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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Recent Profile Visitors

2,711 profile views
  1. Healing

    I agree with you, Ana. I have only spoken to one widower whose wife died in 1998. While he was one of the most content people I have ever met on all other fronts, when we talked about that he totally got it and so compassionately that I could tell him anything and he understood and empathized. He was so validating. It showed me it stays with you forever no matter what the world sees in us. He even still had hard times on weekends because like most couples, that was WE time. It having been almost 20 years for him, he had perfected a way to stop letting the world dictate his feelings and learned what I am slowly doing to not talk about it with anyone who hasn't experienced it or those that have that just want to compare scars. Sadly he moved away, but I learned so much about it never ending. I don't like that, but I'd rather live in the truth than chase some pipe dream of total contentment.
  2. Healing

    The only thing 'special' about being alone is how empty it is. I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined this feeling.
  3. Healing

    Mitch, you blew my mind waking up to this. I was laying in bed thinking about today and thought about the coming days after and what I had planned. I've used a lot of words to explain this to myself and others and it is so simple. I had to get up and get thru another day I don't really want to live. Because it isn't living. It's just getting through it knowing it repeats again and again. I'm surrounded by people living life as I used to. Laughing and doing things that matter to them. I just watch it all happening from a dead zone. Nothing but memories of when that was me/us. The simplest of things but important to us. i have 3 doctor apts. over the next week. I now tell the docs that it is so unimportant to me as there is no one to share in making my life better. I often wonder why I go, but there must be some spark buried for inate survival (because it sure isn't coming from desire to feel better tho maybe if I did I could adapt better - hard to make the distinction from a depressed mind) or I just tire of the symptoms. I have some serious issues too. But motivation to tackle them is so lacking. one of the hardest things I deal with is the sheer redundancy of the day. There are no variances unless it is a problem that requires attention and those used to be something we tackled in day to day life, together. When you are alone, there is no one there that creates I variances in the day by their ideas. It's like living the same page of a script over and over. I've changed timing of some things around but it doesn't really help. I'm just mixing up the loneliness. The outcome is the same. Warriors? I dunno. As Tom said, I feel more like a ghost in the world now. Not really noticed. Not involving myself in much of anything for lack of fulfillment as it was. Just going thru the motions. I had my social things outside of here. Steve filled the mouse with his energy and music. It's so damned quiet it's like being in solitary confinement without the locks on the door. I can do anything I want. But those wants have disappeared. What I want I can't have. People think we get used to this or should. I haven't yet and wonder if I ever will.
  4. It seems like all losses now are super intensified. I am losing a resident I have been close to where I volunteer and this time it is harder than the others, 4 over 23 years. I am so beaten down by loss that I don't even want to go there anymore, but if I did that my only social connections would be counselors and doctors. Hardly warm and fuzzy. Tom, I have a woman in my life I barely consider a friend that I need because if something happened to me she is the perfect person to take over care for my dogs. Otherwise she is toxic for me. It is so very hard to see her sometimes as she always seems to have a dig about something in how I have to live my life now as she thinks she knows how she would handle losing her wife, her dogs, her whatever. It's all very practical and not based on the reality if those things happperd. Or maybe it is. Maybe she will be a 'better' survivor'. I look at their relationship and see it is very different than the ones we have here. They do so much less together and she never talks about love the way we do. I really am in no position to judge, but it is a gut feeling. Losing you friend is profound. People on the outside don't get that we respond to loss much differently now. It isn't just a cleansing if they are bad for us because we lost our closest friend to fall back on. It shrinks what world we have even more. I don't know how old you are, but I have found in my 60's and back in my 50's that finding friends is hard. People are settled into thier lives, usually quite comfortably if there is no tragedy or they have family or other established friendship support. If these people want to call it self pity, so be it. I call it loss of more human contact we the living need just like everyone else. We live with the largest loss there is and I tire of opinions and imagined reactions to the real thing. Choice of words does show others true colors and they sadly do not even realize it....yet, if they ever do. Words are so powerfrul and impossible to unhear.
  5. Being a smoker myself, I can only say that taking on quitting when you are trying to adapt to so many changes as it is for us in grief would be a losing endeavor. Even my doc, before he quit, said don't even try. It's one of the hardest things to do and only anothervsmoker would know that under the best conditions.
