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About scba

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    my boyfriend
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  1. My thoughts are with your family.
  2. Mitch. I'm so sorry. I had a meltdown a big one yesterday evening. I had a crisis and I yelled "please take me where you are!" I wish I could give you some advise, but we are navigating the same stormy waters and I don't know where this ship grief is going. My hope is that, as there were regular-normal-better days before, they will be back. So far, my life feels with no purpose but to make time pass the "best" way under the circumstances and not to worry my family. It feels like I am fooling myself everyday.
  3. Thank you everybody for your compassion and support. I'm doing better. About meaning and purpose, I suggest Frankl's Man's search for meaning: “An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning “Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.” ― Viktor E. Frankl “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” “Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning “Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.”
  4. I have come to visit hell this night, feeling the ultimate loneliness and the deep roots of my soul wound, as if it were the first day. Tonight I had a major grief episode and following breakdown. I don't know how I will forget this episode and what caused it. I've realised how alone I am, I have no one to call and tell about what happened and how much pain I feel. I spent hours weeping and not knowing who to call. I called nobody. I am going to bed with my heart in million pieces. If this pain from the soul is not hell I wonder what could it be. On Monday I will put my mask and go on with a lie that everything is ok, cause life goes on. After all, tomorrow is another day, Scarlet said. Yes, he is gone. None of that would have happened if he were alive. And for the first time, I felt he left me alone and behind.
  5. Yes, George I agree with what you say. I could rephrase and write: what to expect in terms of being sort of familiar with the feelings involved. But I have no clue about grief evolution. I am closer to year 3rd and I don't know what will happen, if anything will happen, with grief. There is lot about year1 and year 2....little about year 3. I fear "new challenges and new discoveries" coming from this journey.
  6. I bought just two books about grief, from Marasco and Shuff, and C. Faure. I used to read lots of articles in the early days to "understand" what was going on with me and what to expect. Now I just read Megan Devine's regularly and others ocasionally. I've reached a place where I already know what I am dealing with and what to "expect".
  7. "That day I learned no lessons worth learning. I acquired no experience that could benefit anyone".
  8. Kay, I had a similar experience with a huge thunderstorm 4 days after my bf death, the day when the cremation took place. oh, tears coming!
  9. I feel the same about each thing that is in my new life. I notice, I acknowledge, it ends there. Feels like living on the surface of things and nothing gets deep inside of me. Nice life! "What are you doing?" "I'm fooling myself"
  10. I am wearing a mask, and sometimes I feel confused cause I think that I AM that mask too. Who is the real me?
  11. My heartfelt condolences
  12. I have been receiving news from pregnancy, marriage proposals, new awesome relationships, plans for amazing trips in Europe, plans to decorate new homes, invitations to go clubbing cause we need to have fun. I'm glad about all of my friends news, plans and excitments. And I am sad for myself. It hurts. I try to be strong but I cannot keep up the mask for too long. I make no further questions about the subject and I just limit to congratulate for the news. Will I ever be strong enough and insensitive to all of these? I wish I were 70 80 years old. The 30s are the time to be happy, as many of you were too. To me, the 30s meant the end of the dreams I dreamed. It happened too soon.