annew

Thank you, so much AB3, sometimes it's just got to come out. Thank you for being one who get that. <3

Beyond all, the toughest part is just allowing all the hurt, the loss, the pain, the fear to be felt and not repressed. The more I squash it, the more it finds other ways to get out and be free instead of shoved back into the closet. And, I am a highly sensitive person, so this is going to be felt so deeply, whether I want to feel or not. Today, I dropped a small plate and here it comes the same feeling of being shattered all to pieces when he died so unexpectedly....and no way to put all those pieces back together, none at all. So the last three years have been an adventure in creating what I can from the ashes of what was. So far, so good. And I just cry now, not so afraid it will pull me under and completely destroy me. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. Thank you for being the hearts that hear and allow that. You are a real miracle....and though we have never met, it is so easy to feel your hearts. <3

Found this, hope it helps healing..... A PRAYER FOR THE OVERWHELMED Oh, sweetheart. Life is overwhelming for you at times, l know. Don't listen to the ones who call you over-sensitive or too weak for this world. Your sensitivity is exquisitely beautiful! But you must learn to stay close to yourself. You must learn to breathe. To invite curious attention deep into your body. Allow yourself to feel overwhelmed, and you won't be overwhelmed, I promise. It's just a feeling. A precious part of you longing for love. It will pass when it's ready. Let it stay awhile. Don't pretend to be strong, the one who has it all 'figured out'. There will be time for answers soon enough. Now, simply give 'the overwhelmed one' safe passage in your heart. Drench the feeling of overwhelm with gentle attention; bathe it in overwhelming love. It's okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes, it really is. Even the strongest feel overwhelmed, for their strength lies in their vulnerability. Your sensitive nervous system is perfect, and l love you for it. And it's all okay, here. It's really okay, here in the arms of the present moment. - Jeff Foster

Thanks, Marg...you make some good points. Going out was no big deal to us either, a trip to the grocery and cooking together was happy for me. So in cooking for me now, I still love that. Just miss the good company he was. He's still here, still in my heart and I can really hear him....and he is well now after ten years of escalating illness that really took us both down....My adult son is now my roommate and we both sit in front of the tube and share about the world events and some meals. I am very blessed he has been here or the breakdown with the loss might have finished me off.

I love the way the support for how we all choose to cope and live with grief shows up in this thread. Dr. L. and Patty, thank you for your support and you have wise words here and so does your therapist, Patty. I like what she said, it really is how I feel too. It's not painful to be still and with me and my higher self, The grief is it's own thing and I can do it now with less fear. So I will quit thinking I should feel differently than I do. Not looking for another partner, just maybe the kinds of friends you are being for me.

No, we cannot compare....I am naturally a home body....and cook for myself, which beats fast food hands down. Don't know that I will ever date myself, as it is companioship I really want when/if the time comes. I've got being on my own down...spend most time alone and work from home, too. I am glad of the support to do things in my own time and not push myself into what does not feel good....going in my own time always works much better and the reminders of that felt so heavenly. Thank you all for supporting and allowing me to be where I am.

Thank you so much, Maire, it feels so very good to be heard and encouraged.....I will be kind as I can and keep doing it....maybe I will be ready some day...

Thank you so much, Gin.....so good to say how I feel to those that really get and don't try to fix me....god, I hate that.

Awww, geez, Mitch.....what great and kind words of encouragement and support. I am so touched by your understanding of how loss works. Thank you so much for responding, you made me feel like I am ok the way I am and how I feel matters.

Hello everyone, It's been three years and it still hurts/makes me cry to think of going out without him. Every time I think about it, I start crying....even just to take a walk in a park nearby or take myself to dinner. I can't bring myself to do it even though part of me wants to. What has been your experience at this point....seems three years is a lot and yet it hurts so much when this comes up. I have done really well on all other counts with self care so far....may be slow but I am doing well. Thank you all for listening. AnneW

Thank you, Kay. I am always, always lifted up by your care and encouragement. You are a great gift in this group and I feel blessed by all you give.

Dear Insidious Foe........I have found it most useless to fight you. So go ahead and tear my heart to pieces again. I give up, if you kill me with pain, you kill me. You can take all my time and energy and the work I love, you can take all the joy. You can bring on more abandonment and loneliness beyond words. You can take it all as you know you have. I will never believe I deserve this or that it is my fault any more. One thing I learn from you is that enough is enough. If suffering is my life now, so be it. You can't destroy the love and if that is all that remains I will learn to know that and be glad of it.

I feel better emotionally...some. But now I am physically exhausted all the time, no stamina....a trip to the grocery can take all the energy for the day.....I really am not sure which one of us died. And the loneliness, my god, I have never been so alone in this life. I have no desire to go fix it, find others, be someone else I never wanted to be. And now, I find I need more empathy, compassion and love for me.....more comforting and nurturing and there is only me. I am very blessed to have resources, at least for a while....

Yes, I am listening Marty....when I finally get around to admitting to myself and others that I am hurting myself, I am listening. Feeling angry at me for repressing myself but not in a danger to myself way....just makes sense. Thank you for hearing, too.

I have to admit though the worst rejection about my grief really comes from me......I shouldn't blame others for not being there when I don't want to feel it, don't want to walk this road....resent it and blame it. So angry that I have to do this.....and that it takes so much out of me....I resist, it persists.....It needs love and empathy and I am pushing it away....and of course, that hurts more. I just don't want to feel all this any more. I am heartless to me.