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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Recent Profile Visitors

2,168 profile views
  1. You and me both about being angry, Marg. Death crushed hope in my world. I hate being alone. My anger at Steve has passed, but there is a rage inside I don't know where to focus it on. The derailment of my life tho I knew this couldn't last forever? That I can't find meaning after 2 years? That I am getting older and worry how I will handle it by myself? That I wake up everyday wondering why? I don't feel Steve listening either. He is gone. I had 5 years to get prepared, but you really can't. A childhood friend told me last night my new mantra is.....this is it. This is the reality. We were independent people together, but he was the only 'egg in my basket'. So the things I still do feel meaningless and those are all I have. She said I had the embrace the emptiness to find a way back to a life. I agree, but it's a damned hard road.
  2. I think this is all good advice. Maryann, has anyone spoken to your MiL about counseling on her own for losing a child? People can help each other thru grief, but your and her paths are vastly different.
  3. This is a case of the grass looking greener. I wish I had someone real time to talk to about the grief beside my counselor. I have to tone. It back with others. They weary of it, I know. Especially after 'this long'. I understand your wanting to be alone too, Maryann. It's a conundrum. How do we find a balance? Your MIL lost a child so I understand her needing you. You have become the bridge. You both lost the most important person in your lives. Fo thise if us without kids that call or visit, the isolation and loneliness is pure hell. There are a couple of people that call to check in on me, but I know it's with limits. This grief thing is so tangled and like a smothering web at times. What to do and not. And none are wrong or right. I watch everyone struggle because there is no guidebook. We just keep walking a path not knowing what the next turn will be. mine now is why I keep volunteering except to kill time. I have lost that feeling of altruism. It changes everything. I want to feel I make a difference and even if I do, I can't feel it right now. I go because sitting in this house would intensify the depression. Yet, while I am there, I don't want to be. But I come home to emptiness too. The biggest ever. It's a no win right now. That creates such anxiety and feeling trapped. I'd give anything to feel something mattered in my life. It's all just doing for doing. How huge the change is not being able to just converse with our partners about the little things as that gave them such meaning.
  4. To anyone I may have offended, I edited my above post as I said because it didn't compute for ME it was wrong. Amended to it doesn't make it wrong.
  5. Dating and being in this acute grief does not mix for me. I've been asked a couple times and my reaction said it....are you frigging kidding me? So that answers that. I'm pretty sure that is not in my future at all. I have to admit I have been judgemental of people doing that within a couple years, but that us my problem, not theirs. Just because it doesn't compute for me doesn't make it wrong. Where I do get confused, as Maryann said, is talking about the acute pain, yet doing the dating ritual which means being upbeat and into that kind if socializing. Missing companionship I do understand deeply. Maybe it cause I am older, been thru it and had found that someone, I don't know. It took decades to find my perfect relationship. I don't have that kind of time anymore. Plus, I'm already in love. Deeply.
  6. Nope, not crazy, Ana. I go thru it every day. My love fir him isn't slipping away, but I do wonder if he was real sometimes because the time passing and him not being here twist up my brain. I have the memories he was here and the things he left behind. But they never move or are used anymore. I never have to clean up after him, buy things I used to for dinners, run decisions by him or ask for his help. Can't talk to him about just another day. If it weren't for his things I might wonder if it was a fantasy, and a great one at that. But I see his handwriting and the notes he saved I left for him. Those are real so it must have happened. And the gut wrenching pain? That's not from anything I made up. Feeling crazy is my normal state right now and I hate because once upon a time......I was happy because of him.
  7. Marg, I was raised Catholic so yeah, I had lots to question as so much never made sense to me. I researched other faiths and came to the conclusion religion was created to ease our fear of death. I can't think if any culture that doesn't have it. I don't say this to disrespect anyone who has a faith that sustains them. I wish I could believe there is something, but you can't make that happen. I would love to think I will see Steve again. If I do, it will be amazing. If not, I wouldn't trade the time we had. Never took into account it would end. It's just not something you think about when life was good and fulfilling by just being together. When I realized I was losing him is when I realized this was going to be hell.
  8. Two things struck me about this, Maryann. Being in the same situation, no kids, I would be missed by a few people but thing that would really put anyone in a state of grief. The only people that would have happened to have already died like my parents a couple close family members and Steve. All gone now. My (non) belief system differs from most here. Granted, I don't know anything but this existence, but I feel that this is all there is. So purpose, honoring and believing in being reunited is lost on me. I suppose this makes it harder as I don't have that to lean on. It's like the poem you get called The Rainbow Brudge when a pet passes. I don't believe they are frolicking and waiting for us. When I go into meltdown it is because Steve doesn't exist anymore and the pain that elicits. There have never been any signs or feelings of him beyond his possessions I still have. They are inanimate things. No odd things happening or thinking I see signs in a bird or butterfly appearing. It hit me last night sobbing in bed I have to accept this about myself. I light a candle fo him every night, but that is for me. He believed so I light the others for our parents and pets. I like the effect, but it has no spiritual meaning or I would freak out when his burns out til I get another. Second, This loss hasn't taught me to appreciate life. It has become a waiting game for me also. I only fear death like most people. Because I am aware of it unlike other animals. I loved life til he left. Now it is something I trudge thru. After decades of sharing it with him which gave meaning and purpose by love itself, having that gone and coming back to me daily has changed everything and I don't see it ever being something I will be happy in again. Plus I am getting older and more limited. Thought we would do that together. Im happy for you that believe in reuniting. Maybe I will find I am wrong. But I can't force feelings that don't exist. I also try and think would I fight a dire health diagnosis. Not a fan of pain. But to do it for this life I live, I am guessing no.
