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  1. 9 points
    Today I was cleaning in the living room and there was the box that we had found in his closet the other day that he had written on, Do not open. He had it written all around the box. I had never seen it before. I thought to myself would it be disrespectful to open it now? Curiousity got the the better of my daughter and me so we opened it. It contained letters written from his parents , his brother in service, his discharge and other things that I had not seen before. There was nothing he would not have wanted me to see so I quess he was just being silly. When I went to put it away, I saw his briefcase and two fireproof boxes that I had forgotten, I went through them and it was like a review of our lives together. I tortured myself by reading everyword of everything in it. Where we bought our first house ,where we sold it, where we bought another, things like that . He had 5 two dollar bills and a one dollar bill from 1957 that was a silver certificate. And then I found an old bilfold that he had carried at one time. It had pictures of me and our kids when they were small, a small official picture made when he joined the airforce and two poems that he had saved from high school days. I had seen them before but Oh today, they had such meaning. I am going to put them here so you will know what I mean. Under the wide and starry sky, Dig the grave and let me lie. Glad did I live and gladly die, And I laid me down with a will. This be the verse you grave for me, Here he lies where he long'd to be; Home is the sailor, Home from the sea, And the hunter home from the hill. And the other one Sunset and evening star, And one clear call for me! And may there be no moaning of the bar, When I put out to sea. Such a tide as moving seems asleep, Too full for sound and foam, When that which drew from out the boundless sea Turns again home. Twilight and evening bell And after that the dark! And may there be no sadness of farewell When I embark: For, though from out Our bourne of time and place The flood may bear me far, I hope to see my Pilot face to face When I have crost the bar. He carried these two poems from the time he was 17, moving them each time he bought a new bilfold. Now he has seen his Pilot face to face, but there is much moaning or rather mourning at the bar. To really understand the poems you can look them up and find the meanings.
  2. 9 points
    I'm not seeing a counselor right now as it was becoming too stressful for me. I was working too hard at dealing with my grief, it was taking a lot of time and driving as I was also doing some mental health programs at the same time. I'm really tired of the stress with appointments but the result is that I don't have anyone to talk to. I've decided to talk to myself here so that I can read this again later and see if I can help myself. Some days I feel so guilty for feeling so incomplete. In the grand scheme of things I know I am very fortunate to have my son with me and to have a home and an income. I have my sorrowful times when I would like to be with my husband rather than here on Earth, and living without his love is so much harder than I thought it would be. Feeling lost and empty are just so normal now. Yet I know I have so much to be thankful for. My brain swirls and curls; thrashing and crashing like the surf on a stormy day. How can I feel so lost and at the same time feel trapped? My heart breaks when I read everyone's sad stories here. I pray for peace and comfort for us all. I love to read about the positives and really celebrate the good things that are posted. This is my new normal life. Actually this forum is really my only life. The outside world continues to push me away with empty promises for the future and harsh comments about getting on with living and forgetting the past. I'm lonely, I ache inside, and I want to run away from this emptiness. Next Friday will be the second birthday my husband would have had. He would have been turning 58. I wonder about what has happened to him since he died... I've passed all the firsts and am starting the seconds.
  3. 9 points
    Marita, This is all so familiar to me. I have tried so hard to deal with my sorrow in a "positive" way. Went to a counselor, went to groups and tried to keep busy. However, I find myself in the same lonely place. I recently started my second year and it sure does not look much different than the first. I sent in volunteer applications at two different places and neither responded. I am so tired of spending so much time alone. As you, I am grateful for my family, though I do not see them very often. A few very good friends have made life tolerable. And this forum has been a blessing. Who else can you moan to in the middle of the night? We have to all hang in there together and hope for better times. Gin
  4. 9 points
    Valentin'e Day is our wedding anniversary, and seeing the Valentine stuff in the stores starts the dread of it approaching. I am going to try and remember all the love we had on that day we joined our lives. Mark thought it was a hokie thing to do, to get married on that day...but he saw my way of thinking after I explained it was to help him to never forget our anniversary, not that he ever would. He was so very romantic. I have a copy of the card that came with my first Valentine's flowers from him...and I have the dried petals. He got me tulips, and when I see tulips I immediately thing of him. I will look at the link and share my story.
