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  1. 9 points
    Dear Patty, I don’t post here very often but I do read and I’m so sorry you are struggling with this lawsuit when all you really want to do is fulfill a dream you and Ron had. During times like this it is normal to just want to up and quit but from what I have read that is not you. When obstacles cross our path it is easy to just throw the towel in and walk away but it is more challenging to not. You have put your heart and soul into the business and are now struggling with things outside your control. Some people are heartless. Some people are cold and uncaring. Some people even get joy out of someone’s pain. These people are not who we waste our time with. This is their baggage that they have to carry around. I just know that you will fight a good fight and do your best and that is all your Ron wants you to do. You are doing the best you can and for that, you need to know that you are a success. Over the years I have learned that it is what I put into my life that counts not whether or not I appear successful to others. I have a daughter who reminds me often that she never lets a day go by without thinking of me. She tells me how she tries to be a good mother to my three beautiful grandbabies and when days seem to be the hardest she focuses on the words “I’m doing the best I can and that is all I can do.” You, dear Patty, are doing the best you can and no matter what the outcome is with your business know that what you do is enough. You know what is in your heart and your Ron knows, too. The people around you know how very hard you are trying and if they don’t that is about them and not about what you have accomplished or not. I cannot begin to know the sacrifices you are making but I know that what you are doing to keep your business open is coming from your heart. I cheer you on and send hugs to you. You have many people in your corner including that wonderful guy named Steve. Anne
  2. 8 points
    Wearing her sharks teeth for battle today. I know that what hurts the most is what this all represents. Ron, the dream, and his loss. But he's inside you this day Patty. Feel his strength and love. We are all with you.
  3. 7 points
    Hi everyone I have not been on here for months I have not forgotten be this site and all the wonderful people who helped me in my darkest days, I have been trying to find my way . Kevin will be gone a year in May never thought I could say that without crying but I can now somehow I have realized my life will go on with or without Kevin whether I want it to or not, I have accepted him being gone now, I noticed the saddness is gone for the most part I have not really lost it in months I do still feel lonely sometimes but it doesn't consume me anymore I guess I have just learned to live life again hope everyone is OK and my heart is always with you guys
  4. 7 points
    And then there's the people that make themselves feel like they're helping you by saying - let me know if you need my help with anything. Then you need something and find out they meant only if it's something they want to do and only if it's convenient - which nothing you need ever seems to fit those criteria with anybody. So you feel even more lonely, because you thought people cared enough to understand and lend a hand - but it was only words. I quit asking, or answering when they ask if there's anything. I'll figure it out. Gotta do it alone anyway, might as well accept that and dig in. We never did depend on other people. I thought I would need to now, but it was embarrassing to ask, when turned down over and over. Feels like being in a sort of a time warp or something. Nothing is real and people are just manikins. PS: Sorry to unload, but I'm in a pretty bad mood tonight, and this subject happens to be part of the reason. So just needed to vent, I guess.
  5. 7 points
    me-alone, You joined here all those years ago but didn't post? I'm sorry, I wish you'd reached out all those years ago, I can't imagine not having this place to go through it with, I've been here nearly 12 years. I am so sorry for your loss, it is something people can't begin to understand unless they've been through it too. I think when people say it gets better they're remembering the horrid shock of the day we lost them...nothing seems as horrific as that...and considering the adjusting we've done. In time we don't cry as much, we're not as shocked about it, there is instead a day in and day out missing them and learning to live alone and make all of the decisions. Getting used to holidays alone, no one to talk over your day with, no one to make sure you got home safely, no one whose eyes light up at the dinner you made, no one to cuddle with, etc. That part goes on and on the rest of our lives. But no way do I think today is as bad as that first year, there aren't even words for that. I guess it's all in how you look at it. But then I have done a lot of grief work and that is totally essential for processing my grief and for my own personal adjustment. I saw a grief counselor, I've read books, articles, read and posted here on a daily basis, done art therapy, wrote letters to George, talk to him, have done things to memorialize him, and started a grief support group. I have been an active participant in my healing process. 40 years is a long time. I wish I'd had even half that long, but whatever time we get is never long enough when we have a wonderful relationship with the love of our life, our soul mate. I felt gypped that I didn't get longer, but now instead of resenting the time I didn't get, I cherish what we did get to share and it sustains me for the rest of my life. No one could top George in my heart and mind, not even come close. I haven't tried a dating site for many reasons, first because I seriously doubt I'd find someone I click with like I did my George, I don't particularly like dating, and I'm not convinced they're that safe...they're for someone else, not me.
