Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Dave58

Contributor
  • Posts

    20
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Son
  • Date of Death
    7-23-2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Ashburn Va.

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. Every once in a while in my sleep, I can hear her. She was from England, British accent. It's so clear, like she's right there. I see kids taking a walk with their Moms around the sidewalk of my house, knowing one day they well have to say goodbye. I also have a greater respect for older ladies, when I do see them, shopping with their daughters in the grocery store. Their daughters are with them, helping them. I never had kids myself, or ever got married, or any really deep relationship, other than with family. I wonder what it well be like when I reach that age, if I do. I'll have nobody other than nephews. People don't realize how precious their Moms really are till they leave. It's a unique relationship that goes to the heart of being a human being.
  2. There really isn't much I can say, it's been said here so many times before. We are all going through one of life's most difficult challenges. Life throw's a lot of unexpected things at us, and there is no preparation for it. In my case, it was expected, my Mom was 93 and in home hospice, just didn't know when, or what it would be like after. Now that it is all over,and she is no longer here, everything is strangely different. Yet we are all going through the same thing. What I read you say, is what's happening to me. There is no pill you can take to stop the grief, pain. This is my first year, 8 month's in. This well be my first year without her. As the seasons change, the life that loved and gave me so much is not a part of that change. At the same time, logically speaking, as Spock would say, from Star Trek, "Captain, it's the natural order of the universe,of life, it's a life to learn from, to grow from, to celebrate. Our bodies at some time well decline, the vessels of life that allow us to be here. I to well someday pass. Yet I well always remember you as a good friend Jim, and in our next existence, be together again." Kirk would say, "Enough of that non-sense Spock, would you just please give me the tricorder readings!" It's a shame my hero, James T. Kirk, is doing sleazy lawyer commercials! But that's life right? HEY, HANG IN THERE MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS! It's tough tough tough. I'm doing the best I can, we are in this together. If I can. well lend a helping hand. Hang in there man.
  3. It's going on 7 months for me.One thing I try to remember is that both my Mom and Dad lived on after the passing of their parents. Theywere there for me when they had to deal with their grief.Learning from this experience for me calls into question more about the natureof life itself. Since my Moms passing last July, I've reached out to those I've had a falling out with and apologized for whatever I did or saidthat offended them, regardless of whoever was right or wrong, it didn't matter anymore. One day my oldest brother well be on his last days, I'll want the peace of mind knowing that despite our past disputes, I reached out to him, appreciating his good points and what he had done for me in my past dark days of life. Like what someone said on this thread, make your Mom happy knowing that your 'trying' to live on to the bestyou can. I also have days where the grief is very hard to come to terms with. But it does fade, every time you make it, you can become a little stronger.
  4. Lost My Mom last July at 93 in home hospice. Some days I can go on just fine with my new life, others deeply in thought of all she and my departed dad did for me to be here where I am now. I always open and close the curtains in her room every day, say good morning to her. I always try to remember/understand that 'she had to leave'. Her body was spent. Had her funeral at Arlington National Cemetery, her urn was placed in a vault with my dad. After we all came back to the house and watched a power point presentation of pictures of her as a child to her in the urn. I feel like I'm coming to a new understanding of her as a person, what an amazing person she was, outside of just being my Mom. It's a learning experience. I also have a deeper sense of humility and feeling of compassion for other people. Knowing how fragile and rare the everyday is, not taking it so much for granted like I use to.
  5. When I saw "Africa", it took me a second to get it. Yeah I see what you mean.
  6. It seems a common thread, though we are all different people, we experience the same realm of sorrow and grief at loosing a parent. I well maybe over reach here, not understanding the logistics and finances of your situation, your Moms particular condition, but what I would do is have your Mom come live with you. That maybe impossible, I don't know. You could have a home hospice company help you and in home health care people who come during the day to take care of your Mom. What a better way to help her and to be with her family in her remaining days. The cost of a nursing home and or assisted living is as you know quite expensive. You could cut that in half or more by her living with you. Of course it's also up to what your Mom wants as well, maybe she would not want to burden you that task, I did it, it's not easy. Having endured it myself, it is the one thing that helps me knowing that I kept her at home and as comfortable and safe as possible. My Mom would not have lasted long in a nursing home. She needed a lot of care and reassurance, even more as time went on. I was by her bedside and helped her pass. I would not have wanted her to die alone or with a stranger. It's a tough decision, but time runs out, then it's to late. My Mom lasted/lived a year at home in home hospice. I'm glad now that I did it.
