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  2. Join Us For an Easter Webinar A Time for Hope and Healing Mar 28, 2018 5:00 PM Mountain Time Easter Blues? Holidays can be a downer for those who have suffered loss. Join Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi Horsley and inspirational speaker Bradley Vinson for a discussion of empowering you and handling those difficult days. Text in your comments and ideas. Register Here Todayar. Open to Hope Foundation|The Compassionate Friends
  3. Tom, Thanks for the welcome, I have had a therapist who was honest with me and said for some people the mourning lasts until the end of your own life when couples are true soulmates.
  4. Going into year 4 I am still waiting on that 'life' thing. I hope your 2nd year goes better than mine, Tom. That is when it started becoming really real. We’re all so different. The pain is so intense, but how we react is so unique. Family and friends will help. I had and still don’t have any of those so it makes the journey tougher.
  5. Welcome Linda. I relate strongly to what you say, tho I'm at an earlier stage with the 1 yr anniv of losing my other half coming up on 3/31. I think I'm doing every thing possible and have support of a wonderful therapist, friends and family, especially friends who are also grieving. I have OK moments and then some thought of Susan's unconditional love and amazing sweetness will come to mind and the pain of its loss will stop me cold. The only purpose I still have is making sure Susan is remembered. I'm having a 1 yr Memorial get-together and also intend to set up some more permanent Memorial. I'm in good physical condition so far as I know. I'm a competitive swimmer. Nevertheless except for getting the Memorials done I absolutely would not mind checking out with a sudden heart attack in the pool, being hit by a car, etc but the prospect of hospitalization without her by my side is a nightmare. DNR! Anyway assuming I make it to 3/31 I'll just see what yr 2 brings. My therapist tells me that at some point the warmth of the memories will be greater than the pain of the loss. If she's right I may have a life. We'll see.
  6. It happened to me twice in a row. My ex-husband up and left me one day after 10 years - depression is the culprit. Shortly thereafter (1 year or so) I met the man I spoke of in my story. That was 4 years ago. I still feel pain from that...I've completely moved and and am so happy now, married, etc. but those feelings never go away. They do get better as time goes on, but you can't help but wonder... Thanks for reaching out. How are you doing Marianne? xoxo
  7. Looking for some advice please - Myself and my bestfriend attended the same university but each got different circles of friends. When I would visit her I would hang out with her new circle of friends which is where I met my boyfriend. We clicked straight away which was great because we all had be same friends. His dad got diagnosed with terminal cancer before dying 8 months later, which led him to spend a whole summer in hospital by his dads bed until the dad he passed away. A month after his dads death, we started the next year of uni where we started dating. The relationship was amazing and we spent everyday together and travelled. Because we shared the same group of friends we’d always be together sharing memories with our closest friends. As the relationship went on I began to realise he became dependent on certain drugs and had a tendency to want to get out of his head almost everyday. I knew this was due to grief and myself and his friends were worried but he’d become withdrawn when i’d ask. It got to the point when we’d go out together and he’s get in such a state that we’d fight about it because I was always taking care of him. On a few occasions I’d give him the option to not be a relationship to take off the pressure so I could be there for him as a friend and support him but he’d say he just loves me so much he can’t do that. On some occasions he’d go back home to visit his mum and sister but he’d always come back home to me withdrawn but I knew that was because it was different to return to see his family to know his dad isn’t there and he’d have to take responsibility for looking after his family. Recently he visited home for a while then came back very withdrawn, I questioned him on it saying it was hard to not take it personally when he was off with me and he said my happiness was more important and he said he knew this relationship wasn’t making me happy. He then told me he thought it’d be best if we weren’t together because he’s hit the lowest point with the grieving process and he’s not the same person anymore and wants to work on getting better because he’s finally recognising how depressed he is. I told him I wanted to help work through it together but he said he can’t be in a relationship because he just needs to be on his own and can’t put the energy into a relationship. We didn’t speak for a few days before I asked him to meet me which is did which led us to talk for 6 hours about everything, me crying and he telling me his mind had been made up and he knows what he needs to do now. He was incredibly sympathetic and lovely and held me when I cried but he told me it’s best we leave it now before it gets more painful for the both of us I completely understand where he’s coming from and I know it’s for the best if it leads to his long term happiness, I’m just finding it so hard to let go of my bestfriend who I spent everyday with. I’m also finding it hard to get over it and keep myself busy because we share the same circle of friends so I’ve had to avoid seeing them especially as his house is round the corner! I just miss him terribly and I feel I have nothing left, I would love to wait around but I know it may hurt me more if he doesn’t come back to me. I’m also really worried that he’s in destructive mode and knows now he isn’t with me im not holding him back for getting out of his head on drugs and drink as since we’ve broken up he’d been on it everynight, I don’t really know what to do
  8. Hey there! I lost my mum awhile back, too. She'd been chronically ill but this the rapid decline and sudden death floored me and my siblings. My dad passed away nearly 20 years ago, and that was rough enough. But, my mum was a best friend to me. We shared life together. I have gone through alot of emotions and still miss her every day. Regarding your BF...I'm so sorry that you've experienced another loss! Look at it this way. He provided support to you at a time when you desperately needed it. He was in your life for a season. Sounds like he has his own things to work through, perhaps including a mental health disorder that he hasn't shared with you. Better to have seen the 'other side' of him now, before your relationship had progressed! Don't look back! If he told you 'It may be months', he's wanting space to deal with his own stuff and maybe having to be your support also is too much for him to handle. So, to move forward I would say focus on yourself and developing a group of friends to go out and socialize with. Another option would be to find a local grief recovery group! Online support is also awesome, like here. Do you belong to a gym? What activities do you enjoy doing? Do you work? If by chance your mom was really your primary friend, social network, and support-I suggest you begin by joining some open groups, to connect with people. If you already have those circles developed-get back to it! It's time, and your mom would want it that way! One last comment...no man wants to be or is capable of being the type of support us women need. They cannot and should not be expected to complete us. We have to be whole, and we need our female friends to lean on. When the time comes that you enter another relationship, you'll be whole and through the grieving process (it takes about a year), and will be ready to for a mutually healthy relationship. Hope this helps!
