MegB

Jame57, Thank you for taking the time to reach out. It is truly difficult. I thought about speaking to someone, but it's not what I see for myself right now. I have great support system within my family. In due time I will start moving on. I journal sometimes when I need to get something off my chest. I am very sorry for your loss, as well. To the support and encouragement is so nice. I have a great support system with my family, but I it's nice to hear from those who are not biased and just share in the same feeling. I think the all the grief is coming from so much love that we shared for each other. I was the youngest child and mom adored me very much. I appreciate all your words of encouragement and for sharing as well.

Suitearia, Those are wonderful ideas. Recently I purchased a shadow box and used the lace from the dress she wore at my wedding as the background. I have the picture of her zipping up my dress wearing her dress, one from when she was young and one from when we did travel sports. I feel like there is something missing so as I think of things I put it with the shadow box and eventually when I feel it is perfect I will arrange it and hang it in my loft. She had a special place in my stepson's heart and for Christmas she had bought him a frozen blanket. Every night he sits in his chair and has me put that blanket on his lap. It's the small things that make me happy and sad. I am very sorry for the loss of your husband. The way that you are able to carry him with you is incredible. You sound very strong in your beliefs and how you honor him each day. I will work on doing those things for myself. I want to move forward, because nothing can change what has happened and moving forward is what she would have wanted. I have a family that depends on me and care about me. I truly thank you for your words of advice.

KayC, I am so sorry for both your losses. I know it can't be easy. Christmas was our favorite time of year. I put her tree up last year and she gave me a little tree to put in the loft for my little boy and ornaments that she had from my childhood. I am very lucky to have been able to have those moments and for her to give me something that I can put up to honor her during Christmas.

I talk to her often. I know exactly what she would say, so it's like I can hear her because I still remember her voice and laugh. I never thought to pray for her. I can always try. It scares me a tad knowing that she was ready. She was talking to her grandmother the morning of the day she passed. Those were her last words. We had to give her morphing from all the pain. How does he reach you? I have never had this experience and not sure I have put enough thought into it. Thank you for reaching out. I really appreciate the words of encouragement. It's been really tough. I have become estranged from her side of the family since she passed and her boyfriend has been vengeful. I had to seek counsel. I am glad I got her to the hospital. Her boyfriend would have never let me know she was fading. I thank god that a friend of hers reached out to let me know the severity. I relied on her boyfriend and he did everything to keep things from me, keep me out of there home and turn my mother against me. It was really bad. I know she was upset and I know she couldn't do it anymore. The stress was wearing on her too, but she loved him. Whether it was healthy or not. I am trying to get through my year of firsts. The worst has been Mother's Day. I won't get her phone call on my birthday in Auguat and then her birthday coincidentally is in October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The month I will dread two years in a row. Do you do things on holidays or special days to remember Ric?

It has been almost 4 months since I lost my mother to stage 4 metastatic lobular carcinoma of the breast. I am 26, newly married, and I was ready to start a family of my own, but the experience of losing my mother was so traumatic I haven't been able to even start moving forward. I feel like I'm going crazy. I haven't gotten quite used to the fact that she's not here. I still have to put thought in to remembering the day that she passed to remind myself that she's gone. My mother didn't even make it 9 months after her diagnoses. The shock of losing her sooner than I anticipated weighs heavy on my heart. We had so many plans for the near future. I wasn't ready to let go. The signs were there, but she never wanted talk about it. She had dialysis 3 times a week and the chemotherapy treatments were getting closer together and more aggressive. Then the chemo came to a halt. Her body just couldn't take it anymore. I had her admitted to the hospital the Thursday before she passed. She was beginning to sleep even more, couldn't carry on a conversation and was too lucid to understand what was going on. I rushed home to her in the emergency room. I had a friend of hers take her in while I could get her away from her boyfriend who had been verbally abusive and neglecting her more and more as she got sicker. The night she passed was probably the most unexpected. We had come to the conclusion that hospice was the next step. After waiting all day that day for a doctor to come visit it wasn't until about 845pm that someone showed. After about a half hour conversation we piled out of the room for the nurses to hook her back back up to an IV drip of fluids and within a couple minutes she called us back in because it was her time. After a few minutes and then her last breath I ran out of the room to cry. I couldn't look at her laying there lifeless. It was something I had never before seen in my life. To look at the woman who carried me for 9 months, who rocked me to sleep as a child and shared many laughed with as I got older, it was hard to come to terms with. I feel a lot of resentment for the times we didn't speak. It wasn't until about a couple months before she found out she was sick that we started speaking again. Throughout my early 20s she had lied so much to me that it was hard to have a relationship. Never could I have ever anticipated that she was going to die in order to prevent the things that I now regret. I know we were in a better place when she passed. I haven't been able to move on from not being there more while she was sick. I hope she knows how much I loved her. I wonder if she knows I did everything I could to make her last days easier on her. We didn't have the best relationship, but when she needed me I was there, no questions asked. I think about her every day, I wake up dreaming about her and a lot of the things that I do remind me of the times we spent together. A lot of people say they receive signs from loved ones who have passed. I am not sure if that happens or things that happen often are just a coincidence. I can't say I have had this experience, but I do see a lot of things that remind me of her that are things that we had in common. Maybe this is how I learn to move forward; keeping her memory alive in things that we shared.