Jon_McSwain

I lost my father to cancer in 2008. My first child Erik died in utero at 20+ weeks on Jan 22nd 2010. Mother, cancer again, Easter Day 2013. My second child a daughter Lydia, premature birth, lived 3 days; died Aug 23rd 2014. Sister, cancer, November 2014. Wife left me 2 months ago after she attempted suicide twice, once on my birthday and the second time on Christmas day both 2014. I...had to be strong for the family during my fathers death. Then strong for my wife for our son. Strong again for family with mothers death. Strong for the wife again for our daughter. Then for the family once more after my sisters passing. I have never cried for any of them. Have to be strong. Be the rock for everyone, the shoulder to cry on. The anchor. Now it seems, as I sit in this empty house, that my armor was an illusion. It's tarnished, or worse yet is made of aluminum foil instead of the steel I imagined it to be. If it ever truly existed at all. I have slowly became more and more distant. Less emotionally present. Effectively driving a wedge in the relationship with my wife. In all of my relationships as a matter of fact; truth be told. Now....The world is gray and flat. The things I used to enjoy bring no pleasure any longer. Books and movies have no meaning. People are things I avoid...family and friends....I have no contact any longer. I have to deal with people out of necessity now. Work....I sit and eat alone, head down throughout the workday not speaking unless necessary. I have to eat, so I have to go to the store, in and out as quickly as possible. I vomit anytime I have to leave the house, because I know I will have to deal with people. Eat, sleep and repeat. Day in, day out, no purpose. I don't believe in suicide, not a religious reason....personal ones. It is a chore to live, painful, but it seems that that is what life is. Pain, again and again, with very brief moments of ....peace maybe. I have no support system. I was the support system. I simply need to get these words...feelings...out in some form or another. For any who may read this, thank you for letting me get this out of my system. J.M. 07/04/2015