  5. 8 points
    Darrell, purpose of the Grief Healing discussion is too share via discussion......not too insightful is this drop of wisdom is it?......everything is read by most of us..(we recall when we were there, or say this is still to come).....Very seldom do we debate, but always share similar situations ,commend on successes, even share remedies to ailments.....and unanimously, we lent support to each other. Leaving this group may impair your Journey, stick around, it will help...good luck Kevin
  6. 8 points
    Darrel, one thing I have learned is to not take things personally because every one here is in pain. Some have better days than others and can jump in with support immediately. Some have a hard time even reading the pain and have nothing to give at that time. I've posted and gotten the range from a lot to very little reply. I write it for myself and the gems are finding someone else has something to give back. I know people read the posts and it may feel we are being ignored, but I know that is not the case knowing so many of the wonderfully caring souls here. The fact that they can support others amid thier grief is truly amazing. As for going off topic, that is the nature of combining many people and how conversations run. One user said they were trying to reply and ran into technical problems. That led others to say they had too. It wasn't to ignore you, it's just how conversations flow. Some start new topics with every new thought and some go to older topics that have titles that reflect where they feel thier post will fit. I know it wasn't your intention to make anyone feel bad, but we do have to accept that in grief people are getting by the best they can just as we are. I've seen many replies to your posts that show people care. Some may type the words, some may be sitting nodding in agreement. Our grief should not increased or diminished by the tally of replies. That is why I find it safe here. I can say anything and at least get some of the weight of my broken heart. Just to know I can share it with others than in a personal journal no one will see helps. I doubt there has been one post written that was not read by someone who understands firsthand.
  7. 8 points
    When you find yourself thinking that, AB, remember that it's way too big a question, and it's one you cannot possibly answer. The real challenge ~ and the only one that matters here and now ~ is how to live the rest of today. And if that's too much to swallow, then focus on how you will live the next few hours ~ or the next few moments. That's enough for you to focus on right now.
  8. 8 points
    You can't feel or understand Grief if you haven't committed yourself to unconditional love and it is lost.......the two go hand in hand......That is why only we can understand this....I believe I can live and function with Grief, but still have those moments.....
  9. 8 points
    My Mask, Grief Poem Every morning I wake up and put on a mask, the mask makes everything seem alright, But they don't know I cry at night, The nightmares just won't go away If only I knew it was your last day For six years I've felt this pain The feeling just won't go away, Everyone thinks I've dealt with your death the best, but without this mask I'd be a mess. By Ellie Nazza --- I know I have a mask! NATS
  10. 8 points
    Beyond all, the toughest part is just allowing all the hurt, the loss, the pain, the fear to be felt and not repressed. The more I squash it, the more it finds other ways to get out and be free instead of shoved back into the closet. And, I am a highly sensitive person, so this is going to be felt so deeply, whether I want to feel or not. Today, I dropped a small plate and here it comes the same feeling of being shattered all to pieces when he died so unexpectedly....and no way to put all those pieces back together, none at all. So the last three years have been an adventure in creating what I can from the ashes of what was. So far, so good. And I just cry now, not so afraid it will pull me under and completely destroy me. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. Thank you for being the hearts that hear and allow that. You are a real miracle....and though we have never met, it is so easy to feel your hearts. <3
  11. 8 points
    I am sitting here thinking of what I have to do today and it just goes around and around in my head. I am trying to complete my list of thank you notes but I don't have addresses. I have a strange feeling that I can't really describe. It seems as in my mind I am swimming in shallow water and I am okay. Then it is like I plunge down deeper and that is when it hits me that my husband of 57 years is gone forever. For 58 years he has always been just a phone call away, whether he was working out of state or in Montgomery where we lived when he retired. MY HUSBAND'S LIFE IS OVER. He was once a newborn baby, a toddler, a child, a teenager and then a grown man in the Air Force. He received a hardship discharge before his time was up because his daddy broke his neck and he returned home to help his mother and siblings. I met him five years later when I was dating his younger brother in 1957. In 1958 I moved and worked in Birmingham, Al and lost touch with his brother and him and his other brother. The brother I dated had gotten married. One night my two friends and I came to my parents home for the weekend. We were passing a favorite hangout and I said I wish I could find Kenneth and Arlon. One of my girlfriends who knew them also said I saw a red chevrolet back at the Magic Grill, you know how they liked chevys. The girl driving whipped the car around and we drove up and there they were. The only car in the parking lot. We got in the car with them and we rode around all night long. They were so funny we laughed and laughed and laughed. These two boys/men were so respectful of us. They never drank, cursed or told dirty jokes. They were just nice, well behaved funny, happy guys. I am saying this because they divided their time working at home and then working in Miami. They just went whenever the mood struck them. So I found them in just a small window of time. If my friend hadn't seen the car and my other friend turned around I would probably never have run into them again and my life story would be different. They asked us out the next night and I happened to wind up sitting with Kenneth. And that was the beginning. He would drive to Birmingham and pick my up and take me home. One night a bunch of us went to downtown Birmingham to see the elaborate Christmas displays in two big department stores. It was very cold and I had already seen the displays so I stayed in the car. And then I thought I should get out just to be polite. I walked up beside Kenneth and put my arm through his. He told me later that when I did that he looked down and thought I love this little girl. This was a man who had never been serious about another girl and like me he was as pure as fresh fallen snow. We met in Nov. A year later in Nov we were married. After 5 years we had three children along the way and they were all born in Nov. . Once I said to him everything good that has happened to us was in Nov. But on Nov 1st 2016 he became sick and went to the hospital. On Nov 28th which was our wedding anniversary he was placed on hospice and died on Dec 13th. After Nov 28 he never spoke to me or our children again. Everything bad that has happened to us began in Nov. And I can't believe that his life as ended. My house is so quiet. No sound of a cane tapping on the floor, No voice to talk to me. No one to put in the car and go out to eat or just riding somewhere. No one to take to the river and push along a long concrete walking trail and see the blue birds or hear the lap of the water against the shore. A river that we rode up and down in our boat , camped beside. fished from Had fun with my mama and daddy and relatives when we all camped together. I could go on and on and you all know what I am talking about and how I feel. And I am so sorry for all of us.