  6. 7 points
    Oh my heart reaches out to you both! Your loss is still yet so new! My wife chose suicide December 25, 2003 so has been quite a long time. I remember it taking a very very long time for me before I felt like I could exhale (breathe again.) There are no rules, right or wrong ways of grieving. It matters not what others say or think, how you should feel or not, for it is not their journey, it is not their loss. However long it takes till you feel you can exhale (breathe again) is alright for that is the time you need. What I can share about my journey is that what helped me most was to not sit alone with my pain and become isolated. For when I did it seemed to magnify my pain and my loss and seemed like I was carrying Mt. Everest on my shoulders. When I reached out and shared my pain, my experience it seemed to lessen the weight of Mt. Everest on my shoulders. It helped me feel less alone with it. I shared a great deal here on these discussion forums during the acute time of my journey through grief and for me it was a life saver! One tool for me that really helped was my painting and my writing during the times I was not participating here. It gave me an outlet to express my pain. The painting in particular for me was helpful in those times when words just could not seem to come out of me, but they sure came out in my paintings. I think of the ocean when I am grieving and I imagine the waves and when it is storming the waves are huge and seem to come out nowhere in the gusts of wind unexpectedly, the waves are not so huge in calmer weather and sometimes there are none at all. And one thing I keep in mind is that all waves eventually reach shore and dissipate. Keep hydrated, try to get plenty of rest, and nourish your body as you can. For it is like going into battle this journey of grief and you will need the strongest suit of armor you can muster. For me now I feel only warmth, and loved when I think on my Melissa. The reason I came back here again I talk about in the Anticipatory Grief discussion. I can assure you this is a safe place and I encourage you. Blessings, Carol Ann
  7. 7 points
    I'm new to this page today and really appreciate what everyone is sharing. The loneliness is unlike anything I've ever known. I lost my beautiful husband suddenly and unexpectedly when he died in his sleep Christmas night. So, I'm approaching 4 months and the loneliness seems to be getting more intense. Like many of you, I am blessed to have people around who want to support me, but what I really miss is just being alone together with him. I didn't even really realize how much that was a thing, but I sure miss it. Often we'd go long stretches of an evening speaking only rarely as we each went about our own activities, but I never realized how "together" that time really was.
  8. 7 points
    That's the same way I felt, Kayc. Cody and I were often, looked at as - I don't know - something 'less' maybe...by some people we know and some family for keeping as many animals as we could take care of. For being who we are and loving living things to the point of sacrificing a few finer things for ourselves to help a few creatures that would otherwise be depressed, sick and lonely. There are many people in my life that really mean to be helpful - they just don't care about life the way I do. I had a couple of friends that I see occasionally, call me the day he died and sympathetically offered their help to me - not 'anything you need' or 'I'm here, call anytime', but offering that they'd be happy, when I'm ready, to come and go through his things for me so I wouldn't have to do that. Huh...? Neither of them ever lost a spouse...I know they thought that would be a kind thing to do. They just don't get it. Others say 'move to an apartment right away.' Not going to happen, cause I'm not ready - still have most of his things sitting right where they were the last time he used them. Then others say firmly - 'let me know what you need...I don't know what you need unless you tell me what you need.' Well, I don't know what I need either.... Then others say get 'rid' of some animals. I guess people who don't know what it is all about to lose your soul mate - think that's what they need to do - to step in to 'help' you 'fix' your life now because you don't have a partner to work with on it. That makes you feel even more lonely. I like Marg's thought that - they don't know, but one day will - so I can feel sorry for them and go on. The non-animal people will always be that way tho'. Even those who have one or 2 special pets that they treat as family - often don't understand where our hearts have been with helpless animals that awful people throw away. I'm staying the course. It's not easy, but was actually harder while he was alive, needing my help himself - for me to take care of the animals then than what it is now. I made it through that, I will be here for and with these that are left. 3 are large and old dogs that are all going blind (usually happens as dogs age - cataracts), and I don't think moving them from their familiar surroundings would be fair - most definitely not sending them to live with anyone other than me.
  9. 7 points
    I'm stuck in a loop. And learning nothing as Bill Murray did in the movie. Every day is the same over and over again. That is not news. What is is thinking about why. There are no variables anymore. Living with someone brings things in because of them. On our own we can get stuck in a new routine. We know the things that will disrupt it are now from the outside and mostly things we have to deal with alone. Mine is ltechnology. Computers, phones, wifi drive me bonkers. It's not that I can't do them, I don't want to. I want to tell Steve, who loved that stuff, and let him be the hero. I was perfectly happy in my ignorant bliss. Now I know more than I ever wanted. But it did hit me today why I am so down and sad from the moment I wake up. I know it is another day that he won't be here with some idea, thought, playing his music or doing his Sunday thing of BBQ'ing. Just knowing there will be no deviation in anything for yet another day and that will continue tomorrow and the next make that getting up so very hard. I've made changes in my night routine but can never forget the old one when he was here that was so very comfortable. I got this iPad he always wanted me to try, but had no time for. I was too busy to give up time with him or books for it. It's a lousy substitute. It doesn't make up songs or kiss me in the cheek. A cold appendage to replace his warm arms.
  10. 7 points
    Someone quite close to me shared her perspective about our lives and the lessons we are supposed to learn. I am slowly coming to understand that concept and while I felt for years that life was standing still I just knew there had to be a reason that Kathy died so young and left me behind. Keep in mind that "Phil" didn't learn lessons right away in the movie but after enough time he did. A love as deep as we have all shared cannot be for nothing. Love that important has to have a meaning, a purpose, and yes perhaps a lesson. Hard as it is to keep faith I think it is what we must do. Perhaps we have already learned something. We have begun to do tasks only they could do when we were a couple. One day we might realize how proud they are of us. I sure hope so anyway.
  11. 7 points
    Patty, dear Patty, I promise you with everything that's in me that we are with you all the way!
  12. 7 points
    One thing I have learned in my 61 years are there are no answers to these questions that haunt us. I cannot imagine at your age being faced with what older couples come to expect will happen as they age. It is clear your love and commitment were firmly in place and having that ripped away would crush anyone. I feel it is a normal phase to have to struggle with these questions no matter when we. Lose that someone. I wish that wasn't so, but everyone here does. It's one of the hardest parts of this journey we didn't want to be on. All I can say is beware of people on the outside invalidating your grief because you ARE young. It's as valid and deep and in your case something they really cannot fathom as this is a time of viewing life as a beginning, not an end. So few have any experience with deep loss at this time in your life. I'm sorry you will have that extra loneliness in that. 💔
  13. 7 points
    While it seems as if everyone else is enjoying life (especially those who post on Facebook!) we're wise to remember that everyone has a story, and very few of us get through life without a struggle. I think Facebook is the last place to measure what someone else's life is really like ~ most especially when we're drowning in grief and feeling so alone.
