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About scba

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    my boyfriend
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  1. Dear all, thank you so much for your kind messages. I feel less alone and more understood when I come here, although lately I haven't been active in writing as much as before. I'm going through so much having gone back to therapy. It's hard, it's been too long without talking about, dealing my grief by keeping it hidden and sut up. My thoughts are a mess and I cry a lot during the sessions cause it hurts, cause the guilt is still there, cause I want my past to come back to heal this wound, and etc. Today I mentioned the reasons why I would like to visit the city my boyfriend and I lived for 5 years, and I didn't mention HIM the reasons (like "visit the cementery, visit our old house). I used "MY MY MY" and no "OURS". When I took notice of that, I started to cry so much, as if I have been in denial and ignoring our life together. I told my therapyst that I have no one to talk about and when I do, I try to look as if I'm "moving on". It is so hard cause I don't know what is going on, no matter how many articles and posts I read. I don't know what my brain is doing, what it means. Am I forgetting, cancelling, denying, burying? What the hell is all of this? If I'm not crazy, I wonder what crazy must be if this is actually not crazyness. My book of reference says that in grief, you should get used to land mines spread here and there.
  2. All in all, It is not fair...
  3. I must have been a bad person "before" and I am worse person now. My only single friend is dating. She told me by chat. I typed an average reply and started to cry. I was not happy for her, I felt worse for not being even glad about. I am still crying. I felt I have finally been left alone in the "I am alone too" cloud. It was hard for me to date, build a relationship....somehow I was waiting for someone else...,and I met Him, I felt safe in my relationship, belonging to a certain club (how stupid is that! But I was young), and quite happy in knowing how much sincere love we had for each other. We were ment for each other. I know you understand. I have found my royal prince, my true love. I felt blessed. I felt safe. I felt beyond...I could not believe I have that men by my side, he surely existed and we were together! But it is in the past. No more present. No more future. I don't understand the lessons to learn through grief. I don't accept my grief. Why it is me who has to be strong, compassionate, accepting, looking for meaning? This cannot be of any good. It has been 3 years of tears and unhappiness. I am crazy, I am a horrible person, I will never achieve a higher state of understanding and peace. Surely this will kill me later. How can I live with grief? I don't want to date. I don't want to love again cause I love and want my boyfriend!!!! God, send him back. You don't need him with you. In the early days, I read books about Holocaust survivors, looking for clues from those who were in real hell. In Frankl's memoir, he tells the story of a young girl, she tells him that she had been a snob pretentious girl before, and she is now being taught a lesson by being in the camp. I couldn't understand why she thought that way. But then I read that God must know what is the best for his creatures. Is grief and loss my best? All I wanted to do was to save my boyfriend and keep him alive. Why do I feel we have been punished? I know feelings are not facts Will I ever feel glad from my friends good news? I am sorry for writing this whole thing, I am having a pity party here. Tomorrow I am starting therapy with a new counselor.
  4. My aunt and uncle were separated, were talking about divorce. He died. She grieved,she told me. But she also told me: "life will reward you". She lend me a book "Learn to say goodbye". From the outside, it seems she has a better "after" life (she is a rich widow, she owns the state, she travels around the world, hapy children and grandchildren, and there is not a single picture of him in her I wonder...). I don't have direct knowledge about divorce and its grief. What I've heard from divorced people is that, in the end, they acknowledged getting divorced was for the best. My two cents.
  5. Marita, I loved the pics from your horses.
  6. I think that some people link being in a couple with loosing your individuality and independence. And when you are left alone, now you have time for yourself. I found my self when I was with my boyfriend.
  7. Marg, I so understand. I could be your grandaughter, I live very far away from you, yet the same situation about "those who don't understand" happens to me. I still have my friends, but I don't talk to them about my grief and my past life. Last time I did, months ago, reply was: we all have suffered a loss. None of my friends is a widow. I am thankful about that. I Still, I cannot wait 40 years to be understood. So I stopped talking. My What's the point, I wonder, to keep trying with people. I quit, I got tired, felt worse, felt guilty, I rarely got an inch of understanding. I isolated myself on that and got trapped in a double life. Yet, I have survived this too. We all do. Thank you.
  8. I only talk to my counselor about Grief and my former life. Last time I mentioned It to someone, face to face, was last January. I like your sentence about the flames. I will use it. It will scare people, but it is not a lie.
  9. Hello Marg, I'm glad to reply to this question! A law from 2013, says that sons are requested to visit their parents frequently and attend to their "spiritual needs". In some chinese cities, like Shangai, this law goes further in stating that parents could take their sons to court if they fail with that. However, the real application of this law is difficult. What is "frequently". In a virtual world of this century, what is "to visit" and "spiritual needs"? What about sons that live in a different city? So far, there haven't been cases of sons going to court or to jail for failing to comply with that law. So It remains a moral rule To look after parents and elderly people, which is a strong tradition in China and other countries like Japan. Where elderly people are shown much more respect than in western societies.
  10. Dear Butch, my thoughts are with you.
  11. I suggest this article I read today. Change names, pronouns and your relationship with the deceased. I think it powerfully describes grief. Ps. I haven't watched Jackie yet. I think I will
  12. I'm sorry Mitch that you feel this way. The majority of people do not reply on online forums, Ie. your post has 200 views. So yes, your posts and everybody posts falls on deaf ears, if we stick to numbers of replies. On the other hand, the kind of interaction and feedback you may need, which is fair, may not be possible to find on a virtual forum, for its own nature of being a virtual platform. Have you thought of complementary options, ie attending an in person grief group or a writing group? (See Megan Devine's writing your grief group).
  13. I personally feel I (myself) will never find a meaning in this. The reason "because we loved" doesn't seem enough to my brain. I still remain puzzled at the whole meaning debate. Somehow it would be much better and benefitial to find one.