  12. 8 points
    I apologize for being redundant as I've mentioned this a couple of times before; but I do think it merits repeating. Early on in my grief my grief therapist told me it is important to remember every decision you made, you made out of love based on the best information you had at that time. Being kind to yourself is a valuable gift to yourself. Sadly we tend to second guess ourselves far more frequently than we would a friend.
  13. 8 points
    Hi AB, Last week in therapy I confessed how much I have been just overwhelmed with memories of last year at this time. Today is 11 months for me. And with work, my concentration, all my self-proclaimed failures, how hard I am on myself. She told me of a story -- I think it is Greek in origin. We go through these horrible traumas, and it is an arrow that is shot in our heart. As it lay there within us, another one comes, but it is from ourselves... the arrow of our reactions to our own pain from the first arrow, the arrow of guilt or blame or 'we should be doing better with an arrow in our heart'. Our goal is to not let that second arrow in. The first one was plenty. It is not an easy task, but since then I have been thinking alot about the image of that second arrow. You are not a failure--- you are, we all are, terribly, terribly injured. Take good care, Patty
  14. 7 points
    Marg - My wish for you is that someday you are able to see that turning your back on him was an act of love and that Billy understood that then. You did not want to see him go. You were doing everything in your power to keep him with you. Give yourself a hug and try to see your actions for what they truly were.
  15. 7 points
    Autumn, In my mind you were saying "I love you." You were showing him how much you love him. You were fighting for his life. He knew that then and knows that now. We all handled those final moments with all the love we had. When my wife died I was holding our daughter and not my wife's hand. I regretted that but then I came to realize my daughter needed me more than my wife did at that time. I was telling Deedo that I loved her by comforting our daughter. We need to understand that actions do speak far louder than words; especially under stress.
  16. 7 points
    George, With your getting ready to fly, I want to pass along a flight meaning for me, as well. When Dana and I reconnected last May, she talked about her bucket list. It was rather lengthy, and I'm sorry to say we only whittled away a couple of them. She wanted to ride horseback, so I arranged 2 days' lessons when she came to visit me. She lived in central Texas and wanted to go to a real beach again. So we went to Wrightsville Beach and Atlantic Beach. Wanted to take her to the Outer Banks, but we ran out of time. So here is the flight meaning. She REALLY, REALLY wanted to fly in a bi-plane and have a long scarf around her neck to blow in the wind. After reading your goals and progress, it hit me! I just found a place near Carolina Beach that takes people up, so I have decided to find a long scarf, and take the flight for her. So thanks for that bit of inspiration. And no, I didn't have a bucket list. But I do now.
  17. 7 points
    Darrel- Something else to consider is that we are all at different stages in our grief and we all don't grieve the same. Last summer I was feeling somewhat as you are now. I was trying to find anything to be grateful for; I was trying to find positives in my daily life because the pain of grief was so all-encompassing. When I posted that here I felt attacked by some members. In response I withdrew. When people post sometimes I feel like they are putting my emotions into prose. Other times I struggle to relate at all. Some times I HAVE to respond; other times I simply can't find words. Regarding hijacking a post - it happens. It's not intentional and not intended to hurt it just happens. Sometimes writing the mundane gives us a respite from the focus on what is.