  9. Absolutely I completely understand where you’re coming from. The main difference I’ve noticed however compared to almost all these stories is that she’s saying she is doing it to give US the best chance in the future. Also that she’s been trying to protect what we have, almost from herself, so that we have every chance of continuing at some point. I’ve not seen that from any other posts also she’s never said she doesn’t love or want to be with me. Just she cannot do any relationship right now, she needs to sort herself out. How long that will take is the hardest question and how long do you wait another....
  10. Hi Kayc, You MIL was a very strong woman, I am sorry for your loss. Thanks for your concern, but I really died the day my Husband did. I had memorial bricks put in at the St. Augustine Lighthouse which was our favorite place. We visited many Lighthouses along both coast where we retired.
  11. Well, if you get cancer, and the doctor tells you, you STILL have the option not to treat it. My MIL started out taking chemo but it made her so incredibly sick...she elected to discontinue it. She was put on hospice and when she was sent home from the hospital, given about three weeks to live. She lived nearly three years after that! I've never seen the kind of suffering she went through, but she did it bravely and stoically, they said she literally willed herself to live...for her grandchildren. She didn't want to miss a moment with them. That time with her was very precious for all of us. I just hate to see you go through something treatable unnecessarily...I'm not talking about cancer. 70 isn't that old, I'm only five years behind you!
  12. I'm so sorry for what has happened to your friends. I'm glad he has a good friend in you, he will need someone to be by his side in the upcoming time ahead. I'm sorry for your loss, it's very hard to lose a close friend.
  13. And they are right. Like I said to HardLove, read each and EVERY ONE of the posts in this section, every thread, you will see a pattern, you will see why we say not to wait on them, not to count on them returning. I know you will do what you will do, most people don't heed the advice given and have to learn for themselves the long and painful way, but you would be skipping all that pain to cut off contact and hope and begin your healing even now. I'm sorry, I speak from experience, and not only mine but the experience of each and every contributor here in Loss of Love section.
  14. I would caution you against waiting though...it's not fair to you and she might never return. That said, I know you will undoubtedly figure it out on your own, in time. I just hate to see you setting yourself up for a fall. If you would read through each and every post in this section, EVERY SINGLE ONE, you will see what I'm talking about.
  15. Hi guys, The lose of a dear friend is one of the most devastating things that can happen to anyone. Joe, Michael and I were college friends. Our friendship was unique and we were like brothers and sister born to different parents. Last week, Joe and Michael encountered an accident and both were hospitalized. Joe passed away at the hospital in the care of his family and doctors on last Tuesday after a short struggle with severe traumatic brain injury. And about Michael, for God's sake, he survived with some rib fractures and now under medical supervision at the same hospital itself. But the saddest thing is that Michael is charged with a drunken driving case due to this incident. All of us are really depressed due to the demise of Joe. We don't know what to do. We have no idea about the legal proceedings Michael may have to face? I heard about a drinking and driving lawyer in Newmarket and planning to approach them after a quick discussion with Michael and his family. It hurts a lot....to lose a friend and to see this pathetic situation of the other. Hope everything will be okay soon. We could just pray to the Almighty. Rest everything is in his hands. I request your kind prayers.
