Celia58

Dave; yes, maybe "destroyed" is too much. She had been in tough situations before and managed to get out of them. She even said that she was going to get through this, and if she didn't, one day she had to go. I guess she took the decision that if her body was still worth taking care of itself, then it was OK. And probably the body was, this time, not so strong and couldn't cope. Your Mom's disposition sounds like mine: a fighter. Maybe there was an underlying medical cause that developed; during the previous weeks, she had spoken on some weird things that happened, e.g. leg cramps, coughs, chess pain (she attributed to her back after she was working 1 afternoon with the plants). I told her to check them out, but didn't think they could be lethal. The 1st time she fell, she said there were some bread crumbs on the floor and she slipped. Who knows, maybe she had a mini-stroke or just got dizzy and didn't want to admit it. She was saying all her body hurt, but at one point she mentioned that she hoped that she would "recover the use of the leg". I tried to get details of what she meant but she was unclear, just said it hurt when she walked. I asked if she could move it (thinking of a stroke) and she said yes, so I figured it was from the fall, or from forcing to get up (which is also a possibility). And the events that lead to the 2nd fall were even more confusing, she started ranting that she didn't have a cell phone (though she had a wireless) but never got to the bottom of the reason, either with or without intention. That's why I keep telling myself that if she had not fallen the 2nd time, she would have not died that Saturday. But who knows what had happened next. Even when she was OK (that is until the last week) she would take unnecessary risks, e.g. take showers when nobody was around, go to the balcony to take care of the plants and I am sure she didn't take the phone either. She said it was too big, but I said put it in her pocket and then leave it on a chair. Anyways, she lived by her rules as much as she could and died by them. Even if I wasn't going to allow that she was placed in a NH, probably she would need some more supervision and that would limit her freedom too. With the last caregiver, she told me that after lunch she would rush her to take a nap, even if my Mom didn't want to. She said the caregiver wanted to get rid of her so she could watch TV. I am sure she didn't want to add to that. Who knows, maybe if I get to be 92 one day I will understand her behaviour; that's what she used to answer when she would tell me that she had lived too long and was tired and I would go ballistic trying to keep her interested in life.

Indeed Dave, your Mom looks lovely despite her situation; she probably could feel the care from these 2 ladies as well. KayC, my sister didn't tell my Mom directly, she told me. But my Mom knew she my sister felt about nursing homes from comments she made about her friend's parents, most of which were placed in nursing homes. Mom also knew of this couple whose kids went to school with us; the wife started to have dementia and the husband had a heart attack but was OK otherwise. They lived in their house and could pay for their care themselves. Unfortunately the daughters had power of attorney and 2 of them tricked them one day saying that they were taking them to the doctor. In fact they took them to a nursing home and left them there. The man died not long after. I thought it was like kidnapping someone, let alone that they kept/stole their parents money once they were in the nursing home. But my sister didn't see it that way. That's why my Mom was terrified that she would be taken to the hospital for a check-up and if things were not OK, she thought she would be shipped to a nursing home right after. Silly on her part if that was the case. I wouldn't have allowed it even if it meant to have a fight with my sister. And Ceili, my Mom was stubborn too and couldn't see herself failing. When she fell the 1st time I asked her why she didn't wait for the caregiver, she was just a few minutes away. She told me:because I wanted to stand up on my own and couldn't. Sure to try, but if she couldn't there was no need for the extra effort. The same the 2nd time, she was in the bedroom, she could have tried to stand up once or twice but when she couldn't, she could have covered herself and just sleep. She grabbed the pillow after all, the closet was at arms length as well as the clothes she had been wearing before going to sleep. Go figure, to me it was pride and stubbornness, and it destroyed her.

The hands on would have been my sister's duty, since I was not there or, when I was, the caregivers would take vacation. Unfortunately I doubt my sister was doing too much of it except checking if the house was clean. She had already said that if Mom didn't get along with the new caregiver, she would be placed in a nursing home. I told her that that would not happen. I doubt my sis ever asked how the caregiver was, and I doubt my Mom would tell her of any concerns. Mom told me of a couple but she said they were under control. However the last conversation we had before her death, she said a lot of things I was unaware of. Nothing of the abusive kind, but some things that showed that the caregiver was not very empathetic or patient. Evidently her care and her quality of life and even her passing would have been better if my sister was on Mom's side, but that was not the case even if i spoke to her many times about it. Why the relationship strained is a mistery to me, my sister's arguments didn't make sense. I don't want to get mad at my sister because she is the only significant family I have but i feel that somehow she robbed Mom of a little bit of her enjoyment of life and lifespan, and robbed me of having her. I suspect she would tell me that I should have moved back to my country of origin if I wanted that. But all that was needed from my sister was a bit of compassion and love instead of bad attitude. I tried to fill the gap but I know my Mom suffered about this. I guess at one point her failing body and the perspective of what was to come was too overwhelming. I also feel that she didn't trust me in that I told her many times nobody was going to send her to a nursing home