  18. 7 points
    Tomorrow, February 2, at 5 pm, my husband of 33 years drew his last breath three years ago - his last defiant act in the face of the cancer that took over his body in the short time of just 141 days from the test results to his death. I'm not new to this site. If you go back to March or April 2014 you'll see that I was pretty active on this site. There is no sanity the first year, but this site allowed me to understand that my insanity at times was normal for me - exactly what I needed to hear from those of you further along in the journey at that time. While I read this forum everyday and feel as though I know each of you, I stopped regularly posting because my words/thoughts were just playback of what all of you were already experiencing and saying. These three years have been marked with their own unique experiences. The first year was just that -- getting through the first year of "firsts." Realizing in my heart at about the 6 month mark that he was gone and I was alone (my mind knew but my heart still carried hope). That was like losing him all over again. When the second year began, I struggled with the question of "why?" It seemed like I was consumed with that question searching for the answers that never appeared - why didn't the doctor run tests earlier instead of treating the cough with cough syrup, why did I have to insist that his pc doctor make a referral to a pulmonary specialist, why weren't the treatments working, why was time going by so quickly without the results I/he/we had prayed so hard for? And the big WHY question -- Why him??? It wasn't until towards the end of that second year that my Why question was answered - and it was answered by all of you with your sharing on this website. The answer that spoke so loudly one night while on this site was -- WHY NOT? Why not my husband? All of you lost someone you loved dearly and didn't want to lose so why would I think my husband's life should be spared at the expense of your loved one? My tears began to fall at HIS answer but after that revelation, I have been able to move on. This past year (the third without him) has been one of growth for me. Learning who I am as an individual but knowing that who I am is because of my husband's unending love for me. I still wear my wedding band and always will because we took our vows for life - I'm still living my life. He's buried at his family plot about 160 miles from our home and I go every month to sit quietly and reflect, remember and now even smile at things I remember during "our time." My heart still hurts not hearing his voice to calm me when I'm frightened, my heart still hurts not being able to hold his hand or to hug him, my heart still hurts when I reach for him in bed and I'm all alone. It always will hurt - it's the price we pay for loving one so deeply. I've learned to accept the hurt and carry it along with me as a reminder of the love I had, have and will continue to have for Al. Know that as I read each of your comments, my thoughts for you are always that you find some comfort knowing that who you lost loved you so much that your heart still hurts. Sue
  19. 7 points
    I am gonna say something else. I had 54 years and I wanted 54 more. I did not want to live. But, these many months later, I do so want to see my granddaughter find a career that will help her grow. I would love to see her find someone to love. Oh, I know it won't always be smooth, but if she understands that fusses are just fusses as long as there is not emotional abuse, physical abuse. I outlived the emotional abuse and gave some of my own, which was not the answer, but we did wind up with the last 20-30 years being perfect. Maybe fighting to keep something that would wind up that perfect was worth the trouble we went through to get there. No matter what we did, we had to be together. Even during the bad times, we had to be together. We are still together in my mind. Even though things that should have been forgotten, I have admitted to. We were two imperfect people that made a very perfect marriage.......eventually. I am glad we never let go. Either one of us had reason to, but it was impossible. I'm glad.
  20. 7 points
    Darrel, that's one of the things that makes this forum so special. So many of us were blessed to be with our soul mate and so many of us here share our pain and our life stories. It's very therapeutic in so many ways, for the writer and the reader. I remember being on the board back in 2015 and having a hard time coming to grips with this life without Tammy. I really wasn't sure if I could go on with my life. I posted here about my feelings. The responses I got helped me so much and made me feel like maybe I could do this. One member in particular said something that resonated deeply with me. He said that although Tammy was gone physically from my life, she will always be a part of me. That the Mitch I was before I met Tammy was different than the Mitch I am today. That I'm a blending of Mitch and Tammy. That was so profound and it was a catalyst to taking my grief journey in a more positive direction. In other words, with us (the survivor) choosing to live our life, we are not just honoring our beloved, we are letting them live on in many ways.
  21. 7 points
    I think we all just tread water most days, and I cannot swim. I take Xanax for a lot of reasons. It helps stop my tremors for awhile. It will take care of a panic attack, and some times I am bothered with an old ruptured colon and stomach problems make a congenital tremor look like I have parkinsonism. It helps. But the grief cannot be cured with medication. I quote Rose Kennedy often. Time does not heal grief, it just provides scar tissue. Those that have been on here the longest, we follow their progress and sometimes lack of it for awhile. This path we all walk on, it always has some deep potholes, no matter how many months, no matter how many years.
  22. 7 points
    Thank you Sue for your post. My second year question has been "who am I now that you are gone?" And in this third year: "what am I going to do from now on, which kind of life am I going to live?" I miss my boyfriend so much and I still feel lost in my soul without him. I am learning, not sure what, but I am all work in progress.
  23. 7 points
    Dear Darrel, The word PITY holds some negative connotations, but it is something necessary for a grieving spouse. It is not pity, or feeling sorry for ourselves when we mourn and grieve the loss of the most important person in our lives. We MUST allow ourselves the time to go deep inside the feelings we have coming at us on a continuous basis. If you need to wallow, then by all means do it. It is necessary to help us sort out and try and process all that has happened, and what will continue to happen in the coming days, weeks, months and years. I was always hard on myself, and my grief counselor told me so, about allowing and permitting myself to FEEL my feelings and emotions whatever t hey were at the time. She had to point out to me that losing my husband unexpectedly at the age of 53 was a SHOCK to my system and a trauma to my life. Anyone who did not see it as such were not to be paid attention to. Whatever ways you can find to help you, do them. By reading your posts, you are a very intelligent man who does have a grip on the situation...but is just trying to make your way through each day. Sometimes we have to just stop and for a few minutes tell ourselves we are doing the best we can. We are all her e for you.