  14. 7 points
    Yes, these thoughts recur with me from time to time as well. I think, " maybe I could of done something... or not done something. " I am coming to terms that my heart is working on "accepting" the death of my beloved wife, Rose Anne. I know it intellectually, physically, practically but my heart is taking its own time and journey to accept. Grief is painful and overwhelming. Thankfully, the intensity of grief lessens after a time and I remember I felt this feeling before and survived it. For me, it is my heart working this grief out. If we could we would all turn back the clock and just freeze the best day we had with our beloved and relive the "GROUND HOG DAY" eternally but life doesn't work that way here. So, we continue on our grief journey, helping and supporting each other as we truly understand this level of grief. If you are able, try to be as kind to yourself as you are with others here.. We all give you virtual hugs. - Shalom, George
  15. 7 points
    My grandma used to say, "if our foresight were as good as our hindsight, we'd be better off by a damn sight"
  16. 7 points
    You and me both about being angry, Marg. Death crushed hope in my world. I hate being alone. My anger at Steve has passed, but there is a rage inside I don't know where to focus it on. The derailment of my life tho I knew this couldn't last forever? That I can't find meaning after 2 years? That I am getting older and worry how I will handle it by myself? That I wake up everyday wondering why? I don't feel Steve listening either. He is gone. I had 5 years to get prepared, but you really can't. A childhood friend told me last night my new mantra is.....this is it. This is the reality. We were independent people together, but he was the only 'egg in my basket'. So the things I still do feel meaningless and those are all I have. She said I had the embrace the emptiness to find a way back to a life. I agree, but it's a damned hard road.
  17. 6 points
    Darrell, What you share is common and I notice that it happens to me from time to time. I just passed twenty two months and find myself in deep reflective thought. I still cry, have grief bursts, and my heart aches for my beloved. This month it seems to be deeper, more subtle, and private. I find my moods also affected, by sleep, food, exercise, work, interactions, and just the daily singular frustrations of life. disappointments, reducing income, hostile people, and losing hope for a newly rediscovered passion. Life continues to march on but it seems more challenging and I seemed to have lost my rudder and guide. I know this is a temporary setback but it FEELS bad. I do have hope for tomorrow for we are promised new grace every morning. "It rains on both the just and the unjust" ... common grace... - Shalom
  18. 6 points
    I probably have mentioned this before. (What part of my life have I not mentioned other than I weighed over 8 pounds at birth). Okay, that is out of the way. The funeral director (owner of the funeral home that Billy went to) was a little old man that had a smile painted on his little old face. Constant. Not a happy smile, just a painted on smile. I considered how hard that must have been, but I know he was at least 12 years older than I am, so I can call him old. I learned he had just lost his wife of 66 years and he was at her graveside every day. I hurt. I say how much I hurt. I have gotten to where I get my groceries, head hung down, and my sister had to come up to me and grab me. I don't see anyone. I have grief, I have anger, I have despair, I have lost an ability I once had to smile at everyone, to look people in the eyes and smile. It's okay if they don't smile back. Yet, here is this little old man that has lost as much as I have and his mouth is trained to raise itself into a smile. Sometimes I feel like if someone makes me angry I might hit them. But yet he smiles. He has been dealing with death probably over 66 years. Still he smiles. But, his eyes didn't smile. In Brookshires the checker told me "your the cutest thing" just off the cuff, she said that. I had not been told that in over 18 months. Billy used to say that. I wanted to cry. I quit wearing makeup when Billy left. I have gained weight and as long as I have stretchy pants and my shirt does not sit on my hips I am comfortable. Maybe I need to learn how to live again. So see, some people may bring us down to the floor, but maybe if I look up and smile, maybe my day might brighten. Still, that part of me is saying, I don't want to smile.
  19. 6 points
    Oh, Maynard, I am just weeping reading about your experience. What a beautiful and loving gift you gave him in telling him you would be okay and giving him your blessing (so to speak) to go on to whatever is next for him. Such courage and love for you both. In our case, his was a sudden death, no illness, no warning whatsoever. It helps me to know that even with months of knowing what was coming, you were still unprepared. I agree - I just don't think you can prepare.
  20. 6 points
    Maynard, I, too, sometimes imagine my husband off doing something really wonderful and I also take comfort in that. I've been trying to use a mantra "I choose love over loss" every day. Not that the loss isn't there, of course, but I try to use his love as a legacy for remembering to look for the love in my current life and in my choices. Most days (if I remember) I try to give him a report and tell him 5 ways I chose love today. It sounds corny, but it does help me sometimes. I was with my husband 23 years - I truly thought we'd have at least 23 more. To me it's kind of an identity vertigo that I'm experiencing. Even when we weren't together in the course of a day, we always knew where the other was and what they were doing. It's so profoundly disorienting to not have that anymore, or to have it be so different at least. It's almost literally dizzying.
  21. 6 points
    Maynard. Love all your thoughts. We have three dogs and a cat. One very old dog hanging on. Looks terrible...bag of bones, eats a ton, definitely probably the big "C". BUT she appears happy and painfree so far. She is a rescue we have had for 13 years so dont know her age. She is terrified of vets so our vet has given us some medication to relax her and then they will come to our house to help her over the rainbow bridge...but for now she is happy. She is like the energizer bunny keeps on going. They all "help" me get up in the morning. BUT I can sure relate to your loneliness also. 4.5 months for me, 53 years together.
