I bought him a ticket for two days later (he asked me to, he chose the day). When he came back I went to pick him up at the airport and stood by him the whole time, to the hospital (we had to have bloodwork done because we had lunch with them the previous week and they did not know when and how the intoxication took place), we had to go to the Police to talk with them (the investigations are still ongoing but they are not going anywhere) and I was with him the whole time, I was with him at the wake, at the funeral, we went out sometimes with friends and sometimes alone. His way to cope was to pretend he was fine, he did not open up about his feelings; still, the cracks were there. He slept an awful lot, he was edgy and tense, colder and withdrawn, the sex was basically non-existent. Then, after a couple of weeks since his rerum, he broke up with me. He did it with a text on whatsapp, which I was appalled by. He said he did not feel in love as he would have liked to be and that he felt I uncomfortable, nervous and almost guilty. So he broke up with me. He was quite brutal, and cold, almost business-like. I know, I feel, that this has all to do with his grief and that we were not strong enough as a couple to survive this. So I'm not asking you for advice, I'm not asking for reassurance about his possible comeback, I know he won't come back. When he will be ready he will likely fall in love with someone else, even if he was so happy with me, even if his friends had not seen him like he was with me for a long time. We had our chance, and tragedy took it away from us. Sometimes things go wrong and we just have to accept this. Thanks for reading my story.
  20. I just realized that this very old song expresses how I feel https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ninagordon/theendoftheworld.html I wake up in the morning and I wonder Why everything's the same as it was I can't understand, no, I can't understand How life goes on the way it does How can I go on doing the things I always did and trying to have a new life when Susan, who was my whole world, strong and full of life and love and future plans, passed away in about 10 minutes with no warning or preparation? Isn't it more likely that the full horror of what happened has not hit me yet, and when it does I'll be non functional?
  21. Grieving My Old Life

    I am confused by friends' actions. Our friends are visiting our area due to their son's sporting event. They asked- actually told - us that they were staying with us. I explained that we have little to no furniture - we have given away and/or sold quite a bit of furniture as we are building the next step of our lives. (I told my friend they will be sleeping on an blow bed. She then volunteered to bring their own.) We are also in the process of moving and packing. I explained this to my friend and she explained that they were too cheap to get a hotel. I felt guilty because they have helped us in many ways - during my angel child's treatment, since my angel's child death, etc. Originally, the idea was pitched as them "seeing us" and "visiting us". Then upon further investigation, they won't be around - if at all. My feelings are hurt. I was hoping to get to spend some time with one of my closest friends. When my husband and surviving child were eating breakfast this morning, I brought up the situation. My husband explained and excused their behavior. Simply, I stated that my feelings were hurt because I was hoping to see my friend more. There's more to this as well. My friend had invited herself to our house for Thanksgiving. I was very open and willing for that to happen - then her husband changed plans due to his family's (his mom & dad's extended family's plan). From one perspective I can understand they are "attempting" at our friendship. Perhaps they are trying to be present - but I am not sure I am ready to have guests in our house. For me, this is a huge commitment because I am a host. I was raised in the South - no matter how much one has or doesn't have - you feed people, you provide things to make them feel at home. At the core of it all is this - my angel child and one of their children were the closest of friends. They told everyone they were related. I wanted some true quality time. Our families gathered for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Most of the time, they were at our house because we had the room and I love to entertain. We are in a new place. We are in a new city. It's really rough for me right now. I miss my old life. I grieve for the way things were. I miss my angel child so much - they were the youngest. We still did Santa, Elf on the Shelf, Thanksgiving always involved a piece of turkey art and Easter was especially unique. Their love of the holidays was one of the ways we connected. One of my most precious memories is the sign my angel child made for their Elf on the Shelf. They required that it be hung on their hospital door. I miss this "magic" dearly. I have been volunteering to help me with my focus; however, it's not same as having your own child alive. I know I am healing and I will continue. I just had to type it all out and experience my tears.
  22. Gracie

    I suppose you never stop aching for them Butch. I certainly don't. It warms our hearts to see the picture of your bride. It reminds me of how I wondered.........."who would have seen this coming".
  23. Worse days are coming..

    Thank you! Very informative I relayed all those to him. He was going to try for food stamps anyways but I'm not entirely sure either. It kinda went over my head when he explained it. I know our state has ridiculous insultingly low unemployment.. Less than min wage and he was making about double min wage and a half. I tend to not be very good with money unless it is cash. I am much better at saving bills than I am with a piece of plastic. I can set a limit with myself before I go out, I can't hand the cashier an IOU. However I have been much better with that lately, and to my fiancee's relief I tend to shop at the dollar tree so even if I grab a lot of items, it doesn't cost us very much. Once I find the dog a good home, because it has been taking all of my available energy I will be applying for jobs again to help out how I can. I had slacked off with that too because of mental health and I got distracted keeping everything together. Chores and keeping an eye on everyone else, and all the pets was a job of it's own. Not to mention my own health, especially mental has been very fragile. The dog I'm currently finding a home for was constantly hopping the fence, heading for cars, and constantly becoming a huge mental burden as well.. I love her but crying my eyes out at 4 am because it's dark, and my back door is open and she's just gone is not healthy.. Wondering where she is, we live by a main road, running desperately around screaming her name.. Horror movies should be based off that feeling because it is a horrible awful feeling. It has been a draining year. But we have had some wins and that's what is important and we will get through it. We have backup plans atleast. We will not be out alone in the cold during the holidays, we are blessed with great family who would help us out and give us a place to crash.
  24. Sorry For Your Loss

