My mum was 44, she committed suicide in February. Didn't make sense then still doesn't now. She had my son 2 days before and she was happy. There are sooo many reasons this doesn't make sense to me. A family friend committed suicide years ago and she always said how selfish it was and how she would never do it they way he did. She was planning a holiday that night, she was talking about my sons birthday, she arranged loads of stuff literally hours before. I wonder if she planned doing it the last time I saw her. It didn't seem like it, it didn't seem like goodbye. Its taking over me, its all I think about. All the time. It physically hurts just this pain I never knew existed. It hurts to look at pictures of her. I think about the moment I saw the police car pull up my drive, the moment I had to tell my 4 year old and the moment I realised ill never see her again. I'm angry at her, i'm angry at the world. I cant imagine having this pain for the rest of my life. I keep waiting for the day I accept it or the day when it doesn't physically hurt me but I don't think it will ever happen. She was my best friend. How can I accept something I will never understand?
