Ms.SnowWhite

My parish/school community has been fantastic. Many of the students and most of the staff came to Adam's wake. The entire school was closed the day of his funeral so that staff, students, and parents could attend. Each student made me a prayer card or craft and the staff and parishioners have given me meals, gift cards, and have had many Masses said for Adam. Since I have returned to work, I can feel their support and love. I am very blessed to be a part of such a wonderful community. We have parent teacher conferences on November 7th. It will be the two month anniversary of his death. On the one month anniversary, I was not able to get out of bed. I feel like I relived the entire day of his death all over again. I couldn't stop screaming or crying. I don't know how I am going to be for the two month anniversary. Leading a parent teacher conference is difficult enough, I am worried that one of my PTSD episodes will occur in front of the parents. I have started EMDR, but it is still too early to see results. I know Adam loved me unconditionally and he constantly thought of me and put me first. His words and actions showed me how much he loved me. In my heart, I know he made every decision based on what he thought was best for me. He probably downplayed his condition so that I didn't worry. I wonder if he wanted to wait until after the wedding to get the pacemaker. One of the reasons I loved him so much was because he was so protective and thoughtful when it came to me. I just wish he was as protective of his own health.

Thank you for this article. I have been thinking about doing this for awhile and it has inspired me: "You might consider writing a letter to this man, telling him everything you need to say to him. Whether he can “read” what you write is not the point – the objective here is to get down on paper whatever thoughts and feelings you have about all of this, to get it out of your mind and heart and onto paper (or your computer screen) so you no longer have to carry all of it around inside of you. That in itself can be very healing. You might also try to have this man write a letter back to you." Fae and KayC, I am done dealing with this man and his company. The boutique was informed of the situation and had time to cancel the order but chose to ignore the situation until it was too late. My uncle is a lawyer with a very strong reputation. He was the former Director of Public Service for our city and is now a private consultant. He is now handling this matter and after reading the owner's last email, my uncle is livid. I guess dealing with all of this wedding drama has helped me redirect my anger at Adam to the vendors who are being heartless or ignoring me. I am just afraid once this is all settled that all of that anger is going to come rushing back at me. I hate it and don't know how to get rid of it. I have been constantly praying about it but I still come back to the fact that Adam knew how bad his condition was before he proposed, he lied to me about it, and refused medical treatment that could have saved his life.

Thanks again for the excellent advice. I am trying to concentrate on the good memories. Right now, when I think of them, they somehow morph into the events leading to his death or I have a mental countdown of how many months he had left at that point. Does this happen to anyone else on here? Thinking of the a good memory brings me to tears because I either know I won't get any more of them or remember the days leading up to his death. Wedding Vendor Update: I am getting full refunds from all but two vendors. One vendor has not returned calls/emails for a month. The second vendor is the dress boutique. Here is a quick summary: My dress went into production in early October. My bridesmaids contacted the boutique in September and spoke to a manager. She told them that she would give this her immediate attention, inform the owner, contact the manufacturer, cancel the order, and was almost positive she could get a full refund. She did none of these things. The owner was informed on Friday after I stated I might contact the media since calls and emails were not returned. The manufacturer was not called until today. It is now too late to cancel the order. Here are some lovely quotes from my email exchange with the owner: It is exhausting mentally to read all that you right - if you would have simply said "thank you" and waited for my response tomorrow you may have been happily surprised. But now, you will not hear from my for one week. If you continue to email me with all of this I am not going to be in the mood to be generous with the offer that I was thinking about making. This was said after I asked for an update regarding what the manufacturer said today. Here is another one: The solution I can provide is going to be out of the goodness of my heart and yet you use words such as the above. I am very upset at this point - thinking about doing something nice for someone and this is how we are treated. I will be in touch in 7 days. Email or call again, and I will never be in touch again. This was said in regards to the fact I mentioned contacting the media and that it was negligent of his store manager to not contact him or the manufacturer when she was first told of the situation in September. I have been getting emails like this from him all weekend. He knows all about the events leading to Adam's death and my diagnosis. He still spoke to me like this.

