Froggie4635

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About Froggie4635

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 03/30/1962

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife
  • Date of Death
    12/04/2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Houston, TX
  • Interests
    My fur babes: Pongo, Hannah and Max; music, art, Pinterest. Am hoping as this journey continues, my interests will grow.

Contact Methods

  • Yahoo
    maryann7022@yahoo.com

Recent Profile Visitors

1,460 profile views
  1. Darrel, Welcome back and welcome to Houston...good to have you here. Finances can wreck havoc on our sanity, and trying to get people to correct their mistakes can drive us to that edge. Sometimes one has to step back and gather our thoughts and find our "center". Let us continue to be your sounding board, and know you are amongst friends here.
  2. I had NO IDEA how just completing this ONE task has affected so many other areas of my life...some good, some creating more adjustments. I actually LOVE driving and am so very comfortable with the day to day driving I do, so much so that I want to drive somewhere instead of going home. I continually push myself out of my comfort zone by driving to different areas and getting into more traffic. I have finally gotten my MIL to accept that I am NOT going to call every morning and every evening. Of course I now am responsible for paying for all the gas, even though I seem to get a lot of mileage out of each fill up. One of the things that is beginning to surface is aspects of grieving that I did not really deal with because I was spending so much time (in person and on the phone) with Mark's mom. I find I feel more anger now; anger that is not necessarily directed at any one thing. I no longer am feeling under the thumb of my MIL, so now it is ALL ME and MY feelings. I am feeling more emotions bubbling just under the surface, especially when I witness anything that has to do with couples...weddings, engagements, anniversaries. Now that I am with just me more, I can begin to feel the aloneness. I don't mind being alone; have always had a small circle of friends. I was alone for quite a few years before I met Mark and I am settling back into that. The difference now is that if I am tired of being alone, I can jump in the car and go be with people. I now have more choices, and that creates both pros and cons...especially for someone who hasn't enjoyed making choices and decisions since Mark died. Every so often when driving to work in the morning, I can hear Mark saying, "you're doin' it". It's funny how losing the most important person in your life really takes away a lot of fear. I've been through the worst thing that could happen and made it. The one thing I was afraid of doing, I conquered it. I'm not ready just yet for any new challenges. I have been off kilter for most of this month, between having so much time off, and having to disassemble my office and my sanctuary because we were getting new carpet. I need to get everything back in place and get back in my routine before I am ready to take on anything new. But, like Mark has been telling me...I'm DOIN' IT!
  3. Decided to take advantage of the wonderful Houston weather, and the Passover holiday and take a few vacation days. I have already painted my front door a beautiful pansy purple, erected my rooster artwork creation and I just took down the blind in my bathroom (Mark had put this up the first Christmas we were in this house), and "frosted' my window with vinyl coating. It is going to be time to add new plants, since it has gotten too warm for my favorite pansies. I have had to deal with mice, I chased them from the house by spraying a mixture with peppermint oil and water around the doors. I haven't seen any evidence of them lately. I have a couple writing assignments to get underway for the Grief Diaries book series. My brain is more on projects around the house, so creative writing has to wait. I don't seem to be able to be creative and project completion minded at the same time. At work we are going to be getting new carpet, so that meant a lot of boxing stuff up (and we had no AC because they are replacing the chill tower) before I went on vacation. I had to take down all my decorations and pictures in my cubicle. Will have to think about refreshing some of them when I set it up again. I got through my birthday, so I don't have anymore events or holidays to mark until fall. I still have that feeling of anticipation (with no real event to anticipate), and it is kind of affecting my focus. I met with Rabbi Jill to find out how to approach a conversion. I let my guard down and lots of feelings came flowing out. It could take between one to two years to complete it.
  4. Not sure where to put this post...last night while watching "Long Island Medium" there was a father looking to get a message from his son that had passed. Something that was said really touched me and made me start to cry. He was told that the reason he wanted to spend so much time with his son during his life was that somehow his soul knew he wasn't going to get much time with his son. I always felt that way about Mark. I ALWAYS wanted to spend my time around him...not only because I was in love with him so deeply, but that somehow perhaps I knew that he wasn't going to be in my life for very long and I wanted to get in as many memories as possible. There are times I feel terrible that I took for granted that we would have YEARS and years to be together. I know he left this world a contented man.
