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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

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2,282 profile views
  1. I thank you for your post and thoughts, Carol Ann. One of the many things I do think about is how I will live with this loss for the rest of my life. There are a lot of losses in life, but none of this magnitude. everyone around me does not relate so I have to keep a lot to myself now. We look at the time that has passed so differently. They think I am/should be getting 'used' to it. They have no concept of the void created that can never be filled again. This person was my life. He was thier friend. They miss a lot of the same things I do, but cannot comprehend never interacting with thier partner ever again. Living a life that was made special by just being together. Having thoughts and ideas and no one to share them with nor them with you. I see things all the time we would talk about. I miss that and the 'skin hunger' as simple as holding hands. I miss true laughter too. I miss being irritated. I miss it all. would I trade what we have to escape this pain? Sadly there are times I do. I don't feel bad about that either. He always told me if I had left first he was not sure he could handle the pain he could only imagine.
  2. Sorry to high jack this topic a bit. Today makes exactly 2 and a half years Steve has been gone. I really wish I could foget the date and even month. Our minds seem to have this masochistic need to remind us because I certainly didn't plan to. It just reminds me of how long I have been missing him and continue to do so, worse than it was at the beginning. And to start my day, some robocall triggered the answering machine before I could grab it and I heard his voice. This anniversary fell on date night too. It's really just another day to plod through. Kinda get the feeling it will be a bit more teary than usual. if it has to be an anniversary, my fantasy is it was 30 months ago we sprung him from hospice proving all the docs wrong.
  3. Maynard, one of the most profound things I read about hope (as I am struggling to feel it again) is that grief robs us of and makes us feel betrayed by it. It didn't save our partners and I don't understand it anymore. I carry an etched little thing in my pocket with the word Steve gave me years ago. Everytime I change pants I wonder why except he asked me to always keep it. At this stage I pretty much scoff at the word.
  4. I remember that shock of the first few months and doing things I would now find so incredibly painful. We do go at our own pace. The only thing I did IMMEDIATELY was remove anything medical from the house. They had plagued us for years. Can't remember clothes, but I did keep a couple things that were either his or my favorite. His office sits untouched except it is sterile without his music pages messes on the floor. I turned off his computer a couple of days ago after almost 30 months. His phone and iPad still charge even if useless to me. Pictures of us are everywhere and for about a year I could look at them but not really see him. Some protection thing my mind was doing. Now I see him in those and in memories around the house. Nightwinds, you are doing what you need to and can handle and the is the most we can expect whether it be a month or a year. I felt so in a fog for months I couldn't even recall what I did. It's like being on autopilot. It doesn't sound like anyone is pressuring you and that is a very good thing. We all here understand how personal, yet comparable, this is to what we went thru.
  5. I really like what your therapist said. Happy is really not a word in our vocabulary right now. It is survival and hopefully healing. At 30 months I am still in that mode. I don't look for happiness. Maybe it will happen someday, but I feel there are steps to get there like more acceptance and maybe moments of semi contentment. I have all the old abilities too, but motivation is missing. There are things I could do that used to make me feel 'happy' to get accomplished, but now they feel like monotonous chores. Grief robs of so much more than our partners. It takes the people we were too.
  6. Robin, I do so hope you keep feeling better. Many say the 1st year is a trick miracle marker and I do hope you beat that adage. It didn't work that way for me, but if just one if this family can find some much needed 'peace', I'm all for it!
  7. I feel this is one of the many hard parts of this, Marita. Losing that feeling someone cares. I see counselors and they care, but I am paying them. Otherwise, they wouldn't know I exist. Many have echoed this feeling. It's hard that there is no one who would be worried if we were late, greet us when we come home, want to know about our day and us wanting to know about theirs, someone we can ask to do something we normally do because we are tired. I know people that care about me, but I am not a central point to thier universe that we had with our partners. I seriously doubt they are thinking about me when they are interacting with thier families. We might come up in conversation, but that's about it. It's terribly hard to be alone now when we had those families, even if it was one if just was the 2 of us. I can't count how many times a day I think of something I want to talk to him. Plus missing meals and relaxing together.
  8. Gin, that is the kind of person needed to be thinned from the gene pool. Solely my opinion, of course.
  9. I am halfway into my 3rd year and if it wasn't for the word 'normal' to describe everything I have, do and will feel, I would have checked out of life a long time ago. It's my tether to validate bearing the unbearable day after day, week after week, month after month. Sometimes it is hard to hear because it is so alien to anything else I've ever experienced. I was talking to my counselor about why I am obsessed with thoughts of my husband being gone and feeling so unmotivated by anything I do, find even the smallest things major efforts. She said it's another phase of seeing this is really, really REALLY real and normal. I thought I had been thru that but apparently it can intensify, return or just find another way (maybe triggered by some new event we have to take on alone and I have several) to tell us there is never going back. I absolutely abhor the pain of it, find it hard to believe it is normal, but I cling to that word. How can it NOT normal to feel your life is forever changed losing your dearest friend and knowing you will never see them again in your life? Years of memories and things you possess that you did together? Plus many of us are now facing our own health problems alone when we were there for them. It's terribly lonely not to have someone to lean on.
  10. It's another Saturday night alone. Our good Groundhog Day tradition was date night. It's been almost 30 months. I sit here now almost all the time so aware I will not see him again here. I can't get the thought out of my head. We all know it. I'm trying to figure out why it has become almost obsessive thinking now. I know it would help if I felt healthy. The combination of various maladies that now are my companion from waking to bed make it hard to get outside myself. And then I wonder if I would even feel this bad had he not left. How did I get to feeling so old in just a couple of years? After all this time, I still can't figure out how I will live without him.
  11. I totally agree with you, Marg. Steve and I had 2 separations, but I knew he was alive and could talk to him. If I needed something he would help me even then. Each time we were apart we kept coming back to each other. We didn't found other people we knew would be with forever, but if we had I know we would still be tethered in some way. But more importantly....yes, he would be alive. I so miss his voice. I almost incomprehensible I have not spoken to him in almost 2 and a half years. I definitely know I could handle it better if he was still in this world.
  12. That's how I see it too, Kay. The ashes I have were Steve, but realistically? They are a minimation of his body. We never had plans for ashes so, just cremation was our wishes. I know it is a very symbolic thing for some and honor that. Feeling as I do, tho, when I was asked by the place that did it if I wanted them returned, I should have declined. It was a UPS delivery that was odd and I didn't know what to with. I have them in a place I rarely see them unless looking for something else. I offered his brother some long ago and he declined.
  13. Then there is the other side of the coin when you want to smile, but can't. At least not a real one. I've had a few, but not enough.
  14. I know some have come to find new things that can balance what we have lost. People remarry or find someone they connect with, it's happened here to 2 people because of this board and a wonderful thing to see. But for some of us, I think we have a gut feeling of our future and know that, yes, the best is over and will never come again. That is the hard fight every day. I have one more big loss to eventually face with one of our dogs eventually and then I will have totally lost the family I knew. I know we never know, but I do feel when we get such a microscopic view of what made our lives happy with a certain someone, it can never be filled again. This could be the thoughts of a very depressed mind, 3 years into this and seeing my attentions are now focused on how to deal with an aging body that, while no companionship is terribly lonely, I see no energy to even think about it.
  15. Cookie, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. We had 2 dogs and lost one just before Steve died. We went thru that together. I got another dig, but now just have the one that was, as Marty said, the last living link to my old family. I know I will be devastated when I lose her. I don't know any consoling words for such pain, but I do know the pain of losing our beloved furry kids. Truly sending you my heartfelt caring.