  22. 6 points
    I was appalled that people would tell you to begin thinning out your animals! They're family, they're living creatures, what did they think you should do with them?! Of course it's probably wise not to take on new ones if you're having a difficult time (or financially) taking care of the ones you have, but we don't just get rid of our animals! How upsetting that would be to them! I like how you think, you all are my kind of people!
  23. 6 points
    And that is our daily life, all of ours, no matter how long or how short. We just learn to live each day where ever we are, and we know that no one else feels this pain but us. We all suffer, we all hurt, none worse, none better.. And we learn to live with people that have no empathy, but sadly, we know one day they will understand also. Sometimes our hurt escapes and others see it too. Don't let them make you despondent because you know a secret that they will have to find out for themselves. And they will, and they will understand your hurt. Until then, you understand and the rest do not matter. Come here often. We understand.
  24. 6 points
    I'm finally beginning seeing signs of Michael around me. I've been waiting, but I think I needed my spirit to calm a bit before I could see them. Not often and just little things mostly, but one that strikes me the most was last weekend. I was dreading the weekend being a holiday and Michael has only been gone for 6 weeks (it will be 7 weeks this Friday). I was sitting outside on my lanai by the pool alone when I heard the softest sound. It was a young male cardinal just sitting on our bird bath and staring at me. When I looked at it, it tweeted again as if to say, "Hi!" I've read that cardinals are considered a visitor from Heaven so I spoke back to it in response, "Hey Baby! I love you!" It never stopped looking at me and then flew toward the lanai and landed right outside the door. It tweeted again and I said HI again. We had a short "conversation" with me confessing to missing him. For the longest time, it just sat there singing to me every time I spoke to him. I took it as a visit from Michael and made me smile. I have since seen it in my trees and bushes around my house. I hope it sticks around for a long time! :-)
  25. 6 points
    We have pets. We took in rescue animals and as many as we could care for at one time and gave them forever homes 'til their lives ended - making room for a home for another homeless animal. The ones we have now are very old - all except for one, but my husband was very sick for a long time and as he weakened, caring for the animals became more and more my job. We realized we had more than we could care for, but chose to stick it out and just not take in anymore. It was very, very hard for me to care for him, our home, yard and the pets, while working full time during the last year that he was just getting worse and worse. We were looking into moving to an apartment and even had considered having the old dogs put to sleep, so our lives (mostly mine) could be more bearable. But now, even tho' the pets take up most of my time, it is not as hard as it was. They give me comfort because he loved them and they loved him. And they seem extra thankful now that he's gone that I'm still here with them. That is something good. I don't expect most of them to live more than a year or two, but will continue to care for them 'til then. That's just the way we are (were). Some people have told me to start 'thinning out' the pets. I won't do that - can't handle more loss right now. Besides - those 'some people' have no idea what they're talking about. I've been given a lot of 'advice' by people who want to 'tell' me what I should do while all at the same time, not willing to lift a finger to actually help me with anything. Guess, as I'm learning to try to connect to other people - I can clearly see those that it would be better to steer clear of or eliminate from my world all together. I like your comment, kayc, that 'we have to do what feels comfortable to us and balancing between pushing beyond our comfort zone and giving ourselves time to get through this in a way that is right for us'. That's good grounding to remember. I never did let other people's ideas about what I should do matter much - I think that's a part of me I just found I still have and can keep. Thank you, kayc
  26. 6 points
    Thank you for your words, everyone. The outpouring of understanding and caring here is almost overwhelming. I didn't expect such connection so quickly. Everyone so far is in the same world I'm in - no matter the length of time. I don't feel so alone anymore. Thank you. I'll always be alone without him here with me, but all of you are filling that other void of having no one who understands me. I have dear friends who love and care about me. They've been by my side almost constantly since a few days before he passed. They have been a true blessing - making sure I eat. Calling and checking on me. Getting me out of the house. Even having me spend the night at their house a few times when I couldn't bare to sleep alone in my home. They haven't lost someone this close to them, but they understand that I feel like I feel even if they can't relate - and walk through it with me. They are starting to loosen the connection somewhat - I know they need to get on with their life, but still stay close as possible to me. And I need to venture out on my own to stumble, fall and learn this new world. Taking it slow - most of the time I don't want to even see the 'new world', but occasionally I think about it or try a small change. Coming here is filling a void for me. Not the void of him not being here - nothing will ever fill that one, but the void of connecting with people who know something about me that no one else does - like he did - is comforting. Not that he ever had to understand these feelings about me...but just being understood is something. He always understood me, even when nothing made sense. He always knew just what to say or do. He loved me unconditionally. In a way I feel a resemblance to that here...Thank you
  27. 6 points
    I've been reading all the post and comments you all have been writing lately and realized that this pain is a forever type of thing. We all seem to have some tolerable days but then there are the days that seem almost unbearable. I'm so sorry we all are suffering. This pain is so damaging and sometimes I try to overlook it....and sometimes it works. I was thinking of how when my fiance passed away I thought surly the world would stop or there would be some type of end of the world situation. I also remember thinking that I would wake up and it would all just be a bad dream or I would immediately go back in time to where we were happy and everything was well. I still have those moments of "magical thinking" and I know I can't be alone in this. This life is heartbreaking for us all and I realized that it doesn't matter how long any of us spend with our partners, how many years we had under our belts....no amount of time could or would have ever been enough. I pray for us all....for strength and for peace.....anything that will get us through the rest of our time here.....
