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About scba

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    my boyfriend
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  1. for more than a year I have been behaving in a way of trying to protect my broken and vulnerable heart to be broken or hurt. I avoid situations when this could happen, for example, I decline wedding invitations. I don't date also for that reason. I will not risk my heart in the state it currently is. I cannot stand another trial. I have enough with what I have. And of course I am still in love and my standard remains pretty high. This was his mistake. I had the best to me.
  2. I have signed up too for next week. The last time I told someone about my loss story was Jan 2016 when I told a co worker that I was a widow. Her reaction was strange, and later I knew that she spreaded the news everywhere in the office. I never talked about it again to new people in my life. I'm in a different job now, but my colleagues don't know of it and have absolutely no idea. They may think I'm a spinster cause I never talk about going out, meeting guys and what 30ers do. I will keep it this way as long as I can. Most of my cowokers are women, and many of them do gossip. My love story will not be subject of gossip.
  3. There is such an abyss between my Old inner self and new inner self that my brain plays this trick for that I must have made up my former life. Was he real? It's been so long since the last time I saw him. I must be crazy
  4. I understand what you mean, Gin. It is a very hard road and so painful.
  5. I have been reading emails from 3 years ago, when my boyfriend was in hospital at that time. Myself writing that things were going pretty well and soon he would be released. Telling my friends about our holidays plans and maybe wedding for next year. I cannot recongnise myself, was it me the author of those? I am so different now. Was it me the one who was hopeful and optimistic? My soul still cannot fully and totally believe this happened, he died weeks later for God's sake! HE NEVER LEFT THE HOSPITAL AGAIN! We never got married, never went on holidays and the following year I was a not married widow. If this is not trauma, what is it? Who I was before all of this? Just letting this out,,,,
  6. My personal view: I believe in the after life, yet I doubt it is a forever state of peace. I don't believe we are alive because there is a purpose to be filled, and when it is filled or my mission is achieved, it is time to go. The human history doesn't work like that, from my point of view. Biologically, neither. I believe in God and probably He has a plan and knows the sense of each life. I am saying that His ways cannot be aprehended by our human framework. So sense, mission and reason are concepts that cannot be applied to God's work in the same way we conceive, understand and applied them as humans. Again, This is all my personal opinion.
  7. Then I would really be alone and have to think. I don't want to think alone. And there is my problem and my answer. Marg, I understand. I could live alone, but I'm sharing the appartment with my millenial sis. Just to have someone to talk to when I'm back from work, to ask for an opinion about trivialities. We do the best we can to keep floating. We are swimming in the open ocean. Hugs
  8. Your family is in my thoughts.
  9. Cookie, Marian. How it went? I've sent too an email to Erin asking info about the research.
  10. Brad, May I ask which kind of questions they made? Was it conducted by phone?
  11. From Tim Lawrence blog: "I've experienced the first time too many times now. Every time it was a s*** storm of confusion and pain and longing and oh-dear-god-how-the-hell-did-this-happn. It didn't get easier. Only I didn't die. The bleeding just kept on coming. At the same time, there was one overwhelming experience that was always present with every loss: I became consumed with a surge of love so strong it nearly wrecked me. This was an aching love, the kind of love that rushes up throughout you, desperate to burst. Its intensity shatters you to your core, because you can't give this love anymore. Your loved one isn't there to receive it. The greatest gift in your being doesn't have a home, leaving this love to collapse inside of you with nowhere to go. This is the kind of love that doesn't feel good at all, but is necessary for your survival. This is anything but easy. It doesn't feel like there's anything to learn, you may have no sense of redemption, and no matter how grateful you may feel for the time you had with them, you're pissed. You want them back. And you have every right to"
  12. I'm so sorry Kay. My condolences. this grief family embraces you with confort and love. Hugs.
  13. I'm stuck in love with someone I can't have. No one can understand this except for everyone here of course. I lost my entire fiance, his family, and the few friends I had and everyday I feel like I'm in a totally new world living someone else's life, which is not too far fetched. (Me too.....) . I tell that I died too the day he did. Everything we had, we ment, who I was, dreams, all is dead to me. I am living two lives 2.5 years later. One for the outside, one in the inside.