  9. Yup, I want outta here. I don't know about purposes and such. Steve had so much more he wanted to do. But without him I lost mine. I can't even find a reason I am here right now. Just taking up space and resources. This is a new phase for me in this tho. For almost 2 years I lived in grief and feeling like I mattered from within. Now a new twist in the path. I think for me it is the absolute knowing he is gone and I will be alone til my time. It's a scary thought that even Steve knew. He didn't want to be the one left behind. That used to anger me as I couldn't believe he would choose that. But given the choice, I would have too. Selfish? Maybe. I've just lived too long in the pain I'd do anything to stop. I'm pretty darned sure he would feel the same and be cursing me at times too.
  10. Marg, just stay who you are. If it bothers some people (and I can't think if anyone it would), that's their problem. It would make no sense to be anyone but who you are. Thanks for worrying about me, I do too. Knowing others care adds a little light to this darkness I keep hoping will lift. Has anyone gone thru a phase of what I am calling 'flooding'? The grief has always been there, but right now I am getting hit with memories and dreams like a punching bag. It's like everywhere I look in this house evokes something intense trigger. The dreams are ones that were daily living and so real that waking up makes it harder to get up because daily living is anything but what it was to look forward too. I could only find a short reference to it online and at least it said you're not going crazy. Wish it felt like I wasn't. I did my weekly food shopping today and REALLY felt that urge to yell out.......stop being so gall darned happy and normal! You're all driving me nuts! I'm I freaking widow so knock it off! And the topper? I really wanted some cornbread and they didn't have any i wouldn't have to bake.
  11. I cancelled the colonoscopy. It was too much to take in alone. My regular doc agreed and since half our serotonin resides in our gut, the mind/body link is tight so since I am so messed up mentally, it seems ridiculous to do it. Especially since I don't care. Even if they could guarantee it would make me feel better, I'd be dumped back into an empty alone life. Hardly motivating. Its amazing how draining this is. I hate sitting doing nothing, but little things like filling the dogs water bowl to cleaning a sink seems as daunting as painting the house top to bottom. That eats at your sense of worth. Sense of being a part of life with a purpose. Brad, you are so right. Doing many things had so much meaning because they were shared to enjoy. There was a time in early grief I found accomplishment in them, but after so long it does brome a 'why bother'. Then it becomes a reminder when you let things slide. I look at our yard and wish did more than I have to. I used to love to look outside and see work I/we did. Same with the inside. I do the routine cleanning and it often doesn't need it. I guess routine fills some void. What a catch 22.
  12. I don't think I could do this as it would open doors and I'm not sure I would make sense thru all the sobbing I envision.
  13. I've found myself thinking how can the death of someone get me so f*cked up? I know, I know.....this was no 'ordinary' death. But my reaction has caused me to question my own sanity. My diagnosis from therapy is suicidaly depressed. My logical mind says there must be something physically wrong the doctors are missing. Not only mentally, but physically I am feeling so many horrible things. I want them to fix it, but there is nothing they can do. Just like there is nothing i can do to fix the pain and grief. It feels so utterly helpless. The last time I felt normal was in 2013. Even tho Steve was ill, we were doing things pretty much as normal. I cared about my life. Taking the dogs to the park, volunteering, I could laugh and there was life in this house. 4 years have passed of sliding downhill as not only did he die in 2014, that January one of our dogs was diagnosed with incurable cancer and lost to us in months. There is not a day that goes by that is even close to the life we had. Day after day, year after year. Not unexpected, but I am not adapting well at all. I hate this feeling nothing about anything and doing even the smallest things feeling monumental. Overly sensitive too. A woman I meet for an hour on Sundays cancelled and I panic....what will I do with that time? (Rhetorical). I volunteer today and all I think if is getting it done so I can get home, yet coming here is empty. This isn't a new normal, this is some kind of nightmare I can't wake up from. I had a dream about the old days I saw something for Steve's brother and was asking him if he would like it. So simple, yet I am totally messed up from it now that I am awake. It was so natural and not tainted by his absence. My head feels like I want to explode. People not in this want so many things and get excited about plans and I feel dead. I'd just love to ask him what we were going to order tonight at our fav restaurant. I want to talk to him. Hold his hand. Watch a show or movie together. My wants are so simple. I could buy a car or move or take a fancy trip, but I can't even say one word to him nor he to me. Can't buy that anywhere. Can't order it online. Can't make it happen at all. I am amazed at how this changed everything in ways I never imagined or had a clue about. No matter how I try to look at this, it comes down to him. Like this is a revelation, not. I read about cynicism and rage. It is the death of hope. That is what I feel because I was betrayed by hope. I still carry a medallion he gave me with that I keep a promise to do so. But I don't feel it. That was stolen too. its sad knowing people will be glad to see me at the nursing home, put on the game face and leave to a lonelier life than they have. They are at an age of acceptance they have little time left. I envy them, odd as that sounds. They have no fear. To be free of that....... needed a babble day.
  14. I took it to mean Marg felt to use energy begrudging others would be negative and wasteful. To use that energy towards a way thru our own grief is wiser. She can correct me if I am wrong.
  15. Touché Gin! in answer to your question, I'm not doing that well, but since I never can you gauge it? Days and nights are definitely too long.