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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Recent Profile Visitors

2,541 profile views
  1. Cookie, I'm past two and a half years and never felt so bad. I read how so many are at least making some small strides and crying less. I do the strides but I feel the opposite so I feel like some kind of freak. It doesn't help I have zero support beyond my counselors that I pay to see once a week. Losing my primary care doctor felt like the straw that broke the camels back. A 27 year relationship and helping me thru the fear and panic gone. I often read what many are doing and can find a positive little spark, but I cannot. I'm so tired wakiing up and my first thought being Steve is not here and never will be. As has been talked about over and over, nothing is the same, but I feel I am losing the battle towards this new life. I think, for me, doing or not having to do the little daily things are hitting me subconsciously when others are more apparent. I changed our bed last night and again it was only because of my side, his was pristine. I was dreaming we didn't have any milk in the house and so aware it isn't needed because only Steve used it. It's like I am being haunted by my own mind and I can't find a way to find some respite from it. I didn't expect to be 'better' by now, but I did have (now thrashed hopes) I would be more accepting. I wake to literal panic every day and wonder how long one can stay sane doing that? Much less how it follows me all day. I even dread going to bed as i know how the day will begin. I've never want to go to sleep (except for the couple of hours of respite I get before waking again and again to the catastrophic thinking) and never wake up as I do now. It's a scary dark place to live and not one I can tell any of the people I run across about. I used to feel bad for he residents at the nursing home I volunteer at, but now I see they have a more socially connected life than me. So much more human interaction. I have my dogs, but they will never replace having a partner of my species. Crying used to be cathartic and even that is gone.
  2. You know The Doors wrote that song about you. 😊
  3. Good insight, Mary Beth. Forgetfulness has been my buddy a long time now. I make lists too, always did just for the fun of crossing off accomplishments. Now I need them and keep a pad and pen by the bed as something inevitably comes to me when I want to go to sleep. Now, tho, they have become actual chores I can look back on and say I did SOMETHING today. Today also being something I have to concentrate to remember when I wake up. Being alone now, so much of what I do is hard because it's not noticed by anyone anymore. I clean because I don't want my home to reflect my emotional state. Plus I'm a little OCD about. But I notice that I let things slide longer. There's a lot less to do being alone also. Same with shopping for food, everything has changed. I'm not relishing this single life at all. I guess we can add getting off topic to the list of changes.
  4. I totally agree with the above advice. I learned this from pushing to hard to do things I wasn't ready for and I still do it. I think it's because of a restlessness without them. I don't do 'being stiill' very well. Then I pay for it. Personally, I would have cancelled the vacation because I know that is way beyond my comfort level. But others, like you, Tom, might handle it, tho it will be filled with emotion. That you won't be alone is good even when you need alone time.
  5. My reaction.....never! 🙂 Great job, Mitch!
  6. I don't know how's I will react when something takes Steves and my last furry kid. That will cinch the end of a shared family. Then I will be truly alone from the life I knew. Don't even like thinking about it. Some things that die can be fixed like the battery in his van. Or our bird singing clock. Others just suck more meaning on this path.
  7. Beautiful yet so sad. And so true. 💔
  8. I've drawn so many boundaries now I need a new crayon. 🖍 The latest was a guy who would NOT stop asking me out. I asked him if he had ever been in a long term relationship and he said yes, for 12 years. I then asked him.....did she die? No, she did not. Truly frigging amazing that someone could compare a breakup or divorce meaning something was wrong for one or both of them to having that person ripped away without consent.