  16. Janka, yes, each has their own way. Mine is sharing with friends, writing about and to Susan, meditating, doing things to make sure she is remembered. It all helps but then I get the feeling it's like taking an aspirin for cancer - nothing can be strong enough. I really swing back and forth. Had a good swim this AM, feeling relatively good, then out of nowhere I had the thought that I will never hear Susan call me PB again and started crying ❤️🐼
  17. My father's ashes

    My sister is a Sped Teacher's Aid. Y'all should get combat pay TAX FREE for what you have to deal with and then are told to NOT REPORT because you could damage the child's future or they are just not responsible for their actions. This thought police spins me up at times. Common sense has disappeared. IMHO - Shalom
  18. Yesterday
  19. I’m currently going through a very similar experience, however as always there are slight differences to the tale. I honestly don’t know what to do or where I’ll end up, I suppose the main positives I have is that my ex says what she’s doing will give us the best chance in the future of continuing. She still says she loves me, but at the moment is so full of anger towards me especially, she’s bringing up all of the mistakes I’ve made in the 9 years we’ve been together. She says she needs time and space to work on herself. My only thing at the moment is that I can still make her smile, even when she doesn’t want to and she returns to the person I knew, even if it’s for a few minutes. It gives me hope. I’ve probably made the situation worse by constantly trying to push for answers the last few months and occasionally saying some things that weren’t nice and untrue. I wish I’d left her alone months ago, but I do feel like I had to fight for her to try prove it’s really inportant to me and everything I want. I can do nothing more to prove it to her anymore, she’s got to come back on her own accord. You’re not alone, it doesn’t make it any easier however.
  20. I agree completely. I do feel like she has tried to push me away to protect what could potentially be salvaged in the future. She’s said from the week after she left that she would just push me to a point where we can’t return from if we were to try now. She’s also said that what she’s doing will give us the best chance in the future so I guess I have to put my trust in her judgement. This has been a repeated comment from the start of all this and was only said just last week also. She’s asked for space but I guess a few weeks is not the kind of space she needs, it needs to be longer than that. I will blame myself for not giving her the time or space but I’ve felt the need to really fight for this and look for answers. I truly love her dearly, she’s my best friend and I certainly don’t hold any grudges over anything that’s happened. I don’t think she does either, however she does seem to be bringing up my mistakes from many years ago which is unfair. We were very young and made some mistakes to hurt eachother, we never cheated on eachother or anything that serious which has to be a positive. The way I got her to smile last week and the way she looked at me fills me with hope that it’s still there, but I need to back off completely or it will just keep making it worse as you say.
  21. When we are grieving the world can seem about us as it's rather impacting and we don't have it in us to deal with much else...in that sense I suppose it can seem self-centered, as it needs to be in the early stages. That said, I can't imagine throwing away a partner because I'm steeped in grief. I personally would want that partner by my side, understanding and caring and supportive, but that's just me.
  22. One of the things this can do is protect what love there remains as if you continually hash and rehash and don't get anywhere with it, it can be detrimental to the relationship. It also protects you from the negativity, frees her to work on her own inner healing from the loss, and allows you the time to heal.
  23. This is exactly one of the things I considered after Jim broke up with me due to losing his mother. I would not want someone who would throw me away whenever something happened in life. It's not a matter of IF something happens in life, but more of WHEN something happens. I would personally want someone who would stick by me through thick and thin, someone who worked on life TOGETHER and actually CARED about me. Who needs the rest? I've come to the conclusion since that Jim makes for a better "friend" than "husband material". No offense to him, he's a wonderful guy that I truly care about, but I need something more than what he had to offer if I were to marry someone. Big point to consider!
  24. Try not to personalize what FEELS very personal right now...it really is about HER and HER situation...unfortunately, that affects YOU. When we grieve, we are very sensitive and can't handle very much and everything can feel overwhelming and we can be angry with the world...I'm sorry you're getting that fallout.
  25. Yes it is a huge worry, as it should be. As I said, your lady's reaction to this death is telling. As one of my favorite authors has written, "Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths." As I look back on my own life, I've never known it to be otherwise, and I think we delude ourselves if we think we can get through life without things going wrong. Sometimes they are just little things that pile up, and sometimes they are huge ~ but we must recognize that bad things happen to good people all the time ~ and you are wise to notice how this person has reacted in response to this death, as it's an indication of how she may react to any future crisis.
  26. That is ultimately a big worry of mine, even if we were to sort things out in the future, is this how she’s going to react when things go wrong. It has to be a huge worry.
  27. My friend, I don't think it's true that "in grief people get very selfish". Everyone grieves in ways that are unique to them, depending on many different factors (age, gender, personality, available support, past experience with loss, individual value and belief system, cultural background, etc.) What is relevant here is how this particular young lady is reacting to this particular loss, and the effect that her behavior is having on you. You are wise to pay attention! Life is full of crises, losses and disappointments, and this will not be the first time this woman will be faced with them. How she has behaved toward you in the wake of her grandmother's death is telling, because it gives you an idea of how she may react to serious problems in the future.
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