  6. I cannot believe what that PA said to you! My gawd. Young or not, that was so inappropriate and cruel. I'm nearing. 3 years into my journey and if anyone invalidates my feelings they see a side of me I never knew existed. It's like we have to fight FIFA the right to be devastated by the biggest loss we ever will face. Recently I sought help on medical issues and filling in the grief effects was met with....that must be hard. No sh*t. People may not understand it because they haven't experienced it, but that is no excuse for lacking compassion.
  7. To top things off, the guys that come over every 2 weeks (my only visitors) cancelled tonight because ones brother just died. I feel like death is hovering all around. If I was paranoid, I'd think I was a magnet. I also feel so bad that I am thinking of me before the people it is happening to. Maybe we get a little too compassionate because we know how they feel unlike others around them that won't. Or we just raw all the time. Even watching movies where a character dies I think....those people that loved them are in for a long painful journey! I have extreme depression and grief. They are intertwined but I know grief trumps the depression. I can sometimes escape the depression briefly, but never the grief. People can recover from depression, but grief is everlasting.
  8. I wish I knew some comforting words, Joyce. Thinking of you as I do every day. 💖
  9. I went to the nursing home today. Really didn't want to, but being around others I am not a stranger helps a bit. Unfortunately the resident I am closest to is in rapid decline. I've never seen him this bad and the nurse told me she thought his time was close. I knew by what I saw anyway. After 23 years I never get used to this. Choosing to work there does mean friendships will usually be shorter obviously. Now I have to prepare for the time he will be gone and how I will fill those when he was vital and we had fun together. Funny thing about grief and its anticipation now, I went numb to what I saw as it wasn't really a shock, but it didn't last long. Within 2 hours of being home and as I write this, the sadness of another void rips at my heart. I've never sought friendships there, but as with our spouses, they happened and you don't want to pass them by. soon I will have to go back and try to remember how I filled that time without him. I've done this 4 times before. People I had gotten close to for years. I often wonder why it happens and I think it is because of their attitudes to mortality and appreciation of their time left. I know that when Steve got sick I saw the same change in how he viewed life knowing it was finite.
  10. This will always be OUR house. His car will always be HIS car. Our restaurant is OUR restaurant. I don't speak in the WE anymore and that is the hardest part of this. Now when asked what are WE going to do, it is what am I going to do. I hate it. I despise it. People are always telling me what THEY (with thier partner) have done or planned while I'm trying to figure out what's the point of cleaning up, eating or making any effort. The loneliness is insidious day after day. Before he died, I would find myself at different places and want to look around to tell him about it. Now I conclude my business and head straight to my car. It's not like I will be spending any time at new places being built around here. It's sad because there irs some fun looking places we could have experienced together. Being around all the people that are having fun is just too hard rubbing it in. There are many things I did alone when he was working, but I got to tell him about it. So I'd. Be doing something alone to come home to the emptiness. Oh, and the TV I now have as my companion. Even the dogs can fill the void much. Thier needs are simple and then they go to sleep or play with each other. It's tough when you don't even feel you fit in with them because they are happy.
  11. I haven't had someone say I'm handling this better or I seem OK, but I do know most everyone I am around probably sees it that way because by my own doing, I keep the horrid pain out of conversations or greetings. The how are you ones. The few times I have said more I either get that pity/relief it is not therm look or worse yet...advice. I briefly mentioned it to a friend of Steve's and a reply to an email (saying things were same old, problems breathing, pain walking, and missing Steve so very much) he sent about how he is drowning in all his social obligations and choices. His response was.....'sounds like you are staying miserable. I do hope you find a better way soon, the old paradigm just ain't doing it it for you'. I just sat and sobbed after reading it. I don't know if I would find it 'complmentary' or invalidating. My counselors say I am doing a great job considering what has been thrown at me lately, but I don't feel that way. But they acknowledge the deepmpain as well. i guess we just have to take a look at what we project to judge what people say. Or in some cases like the above, realize as always the person has not one clue of the reality of this. It definitely cuts deeper when the person knows us rather than those wishing you a good day at the store to which my mind is saying silently....yeah, right.
  12. I must have a rebellious Dell. It's finicky and at the worst times.
  13. I think Marty's advice is good, as always, to have to educate her about what it is to be a widow. I'm sorry you lost your father. We all have our own styles, but I don't hold back my feelings from anyone. They either honor them or I stay away from them. I know with her being there, you can't do the latter. She needs to know what this has done to you. I hope she will be receptive to an issue she has not experienced. My best to you for the week and hopes she will see this is not something she can make any judgement on for lack of experience. 🌺
  14. Just curious, MG, but is your mother a widow also?
  15. Low key is the best. There really is nothing to celebrate. My heart goes out to you, Kevin.