kiwilou

Thank you Marty, that really makes a lot of sense and is very helpful.

Thank you everyone for your kind words of support. Since Isabel died I have found it is often the "little things" (like the incident I described) that are the most hurtful and I know everyone here really understands that. As an update: I did indeed explain to this person how her comment made me feel. She was extremely gracious and apologetic in her reply and in agreement that maternal instincts will inevitably override theory. I still feel conflicted on the general principle though. When someone is crying, surely some gentle physical touch or offering a tissue for their tears is a sign you DO care? Or should I be listening to them without interruption and convey non physically they have my undivided attention? I ask this because for me if someone listens as I cry but offers no obvious signs of comfort, **I** feel uncomfortable and am more likely to cut short what I am saying in order to minimise their discomfort.

Thank you so much Marty, your reply is comforting. My daughter and I have, and always have had, an easy loving trusting relationship. We are close and this shared sadness has brought us even closer. Since Isabel died we have both cried so much, both together and alone, that for me to comfort her when she was crying was basically reflex. She continued on with what she had been saying so I don't feel I curtailed that at all. The article you sent to the link to is also very helpful helpful. Should I let this go or somehow explain to the person that it was not a helpful thing to say?

My daughter lost her first baby, Isabel, and our first grandchild, suddenly and unexpectedly one day after birth. This was only 2 months ago and so we are shell shocked. We were visiting a relative yesterday whose 11 year old son died 25 years ago. She immersed herself in all things Elisabeth Kubler Ross at the time and it gave her a lot of comfort. She works in the Health Sector and considers herself an authority on many things! My daughter was crying as she was sharing a few of the details of Isabel's death and I instinctively moved across the room and sat down next to her, putting my arm around her as she continued talking. I had noticed as my daughter was crying she had been keeping a good distance from her even though they were sitting on the couch together. The other woman told me later (privately) that I should not have come and touched my daughter. That if someone is talking, by physically touching them it "stops/shuts down the grief." I was stunned when she said that as I had presumed a loving touch would open people up to expressing more emotion as they would feel "safe". I am expecting my natural instincts will always override an analytical and theoretical source. Does anyone have any information on this EKR theory? I just can't seem to let it go and would like some advice.