Chai

Dear Spika, hugs for all the hurt you are experiencing. You are not alone. I'm also a young person in her 20s who lost her dad to cancer and I also think of all the things he's missing. I was also faraway from him when he passed on. I can relate so much to what you said about your mother telling you a story of your dad, and it only made you more sad... I'm not sure if it always gets easier over time. That's what the cliche saying says. I think it gets easier for some. For me it's been nearly 4 years. Sometimes the grief still hits me hard - like this morning. But other times, I'm fine. I can't say that I wish for you to be fine, because we'll never be exactly the same people again. But you can still have things to look forward to in life and be excited. One day you can do things and think of your dad and say, "Hey dad, look what I'm doing!" Perhaps talking to him or writing letters to him now, as you are transitioning and moving, will help you feel like he is still in your life a little? I found that writing letters to my dad after graduation (in 2010 years after he passed away) helped me to feel a bit better. I also write him on Father's Day. I wish you the best. love and light to you, Chai

As everyone has said...it isn't weird at all. I totally understand frantically wanting to save it. I am very fortunate in that I have, not only a tape my father spoke for me before he passed on, but also old cassette tapes he recorded of his sessions with his clients in his work as a natural healer. The sound is a bit distorted and sped up but I found a way to slow it down. So i have all these tapes of my dad speaking. It's wonderful. my mother thinks I should toss away the old cassette tapes since I have now figured out how to transfer the sound to files on my computer. But I don't want to. What if something happened to my computer? No way. There are also some glimpses of my dad in old videos even though he and my mom separated when I was 3. I love seeing him in the old videos, even if it's from far away from the back...

Dearest Caitlyn, I am so sorry that you are hurting so much. I remember when I was at the point you're at, and even a "was" would make me choke to say it, and I'd only say it to get along with everyone else...and how I want to keep everything, everything that my dad touched. You are not alone in wanting to keep it all. My dad passed away in 2008 and I'm still hanging on to the car he drove, even though I don't drive yet, the car is old, and it's damaged from sitting around for years so probably un-drive-able now anyway. Grief just has no logic. When others continue on in life with all their logic, it hurts us. It makes us feel pressure that we should be like that, too. But we don't want to, because we don't feel normal, and we don't want to pretend. How can we pretend that we're normal, when everything hurts? Everything hurts so much. I wish I could say something to help. Time is painful now, but I at least have found, that time helps somewhat. Just today I bawled like mad over my dad...but sometimes, over the years, the pain is less, and it has softened and isn't so heavy inside of me anymore. I hope that your pain can lessen too, so it isn't such a burden to carry. ((((hugs)))), Chai

Dear Miss Ngu, Please accept my hugs for your loss and for everything you are going through now. You are not alone in wishing that this was not your life, and I can also relate to "if you can't talk with me about my feelings, I really don't want to hear about you and your life", regarding how to communicate with old friends and family in your life. They just don't understand grief, and they're afraid of it...but we have to take care of ourselves. Please, please don't compromise on that. Take care of yourself. If that means asking them to continue talking about it, as you have, then do it. Otherwise if you compromise, it will only hurt even more later... I wish I had something to say that would help. but all I can say is that I relate. I, too, feel like there's no one else to turn to for advice and comfort quite like my dad. There are some people who are pretty good, and I turn to them...but after almost 4 years, I still feel like, "I wish my dad were here to tell about this." I think I always will feel like that. No one can give advice or make me feel comforted like he did. I think that hole will always be there. ((((Hugs))))) to you, Chai