Indeed it is not easy to find the right caregivers. I don't think my Mom had a good relationship with the last one. Unfortunately she came recommended by someone who has worked for my sister for years and my sister, I and even my Mom trust that lady a lot. But they never worked together, they know each other from school, so maybe she doesn't know how she interacts with the elderly. I asked her about the last days of my Mom and she said that she was OK, that she told her to call the doctor and that she could stay overnight (as the agreement was). I don't fully believe her. Sure about the doctor, but why would my Mom say no to staying? The lady who left in December stayed for the weekend when my Mom fainted that time. I don't see why my mother would refuse, unless for the fear that my sister was going to find out (we were both paying for the caregiver). But my Mom could have paid her for a night. Her last day, my Mom said a lot of not very nice things about her, like the day before she had vomited and the caregiver was only throwing her some paper to clean herself. The woman says my Mom didn't vomit. I had asked my Mom many times if she was OK and I could notice in her voice she was not too convinced but said "she is a good person but with little patience". I suggested to change and my Mom said they were all the same. When I called the day after her 1st fall, the caregiver answered and I asked how my Mom was, and she said that everything was OK, then passed the phone to my Mom. I found it at the time very annoying that she would say that, considering my Mom had fallen the day before. That's why I wasn't to keen in calling her to ask what was going on, because I thought she was either not too sharp or she was going to take the easy way out. Later on the, caregiver said that my Mom basically took the phone from her, but the other caregiver had ways of telling me that things were not so good, like hesitating in her answer, rather than saying "everything is very good!" like this one. I think my Mom thought that if she started falling like that she would need 24 h care, and that anguished her more,probably.

Hi Kayc. My Mom only accepted help when she broke her hip 3 year ago. Before that she had a lady who would come each 2 weeks to clean the apartment. I had already told her she needed someone a few hours to help her running errands but she said she was OK. After the hip surgery she needed 24/7 but when she recovered, the weekend caregiver just took off and my mom was quite happy about it because they didn't get along at all. She said she could manage. The other lady who was with her for 2.5 years Monday to Friday was quite good to her and they got along but then her husband moved back to their country and she left too in december. Unfortunately we couldn't get a full time replacement that could be trusted. My Mom was hesitant at the beginning thinking that she was going to be alone at night so many days, so we were going to continue looking. But then she said that actually she preferred someone just during the day. That proved to be a mistake, too. But I asked her if he was sure and she said yes. Anyway, last year she fainted while the full time caregiver was in another room and hit her head against a bookshelf. So being with company doesn't mean 100 % safety either, although for sure it's safer. Anyway, that time she refused to call a doctor as well and she only did so 5 days later because she was tired of me insisting on it. She prohibited the caregiver to tell the full truth to my sister which was that she fainted 4 times that day in a matter of 1 h (she told her she just fell). Later on, she had studies done but nothing came up This time I unfortunately couldn't convince her to call a doctor

Dave58. What you have done for your Mom speaks volume of the kind of son you were, and she must have been proud of you My Mom also had a portable toilet from the time she had hip surgery, and I told her to put it in her bedroom after the 2nd fall. Of course she refused. Although I will never know exactly why she fell the 2nd time, I suspect that she was feeling better so she did not want to use the cane that she used outdoors and that she was using since she 1st fall the day before. She said she felt overconfident because she was feeling better and made a mistake. The more I think about it, her death looks like it has written "fear of lossing independence" all over. So sad, I think she wasn't there yet.

Hello everyone Thank you very much for your words of support and for sharing your own, painful experiences, and your unbiased point of view. And for the love you send. I am sorry for your losses as well. At times I feel I am not the only to blame and get angry at my Mom. She was very stubborn too and did crazy things. Like taking showers when there was nobody around the house. I guess that in her mind, she felt she could still be independent, the same way she was adamant when she wanted to get up the 1st time she fell, which was minutes away from the time the caregiver arrived. That is why I think that the 2nd time she fell and could not get up, it must have devastating for her and just gave up on life . We think of alternative scenarios and happy endings but it is true that, had she gone to the hospital, the outcome could have been the same or worse. Still I can hear her voice of despair and frustration that Thursday and that, and my questioning, won't go away easily. But I see that I am not alone having those feelings, and hope that in due time you and those with similar experiences, can be kinder on ourselves.