I am so sorry that your husband was not given the best medical care. That is one of my biggest struggles with Adam's death. We were at two hospitals that discharged him with a clean bill of health. Then, his cardiologist, who has worked on Adam's case since he was 12, said his problem sounded neurological and didn't even ask for any tests to be done on his heart. He died of heart failure the next day. These doctors were so negligent and treated Adam more like a person taking up space in a crowded ER than like a man desperately in need of their help. I hope that my anger with them can lessen over time as yours did. I know that it is not healthy and accomplishes nothing to hold onto this anger. In my heart, I just know that there were so many little mistakes and if one of these were fixed, Adam might still be alive. I do think that Adam was in denial. He was always told that if his condition got serious, he would not have a lot of energy. He was never that way. We went hiking and zip lining weeks before his death. I am sure he thought that he was young and was going to beat this condition. However, I find it so hard to accept that he constantly lied to me. He downplayed his condition, saying the medication he was on was fixing it. I trusted him. He never said that a heart/lung transplant would eventually be needed for him to survive. I also spoke to him after each of his cardiologist appointments. I was always worried and asked for updates. He always told me his cardiologist was amazed by his energy level and how well he was doing on his medications. This reassured me and made me believe we had nothing to fear. He made a choice not to tell me about the pacemaker. His heart was at 30% in January (two months before he proposed) and he didn't tell me. His cardiologist strongly recommended he get a pacemaker and he hid it from me. He knew that I would make him get a pacemaker and since he didn't want to, he hid the information from me. His decision to not follow his cardiologist's orders resulted in his death and mine. I know that I am still physically living, but the person I was is dead. The hopes and dreams I had for our future together are dead. I don't know how I can ever be happy again or how I can ever trust someone again. The man that I loved unconditionally and was so open and honest with, kept a huge secret from me. Now, I am stuck with the consequences of that decision. I have to relive his death each day, I have to miss him each moment, I have to box up our wedding items and cancel our wedding vendors, I have to say goodbye to our future and the children we dreamed of having.

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I can't imagine what you went through learning this shortly before his death and dealing with the consequences long after his death. You gave truly excellent advice. I have felt so guilty being mad at him. When he was alive, we only had two major arguments and he made it impossible to stay angry at him. He would calmly talk to me and then make a goofy face to make me laugh. Now, he can't apologize or fix this. He can't cheer me up. His lie stole that from us. I will take your advice and try to focus on all of the wonderful things that made me love him. I had a rough night last night. My bridesmaids were taking care of cancelling things for our wedding. Most vendors have been so understanding and willing to refund our deposits. The caterer and bridal boutique are another story. The caterer told my friends I should get legal representation even after they showed him Adam's death certificate and explained the circumstances. The bridal boutique told me I should try to sell my dress on Ebay even though I just ordered it, it hasn't been shipped or altered yet, and they can easily cancel the order. Money is the least of my worries right now, but as a Catholic school teacher, I am living paycheck to paycheck and now have medical bills from my grief counselor and trauma therapist that need to be paid. My mom was also recently diagnosed with breast cancer and has been unable to work (she is a teacher's aide so is an hourly employee). I would like to be able to refund as much money as possible to help my parents. All of this stress makes me even angrier at Adam for letting us plan a wedding for June when he knew how serious his condition was.

The support I have received from all of you is amazing. I truly appreciate all of your thoughtful responses. I may be going through the motions when I am at school, but the students and the work load keeps me busy. It is filling up the void that is my afternoon and evening that has become most difficult. Adam would always come to my house after work. We would cook dinner together, go on walks, go to movies, watch tv, etc. We had our own little routine and it was beautiful. Coming home from work and knowing he is never going to be there again is heartbreaking. I am trying to fill up my days with therapy and time with family and friends. It is exhausting, but it is better than staying home alone. Do any of you have advice about how to fill up this void? What did you do to fill up your days after you lost your love? I am still battling the anger. I have learned so much more about the pacemaker. It is such an easy procedure and would have prevented the episodes on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. It would have also let the doctors know that his heart was failing and he would have never been discharged from the hospital on Wednesday. I wouldn't have to relive the traumatic events leading to his death every day if he had this procedure and it might have even bought him time to get a heart and lung transplant. I know playing the "what if" game is not productive. I am just so upset that he looked me in the eyes after each cardiologist appointment and said everything was fine and his heart was strong when in fact his cardiologist told him he needed a pacemaker. He lied to me and hid information that cost us his life and our future. I trusted him completely and he was lying to me the entire time. Even if he didn't say something in April, he should have spoken up on Wednesday after the first episode. I don't know how to forgive him for this. I even took of my engagement ring yesterday because I felt like it symbolized a future that Adam promised but didn't do anything to protect.

