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  2. Dear all, thank you so much for your kind messages. I feel less alone and more understood when I come here, although lately I haven't been active in writing as much as before. I'm going through so much having gone back to therapy. It's hard, it's been too long without talking about, dealing my grief by keeping it hidden and sut up. My thoughts are a mess and I cry a lot during the sessions cause it hurts, cause the guilt is still there, cause I want my past to come back to heal this wound, and etc. Today I mentioned the reasons why I would like to visit the city my boyfriend and I lived for 5 years, and I didn't mention HIM the reasons (like "visit the cementery, visit our old house). I used "MY MY MY" and no "OURS". When I took notice of that, I started to cry so much, as if I have been in denial and ignoring our life together. I told my therapyst that I have no one to talk about and when I do, I try to look as if I'm "moving on". It is so hard cause I don't know what is going on, no matter how many articles and posts I read. I don't know what my brain is doing, what it means. Am I forgetting, cancelling, denying, burying? What the hell is all of this? If I'm not crazy, I wonder what crazy must be if this is actually not crazyness. My book of reference says that in grief, you should get used to land mines spread here and there.
  3. Thank you @kayc sometimes I need to see things through other eyes. It was a lousy night but therein is shining today.
  4. Today
  5. Nothing like a beautiful baby to brighten our day!
  6. My dear Butch, You have not had time to grieve and learn about the grieving process the way we have. Your life has been consumed by one tragedy after another, each one demanding your attention and enlarging your grief. Is it any wonder you are feeling the guilt that comes with grief? Pretty much all of us has felt that...the "what ifs", it is so common with grief. Almost as if we are trying to rewrite the ending with a different outcome. We wonder, "What if I had ____ instead of ____? Fill in the blanks. The truth is, the outcome would likely have been the same and if anyone should own some guilt, it is the medical personnel that misdiagnosed to start with. We cannot be expected to know the diagnosis when we ourselves are not trained medical personnel, that is why we defer to doctors and their medical tests! There is nothing in this world that you or I would not have done for Mary and George. Nothing! We would have given our very lives for them, and gladly so! No, you are not at fault here. I hope you will read these articles and take to heart what they are saying. Marty just posted in Articles under Tools for Healing a list of 55 ways to grieve is not meant to be an exhaustive list, it is not meant to grade us, you might do all of the things on this list or none of them, but it is just there to offer suggestions you might not have thought of, also when we check off the list we can see just how much we have done to help us through our grief. I saved the list to simplify finding it and will post it for you here. Credits can be found in the link above. 55 Strategies for Coping with Grief.docx In addition, I've compiled my own list of Tips to Make Your Way Through Grief, linked here.
  7. Marita, You are too kind to his family, just saying, if it was me, I would be keeping the ashes, you are his widow! Usually we don't like the term widow, but to me it has an elevated status of position along with wife. You were his chosen...wife in life, widow in death. Regardless, #1. There are places that create diamonds from our deceased's ashes, I would have that done, they can have the rest, and honestly, you are being kind in giving any ashes to them, they are yours to do with as you will. Keep a thimbleful in a glass container, yours to look at if you want, but there with you. I'm sorry you are forced to go through all of this alone. I live my life alone and it is hard enough without the things you are facing alone. My heart goes out to you and I hope you feel the hugs I am sending to you!
  8. Thank you, Marty, I've saved this "list"; it might be helpful for people to peruse and see how much grief work they HAVE done, also to glean ideas for things they may not have tried or considered.
  9. Pat, the ebb and flow of grief will be with us forever. My wife Tammy died on March 6, 2015 and I still have moments of angst that are very intense. Unfortunately for us, time doesn't heal all wounds. This is a wound so profoundly deep that there is no way it hasn't "scarred" us for life. With deep love come even deeper heartache. Having said that, in time, you do learn to at least cope. You learn what helps and what doesn't help. It's not easy in any way. Grief is hard work. The hope for the future is that we can somehow find a way to make a life that at least has some contentment to it. That's my goal anyway. I know my life will never have the same joy it once had. I had a once in a lifetime love story with Tammy. Tammy will always serve as my inspiration moving forward. Her courage and her love is forever etched on my soul. Today is a new day on our journey. Let's see where it takes us. Mitch
  10. It will soon be 18 months since I last hugged my husband. I didn't know that the day was going to end with me being told that my husband of 35+ years had ended his life. I still am shocked that he killed himself. I had no clue. Nothing prepared me for what I was being told. Too often my brain gets stuck on the why. No matter what I might think I will never get the answer. He is keeping it a secret. At night when I need to sleep, my brain is like a freshly wound toy. It's going so fast that it's flipping all over the place. I don't seem to finish one thought before another is jumping in my brain. I need to quiet my brain but the more I try the worse it feels. I have so many questions that need answers. In my rational mind I know that I can not keep torturing myself with questions. I wonder about what went wrong, why he didn't talk to me about what was wrong, would I have been able to fix 'it', could I have stopped him, were there signs I missed, why didn't I know? Was it something I did or was it something I didn't do? I procrastinate and ruminate every time I have to decide something and then I second guess every decision I do make. My brain is working overtime. As I said I know that my actions are not in my best interest but how do I make myself stop? And thus another question to chew on, to digest each molecule, and to hope and trust that the outcome is right... Two days ago I opened my husband's cremains to add to his father's and mother's cremains for spreading by his siblings. They have no idea of the pain I endured opening that bag. As with most things I must do I was alone. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as my hands became covered in the ashes of all that remains of my husband. I am not included in their ceremony. I am not family. This also causes me to question myself and to feel deeply alone. I can not tell my adult son how poorly his aunts and uncles treat me. He needs to feel like part of a family, something I do not have to give him. I am filled with a sadness too deep to measure. It is nearly 3:00 am and my brain is still spinning and jumping. I will be awake for hours yet, until my brain slowly winds down and sleep softens my heart 💓
  11. Thank you Darrel. As long as I know there is at least some type of respite coming in the future. Sometimes it scares me to see that there are some that sound as if there is no relief in sight.