  28. 6 points
    Just had a major meltdown. Maybe because it's Easter, I'm not 100% sure. I just know that this life without Tammy is virtually impossible to bear. It's not just the loneliness. Or the emptiness. Or the drudgery of one day of sameness followed by another day that feels just as meaningless as the day before. I mean, I could be surrounded by people 24/7, have millions of dollars. but, that wouldn't do a thing for me. The only thing I've ever wanted was Tammy. I was "incomplete" before I met her and she made me whole. Made me feel like each day was worth living. She gave me purpose, gave me love. She made me feel like I belonged... And where I belong is with my Tammy. Without her, I'm hopelessly lost, wandering aimlessly through life and wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do. There are days I feel clueless. I often don't even know what I want to eat. I live this life knowing that the person that made my life worth living is gone. Yes, Tammy's with me for always in my heart and soul but I need her here to love on and to laugh with and to share our life together again. Recently I've had a ton of things that have stressed me out, financially and emotionally. Had to remove all the trees and shrubs in my front yard which is now 50% grass and 50% dirt. Had to pay for a new roof. Dealt with a rodent infestation. It's just too much, it's overwhelming and alone it's almost too much to handle. Yesterday I took on another project... fixing all the window screens at my house. Figured I could save some money. And for the most part it went well but there was a few moments of cussing when something went wrong. I just needed Tammy there to talk to. To vent to. My tolerance for frustration seems to be at an all time low. When I went to remove the two kitchen window screens and realized a handyman (who did some work for me a while back) had caulked and sealed them to the window sill, I exploded. Why would someone do that? Arrgggg... I am trying. I'm not just laying around 24/7 and crying (although I have my moments, for sure). It's just that I keep thinking "why am I doing all this?". A few days ago, in frustration, I yelled out "OK, I give up"... "you win". The ""you" being God I guess or just this new life in general. This life feels so confusing at times. I feel like that hamster on that spinning wheel. I do accomplish things yet it mostly feels like I've really done nothing. I miss my sweet Tammy and the life we shared. I know the hurt of losing her will never fade. Hopefully, I can find a way to motivate myself and continue to make her proud of me. It is so hard. Mitch
  29. 6 points
    Mike's Girl, When my wife Tammy died suddenly on March 6th 2015, I didn't think I could go on. She was, after all, my whole life, my world. In an instant, my world felt like a cold, empty place of nothingness. Well, nothing but sadness. As others have said, all you can do is live in the moment and take things one step at a time. Often, those steps go backwards. It's just the way this new life is. You're only a month into grieving the man you loved. This is a process. A learning experience in many ways. When I was early in my grief, I had no idea how I was going to live without my Tammy. Somehow you find a way. I mean, life will never be the same (it couldn't be) but we really only have one choice as survivors and that's to try to live our life the best we can. One thing a member here told me a very long time ago gave me the "oomph" I needed to change my mindset a bit. They told me that, I was no longer the Mitch I was before I met Tammy. That I was now a combination of the two of us. And that resonated with me. Tammy will always live on as a part of me, heart and soul. This kind of loss is as difficult as anything any of us will ever handle. We lost someone who loved us like no other. Who we loved more than life itself. We lost our best friend. Truth is, when they died, our world came to an abrupt and grinding halt. It will take time and effort to find your way. I know right now everything seems so gray and bleak. You're lost. All you want is to rewind the clock and go back in time to be with him. That's all very normal. It is a monumental loss. I found it really helped me to post here. I knew others would understand my loss. It's just about the only place I found that actually gave me some comfort when I was near the brink of simply giving up. Mitch
  30. 6 points
    We are counter-suing though! We will find out tomorrow if there is any hope for any of our arguments. I have spent over a year now, with an anger at one thing "hospice" -- unjustified, of course such an important place for the world, but for me it represented everything that is death, Ron's death. But I've just looked at that feeling, and let it be. My therapist told me it will take time for that trauma of it all to heal with time and the anger dissipate. But there is now a relationship with Ron's death, anger, and the landlords. Their negligence held us up from opening up the store for 9 months, his last year of life, all our money invested in this place and unable to open. We went through every penny of our investment money to survive, with nothing left to open the store, so we went to the ReStore and bought used counters and Ron built them from remnants just to open up. Ron and I worked so hard, every single day, to try to hold on, to the point where he would not take his herbal medicines that had saved him before and gotten him clean PET scans, because they would make him sleepy and he would not be able to work as hard. We had to work so hard because we only had a small portion of our wholesale business while we could not open the retail store for so long. I do not do anger well, I do not know how, and it comes out in bursts of overwhelm. I have trouble controlling what I say. It's intensity is new to me. That is the scary part about it. I am afraid of the rage I could feel confronting this situation in court tomorrow. It is not rational to blame the landlords for Ron's death, I know I don't REALLY blame them, but it was part of the equation, or at least in my mixed up fearful mind it is. I will find a way to show up. And hopefully keep my mouth zipped closed and let the attorneys do the talking. While Steve is back home now, I know he will be with me in spirit. I hope you all will be too. I know with certainty Ron will be. Patty
  31. 6 points
    Dear AB, I am not sure where I fall in the age range of the forum...I just turned 55. I don't feel like a young widow, but like you I did not have the number of years with Mark so many of our posters had with their spouses. Mark and I met in our 40's...first marriage for the both of us. We had learned what we did and did not want in a relationship; we were both very cautious at first. But it was an almost immediate feeling that we REALLY clicked. Both of us had been waiting our lives to find that one person who "got us". We did not quite make it to our sixth anniversary. We had made all our plans and decisions on being together for a LONG time. We kind of knew that we wouldn't celebrate a golden anniversary. Now that he is gone, I don't think much about the future. Just like George said, I don't think my heart could handle thinking about the coming years without Mark. I am coming up on 28 months he has been gone. There are many times that it feels like no time has passed at all; but then I wonder what has happened to the last 28 months? I read some of the articles and books written by young widows; most times they have children to take care of...I have our three dogs. I can't lose my life in them. I am sure you have had your share of people trying to encourage you to love someone else because of your young age. Of course I wish I would have had more time with Mark; he brought so much sunshine to my life...but it is a waste of energy to wish for something I cannot change. I think that is where some of my anger comes from...wanting something that I CAN'T have. I try not to think about it too much....but there are days it rears its TRULY UGLY head and it takes all my strength to work through it. All you can do, AB, is feel your feelings and stay in the present. You have many people here that can relate to your struggle.