  5. Anne.... Thinking of you today. Hope you can feel the hugs coming here from Texas. Maryann
  6. Dear AB, I am not sure where I fall in the age range of the forum...I just turned 55. I don't feel like a young widow, but like you I did not have the number of years with Mark so many of our posters had with their spouses. Mark and I met in our 40's...first marriage for the both of us. We had learned what we did and did not want in a relationship; we were both very cautious at first. But it was an almost immediate feeling that we REALLY clicked. Both of us had been waiting our lives to find that one person who "got us". We did not quite make it to our sixth anniversary. We had made all our plans and decisions on being together for a LONG time. We kind of knew that we wouldn't celebrate a golden anniversary. Now that he is gone, I don't think much about the future. Just like George said, I don't think my heart could handle thinking about the coming years without Mark. I am coming up on 28 months he has been gone. There are many times that it feels like no time has passed at all; but then I wonder what has happened to the last 28 months? I read some of the articles and books written by young widows; most times they have children to take care of...I have our three dogs. I can't lose my life in them. I am sure you have had your share of people trying to encourage you to love someone else because of your young age. Of course I wish I would have had more time with Mark; he brought so much sunshine to my life...but it is a waste of energy to wish for something I cannot change. I think that is where some of my anger comes from...wanting something that I CAN'T have. I try not to think about it too much....but there are days it rears its TRULY UGLY head and it takes all my strength to work through it. All you can do, AB, is feel your feelings and stay in the present. You have many people here that can relate to your struggle.
  7. One can NEVER truly know what is around the next corner...I never expected to find my husband in a Yahoo chat room 11 years ago. When I gave it a try and went through the process of creating a profile, and it spit out some pictures of men...I suddenly felt really guilty and then I knew that I was still so very much in love with Mark and it wouldn't be fair to me or anyone else to try. I need to learn to comfortable with myself and my loss before I try and include that in a relationship.
  8. Thanks, Kay. That kind of sums it up for me. There have been times that I haven't responded to phone calls (I only have a cell phone and I don't always keep it where I am) and when I see she has called FOUR TIMES in a matter of a few hours and I call...she is close to crying because she was SO afraid something was wrong and was going to drive over and check on me. I then feel bad because I did not have my phone near me and did not get her call. But I am busy at home. I have three dogs and a house that needs tending to. My attention span is terrible, so I kind of flit around from project to project. The only person that I got used to bringing my problems to was Mark and now he is not here. So I have to learn to work through things myself. I can't do that with someone hovering. And if I proceed with the next change I am looking to make, she will REALLY have a hard time with it. I am contemplating becoming Jewish. I feel Jewish by osmosis, working here at a Jewish facility for almost 15 years. I wasn't raised with any sort of faith. I do know what I am not comfortable being around, and going through this loss, I feel something missing and a desire to fill that void. It was a whisper the other day that caught my attention, and that whisper turned into a desire to learn more about it.
  9. Ever since Mark died, I have had contact with his mom almost daily. If I am not in her presence, we talk on the phone. Part of it was necessity; she wanted to be my ride to work. I know she wanted to "take care of me" in whatever way was possible, and I appreciate all that she has done. But I have never really had a chance to stand alone in my grief. We all need support, and someone to listen. But her and I never really talked about grief much at all. We talked about Mark, which I loved. I like any opportunity to hear his name or be told a Mark story. I know I am the strongest connection to him for her. Now that I have gained my independence (and really enjoying it), and have a strong need to stand alone and come out from under her protectiveness. Part of me believes I haven't shouldered the full brunt of my grief just yet, or am I misguided? She still wants me to call her when I get to work, and when I get home...and I am beginning to feel a bit smothered. Is that wrong? I do not know how often she called Mark, but I know when she asked him to do something, he jumped and did it. She kind of wants to mother me, and I am having a hard time with that. Do you think my relationship with her has been a crutch of some sort? Mark and I used to joke about creating a "married to the Muellers" support group for all of us who married into the family. I just feel this strong desire to stand on my own and face grief. I have had so much support this entire time from friends and co-workers, and of course from Mark's family. I just feel the need to step out from the protection.