    Thank you for the kind words, but please know it isn't me not accepting support. From my friends and family I do. It's from total strangers who are saying this to me. People I have NEVER met before who have never met me. And whom I never told and none of my friends or family told. I do still talk about her, all the time, even to strangers in person, but these are random people coming onto my private facebook account and saying it, when I have not told them, and by all accounts they shouldn't know. It must just be a weird association in my mind. Total strangers bringing it up really bothers me. I guess it is not an issue most people face. I still avoid lasagna like the plague because it was her last meal. I used to love lasagna and she even told me how much she loved it.. Now all I can think about was the detective's asking if that was the last thing she had ate and it being the vomit on her face. But I don't get upset or offended when someone offers me lasagna or asks if I like it. Maybe there is something I am not recalling like a stranger immediately saying it. I just don't understand who the heck these people are and WHY they are saying this to me. It isn't like it is only one person commenting. Every day it's like 5-10 people saying it. She doesn't have an obituary, my facebook name is not my real name, neither is my mom's, and these people live in different states, no mutual friends. I also get immensely bothered whenever someone posts pictures of dead animals or the moment of people's death's, even if it not gory, so maybe it Is just me associating people on Facebook doing these things with that. I would get rid of my facebook but there are some important people who I can only contact on there. My text messages tend not to go thru to my fiancee so messenger is easier. Maybe I will just make a private messanger only account that I will only give to the important people. My facebook was pretty private for awhile but I guess it is time to change it.
  25. Sorry, folks. I didn't realize this free replay was up...possibly only for the rest of TODAY. But if you want a good overview on cancer in companion animals, this is part of the Truth About Cancer series. You can purchase the entire series if you miss either this replay or others now being replayed for free in different time increments: https://go2.thetruthaboutcancer.com/pets/chapter-2/ This one will cover: Vaccines Nutrition Water
  26. When "this" first happened, the only books I could concentrate on were written by widows, widowers. I had to reach out and see that what they were feeling was also what I was feeling. I made a mistake on one or two books. One, I left at the "washateria" for someone else to read and I took it out of my mind's memory. It bothered me so much that I could not talk to Billy. Yesterday driving the 49 miles to my Arkansas pharmacy, (Louisiana does not like to give Xanax), I saw the clouds in front of me for miles with two eyes and a smile, I like my imagination, do not like aberrations. I could talk to this Billy. My granddaughter likes me to stay up and watch TV with her. Last night was one of my recorded shows, "Chicago PD" and I kept wanting to go to sleep. I did nod off for only a few seconds (long enough for her to notice and wake me up) and when I opened my eyes, I saw Billy again. I don't know why that happens. I welcome the Xanax at night because it gives me amnesia from dreams. Nothing would make me happier everlasting than to have Billy back, but I know these are just aberrations and he is not here and it really bothers me rather than comforts me. My daily reading by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D, today addresses what other people think our life should be now. (I actually go days without reading him now), but today (and I won't write all that he says), it tells us this: "So, the next time someone hints at a deadline for our grief, let's just smile and enjoy the sound of it whooshing by. We're masters enough of our own grief to realize by now that deadlines are mere sound effects." He had written a quote by Douglas Adams that said "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
  27. I guess the USA is just a very big place. Down in the south, we have burn bans. Down south of y'all, California is burning. Kevin, I admire your getting out and doing all that yard work in spite of the troubles you have had. Got to keep these bodies moving, or they won't. I sure need to practice what I preach.
  28. Cannot deny that, which puts "us" in a very real conundrum. Do we eat ourselves to death? What then, do they charge more for cremation? My body will soon provide a living flame with this fat. Cannot be buried, I don't know that many men that could hold the coffin. I used to enjoy walking, but I did have Billy at home that I could call if my "problem" happened. I walked a road called "Golden Road" which was the country road one over from our Circle Drive home. I "cheated" by cutting across the preacher's yard because if I went to the end of the street, the pit bull got after me. Dixie (our Golden Retriever) once got me down on the ground and I knew then age had crept up on me. I could not get up. All she wanted to do was love me and kiss me to death. After that (she was only about 8 months old) we gave her to a family with two kids that jumped down on the ground with her and they all played. I could not play,, and she never even looked back driving away. Billy could have trained her not to jump up on us, but he had lost his dog training impetus. That used to be a hobby of his. The dog was for our granddaughter, who really did not want to take care of an animal, we found out. I have come so close to death myself, I now know it as a real thing, and I cannot pay more for a pet deposit and monthly rent. You think walking on concrete is tough on the legs, and it really is. Walking the dirt roads was not as tiring. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I have about five pair of Sketchers, so that excuse won't pass. (My daughter buys me shoes, I don't). She and my mother were shoe crazy. I have to do it. I know I have to do it just so my back does not hurt so often. And, what back, "in its right mind" could handle carrying around these hips all day? Gotta have pain. Can I blame it on my "low residue diet?" Nope, cannot do that. My legs work just fine, so far, but I do see the writing on the wall, and the footsteps behind me get louder. No excuse, except death by eating. Gotta change, if not for myself, for my granddaughter. She told me (and she went in with me) when I was having my blood drawn, that mine worried her more than hers being drawn, and she has a pretty good hold on beginning hypochondria.
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