  32. 6 points
    AB3, The shear shock and awe you feel is quite normal for those of us who grieve. You are still new to all of this. I couldn't imagine living one day without my beloved wife, Rose Anne. We didn't meet until we were almost 33years old. Neither of us were in a serious relationship before. Your feelings are quite common although it has happened to you earlier in life. I would get really messed up emotionally when I tried to thing ahead of days and years without Rose Anne. All I can manage is this moment right now. I have a friend fiancee die in her arms when she was just twenty years old. I asked her how did she cope with it and she said, initially she just mourned, cried, and grieved. It takes time. Even now, I just focus on today, if I thing about 1month, 1 yr, or ten years from now I will dissolve into a puddle of tears and grief. Although we may experience grief at different ages, we still experience the grief and understand your pain. I give those most painful aspects to Jesus because I cannot handle it myself. I trust in my creator to supply all of my needs. I pray you will find what you need to help you through this grief journey. Many people here love you, support you, and lift you up. This group was here for me in my deepest darkest hour and helped me understand what this grief is and the tools to cope with life afterwards. There is a hope in the future beyond this level of grief because it is so hard to see. Hang in and hold on. ( I was surprised by it"). Feelings are real but they are not always facts. The hardest part of this journey is to feel the feelings that we just want to run away from. Please, keep sharing your thoughts and feelings here. It is what helped me when I was at your place in my early grief. - Shalom, George
  33. 6 points
    Marge, I am afraid of living, also. I know that I do not have too many years left to suffer, but they sure are hard. Alone. For some reason, my kids do not seem that concerned about how I am doing. I really try VERY hard to not bother them too much. I was so sure that one of them would come over today to help with the basement. Maybe that is the problem. I always give the impression that I am doing ok. I put the dehumidifier on and a fan. That is it for today. Now I am leaving to visit a cancer patient friend in a nursing home. Might as well do something worthwhile. Maybe tomorrow.
  34. 6 points
    AB3, I hear what you're saying about wanting more time with your beloved. We all wanted that. Really, it doesn't matter if you had two years, five years, fifteen years, twenty five years,... hell, even 50 years together. It's never long enough when the love is deep and the connection is so right. I met Tammy when she was 30. I was 44. Thought we would be together forever but forever was less than 16 years. The pain of what will never be still hurts. Yet, how blessed I was to have someone love me so unconditionally. The life we had together was truly a love story for the ages. You mentioned being envious of others who had more time with their soul mate. I get that but none of us should really compare our loses or amount of years spent together. It just doesn't help in any way. Every relationship and love was unique and everyone's grief is their own. It's interesting about the age thing you talked about. You're young and I know you're wondering "how can I live my life for all these years ahead without him?". That's not an easy thing at all. In my situation, I didn't meet Tammy until I was in my mid-forties. And it wasn't until June 2014 that daughter Katie moved out of the house and I thought "finally, Tammy and I have the house to ourselves... oh yeah!!". How sweet it was. Less than a year later, Tammy died. Now I'm alone and soon to be a 62 year old man who wonders where the rest of my life will take me. It can be frightening. None of us (young or old) have it easy in any way, shape or form. Hugs, Mitch
  35. 6 points
    Thinking and praying for our dear Kay as she has her eye surgery today. Let us know when you are able that you are back home and beginning to heal, Kay.
  36. 6 points
    "Acceptance sounds like a passive stance, but it's become the hardest work of my life." Written by a woman who died of ALS days later.
  37. 5 points
    I'm so sorry for your loss, DanyGreen. It will be 4 months tomorrow for me. My husband died in his sleep Christmas night - just didn't wake up. He had an undiagnosed heart condition, so we had no warning at all; he appeared perfectly healthy. It still leaves me breathless just to write it. Our daughters are 11 and 14. They are both in counseling also and are handling it SO differently that literally the only thing they have in common about it is that they both lost their dad. I know it feels like forever in some ways, but I think 5 weeks is virtually nothing in the life span of this kind of loss. It is overwhelming to consider that we are just at the beginning of this process, but we really are. Of course I don't know your son or you, but it sounds very normal to be struggling still, struggling hard. I'm finding it overwhelming to figure out how to parent through this - how could it feel otherwise really? I know my kids are in deep water, but so am I. And I worry all the time about whether I'm doing what I should be doing. Plus, just figuring out how to run a household and do the household work and parenting of 2 adults instead of 1, plus the finances, plus... At 4 months into this journey, I feel physically sick when I think back to the 5 week mark. So, that tells me that it has gotten some better since then! I don't know any of you, but I want to throw my arms around you and your children and hug you forever. It was that bad at 5 weeks. I wish I had something great to say that would bring you comfort, but I don't. I will just wish you peace and another step in front of the last one.