  7. Hey Tom, I've had dreams about my Mom since she died last July, but in my case they were more about how deep my connection was with her and how her life was so important to me. The old saying, "you never know what you had till it's gone" is a profound truth. I think the love that runs deep is sometimes unnoticed in day to day goings on. But when that person is removed from your life, how much of a connection really become apparent. My Dad died in 2005. I've had dreams about somehow he came back to life and was living at times with us and others in his own house. What strikes me about those dreams was he was a completely different person. His personality was very different, more subdued, quiet,unlike how he really was. Being by my Moms side when she passed, it made me realize that at every moment, we are all fighting to stay alive, though we don't notice it. Our bodies are constantly trying to stay healthy, repair itself, our immune system always trying to protect our life. But at some point, like in nature, our bodies naturally shut down. At that point, people can be suffering from the physical pain and fear of the unknown. But it's a natural part of the life process. Though I wish she was still here, I understand it had to happen, she had to leave. Her body could no longer support her physical existence. I would imagine the relief she must have felt getting out. Dreams are really powerful experiences.
  8. We did get a lot of help from hospice, they did make it easier. They supplied us with chucks, a hospital bed, medications, social worker, nurse, doctor visits.She had to be re-certified every 3 months for medicare to pay for it. What they didn't do is supply 'information' about what I was in for. Like in that linkI posted, if I had that information a head of time, it would have made it easier for me because I had more of an idea of what was happening. I had to figure it out in real time. I never knew for instance that I was 'helping my Mom to die as peacefully as possible. I was trying to make her live as comfortably as possible. I had no idea of the process of dieing. They should have explained that to me from day 1.
  9. The day my Mom died, she was in 'death rattle'. I didn't know what it was or what was happening. I called hospice and of course they told me to give her morphine andanother drug that helps with breathing. I didn't know that she was dieing right there and then. They sent out a nurse to help. Shortly after she left, my Mom died. The next day, still being in shock, I talked to the clinical manager for my Moms case and asked her what that was, the gurgling sound she was making and respiratory distress. She explained that her kidneys had shut down and the liquid in her lungs made that sound. What got me was why they didn't give me any education before hand on what to do and what to look out for. I had an intense email exchange about this with them later and they assured me they were going to make changes. I found this website that has all the information I needed to know from day 1 of her home hospice. http://kokuamau.org/resources/last-stages-life If you are a caregiver or know of someone who is, please let them know about this site. It explains it all very well.
  10. Sorry for your loss Sallie. My Mom was on home hospice, they gave me a box of drugs for her, including liquid morphine. When I called them about a particular problem, they always told me to give her morphine. That used to really bother me and then got them to get Tylenol 3 with codeine. The times she had pain, I gave her that instead. It doesn't sound right, what happened. Could be she was so weak anyway, the morphine was to much for her to handle. Some of the drugs the doctor prescribed made her unable to swallow walk and talk. I tried the best I could to give her the minimal amount of drugs recommended.
  11. My oldest brother had POA as well but was MIA during the last few years of my Moms life. He could have swooped in and had her put into a NH, and threatened to, as he put it in a rather nasty letter to me "liquidate her assets and put her into long term care". He wrote this complaining about me and thought "at some point I won't be able to handle this", taking care of my Mom. I had limited POA, and thought that i did have medical POA but didn't. That's a terrible thing tricking someone into a NH. Man that is bad karma. My Mom had her falls. Nobody was going to tell her don't try walking without someone there. Once she fell in her bathroom, hit her head on the door frame and was bleeding down her face. She ended up getting neck fractures from that. Celia, if you don't mind me saying, destroyed is rather a harsh word. I would say 'contributed' to the events that lead to her passing. You did the best you could. Thanks for the kind words. My Mom was in the WAF(Womens Air Force) during WW2, stiff upper lip English woman! She was a class act her whole life, faced down every tough situation that came her way. Never turned her back on anyone and even faced her decline the best she could. I remember one morning she woke up and said "I thought I was going to wake up dead"! She was so happy. She new the end was coming and did the best she could.
  12. There is a lot there. Sorry about your Mom. For some people, there Mom is/was their greatest friend and Allie. When that person leaves, it's like starting over again.I can't speak to the complexities of your situation other than relating it as I can to my own experience. Sometimes the connections you thought you had and enjoyed with family disintegrate as time goes by and as circumstances change. The death of my Mom last July completely changed my friendship with my next oldest brother, it was like he became a different person. I saw a side of him that shocked me, and this was on top of just loosing my Mom. I understand that feeling of being lost/alone. That's where I'm at now. I'm trying to repair my friendship with my oldest brother now by having open and frank discussions about our family history. My family from back in 1990 is not the family of 2015.I am less fearful now, and less afraid of dieing myself. Knowing that the end comes to all of us, why go through life being 'afraid' of living? I don't go on facebook or twitter or any social media for the reasons you described. There is something dark and twisted about it. If you don't mind some advice, at least for now stay off of it. You don't need it, and it sounds like it's just complicating an already complicated situation. Try to find yourself and some inner peace. I have a method I use that does that for me, but it requires daily effort. I think at some point in life we come to a juncture that is new and different, like nothing we've ever experienced before. For me it's hitting the 're-set' button and starting a new from today. There is a concept in eastern philosophy called 'ho-nim-myo' (from this moment on). The past is the past, all that is real now is this moment, and we can create a new future. Easier typed than done of course. Hope maybe this helps a little.