  10. When I was involved in a loss of spouse group a while ago, I left it because at the last meeting I attended, one of the wives said she was already out looking for someone; that she spent time at bars and wanted to find someone. I left the group because i didn't want to stand in judgement. I personally felt that was wrong...how could she be crying and grieving and mourning her husband and looking for a replacement so soon afterwards. I don't have anyone pushing me or asking me if I was dating again. It would be none of their business if I were. I tried getting onto a dating site; even created a profile (though not completely). But before the hour was up, I went in and deleted it. I wasn't ready. I may NEVER be ready. It would not be fair to get involved and have someone give me their heart, when my heart STILL belongs to Mark. As I have confessed to those who are close to me, I am still very much in love with my husband. I think dating would really confuse me, and I would probably talk too much about Mark. I was alone and on my own for over 4 years before I met Mark. I went out and met men, but it never worked out. I really enjoy my solitude, especially now that I am beginning to work on a writing career. It has only been 27 months since Mark died. To some that sounds like a long time, but it's not. I am just gaining my independence now that I can drive myself where I need to be, and have more grieving to do. I have been spending part of almost each day with Mark's mom since he died and haven't really had time on my own away from here to grieve. I know that sounds weird. She has always been there in the background, so I haven't really been on my own two feet alone to grieve. I have noticed a lot of anger coming out when I am frustrated, anger like I have never had in my life before. Working through all these relationships and feelings, it would not be possible to look for someone to share my life with.
  11. I consider myself a pretty competent person, but I too will look something up on the internet. Mark was like a walking encyclopedia. He was so smart and had so much knowledge in his brain. When I begin to attempt something that would have fell under his area of expertise (which was a LOT) and I begin to struggle, I get REALLY mad and angry because I HATE struggling with something. When I am doing something as simple as cleaning (here's a laugh for you George) and it turns into a Three Stooges event, I have literally taken a broom and slammed it to the ground because it was the only thing that did NOT fall over. Patty, I am so sorry you have all this to deal with....and I know what it feels like to not have that rock to lean on. Mark's advice was what I relied on and trusted in. Just having someone who has your back at ALL times; it can't be replaced. It's funny though; when we think we no longer have any fight left is when it comes on the strongest.
  12. Dear Cookie, I found myself getting emotional during the interview; probably because I haven't told the story for so long. But like you, I have gotten conditioned to no longer show all my emotions at work or around people I don't see too often (Mark's family). It doesn't mean that I don't miss Mark or that I have stopped grieving. There are plenty of triggers that poke at the hurt. The other day, a thought entered my head that I wanted a picture of Mark and I holding hands; never had an official wedding shot of our hands and rings. Well, I found one shot of us saying our vows and I zeroed in on our hands, cropped it and enlarged it to print. Before I knew it, I was sobbing....something I haven't done in a while. That's not to say that tears do not flow regularly. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, okay? Coming from someone who is SO VERY hard on themselves, you are where you are supposed to be.
  13. I have felt the same way. I think it is one of the reasons why I was not scared when we had the recent bomb threats here in our facility. I guess part of me doesn't believe it would happen, but also part of me would see it as a way to get to be with Mark. We did not have any children and although some family and friends would mourn my passing, it is just kind of a waiting game right now. I find things to occupy my time and go along in my life. But Mark was my soulmate and I still feel like a huge part of me is missing. I am not sure why I did it, but I felt the need to find a picture of our hands; we never had an official one done when we were married (Mark was a mechanic and he didn't like the looks of his hands). Well, I cropped one from a photo when we said our vows. I started sobbing when I saw it. I miss being able to touch his hands. I think about finally being able to once again be with him. Even if I were diagnosed with a serious illness, not sure how much I would fight it. I know I am still here because I have a purpose, just as we all do. People say losing someone you love should teach you to appreciate life...well, actually experiencing a sudden death should REALLY teach you that; here today, GONE just like THAT. Some days it is easier to appreciate and be grateful; it isn't an everyday occurrence. Some days it is merely marking a day off of a calendar.
  14. It was a good experience. Our conversation lasted just about 2 hours. It was amazing how emotional I still got talking about Mark's loss. A good bit of it was opened questions and Erin was a GREAT listener.
  15. Never mind the idea. Just delete the thread. I guess I will just venture over to Widow Village.