I feel like I have no right to post here and expect any reply because I've been so inactive on this site for such a very very long time...I haven't spoken to any of the newcomers, though I embrace them all to my heart with love...I haven't replied to anyone's troubles or acted like I care at all, though I think of you all and I do care... It's been almost 4 years since my dad passed away. I was thinking I was ok. I've been experiencing all these inner changes in my life lately that I feel have helped me grow into a better person, a sweeter more loving person that my father would appreciate...so I've been alright, lately. Happy. Growing. Becoming more adult and responsible. I even had this young man who reminds me of my dad say he's in love with me...I don't know what I want in life, so I'm just friends with that guy right now but...I"m still attracted to people who remind me of my dad. Recently a friend of my mom's was taking me on a makeover escapade to get a haircut and new glasses. I was talking to the hair cutting salon lady about why my hair changed color, texture etc. and mentioned how my father passed away in 2008. I think I used the word "died." After years of phobia with that word, i find I can use it now. So in the car after the haircut my mom's friend, "L", was saying how she noticed that the way I talked about my father's death was as if it had happened recently. She recommended this physical therapy/emotional therapy thing called cranial sacral therapy, where they get the kinks out of your body and discuss your stress with you. I thanked her for her advice but was thinking to myself...can't a young woman still miss her dad and mourn him? He was my best friend! That comment has been in my subconscious ever since... this morning I spontaneously was looking at my personal album of photos of my dad. And I didn't cry, I smiled and had some sad moments. But then I came on here and watched that video I made in memory of my father...and I started bawling like a baby, tears streaming down my face and just sobbing uncontrollably. I DO still miss my dad intensely...I guess I've sortof been avoiding it? Not that I don't think of him, but I just thought I was OK and wasn't really doing grieving work lately. I haven't been writing him letters...but then I thought, I DO want to share with him, I DO, because so much has happened to me, in me and out of me, since 2008. I think the last time I wrote a letter to my dad was in 2009 or 2010 after college graduation. Anyway I'm rambling here. I'll stop. But I just...felt that intense grief rise up in me again and had to write about it here. Hugs and love to you all... xoxoxo Chai

Hi Nicholas, I'm sorry, I must have misread one of your posts. I hope that your counseling goes very well. Please tell us if it helps, and share whatever you feel you want to from your heart. take care, Chai

Dear friends, To Daughter2010, you've said everything that I've been mulling over recently...I have been reading, and hearing from dear friends, the very same thing. Think about myself. Care for myself. Don't try to change others; work on yourself. Don't worry about others. Listen to what's inside you. It's hard enough working through you, why try and work on other people? Focus on you. What you said is very powerful. You said it so beautifully! I think that is so true. It is a struggle, and this must be acknowledged. But we know and our loved ones know, this is hard. It's okay that it's difficult, we just have to keep trying, to try and be ourselves, and find out who we are again... I feel I have been getting better. I've been saying what I feel more, and when I feel that urge to say whatever it takes to avoid rejection, I quash that impulse, and instead, I go with what comes from my heart. I think this is how my dad did things, and said things, and I want to be like that. I think he would be proud of me. I feel I am really on a journey of self-discovery here. I thought I had already discovered myself, knowing what I want in life, job I want, passion, etc. But...nope. It's all getting revamped lately. I actually like getting revamped. It hurts sometimes, and it hurts when things I say or do don't please others...but the overall feeling is happiness that I am being true to myself, and that I am being honest. I want to be an honest person. And it feels good, and harmonious within myself, to speak my mind. Finally! I've repressed myself for years, always saying what *others* want to hear. Now I am done with that. Rhonda, ((((((((HUGS))))))))))), I am so sorry for your loss and pain! You are hurting right now. I know how even seeing those small things can hurt; they become big, because they hurt so much just to see them. You know you have us. There is a sense of relief when the turmoil ends, but it opens to the new turmoil of grief...it's like life is molding out a new form for us, cutting away some parts and building up others. It is painful. But you are not alone in the pain and the confusion, and I think if we just keep going and know we have help, we will come out the other side, and be able to make our loved ones proud. take care all, Chai