  24. 7 points
    This is so true. Darrel, you are not alone. I struggle with thoughts of suicide each and every day....right now they are just thoughts but I can't deny making actual plans to do so. This pain as we all know is too much to bare at times. All we can do is take it one day at a time....actually taking it min by min or sec by sec seems to be the best we can do. This life can feel so lonely and pointless without our loves and especially so when compounded by other issues. I pray that we all make it through this....some how....some way....
  25. 7 points
    Autumn, None of what you express is rambling. These are just the sounds of a heart that has been torn apart. I offer my sympathies for the loss of your daughter as well as your husband. I understand all too well what you must be feeling. Anytime we remove anything from our lives that was meaningful and held fond memories, it is just another stab in our already wounded hearts. Between the deaths of my husband and daughter, it was financially necessary for me to sell our "retirement" cabin, a place where we had lived, loved, and laughed for 40 years, and where we had hoped to live full time one day. That day was not to be. Losing that place was another twist of the knife. Losing my daughter was the final thrust. I finally became numb as I sold item after item of his knowing how precious all these things were to him. Becoming numb was the only way to survive the holocaust. I have survived, just have not mastered the art of living again.
  26. 7 points
    I've quit reading my daily motivations by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD. Last time I read was January 21st. Today's is what it is all about. Things to do today: 1. Get up 2. Survive 3. Go back to bed. I will survive today. Some days that is enough.
  27. 7 points
    It is kind of like a new "dance" learning to allow those happy moments and bits of excitement in our lives amongst the grief we carry. I wrestle with the feeling as well. This has been a tough week, for many reasons, and I was feeling so light this morning knowing it is Friday and that I have time to focus on getting some things done now that I am feeling much better. I feel a positive force and it is confusing because I also miss Mark so very much. His absence is ALWAYS present in my life. I just learned yesterday that one of my closest colleagues, someone who is more family than a colleague resigned and will be leaving. He was what Mark called my "work husband". The day Mark died, he rushed to the hospital to be with me, and went with me to the funeral home to make arrangements. He watched my dogs when I went off to Oregon to meet Theresa Caputo. I don't think I have processed how this change is going to affect my life. I read over the struggles that so many have on here, and I should feel thankful and blessed that my life for the most part holds no serious events to deal with. Doesn't it feel sometimes when we are reveling in a good moment that we are kind of "letting go" of our loved one? The idea of actually LETTING GO and MOVING ON still terrifies me.
  28. 7 points
    This part of grief is so new for me. My dream of learning to fly seems so unattainable when i look at it realistically and rationally (mature age, overweight, no money) but just thinking about this dream has started a spark for life that I lost when Rose Anne died. Just pondering it gets me excited and looking forward to tomorrow. Since, all of this happened in a chance moment in time Who knows what lies ahead in our lives that will bring us joy and happiness. I couldn't see this possibility in the early period of my grief. We need to keep an open mind and open heart to what the future will bring. - Shalom
  29. 7 points
    Even after Deedo was diagnosed and I learned that the five year survival rate for her cancer was less than 5% I knew the odds were not in our favor but still death was abstract. For the next seventeen months as I watched her slowly lose one battle after the next death was abstract. For the last two months where cancer as so ravaged her body and it was appartent that death was the most merciful outcome death was abstract. After she died, for the next eleven days and I was in a state of shock simply going through motions dealing with kids and arrangements death was abstract. On day twelve following her death when everyone left and I was alone for the first time death became a reality. Oh how I wish death could return to being an abstract.
  30. 7 points
    I too really miss our conversations. If I were able to have conversations, I could be "fine" with this new life where I cannot see him or touch him anymore. I can't stand the pain of not being able to have a conversation, an exchange, a dialogue. I hear the echo of my voice. I cannot stand this permanent silence. I know there are techniques like journaling but I want "him" to talk with me! Doesn't matter, I want him back. End.