  12. Pat, I all to well remember being where you're at right now on your grief "time line". In late January of last year when I was less than a month into this journey I was still in shock. My wife had lingered on life support for about 2 weeks before the time came to help her end her losing battle on New Year's Day, 2016. Even tho I thought I had spend that last week of 2015 preparing myself for what finally had to happen, I found out real quick that I really wasn't ready. I don't think it's possible to really be ready for something like that. I didn't stumble upon this wonderful group of fellow sufferers until Cristmas Eve of last year. I somehow stumbled along during (almost) that entire year entirely on my own. Somehow I managed to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I didn't want to. My wife and I had been together for 41+ years. All of a sudden I was having to learn how to be alone again. I hated it. I still don't sleep well at nite. Even if I slept on an army cot it would seem too big without Cookie beside me. I still have good days and bad days. Fridays are still bad days for me. Her last New Year's Day fell on a Friday. Tomorrow will be my 18 month mile marker on this journey for me. A year and a half without my Rock. I don't like putting one foot in front of the other without her, but I make myself to it. And I somehow manage to. I will never stop loving her and missing her. But some parts of the grief process are easier by now. That burning, empty hole in my gut doesn't rage as out of control by now. My whole point of this rambling is to try to assure you that you will begin to see improvement in yourself little by little as you continue along this grief journey. And then, just about the time you see that improvement and pat yourself on the back, something will come along that will trigger a memory and you will backslide a little bit. That is just the nature of this beast. You have found a good place to come to when you need some comforting and a hug. Everyone here either is or has been where you are at. A big hug to you from this ole transplanted Okie. One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  13. 55 Grief Coping Strategies by Mark Hendricks This list is not to be used to grade the way you’re doing grief. It can help you identify coping strategies you are already using and suggest others to consider. You don’t have to use all or any of them. If something seems like it might help, you could give it a try. That’s all. Just something to think about. Read on here >>>
  14. What a beautiful baby! Thanks for sharing your bundle of joy ❤️
  15. You are so wise Mitch
  16. So glad to hear from you Butch. I am glad things with the children are ok for you. I don't/didn't know your wife but considering what a wonderful man you are she must be absolutely incredible. I doubt that she would want you to be feeling any guilt. I think she loves the great guy she married and the incredible Grandfather he has become. You are an inspiration Butch. Give yourself some credit for all you do and look for those peaceful moments.
  17. Well, that sure brought a positive smile. Love it.
  18. Agree. I'm crying so much that my vision is blurry most of the time!
  19. Yesterday
  20. Butch,. Thanks for the pics. Hope your whole family feels better. 3 months is a long time for Katie, but that's what she has to do.
  21. I like your attitude Darrel. Onward we go.
  22. I'm so glad you wrote the above because I never thought of it that way. You are right, crying in the past was about mostly temporary problems and frustrations that got resolved one way or another. This one won't. Although extremely painful, the loss of parents, pets and friends were the natural order, as is a spouse at some point for one of them, but oh so different! I always think of the exception of losing a child and can only imagine the horror that brings your soul. So we cry and cry now but it cant soothe as it did other losses and problems. I think of the times in my youth I cried like it was the end of the world about a breakup. So little did I know of what that truly felt like for that person to be forever gone not just from my life, but from the world. Ive never cried so much with so little relief as now. That feeds on itself too. Knowing it will keep coming back again and again and the outcome is the same, I'm still alone without being so special in one persons eyes and heart. Yet we have to live with that feeling for them....unrequited now.
  23. What better company for a kid than Grandpa. What better to bring smiles than grandchildren. Thank you Butch. Hope Caleb gets to feeling better fast, know it is hard with the depression he feels, that you all feel, but then there is Gracie, a smile every time I see her. It is a long time till October. Hope Katie feels much better.
  24. Thanks gracie is only with me when Allen works. I love caring for both Caleb and Gracie. ❤️
  25. Butch, I'm so sorry to hear that Caleb has been ill. I'm sure he enjoys being with Grandpa and is a comfort to you. Is Gracie with you also? Young children are a handful, but what a blessing. Karen
  26. Thank you all for your replies. Caleb was in the hospital a while. He's doing better and will be staying with me because it's a better fit one on one emotionally after losing his brother. Plus Katie is now on bed rest from now until her due date Oct 1. I'm trying very hard to go easy on myself regarding guilt about Mary's death. Maybe this maybe that I'm trying not to do. It's so hard.
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