  13. "But all that was needed from my sister was a bit of compassion and love instead of bad attitude." Exactly how I felt about my brothers and sister. Though I did get some support from my sister, none from the oldest and other hardly anything. Aging and dieing are one of the most difficult times of life for people. No one wants to think about death or how to care for difficult to care for elderly people. I had 2 home care agencies that I worked with. One day a new girl showed up and seemed unprepared and dis-shoveled. She couldn't find the number to clock into with the agency. They use the home phone to clock in. She was struggling through her purse, papers, I was like, what is going on? You don't know the number? Then she asked to see the patient. I showed her into her room, the first thing they do is see if her depends need changing. So I left. In about 5 or 6 minutes, I heard her cry out. I went in there, she was holding her leg up in the air for some reason and was frightened by this lady. She asked me not to leave. As the day went on I could see she wasn't taking care of my Mom and making her comfortable. I asked her to leave. It seems there are a lot of West African women who do this type of work. Some of them are very stern and cold. They just don't care and are putting in their time. I understand that they don't get paid all that well and have to put up with a lot of abuse, and it's not their Mom. Here's a pic of my Mom with the 2 care professionals we used for over a year. Both had their strong points and offered my Mom friendly conversation during the 7 hours they were here.
  14. My Aunt, in England, who was really my only supporter during the last year of my Moms life, had a fall in her home. She lived alone for the most part but did have help.The stress of the hospital visit and what they tried to do to treat her was to much and she died there. She was 90. When my nephew from England called to tell me,it was like having the rug pulled out from under my life. She was my only true Allie. She used to call every Sunday to talk to my Mom because international calls were free.I was getting no support from my Brothers or Sister, it was all on me. It was a lot of pressure to be under and her care was totally my responsibility, it was a heavy burden. I also had a hard time finding the right 'in home health care ' people. We went through about 9 of them before we found the right 2. And even then, one of them was getting a little to complacent and sloppy, was late a lot, and I had to replace her. Though my Mom could not see, she was still well aware of the peoples disposition, vibe and character. It's not easy finding people who really care about their work and the patients they take care of. Some of the nurses that came weekly didn't even say hello to her when they came into her room, and talked about her like she wasn't there. I found health care professionals who were like that to be somewhat distant and cold. But Celia, you were able to keep your Mom at home. You should feel really good about that, that should be something to hang onto in remembrance of that experience.
  15. One thing I noticed is that my Mom was frustrated at slowly loosing her independence. I think any of us would. They want to keep on going on their own.She had a few bad falls as well. I just couldn't convince her to not walk around without me being there. At one point I got her a portable toilet next to her bed so she didn't have to walk to the bathroom at night. She lost most of her sight a few years before as well. Going to the hospital for an elderly person can cause an enormous amount of stress. That can be what does them in itself. The home hospice company I used offered a service where they would take her in for a few days to give the care taker a break. But I knew that it would frighten her not having me around and cause her undue stress. As much as I needed a break, there were times when I thought I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't allow her to undergo a potential stressful situation. There were days I was a total zombie from lack of sleep, days on end, because I had to keep going into her room at night when she was anxious. The last 7 months or so we were using Seroquel to help ease her anxiety. But it took a while to figure out the dosage. I'd have to crush 1/4 25mg pill and put it in a banana with a touch of honey. She would eat that and be just enough to make her feel relaxed again. Some night's I'd have to do this 2 or 3 times. When I went to bed, I never knew if I would get any sleep, never knew what kind of a night I'd have. There was a constant sense of tension, I could never relax. When she passed, there was a sense of relief mixed in with the grief of the loss. I felt like Frodo Baggins at the end of "Return Of The King", last of the Lord Of The Rings movies where he was on that boulder and lava was coming down the mountain and rocks flying through the air. It was finally over, that constant tension was gone. But then came what I have feared, her being gone and would I be able to handle that. There have been a few times where I came close to loosing it, hanging on by a thread. But having a source of spiritual renewal, a life philosophy with a understanding of death and the eternity of life, has been the only thing I've had to hang onto. Watching your life long best friend die right in front of you was really hard. But in my case it was to be expected. I can't imagine how much harder it must be for people where the death was not expected.
×
×
  • Create New...