Thank you so much for all of your responses. I have been browsing the forum and have so much respect for all of your strength and perseverance. I have no idea how you get through a day with this grief. The pain is unbearable. I teach fourth grade and have been back to work for a month. Before Adam's death, I was so genuine and enthusiastic about teaching. Now, I feel like I am faking it. It doesn't feel like I am being authentic and I know I am just putting on a show for my students. My students are amazing. They give me a lot of hugs and give me time when they see I am getting overwhelmed. I just don't know if teaching will ever feel the same for me. I also hate how people look at me. I walk down the halls at school or go to church and get those looks. I know people are trying to express their sympathy and being supportive. I can't escape his death. No matter where I go, I feel like this is part of my identity now. I am the teacher who lost her fiance.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. I was very careful in picking grief counselors and trauma therapists. Two weeks after his death, I scheduled appointments with two different counselors. The one I chose was recommended by a friend who works in the Hospice at Children's Hospital. I did a lot of research on them and my therapist and counselor (I am seeing two people at the same center) are very qualified. I am beginning Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing on Thursday. I should also mention some of the anger I am feeling. I recently found out that his parents were told when he was 12 that it would be a miracle if he made it into his thirties without a heart and lung transplant. They were also told if he ever had a syncope episode while sitting down (which he had on Wednesday and Thursday), it was a sign of heart failure. They were updated frequently when Adam was in the hospital, but never mentioned either one of these facts to me. If I knew this, I would have never let him go home. I can't believe his parents would remain quiet or seem so relaxed when they knew how serious his condition was. Today, I found out that Adam's cardiologist recommended he get a pacemaker. Adam said he felt fine and that it could wait. I know that he was afraid such a procedure would make me worry and wanted to wait until after the wedding. The fact that he ignored doctor's advice and took risks with his heart upsets me more than I thought possible. I told him long ago that any decisions he made, he made for the both of us because we were in it together. I feel that when he took a risk with his heart, he risked our future, and it resulted in this. He could have done something to prevent this, and chose not to. That is so hard for me to understand.

Hello! I lost my fiance, Adam, suddenly on September 7th. Adam told me when we began dating that he had pulmonary hypertension. He explained this condition and told me that he was taking medication to fix it and he would live a healthy life. I trusted him, saw that he took his pills religiously, knew that he had regular appointments with a specialists, never showed any signs of complications, and was always full of energy and enthusiasm for life. I truly believed we had a long future together and his conditions was under control. On Wednesday, September 4th, he had two syncope episodes in which he lost consciousness, turned blue, and became very rigid. I called 911, he came to before the paramedics arrived and insisted he was fine. I told him I was worried and he agreed to go to the hospital. The doctors were informed of his conditions and his recent episodes. They performed a few tests, reviewed his medical records from his cardiologist, and released him stating he was dehydrated and needed to increase his fluid intake. The next day, I left several messages for Adam's cardiologist because I was still worried. About noon, Adam had a very minor syncope episode and did not turn blue this time. I begged him to go to the hospital, but he said he wanted to wait to hear from the cardiologist. Finally, the office returned my call and told us the episodes sounded neurological. We were told to go to the Emergency Room and get a head CT. We waited for 7 hours in the waiting room and another 4 hours for Adam to get a head CT and a neurological consult. The doctors determined Adam was having seizures and wanted to start him on seizure medication. He was discharged from the hospital again. Friday, September 5th started out like the perfect day. We had breakfast together, watched movies on the couch, talked, I made dinner, and we both fell asleep watching TV. About 10:30pm, Adam asked if I was ready for bed. He stood up and headed into the bedroom when I heard him fall. He had three syncope episodes in a row. In between each one, he gained consciousness and said he was fine and didn't need to go to the hospital. I still called the paramedics. After his third episode, everything stopped. He wasn't breathing, and I administered CPR until the paramedics arrived. Adam was transported to the hospital and remained in critical condition through Saturday afternoon. His heart was failing. About 4:30 on Saturday, he coded. They worked on him for 90 minutes and then put him on heart/lung bypass. I was able to see him after that, and it was clear his body wasn't accepting the blood. Blood was coming out of his toes and eyes. There was also no sign of neurological activity. His family decided to take him off of life support. This whole situation has left me with so many questions. Why was he released from the hospital two times when his heart was failing? Why did his cardiologist, who knew his medical history, treat these syncope episodes like they were seizures? If he received treatment on Wednesday, could he have survived? Was there anything else I could have done for him? He was the most precious man in the world, why didn't the doctors take care of him? Did Adam know how severe his condition was or did it drastically decline in the last few days? I know I will never have the answers to these questions and the answers won't change anything, but I go over them each day. Ever since his death, I have constantly relived Adam's last few days. I always see him having an episode and turning blue, or laying lifeless on my floor as I administer CPR, or laying in the hospital bed with blood coming from his toes and eyes. Even when I think of good memories, I always come back to these traumatic ones. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD. I am beginning trauma therapy this week and have been warned it is very intense. Does anyone have experience with trauma therapy? I really need help. I have not met anyone who has lost someone so young (he was only 29). I feel like I am not only mourning him, but also saying goodbye to our future, the wedding we planned for June 28, and the children we were so excited to have. I didn't know everyday could be so hard or that this kind of pain was possible. In my heart, I know that Adam and I were meant to be together and none of this seems right. I have watched as our friends and family return to their normal lives, but still mourn for him. That is not possible for me. He was my normal and a part of every aspect of my life. I don't know how to function without him. He was such a good man and it breaks my heart to know that he will never have all of the amazing things we planned together. I don't know what to do. Please help!