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  2. Sugar-coating is the worst thing we can do. It's like the doctor who knows there is no hope but still tells the family there is a chance. It's just setting people up for a fall. I remember coming onto one of the forums and the first post in response to my initial post said "normal is over now, you can forget those days". It was harsh but true and I appreciated the posters candor. It would have been easy for them to say "it's all going to be fine" but that would not have done me any good.
  3. My father's ashes

    I went through the checkbook I have been using to pay his expenses and my recollections of everything else and put this all in a spreadsheet, which I emailed to both of them. Since S has a broken computer and cannot access Excel, I also printed it out, took a photo with my cell phone and texted that to both of them as well, with an explanation that if they want an exact detailed accounting it is going to take some time - hint-a LONG time - because basically I don't want to do it and don't really have the time. I would have kept more careful records all along had I not had a head injury, but I did. It's just the reality that the person handling the estate had a head injury and marginal functioning for a long time. Anyway, they both agreed to just accept that and keep things moving along. This is sort of a compromise - and one that is reasonable for everyone. They get some information, S can get her check right away, and I am released from my responsibilities on this. Big relief.
  4. Thank you, Maryann, for sharing your heartwarming news. Clearly your Mark is looking out for you! We wish you continued happiness, and look forward to hearing more ♥
  5. Today
  6. Sean, it hurts all over again because it's just another reminder, unfortunately it won't be the last. We understand and my heart is with you. Hugs, Joyce
  7. How is everyone?

    I recently posted about the car accident that totaled Mark's car...am still processing the whole thing. Have a new vehicle and adjusting to it; trying to personalize it since it is only MY car. I still put Mark's clip on sunglasses on the visor...since I was told he is with me whenever I drive. I will be starting treatment with a doctor as the lawsuit has gotten underway. Some days I delay taking any pain meds (ibuprofen/Bufferin) just to see if things are improving or not. Usually not. I went yesterday without any muscle relaxer, since I forgot to take it the night before...and I KNOW it hasn't really improved much. Insurance screwed me out of $130 when they paid off the car. They waited until I made the August payment on the loan, and somehow paid less than they told me they would just a week before when they said they were totaling it. Should not have deleted that text message. GGGRRR. On a lighter note, I have been seeing a really nice man for about a month and a half. We are taking it slow, but I think he was hand-picked by Mark. He even has the same sense of humor. He checked in on me the Monday after the accident and when I answered the door, he asked me straight-faced, "Where's your car?" and then smiled really big. What really showed me that he is a good guy was on our first meeting, he asked me what I went through when Mark died...what happened that day. He knew I was a widow, because I listed it on my profile (we met on Our Time dating site). He makes me smile, and makes me feel pretty. I have missed that so much. I haven't wanted the attention of a man since Mark died over 2 1/2 years ago. I was afraid I might be too boring for him....but he said that I was FAR from boring. Made me feel good. I told him that I could not tell him how things might go as the trigger months start to arrive (between Thanksgiving and my birthday the end of March). His birthday is December 13 (another Sagittarius...lol) might help this year. I thought in the beginning that I wanted to stay alone...but felt a nudge to get back out there...think it was Mark wanting me to be happy once again. I began removing a lot of the things I put up around the house to strengthen my connection to Mark; but now know that he is in my heart and don't need reminders in every room. Plus, I feel it is not right to bring someone new into a "shrine". There are reminders around that he will never know are there. I think that is fair. I still stop by every so often and check in to see how everyone is...so many who came when I did have gone away.
  8. Ms

    Thank you for this. I really thought we had got closer as a couple prior to last weekend and I was worried this would happen. I've always appreciated his feelings and love will always be there for his deceased wife and we do talk about her occasionally. He has a picture of him and his wife on his wall and I've only ever said it's a great picture. I don't have any issues with it at all. He says he wants to meet to talk to me which is good except that I'm worried he really just wants to finish. The Friday before he went to scatter her ashes he confirmed a trip to Edinburgh with me in November for my birthday. I just really confused especially as I know I love him dearly and don't want to lose him.
  9. Yes Kay. Me and my girls. Yes, I have come to accept that it can and will hit me at any given time and that is ok. I am glad that we took this trip. It really helped turn a sad time into a happy one. We always would include the girls and do something fun for our anniversary.
  10. Please ignore the mistakes. This keyboard is small and like a smart phone, sometimes it tries to read my mind, which is impossible even for me. I did look at PC's yesterday at Walmart and have one picked out. Sept 1st I will get it before anyone else needs help. My birthday present to me. Kay, do not think that you are not appreciated. You have walked through the flames, and your memory of the heat helps us all. My daughter got on facebook fussing at friends that do not remember her often and the trials she is going through. I am ashamed for her. One of those friends posts often of the good times she is having with her church AA group, although it is not officially called that. She does not write about the personal demon that haunts her when she is alone. I want to write to please forgive her, besides her inherited mental illness, she actually is fighting pain from the chemo to shrink the teratomas in her brain. I cannot do that. We all walk a different path. Sometimes it is straight forward. Sometimes it is over great mountains that cut our souls and leave large gaping bleeding wounds. I would mention swimming great oceans, but because I cannot swim and I am still walking, I don't go near the water. Marty and Kay, and all you experienced travelers, we appreciate any help or insight we may obtain. Sometimes we are like my neighbor, "terrible" and might growl often.
  11. How is everyone?