Dear Nicholas, I am so sorry for your loss. It must be hard to have lost your dear daughter and then so soon afterwards, your son. I also come from an Eastern faith which believes in the eternity of the soul, and that after death that eternal soul travels on to better places, better bodies, better worlds, etc. But when you lose someone, even if you have faith in the person's eternal soul....well, it's nice to know that *they* are okay, but meanwhile, we feel like we are being ripped apart inside. Yes, their bodies are not permanent, their soul is eternal, but their bodies are what we knew with our material senses, and we miss that. We miss the laughter, the hugging, the special relationship, all of that. It's only natural. I think people who are detached are, in a way, fortunate, because they are more attached to that which is eternal and spiritual. Therefore there is no loss for them. But for the rest of us, we remain engaged in the temporary, and we miss the person who has gone on. There is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps one day we can get to the stage of being detached from the material and attached to the spiritual; but that is a process. We can't jump through hoops, we have to go gradually. Please give yourself time to grieve, and do not worry about what others do or do not do. Grieving is a very individual thing. People may not understand it, or you, and that seems to be a given part of it, too. Everyone faces loss in a different manner. But know that you have everyone on this site. We all are all like sisters and brothers in grief; a big, sad family, but at least we have each other. You are not alone. There are people who will relate to what you are saying on here, and there will be people whose different perspective will make you think. There are those you may disagree with, too, but that is okay. It is all individual, and it is all just...part of grieving. I hope that you find people around you who are accepting and can relate to the grief you are feeling. Please try to seek out those who will listen, and people who will care for you in your grief. We need to be taken care of in grief, for we are fragile. And share with people - on here, and out there - it helps. ((((hugs)))), take care, Chai

My two weeks away were good. I went to help out with a temple in a city I never thought I'd consider living in - Los Angeles, aka "hell A", also the place my father and grandmother passed on. During my stay at the temple, I was surrounded by loving, kind people, who were focused and knew what they wanted in life - spirituality, God consciousness, love - and all they did was work towards that. Problems, they dealt with. They lived so simply. They lived in the present - day to day. I started to live day to day during my stay there...and realized, wow. I like this. It works for me! I am usually so good at worrying, and I think too much about the future and make all these "what if"s. While at the temple, I was freed from this burden. Living from day to day was a great release. I want to do it more. I've decided, I want to be more honest with myself and others. I think over the past week or so I've gotten a tad better at catching myself when I'm about to say what someone wants; I pause to think, "Is that what I really feel?" and I say what I really feel. It has caused one argument with a friend, but when she replied to me angrily, I replied honestly again, but a little kindlier, and it helped. We have since made up. I have also determined that the people who just don't really care or don't lend anything to my life - the "hi, how are you?" smalltalk people, the old high school friends who suddenly want me to come to their weddings/graduations/whatnot, I'm cutting them out. I want to live life fully, and I don't want to worry and think about tons of people who are just on the side. I want to just have the people with me who really count. That includes all of you, of course! =D You guys are wonderul. I thank you all so much for all of your care, love, sensitivity, honesty, confiding, sharing, everything. I will keep posting here, and ((((((((HUGSS!!)))))) to all of you. take care, Chai

Dear all, I've been away from my town and the Internet for the past few weeks, and now I'm back. I wanted to reply to all of you, and give more of my thoughts on this. Pinkpony and BellaRosa, I think you have articulated part of this whole grief identity crisis problem...we think that we are who we are regardless of those around us, but when we lose our loved ones, we realize that those people helped form who we are. So who are we supposed to be, without them? I guess I'm supposed to have figured out the answer to this question/problem, since I'm going on 3 years now, but...I don't think I have, really. Also...I agree with what you both are saying, that we should work on ourselves. We need to. It's important! Lilac - good question. I think I've always been a people pleaser, but I thought I'd kicked it out somewhat. Lately though, I've noticed the people-pleasing more, so perhaps I haven't kicked out the problem as much as I thought. I'm definitely more outspoken than I was as a child, or a teenager, yet...I still do and say things according to what I think others want to hear, more than is necessary or healthy, I think. Anne (((hugs))), that sounds like so much to go through. I say 'sounds' because I haven't done that myself and can't claim to understand what it is like to be the one who manages crises. I think it is amazing and applause-worthy when anyone steps up to the plate like that; I myself didn't handle anything when my dad was ill, I just sortof...freaked out inside myself. Anne, you are echoing what a lot of here are feeling. We don't know what to do with ourselves, but we feel that we should work on it, on ourselves, and we have that right. Where the hell to start though? Pardon my language, it's just...I really had thought I'd been getting better at not being a people-pleaser; but I haven't, really, just got better at noticing it, or quashing it. I want to CHANGE it though, to change that habit, to make it gone for good. niamh - As always, you are sweet, and you make me want to give you big big (((HUGS))) back! I can relate to what you are saying about rejection. I feel like perhaps that is what lies at the core of my people-pleasing and my confusion about myself. Fear of failure, fear of rejection. Like what you are experiencing. I just want someone to really really love me and accept like my dad did, haha. But now I have to stand up for myself a bit more, I guess. And the more love I give, hopefully the more I get from others, right? I just have to be honest with myself, and giving and loving...like my dad. But it's one thing to say it and another to do it. niamh, I think the feeling of wanting to talk or not comes and goes, yes. BellaRose again and em - thank you for caring. (((HUGS))) It is a confusing Catch-22 jumble, it is. Lilac - yes, that's exactly it. I have to worry about myself sometimes, and especially right now, I need it. And I have to stop beating myself up (mentally) about things so much! I do that way too much. You are all so caring and wonderful. Thank you so much!