  31. 6 points
    Most regular readers here know that my wife Tammy was my world. When she came into my life, everything changed. I went from longtime bachelor to an instant family man as Tammy's daughter Katie became my daughter too. And I knew Tammy was perfect for me the second we touched each other. Sometimes when it's just right, you know it. I met Tammy online in 1999. She was funny and seemed so sweet, but I didn't expect it to go beyond "online friends". She was a lifelong Illinois resident along with her entire family and I was in Maryland all my life. Fact was, I had many online female friends but it never went beyond that. I never even talked to them on the phone. Then Tammy asked me if she could call. I've never said yes before but something (that little voice in my head) said, "go for it". And so began our amazing love affair. After a few months of having long distance marathon phone chats, we decided to meet in person. We definitely were falling in love with each other. I'll never forget seeing her in person for the first time at the airport here. We sat down for a bit and I held her hand for the first time. It was magical. I looked into her eyes at that moment and said "Tammy I really love you". It wasn't just words. We had a wonderful 5 days together and when I had to take her back to the airport, I put on a big smile and a brave face but inside it hurt. I didn't want her to leave. I sat in my car at the airport alone, and sobbed uncontrollably. It was then I knew that I wanted Tammy in my life forever. Less than 7 months later the moving van came from Illinois with Tammy and Katie's stuff and Tammy and Katie were in Maryland with me. It was certainly a big change from the life of a bachelor, but I loved it. To Katie, I was "Sweet Daddy Sunshine" (her nickname for me) and I was Tammy's "Mitchie Pooh". Some of my family members thought I was moving too fast having Tammy and Katie move in with me. Some were concerned about Tammy's many serious health issues. But, like I told them, none of that mattered to me. I love Tammy and that's all that matters. Over the next 15+ years, Tammy and I lived a life filled with love. And it was that love that also got us through the incredible amount of life threatening medical traumas that we went through. Tammy was, without question, the most courageous woman I've ever known. After another life and death medical ordeal and a long hospital/rehab stay, Tammy came home on a stormy night. It was Wednesday, March 4th, 2015. As they put her in the ambulance to drive her home, I remember thinking how beautiful Tammy looked (she was wearing a coat I hadn't seen her wear before) even though she had just been through so much. Less than 2 days later, traumatically, tragically, unexpectedly, Tammy was rushed by ambulance to the hospital again. She was gone before she arrived there. My wife... my life... had died and my world crashed down hard. So hard I didn't think I could survive. Yet here it is, nearly 23 months later and I'm here. Two years older (although I feel like I've aged 10 years). I'm working, functioning... I'm surviving. And that's the hard part. This new life, this new existence is not what was supposed to be. Me and Tammy were supposed to grow old together. It wasn't supposed to end like this. I've survived largely by trying my best to honor Tammy. To live in this world feeling like we will be together again someday. To cherish the life we had and to always remember that few had a love affair like we had. It was truly once in a lifetime. And I was blessed that Tammy came into my life and chose me as her husband. But, it will always hurt. It will always be a life filled with the what if's and could've beens. And now, I wonder how my life will be moving forward, in time. My life with Tammy and the love we shared was the best part of my life. Now alone, it's pretty much deja vu and rinse, wash, repeat daily. Drudgery. It's a life (an existence) but it's devoid of any real joy and certainly a life without love. And the thing is, us humans all need love. Yet I know that this is my life. I could never imagine myself being with someone else. I live my life with Tammy's love in my heart. That will never leave. But I miss her touch, her smile, her smell... the taste of her sweet lips. This new world is a shell of what I had. It's a cold, lonely, empty place. I just wish I could close my eyes and wake up to the life I loved. A life with Tammy by my side. A life filled with love and intimacy. Mitch
  32. 6 points
    In the 17 months since Billy left so fast, I have had time to think about all the "what if's" and what they come down to is, it does not matter. He is still gone. "If" when he had the nerve damage feeling to his right arm a couple of years ago, what if we had not explained to ourselves that it was the herniated disks in his back. Finally, we decided to have it checked and they would not do anything because they had found a large brain aneurysm. Still, they gave us hope of possibly being fixed when we went to the neurosurgeon. On the way home we were worried, but we had been down that road before with my illnesses. We ate at Outback, our first time. Billy loved steak. That night he had such stomach pains I rushed him to the ER the next morning. They kept him and his whole body was riddled with cancer. What happened. He had been to dermatologists, cardiologist, and twice a year to his nephrologist with complete lab work. The doctor was from our hometown, he was like family to us. (We never received a bill.) I know enough to know that if he had looked at his LFT's and not just his creatinine and kidney functions he would have seen the irregularity in his liver. His liver was taken over with cancer. Couldn't someone have seen these liver function irregularities? We knew the cancer could not be cured, but his fast death from the ER to the hospital bed, we know was not caused from any one thing. Heart, lungs, liver, colon, aneurysm? He is still gone. He was hyperventilating. I could calm his breathing. My strong supporter had become a confused child, my child, my husband, my support, my lover, my very own love, and my last emotion to him was anger for giving up. We are not ever willing to let them go. I'm still not willing. I miss him, but whatever it was that took him, he is still gone. Until typing this right now, I have had to let it go. I'm not happy, I don't have a satisfied mind, I want to be with him.....but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep (RF). And if I had gone first, I believe Billy would be doing exactly what I am doing now. I am him and he is me.