  38. 5 points
    Maynard, No need to delete or sugar coat what we write here unless it's offensive to someone else, we all have our hard days...I can't even remember what you wrote, but then I can't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday. You're fine here, it's a good place to vent!
  39. 5 points
    Well, I'm no where near 5 years yet - only 53 days. I can't imagine living with this loneliness for over 5 years, but realize that I probably will. My heart aches for you. I am left completely alone from human companionship, as it sounds like you pretty much are. When I try to keep some human contact in my life - it's always like just going through the motions. I know that the connection we had is not something I will find with other people, no matter what I do. But I feel like I have to keep reaching out, even when I don't get what I'm looking for - it's something - even just hearing a voice helps (sometimes I only hear them and never listen to what they are saying), then again in other times - being around other people magnifies my loneliness. I hope that you find some support and peace by coming back here. They have been very helpful to me. I want to share this little poem I wrote about what I think my husband wants. I felt very strongly about it at the time. Sometimes now, I don't feel that way - it's too painful. But it's on my heart to share it with you today, I hope it gives you some peace and encouragement to smile. I'm Free Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free. I'm following the path God laid for me. I took His hand when I heard Him call, and turned my back and left it all. I found that place at the break of day, and could not stay another day. I’m at home now, release me, let me go. I have so many things to see and do. I gave to you my love and you can only guess how much you gave to me in happiness. I thank you for the love you've shown, but now it's time I travel on alone. Be not burdened with times of sorrow. I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow. My life's been full, I've savored much. Good friends, good times, a love one's touch. So grieve for me awhile if grieve you must, then let your grief be comforted by trust. Though you cannot see or touch me, I'll be near - and if you listen with your heart, you'll hear All my love around you, soft and clear. Lift up your heart and smile with me...God wanted me now - He set me free.
  40. 5 points
    It's only been 1-1/2 months since my husband passed on. It seems like forever and it seems like only yesterday both at the same time. I'm going through the 'normal' grief processes. Trying to get around people when I can. We lived alone, so now I'm alone. We were happy just the 2 of us and only visited family / friends occasionally. Now, I'm trying to make sure I contact someone every day - even tho' I work full time - and get together with someone at least once a week. It's a complete new life style change on top of everything else. Even tho' I've made that an important change to make for my self-care - no one fills the emptiness. I feel like I'm trying to find a new life amidst family and friends (who I love dearly by the way) that seem like strangers now- because I'm a stranger to myself without him. From day to day - I don't know what hurts more - missing him - or missing who I knew I was when he was here - that person I can't find anymore. I hope I can find some support here. I've tried other groups online and get no responses to my posts. Really need someone to 'talk' to.
  41. 5 points
    Adele, I know. We were exactly the same way. Together without needing to speak or make great connections. Together in soul and spirit all the time. I believe that we are still together in soul and spirit - it's only my physical being that keeps me from being with him. I believe he can and is with me often. My husband was sick for a very long time. So long that we got used to knowing he would die from his disease, but adjusting to each new level of progression as 'the new way of life'. When his body finally began to die, we still didn't realize he was leaving for real this time - that he wouldn't have a turn around and get a little better again - or that we wouldn't be able to adjust our life to a new way of living for him. I had to tell him that I had made plans for finances if and when he died, that I would be OK and he didn't need to worry about me. The doctor told me I had to do that because it was past time for him to die and he was holding out for me. That was hard, but I did it. I had to tell him it was OK for him to go and that I'd be OK. I knew I wouldn't, but I knew I would be brave and do it for him - so he wouldn't have to suffer anymore. And he said with tears in his eyes - 'Well, it's been a hell of a ride!" and smiled - for me - then began the process of his body dying - quickly and in succession, each function began to fail, then finally completely failed - one at a time - until he finally stopped breathing in less than 4 days after that. Walking and struggling one day - bed ridden and dying the next. But - with all my knowing...with all my thinking I was prepared...the thought never once crossed my mind what it would be like to not have him here, to come home to any empty house that he would never be in again. That was something I did not think to prepare for. There is nothing like it. I don't think anyone could prepare for it. I love your last post! That is so comforting and healing. To 'Choose love over loss" and to ' use his love as a legacy for remembering to look for the love in my current life'. I don't think what you do, telling him 5 ways you choose love, is corny at all. The identity vertigo - that's the description of my experience too.
  42. 5 points
    Maynard, Welcome to our site. We're like a family here, seeing each other through it all. It really helps to be able to express yourself to those who understand and "get it". I love my family dearly but they haven't been through this so can't understand what I live with on a daily basis, and they aren't here in my everyday life. We mostly stay in contact by phone. I find the loneliness is hard, and I continue to miss him and love him just as much as the day he died, it's been nearly 12 years now. I get out almost every day (I'm retired but I volunteer) but it's not the same as having that person that cared about you more than anything in the world, we were number one to each other, soul mates through and through. Missing that person you talked over your day with and did everything together with, it's the hardest thing we can go through, and then there's the absence of touch. I've learned there is no right or wrong way to grieve, only "our way". We have to do what feels comfortable to us. We learn some balance between pushing beyond our comfort zone and giving ourselves time to get through this in a way that is right for us. I'm glad you have some supportive people in your life. All our friends disappeared when he died, but my sisters have been great even if they can't personally understand what they haven't been through. They care. So do my kids, but they're busy with their lives now more than ever. I've found my pets to be a great comfort to me, at least they're someone to talk to even if they can't reply!