  9. This is one of the hardest challenges we face. Watching the world continue on when ours has been shattered and brought to a halt. As Brad said, it does ease a little, but it will never be the same. I'm at a little over 2 and a half years and still miss my Steve every single day after 32 years married and 37 together. One thing we all here have learned is to insulate yourself from people that have not experienced this. Once the 'understanding' runs out, they forget and will have tons if advice that can really get annoying. People that care for us don't want to see us in pain, but they don't grasp the enormity of the loss. They try and 'fix' us. They mean well, but.....also, some will think there is a predetermined time line when you should be feeling better. Ignore that too. Many of us have learned we just don't talk about it outside here or with very trusted people. All in all, only another who has lost thier partner can understand fully anything you feel. You asked if it will end. I can only state my opinion and it is no. You are forever changed and now, on top of this devastation, have to find out who you are now. I've told everyone to stop waiting for the Gwen they knew because she is gone. She's never coming back. My essence is the same (morals, ethics, beliefs, favorite color, food and TV show), but the person who completed me is gone so that will change many things in me and already has. Priorities, meanings and purpose all get redefined. It will be a work in progress til I leave this world. I had years to 'prepare' for this, others here was sudden. We all found one thing, the imagining bore no resemblance to the reality. I'm so sorry you are here as I am for all of us. I hope as you begin to feel even more changes you will find you can say them here and at least know you are not alone. That keeps us going and this family here is always there. The compassion here is truly a gift. While I'm in a rambling verbal mood........'moving on' is another that gets my bristles up too.
  10. Kay, I know George died on Fathers Day. As that date changes from year to year, you are caught in a double whammy, aren't you? The holiday and the actual date. I was sitting on a break at the nursing home yesterday thinking today would have been a day the dogs and I would have spoiled Steve a little and you came to mind. Some dates are fixed like Christmas, but yours jumps around.
  11. Gin, I got a Phillips Lifeline Medical Alert system. The pendant (or you can get a wrist model) was about $25. The monitoring is $40 a month because it is WIFI, think it is cheaper as a plain analog model. Check out Amazon, that's where I found it. There may be other options cheaper too, I just wanted it done and over with. I wish it made me feel better, but it doesn't. It's a 'something' needed because Steve is gone. I don't wear it. I keep it in the living room where I spend most my time. Just can't bring myself to wear it right now, it's kinda a morbid reminder. Karen, you are right. Everything that has happened is just life. We'd just be marveling the coincidence of it all in clumps. They didn't feel like chores, they felt like challenges and then accomplishments. Rewarding, not daunting.
  12. I feel as you do, Tom. People keep telling never know. But I think there are some things we do. Yes, I could be wrong, but since I don't plan on looking and in this day and age (and being in my 60's), the chance of finding a'fit' is slim to none. Plus I don't want to do the whole ritual of getting to know someone. Companionship might be nice, but I'd still come home alone to OUR home. And I always will be. Steve is everywhere and can't be erased.
  13. I don't know why, but things keep hitting relentlessly. Yesterday I lost my doctor. I only see him every 3 months so I was totally blindsided. It was emotional for us both, crying and hugs, but I lost a 27 year relationship that feels like a sudden death. Have to start over with a new person. He knew me so well. He explained to me why (he had expected to be in practice another 4 to 5 years) but his parents and wife need him now plus he has an admin job at the hospital. He couldn't do both. I totally respect that. But I feel adrift, in shock and alone. The thought of starting over with my very complicated conditions is a scary thing. My doc wasn't hot on specialists and saved me many unneeded tests. He wanted to get to the root of things treating me as a whole person. I can only hope the new guy will provide that, but it won't be til August he is aboard. Til then it's the nurse practioners. I went out to run Steve's van to keep the battery charged and it is dead. Have roadside assistance coming tomorrow to determine if its the battery and hopefully replace it. SO hoping it doesn't have to go into the shop. Our singing Audobon clock died. Had to order another from Amazon. I miss hearing the bird sounds. Small thing but they add up. I never see it to tell time, but the bird songs reminded me it was time for the many meds I take. Plus, I was a gift from him. Last week was a lot of technical problems and I still have to take my computer in for repair from a MS update that messed up my monitor. My dog got very ill and it got me thinking of how hard it will be (she is 12) when she leaves as she is the last link with the family Steve and I had. I'm so worn out doing everything. Steve would have handled the technical problems and his car. I now have a medic alert button instead and it doesn't do anything he did and reminds me of how alone I am now.
  14. We didn't have any kids but our furry ones, but it was a special day and I am so sick of the commercials and ads for it. It's a reminder of a family, whoever it is filled with, we no longer have. Holidays now are so tough. I expected the biggies, but his I new to me even tho it is 3rd one without him.
  15. Thank you, Marita, for your always compassionate replies. 💖