  33. 6 points
    Darrel, my dear, a quick look at your activity on our site indicates that since your arrival here, you have started some 38 different topics which have generated around 329 replies. Without doing a complete analysis of the contents, that alone calls into question your conclusion that your posts are boring and not generating much in the way of responses. Monitoring this site as I do, and reading everything that is ever posted in every thread in every forum, it seems to me that in whatever responses you have received, you've been met with nothing but kindness, compassion, and understanding, and nothing but appreciation for the support you've given to others. It saddens me to think that you feel abused and neglected. Still, as I've told you before, your first obligation is to take good care of yourself, and if that means you feel that you must leave us, so be it. Just know that if you change your mind, you are always, always most welcome to stay. We're not going anywhere, and we will still be here if and when you decide to return. ♥
  34. 6 points
    Yes! It took me a very long time. I will never be over it. My wife's sudden death was a complete shock to me and my life. I found that even people who have lost their partners do not really talk/ share or give relief. I had to learn how to breathe again because it took my breath away when I thought about it. You have come to the right place here. People know, care, and understand. You will find you are not alone. This is a safe refuge. I discovered that by sharing and asking questions it helps me to understand what was going on. MartyT has great resources here and many helpful caring people at various stages of their grief walk. We will listen, care, share, and pray. Good sleep, plenty or water, eat as healthy as you can because this grief takes lots of energy. "one day at time, one moment at a time. I will be lifting you up in prayer. God will supply all of your needs. - Shalom, George
  35. 6 points
    Oh Lynne, My heart just goes out to you. I am so very sorry you are going through this. There are no words that I can say to you. I will sit here with you for as long as you wish me to. That is what we do here on this forum. I understand about not being able to eat. I assure you that you will eat eventually. It is important that you engage in self-care. I hope you will try to keep yourself hydrated, see your doctor for the colitis for that may be why nothing stays down, and try a drink that has vitamins in it. I know all this may not even be what you want to do but I assure you you will start feeling better. Later you may want to visit with a good grief counselor who will be able to help you with your grief. It is too soon for you to be feeling any different than what you are feeling right now. We are here for you. Anne
  36. 6 points
    That was us too. We knew each other almost 40 years, married for almost 31, but it was the last 20 we finally got it right. 2 times we almost gave up but couldn't. A lot was us each owning our imperfections and finding compromises. There were still bumps in th road, but we learned how to talk them thru instead of defensiveness or shifting blame. It's so hard now not having that interaction, be it good or bad. It's still incomprehensible to me I haven't talked with him for over 2 years. How much the day was filled with that from day to day little things to big philosophical discussions. I'll sometimes make comments aloud watching a movie, but there's no answer. People don't understand this can feel like an inhumane torture.
  37. 6 points
    Sooooo I had 52 years (february 6) together and it is still not enough. Nothing else needs to be said.
  38. 6 points
    The most rational people can have the stars line up with compounded stressors and a irreversible decision can be the result......In the darkest of times a close friend of mine considered suicide but the fear of Judgement held her back.....All it took was a rebalancing of meds and touch of Prozac.....Good as new now and walking 5 miles a day...........Mental Health effects us all.........always the best
  39. 6 points
    A beautiful story Mitch. I guess in my smugness, I used to think that i was the only one fortunate enough to have this same kind of blissful relationship with my wife of 41 years. It does my heart good to find out since joining this group around christmas time that this world is full of other people that have been just as blessed as I have been. I know all to well how you hurt. How empty you now feel. And how lonesome you feel all the way down to your bootstraps. It's with me every day also. And like you, when i get up every morning after my nightly 3-4 hour nap, my #1 priority is to honor my wife in everything i do.It isn't hard to do that. She always made it easy to love her---and now to honor her. But Lord have mercy but do i miss her every minute of every day. You have my sympathies Mitch. This sure isn't a fun ride we're on! One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  40. 6 points
    What amazes me if one expresses the thought of suicide it is jumped on by people like we are nuts. Well, grief is not logical, that's for sure. I've never used the word around anyone but my counselor, but even saying I don't want to be here without him will have people telling me all the reasons I should. What an assortment of things I have heard that mean nothing to me. Of course, we know these people cannot comprehend the enormous pain and that it will never really end. I've had nothing but health problems since Steve died. My body just started falling apart when my caregiver role ended. The stress of that came thru loud and clear. Last night I was so sick with what I now know is pneumonia I sobbed and begged death to just take me now. So we do think it, feel it. I often want to 'go to sleep' as he did and leave this world behind. As Maryann said, it's an extreme trauma. Maybe that would be a better word to use as grief is on such a timeline for those not experiencing it. I suspect, tho, that word would be lost on them.
  41. 6 points
    I'm like Ana. Going into this 3rd year has been the toughest. It began in the 2nd, but really hitting now. I just can't get used to the loneliness. The longer he is gone, the more I find myself remembering what a content life we had. I'm alone, but have yet to find a way around the fear that brings often. There is nothing like the safety we feel when we have that someone who may not fix everything, but can at least be there as we go through it. Together. There is just no getting around the remainder of our lives are forever changed.
  42. 6 points
    Sue, I echo so much of what you expressed. It has been almost four years since Ron left, yet the hurt and loneliness remain, maybe not as intense as it was at first. I was "double whammied" by the death of my daughter just 14 months later. As much as I loved Ron, it was her death that truly shattered me. Even that has become somewhat easier to accept over time. What other choice do we have?