Hi all, The problem is just what my title says. I feel I've lost who I am. I don't know who I am anymore. I don' know if this is because of grief, or being in limbo jobless with nothing to do and too much time to think (or not think!), or what, but...I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I am so much less comfortable with talking to people these days, even people who are very near and dear to me, people who I used to be able to talk to about everything (a couple very special friends). Some of it is that they are busy, but I think most of it is me. I don't call them, I don't visit them, and I don't talk to them about anything important. It's not that I don't want to. I do! I just don't actually do it. I thought it was laziness, but lately I've been studying myself a bit more and analyzing my interactions with people...I've noticed that, in addition to being a MAJOR people-pleaser, I seem to sortof change who I am according to who the person is that I'm talking to. I say what I think they want to hear. It's disgusting. I hate it. I value honesty. I want to be myself, and I want to not be a human sponge. I want to be reacted to, not just the reactor. I want to be able to talk to people about stuff, not just listen. Lately I feel I have nothing to say to people. I don't even feel I'm as good as I was at showing my affection to others. These are wonderful people I want to hug and show my appreciation for. But I've just...lost my touch, or something. It's not that these are mean people who take advantage of me; I'm talking best buds from childhood and stuff. I guess you could say, I am very confused, maybe dead inside, empty, and the emptiness gets filled by my taking on the needs of others. But I want to work on myself! Not others! I want to help me!! It's not selfish, it's my right. I want to be...me. Not some human sponge that does and says what others want. I think about this, but when I'm around people, even those I know and love, I get uncomfortable, and then I start saying and doings things according to them, isntead of according to what's inside of me. It's like I lost the ability to listen to my heart when my dad died or something. Please help me out. Identity crisis here. I really don't know what to do. take care, Chai

Em... (((((Hugs))))). I feel the same. Just one talk would help so much. I haven't done the picture-on-a-chair thing in a while. Or even written a letter. I should. I think it'll help. I'm sorry I have nothing helpful to say. Tonight just...I started thinking about him, and missing him. So I have nothing to help, tonight. take care, Chai

Hmmm...my little things are: * when the sun comes out so bright and I just get excited and I get to be out in that wonderful sun!! * clouds in the sky, the fluffy happy kind * stupid games on my phone * movies and shows that make me laugh * certain friends and just...blah * journaling, getting it out * talking to my dad's picture * spiritual stuff * going on a walk * working on writing, whether it's a novel, a poem, an article, or something stupid and quick

Dear em, Please if you find any way to get excited about life...share it with me. I just sent you a reply t oyour message, which I feel is related to this, but...it's tough. I don't feel I have any concrete answers. Everything used to be so hopeful and bright, and now? Now it's just...so confusing...everyone either tells me what I should do, or doesn't know, whereas my father would've had a different method. He would've said something about following my heart or something...but...I don't know! I don't know if I know my heart and myself, without him. He was so much a part of it. ...I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't like myself much lately, and it bugs me. And my father, in his magical way, could fix this. But he's not here. No one else has that magic! Now I have to have it for myself...but at least I have all of you. =) (((hugs))), take care, Chai