    Thanks Kay.. we are all on a difficult path here ... for sure... Hugs! Polly- so sorry for your pain - what a lovely memory with your daughters! Love the pic ! This fit sharing...
  12. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Yes, for sure!!
  13. Marie, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time of it, June is my month (dad's bdy, parents' anv, George's bdy, George's death day -also on Father's day), it's hard when those dates pool up, hard to get through, but fortunately time has a way of going by even while hard to go through. Polly, It just goes to show no matter how well we think we're doing, it can hit at any time. Sorry! Nice picture, you and your daughters?
  14. Sean, We rationally understand that they are not there. Still, it hurts. it is part of this whole grief experience. We understand.
  15. Sean, It is beautifully done, a tribute to her, and it's neat that you will share a spot with her. I know it's not "her", but still the body she inhabited was familiar to you for so many years, it is special all the same.
  16. A true blessing! I wish I could find one!
  17. I like this quote, I can relate to it. Cookie, I do understand, the wasp sting I got 1 1/2 weeks ago was so bad...if I were closer to medical help I would have sought it, but instead chose to treat it myself...this is the first indication I had of being allergic to them and between that and my injuries from my fall 2 1/2 months ago, I am much more limited in what I can tackle around here. It does leave us feeling vulnerable and in need of their help, which of course isn't there anymore.
  18. Cookie, I could have penned what you wrote, only I don't get to see or talk to my daughter much either. I never would have foreseen that my life would turn out like this but it has.
  19. My father's ashes

    I would explain to them just what you've said. Honestly, settling an estate is a headache few would want and I would think they'd be appreciative of everything you've done. That said, they haven't done this, so they can't possibly understand how difficult and complicated it's all been. When my brother settled my mom's estate, he gave none of us an accounting of anything, not even an inkling. We never demanded it, we knew this had all been a thankless job that in addition to raising his family and working three jobs was very very difficult. We appreciated everything he'd done for my mom. Maybe there was something left over and he got it...he earned it. I do wish he'd seen fit to share an item or two with each of us to remember her by, but quite honestly, I've lived into my sixties without having these things and I can continue to do so...I have memories, they will have to suffice.
  20. Ms

    I'm sorry you're going through this, it has to be hard, especially after seeing him this long. I agree with Marty, that scattering his wife's ashes was a huge trigger. I hope he'll realize that he will always feel these feelings he has for her and that it needn't preclude his having another relationship. In time the two can learn to co-exist. My best friend lost her spouse 7 1/2 years ago and met someone else who had a similar time line 2 1/2 years ago and they got married, they are very happy together. They both realize they will always cherish their departed spouse, they keep a picture of them up and don't feel threatened by that but rather understand each other all the more with their loss and their newfound happiness. They've been married a couple of years now and are very happy so I know it can be done, so long as they both respect the prior relationship and realize the significance of not only that relationship, but their current one.
  21. Cookie, my response is the same as Sean's, not everyone has the same relationship even though they lost a spouse, their attachment was not like ours. Some lost a mediocre relationship, we lost our soulmate, big difference. And we read about others who have lost a parent or even a dog and they feel the same as we do because their relationship was so entwined on a daily basis, they were close, they did everything together. I know some of you can't relate to that, but I am thinking of actual losses I've seen people write about, and I assure you, that even though some of our relationships differ and we really can't compare, they can relate to some of the things we are feeling and saying. I know when I lose my dog the loss is going to be huge. I can't say it'd be the same as losing George, of course our relationship was deep on every level, including some you can't have with a dog, but I've come to enjoy and rely on my dog being in my life and filling a void that I'd otherwise have and to lose him on top of losing George, that would be hard to handle...yet I know it's around the corner, maybe in 2-3 more years, I hope not...but whenever it comes, I dread that day. Do you guys think about these things now that you've suffered loss, like I do? I used to just take life for granted and not consider when I might lose someone or lose an animal, but now it's like in the back of my mind, I can't take life for granted anymore, I know death is coming, I just don't know for sure when.
  22. It made me feel like just hanging it up and not coming on grief forums. I spend all this time there to HELP people and give them assurance, not depress them. I want them to know it doesn't stay as intense as in the beginning, I want them to know it evolves, I want them to realize it's not just doing time, we have to put in a lot of effort and work. I want them to know their life is in their hands, it's what they create of it. But to expect me to be "over it" or not feel the loss, even after 12 years, that's unrealistic, I will ALWAYS miss George, how could I not?! This was a new griever, whom I reckon was looking to be told they'd feel better in X amount of days and life would be great again. I won't lie to anyone.
  23. Healing

    I know it sounds morbid and I wouldn't tell most people this but I know you guys understand, it does feel like a prison sentence and I feel like each day I'm marking off another day I won't have to do. That doesn't mean that all days are bad or depressing, there are days I enjoy, I try to create my life in a way I can enjoy it, but the bigger pull is getting to be with George again and I can't wait! (Well I will but you know what I mean)
  24. My father's ashes

    I think maybe what I should do is create a spreadsheet with estimates that are fairly close to give them an idea of where the money went and tell them that if they need exact numbers to the penny I can do that but it will take awhile... I really want to be done with this, and probably they do as well
  25. Hi Marie, Kev's birthday and our Anniversary is on the same day. This would have been our 10th. It hit me hard. I took flowers to Rich's grave and told him Happy Anniversary and totally lost it. My older daughter was 2 hours away in Lancaster, Pa for a training class for work. She texted me that day and wanted me and my other daughter to come there. So we packed an overnight bag and hit the road. Yesterday we went to Kitchen Kettle Village and spent the day there. We even took a buggy ride later in the day. Worked out good because it was just the girls and I and the Amish women that drove the horses. We learnt so much about their way of life.
  26. Healing

    I mark the calendar at work every day and whisper, "One day closer to you Lori". It's sadly the only thing I have to look forward to anymore.
  27. Healing

    Hugs Mitch , I am not sure I will ever heal...and yes, Kay, nothing special about being alone... Love and prayers....thinking of everyone today....
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