  43. 5 points
    I'm so sorry that each of you is faced with so many of life's challenges, especially when the loss of your life partners is more than enough to bear. And Kay, I just have to add that my heart hurts for you as I learned of your daughter's situation. My younger son and his wife divorced some years ago, after 14 years of marriage, just after having adopted their precious twins from Ukraine. I was absolutely heartbroken ~ especially since his wife was (for me) the daughter I never had, and I loved her with all my heart. We all got through it in time, but it was so very painful for all of us, for so many years afterward. It's yet another kind of devastating loss, Kay, not only for your daughter, but as her mom, I know it breaks your heart to see your daughter in such pain ~ especially having just lost her baby / your precious grandchild. I'm so sorry
  44. 5 points
    I hate holidays now because of how good they once were. Talk about a twist in attitude. We didn't do anything special for Easter, but before I didn't care when I heard about others plans. Now I nod and smile only wishing we were dong our nothing special. Take away that half of yourself and you see just how all these holidays, celebrated or not, will never be the same. I could never handle going to anyone else's gatherings now. Tried it a couple of times and talk about feeling lonely in a crowd, no matter how much attention I got. Or maybe that was the problem. I'm not regular folk anymore. Even when people try and treat me that way it magnifies I am not. The only solution is one that is not possible......going back.
  45. 5 points
    AB3.....I agree. It is a huge price to pay, but I would not change a thing, except the end if I could.
  46. 5 points
    I can aknowledge the fact that I'm not where I was the first few week, the first month or even the second month....but no I'm not ok....and I know I never will be. I accepted that my fiance is never coming back...an aspect I struggled with in the beginning. I've been way out of my comfort zone and my life is completely unrecognizable. So much has changed since December, I started a new job, lost weight and lost my mind more than I can count on hands or toes but somehow I'm still here. I look at old pictures of us and sometimes it seems like two people I never met....that woman in the picture is not me and I am not her. I know somewhere out there we existed, we were madly in love and I didn't make it all up in my head but sometimes it's just hard to believe that was my life. I've grown so much more independent since then and I feel like I've aged tremendously. I still wander around like a robot but I don't think that will ever change. I miss my old life and I don't think that will ever change either but I'm still here. Ive accepted that there is no turning back....that is not allowed. I miss my fiance every day every sec and every moment with every breath I take but what can I do....I can't bring him back. If you told me a year ago that this would be how my life ended up I would never believe it but I'm proud of myself for keeping on pushing on and I'm proud of us all. We have all been through so much...it's not fair...life is not fair but it never said it would be. I'm having a tolerable day today and I wanted to share that with you all, especially those of you who aren't. Things won't always be so grim....you will have days like thesel where it won't be so painful to breathe. Just know I'm praying for us all.....
  47. 5 points
    Questions?? Yes, Gwen, the way we used to be is gone. I know that losing my beloved Jim changed me. I am not the same ~ how could I be? The last time I was looking in my mirror I asked the same question ~ who are you? I stayed there saying over and over again "I don't know who you are!" We start at the beginning ~ and that's a very good thing to do. Gradually, I started to see a new me. It will never be the same and to me, I believe that is only one step in my healing. I will never be able to do some things that Jim and I did together. How could I? I am not the same person nor are you. It is one of the hardest things for me to adjust to and that is my sharing with Jim will never be the same. I have learned to accept that. I am slowly finding new things to do solo and at the same time, I share those things with my Jim. I happen to believe that he does hear me ~ call me crazy! Most of us live a very mundane life. We are not making headline news nor are we even admired in the eyes of ordinary people. As grievers, I believe that each one of us lose a part of who we used to be. It does not mean that we have to crawl into a deep hole and stay there. The choice is ours and whatever we decide is the "new me." I have been in the bottom of many deep holes but have always looked up and found someone at the top just sitting there not saying a word ~ letting me know that I am not alone. Coming to this forum proves to me that we are never alone. There is always someone sitting with us. This is a quote from a friend of mine ~ she lost a child but any loss takes one's breath away. Hug to you, dear friend. Anne
  48. 5 points
    She sings when she cooks. That is when she is the happiest. Alfredo sauce............to die for. Trust me on that. I thought I died and went to heaven.
  49. 5 points
    Patty, you truly have my admiration for finding the strength to handle this, no matter how you do it.
  50. 5 points
    AB, I am an "older widow" and it does not dull the agony, but because I am older (Marty, I'm not saying the ugly word "old"), I have many friends who crossed this path long before I did. One of them is not really speaking to me right now because I would not do the "GriefShare" course. She might be peeved at me because she thinks I am not trying to help myself. I came away from the meetings more depressed than ever. I tried 2 or 3, cannot remember. I did the same with the cancer group, I could not handle it, but group therapy in psychiatry was handled okay. I Just read the first note written in Hope and Healing at Camp Widow that Marty referred to. At age 27, I did not know any widows my age and I know I would have felt like I was in a tiny lifeboat in the middle of the ocean with no help. These are women you can relate to. You cannot relate to me, although you know we suffer from the same pain. I could/and do write my word salads all day and they would not reach you at all. My friends are nearly all widows, so I have a neighborhood of women who relate to my pain. You don't, except for some on here. Being "penpals" with women your age, reading their feelings, I really think you could relate to them. But don't leave us either. Even being so much older, I feel your pain. I think we have some young people on this forum that might not join in much, but those sites that Marty told you to go to, they might be your "saving grace." At least you would have more in common and you can relate to them more. I do not like to see so many young widows or widowers, in fact, I don't like seeing so many older either.