My Mom passed away in late July. She was almost 93 and overall her health was good. She lived at her home but after a broken hip surgery she first required 24/7 care, then she had a 24 h caregiver from Mondays to Fridays but she left and we could only get a replacement who would come during the day Mondays to Fridays. She was supposed to stay overnight whenever my Mom needed her. I live very far from my Mom, in another country, 16 h flight. I had a good, though not perfect relationship and I deeply cared for her. I took time off when she had the surgery, I would call in the weekends and talked for hours, I would go to visit about a month each year. My sister lives in the same city as my Mom but their relationship was not that good during the last years. My sister would provide material and economical help, as I did, but not much else; would visit a few minutes on Saturdays and on special occasions. She had an attitude towards my mother and I tried in vain to tell her to be kinder. She believes the elderly belong to a nursing home My Mom died of a heart attack at home on a Saturday . Looking at it this way, it is not a bad way to die. But my problems relate to the days before her death, when I failed to see and/ or act in her best interests. I called her on Tuesday evening and she told me she fell that morning, and tried to get up but didn’t have the strength. She said she misstepped. The caregiver was about to arrive, so I told her there was no need to strain herself. But she said she did it because she wanted to get up alone. She said the leg was hurting a lot and I told her to call a doctor and in the meantime (since she was alone) to ask a neighbour to give her a hand with supper. She refused. I thought of telling my sister but considered it counterproductive (my Mom had forbidden the caregiver to tell us that she fell, especially my sister; I found out by chance because I called that Tuesday). I called Wednesday morning and she said she was sore, I told her to ask the caregiver to give her a massage but I cannot remember if I reminded her that the caregiver should stay if needed. I called that night again and she told me she was feeling better. I felt relieved. But when I called her the next evening, she told me she had had the worst night in her life. That she fell again, when alone at night, in the bedroom, that she fought to get up and couldn’t, until her strength gave up on her and fell asleep “like a dog on the floor", that she was cold (it is winter there although the floor is carpet), and couldn’t call anyone because she didn’t have the phone with her. She was really distraught and said that she was “good for nothing, look of what has become of myself”. I was broken-hearted, speechless, numb. I asked how she fell and she said that because she was feeling better, she “was careless” but I couldn’t get out of her exactly what happened (I spoke recently to the caregiver and she didn’t know either). The caregiver found her in the morning and helped her to bed and brought her hot food until she left later that day. I told her to call the doctor and she said that she was going to get through this, and if she didn’t “one day I have to go” (but she had said that many times). Again I did not tell my sister even if I had a feeling that something bad was going to happen. The next day (Friday) I had a day trip but I called her as soon I got to destination. She seemed OK, I told her again to call the doctor and she said that she just needed to rest. Later on, I thought to call her before returning home (I was arriving very late) but I was afraid that, if she was in bed, she would get up and fall again. So I called on Saturday morning. My sister was there and she said my Mom had not gotten up for breakfast and told her what happened that week and my sister said to call the doctor and she told her not to, because that would be an excuse to send her after to a nursing home. They started arguing. I tried to intervene by phone. My mom said not to worry, that she would not be a burden for too long, that she had lived long enough (again she had said it before). I told her that we cared for her and she said I did but my sister didn’t. I tried to mend things up and for a moment things got a lot worse until I told them to bury the hatched and show some love to each other instead of conflict. Things calmed down, my Mom went to eat something, and my sister said she thought at one point she fell asleep, but then continued eating. She said she was going to check on Mom Sunday and I thought to myself if it wouldn’t be too late, but said nothing. My sister said she ate well and then went to bed. I called later than afternoon as I always did on Saturdays, and my Mom was gone. I know I failed her. Every decision I made that week was the wrong one. My Mom trusted me and my opinion, although she was very stubborn and would probably had done what she wanted. Nevertheless I failed to tell my sister because I did not want a confrontation about the nursing home, but should have dealt with that if the time came. I am pretty sure I forgot to remind her that the caregiver had to stay overnight if needed. We could have called the doctor even if she refused. I was very worried but didn’t act with urgency. She didn’t have to fall the second time had I done something. Even on Saturday, I got involved in an argument I never wanted to. Things got so confusing that instead of dealing with the important issue (her health), it went on a tangent. The physical strain and stress of being unable to get up, the cold (apparently she grabbed the pillow but not a cover/clothes) and the argument on Saturday was probably the perfect recipe for a heart attack. Now I have to live with that, now I have to live knowing that I contributed to her death, the death of the person I loved the most in my life. Outside myself I continue with my “normal” life, but each time my mind is not occupied, it drifts to those last 4 days my Mom was alive and all the mistakes I made that precipitated her death. I know I couldn’t predict the future, that maybe the end result could have been the same or worse, that nothing will bring her back, that I had no intent to harm her, acted on what I thought was the best and that she would hate to see me this way (she said at one point she was more worried about me than her). But the fact remains that, had I done at least 1 thing right that week, she shouldn’t have died that day.