  43. 6 points
    AB....That sucks.....pls don't give up on yourself or your journey. There are many ways to heal...and time seems to be the best component. I took a short trip to the beach and spa...got a massage ...pampered myself some and cried myself to sleep. It helped. My current journey seems to be getting back in touch with things I loved that Kev didn't necessarily....The beach is one of those things... The healing journey continues....and will probably last for the rest of my life...but at least I feel like I am making some progress... Back to life? Who knows....? I sure don't.....here's to not knowing..Marie
  44. 6 points
    Hello there! Marita...I definitely relate. Had some girl time this weekend...but, everywhere we went reminded me of Kev. The last time I went to all the places was with him...couples snuggled up on the tram....the list goes on... I didn't say a whole lot to the ladies about it, I don't want to be the Debbie Downer...but my mind and my heart were filled with the thoughts and memories ...trying to create new memories to have happy thoughts again....maybe one day it will happen. Cheers, Marie
  45. 6 points
    You might try them back on a regular basis. Perhaps they didn't have an opening at the time and some only keep applications on file for so long. They often treat it just like hiring a job candidate and the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I know my helping with the bingo at the senior site is the highlight of my week, I really enjoy those old people! Funny, I was with some ladies at a party Friday and we're age 62-89 and we were laughing so hard and I said, "This reminds me of the senior site!" and one of the ladies (age 80) said, "We're not seniors!" I laughed and said we're age 62-89, yes we are! Funny, I don't think she ever thought about her age! But I sidetrack, it really helps to get out and volunteer. I do books for my church too, that's not "fun" it's work, but I do it to help them out and refuse pay because I want to give back to them in a tangible way, besides if I got more $ the gov't would just think of some way to take it. But doing that hard job keeps my brain active and functioning (or old and worn out) so maybe it'll help stave off the dementia my mom had.
  46. 6 points
    I hesitate to question or second-guess what you've been told by a therapist who has seen you in person, reviewed your personal history with you, and presumably based his/her recommendations on a thorough and informed assessment of your current situation and state of mind. Was this person a psychiatrist (that is, a physician who is licensed and qualified to assess your need for and to prescribe medication)? You don't say whether you were able to determine whether he or she has specialized knowledge, training and experience in working with grief and loss. That would be my only concern, as not all therapists are specialists in this particular field. It may help for you to read these articles, including those I've listed at the base of each: Seeing A Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter? Are We Medicating Normal Grief?
  47. 6 points
    I am obviously not a doctor, but it concerns me when a therapist says you 'definitely' need meds after one brief meeting without some full sessions to talk about what is happening to you. Being so new to this grief as you are I'm a bit leery when they want to throw pills at someone right off the bat. It doesn't mean you may not need some help with anxiety as that is a real biggie. A decision about taking antidepressants is not something to take lightly. My question to this therapist is why they feel that with so little information before getting to know you and all you are experiencing. They could be right, but to say that right off the bat seems premature. Many have gone that route while others respond quite well to just having an outlet. I'm on both, but was before I even lost Steve. You are just over a month into this so don't be pressured or 'sold' these are miracle fixes as they are not. I'm more pro anti anxiety meds because one is in overload. To get a respite in the turmoil. That not uncommon in the first few months. I just hope this isn't a therapist trying to numb you out. As much as we hate It, we have to feel it to work on it. Strictly my opinion.
  48. 6 points
    I proposed to my wife, Rose Anne, on Valentine's day 27 years ago. She said "YES" Our last Valentine's Day together, I asked and prepared for my bride everything she wanted. She read the recipe and shared on how to make our meal.. We spent the weekend together, laughing, loving, and sharing all of the wonderful memories that we shared together for the last 25 years. We watched movies and listened to songs and had such a memorable weekend. The next day, Monday, February 16, 2015, she didn't make her usual call to me in the morning. I thought she was just sleeping. We had a heavy snowstorm and my car slid across several lanes of traffic. Fortunately no one was hurt and I thought that was my "scare" for the day. When I opened the door, I called, "Honey, I'm Home" but there was no response. I found her resting peacefully in her chair. I am so thankful for our last Valentine's weekend together. She is my Valentine. - Shalom. George
  49. 6 points
    Kevin, I so relate. My whole reason for living was to take care of Al. He had so many problems. The last month or so the fluid building up in his legs started oozing out. Twice a day I had to clean it, bandage them and put Ace bandages over it all. We had to do this before he got out of bed in the morning and then again later. We were both exhausted most of the time. I would have done it forever, if I could have him here. He barely ate then and I would count the calories and supplement it with Ensure.
  50. 6 points
    What a sweet story Marty. Thanks for sharing it. I never was a very macho kind of guy. I like it that this planet is big enough for their to be lots of other couples that were just as gushy and mushy and my wife & i always were. It's kinda nice to know that we never had a corner on that market. Maybe there's hope for mankind after all. One foot in front of the other... Darrel