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Marg M

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About Marg M

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    Advanced Member

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    October 17, 2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Mount Ida

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  1. Please ignore the mistakes. This keyboard is small and like a smart phone, sometimes it tries to read my mind, which is impossible even for me. I did look at PC's yesterday at Walmart and have one picked out. Sept 1st I will get it before anyone else needs help. My birthday present to me. Kay, do not think that you are not appreciated. You have walked through the flames, and your memory of the heat helps us all. My daughter got on facebook fussing at friends that do not remember her often and the trials she is going through. I am ashamed for her. One of those friends posts often of the good times she is having with her church AA group, although it is not officially called that. She does not write about the personal demon that haunts her when she is alone. I want to write to please forgive her, besides her inherited mental illness, she actually is fighting pain from the chemo to shrink the teratomas in her brain. I cannot do that. We all walk a different path. Sometimes it is straight forward. Sometimes it is over great mountains that cut our souls and leave large gaping bleeding wounds. I would mention swimming great oceans, but because I cannot swim and I am still walking, I don't go near the water. Marty and Kay, and all you experienced travelers, we appreciate any help or insight we may obtain. Sometimes we are like my neighbor, "terrible" and might growl often.
  2. I had to go back to Hot Springs today, and just made a day of it. Back home now. Why do I have such a sad, negative reaction to a place that was so beautiful, and we were so happy. It just plain hurts. I cannot feel the beauty anymore. Probably why I left as fast as I could. I am not happy, but I am not as haunted here in this apartment with the boxes still unpacked, and I have no plans to unpack them.
  3. Cookie, my neighbor still has his wife. He cannot get around much without his scooter, he is a very large man, not really fat, but anytime anyone asks him how he is doing, the only word he can ever say, and does not wait around for conversation. He only knows one word, "TERRIBLE. He does not want to talk about it so I only say "hello" His little wife has serious heart trouble, but sometimes I think she calls the ambulance to get away. Words are all loud and although no cursing, I cannot imagine our golden years so miserable.
  4. Ana, when I came back home, I touched base with our old friends. When Billy was around, we were all hugging and having a good time. Billy (at that time) was unsure of me and it became necessary for me to not be around my lifelong friends and even saw my family less. I liked my new friends and we were all young and just starting a new life. Go forward 54-55 years and "our" friends do not know I exist. I am not hurt, I know I am a reminder now of their own mortality. One has already had a stroke. I am not sure of the oldest one's mental state, and some of the others have gone before Billy. The thing is, I have former coworkers, and the years disappeared for my teenaged years friends and former classmates. We are all close, mainly because most of us are widows and like on this forum, we have all been "touched by the flames". I can truly say I love my friends and as much as I miss Billy, "our" friends were really hi s friends. They were very sweet to our son, but he is more Billy-like" than I am. One strange thing is I am "hearing gossip" and I had forgot a bunch of women did that. It actually makes me uncomfortable. I wish everyone could find a drop of happiness. I was not old till Billy left.
  5. I simply think these people have not had real tragedy. Or they are robots with no heart.
  6. You try to think the best of people and then you encounter ignoramuses (sp?) like the idiots that think "make America great again" means bringing back 1958 life. You find out we are headed backwards. Your former friend will remember how wrong they were when it happens to them. Gives a whole new meaning to walking a mile in "my" shoes.
  7. Kevin, maybe that "outer shell" is the "scar tissue" that Rose Kennedy wrote about. I think it confounds my family. I don't hurt myself and I don't bother them with any attempts to get their attention. I was not old until Billy left, and that is one thing that made him angry, if anyone called him "old man." Honestly, I don't require their attention for money worries, and even my 18 year-old requires more medical attention than I do. My daughter is ill, but her whole life she has required constant medical attention. I think it comes from all the doctors who have all prescribed a different psychopharmaceutical at all the different ones she visited. She definitely has diabetes from one of the medications. My son has a partially functioning liver from all the drugs and alcohol that required hep-C treatments. He does not complain, but my sister is also very sick from COPD, but cannot give up the cigarettes. I could pass away at any time, but I don't worry them with anything but my memory. It really does not bother me unless I lose something. If something breaks in my apartment, I have someone to fix it, so that is not a worry mentally or financially.
  8. I somehow cannot remember what people say. Sometimes it worries my family how separate from them all I can be. "Mama, I just told you that yesterday and you have already forgotten?" They are bordering on alarm. They don't understand, if I want to remember something, I can. I choose not to hear. They are gonna have to get used to it. I was aggravated over a year ago when a friend/former widow said that now I can find myself. I think I have done that. I am "me, myself and I" and all three of us get along very good. It is a shame that none of the three of us hear anything but what we want to remember. We are actually doing okay for the shape we are in.
  9. Gin, I know that anxiety. We didn't even take pictures of our wedding. It was scheduled for the 7th. (We got married on the 3rd). My mom and I fussed constantly. She had the type of mental illness called borderline personality disorder. It was described in a book, not real sure of the title, but think it was called "I Hate You, Please Don't Leave." I tried reading it, but it was like reliving my time with my mom. She really did not want me to leave, so she ran me off. There was no time to plan. Billy sold a gun to pay the preacher. No flowers, etc. But word got out anyhow, even though the official announcement in the paper said the 7th. Also, the original preacher was gone, so we switched churches to my hometown church and pastor. Still, the church was full. I have the pictures in my mind from 56 years ago. I still break down, so I will rely on memory. Mama could take all the air out of a room and I cannot remember anything but my dress anyhow. But I do know the anxiety of not remembering where I put something, and sometimes, I never remember. I don't like to tax my brain. It is almost like a physical pain, so I don't do it. (will get computer in Sept.
  10. George, I signed everything over to my sister. There was nothing in that house I wanted and if my sister can ever get out from under the debt, she needs it to live. I am taken care of and she needs it. I think your dad sounds a little mixed up. Well now you do not have to let your sister make you feel guilty. I'll bet Glen Campbell's large family wars for years. Glen doesn't have to worry about it. They have been in court for years now. Good luck to you on it. In a way, it is a weight off you.
  11. I am writing on my Kindle. I still buy books to help the grieving. Some how it is like hail bouncing off a frozen highway. Nothing sinks in. Sometimes it is like I will have to face it all over again. I found the 6th edition of "Life After Loss" but the best I can tell from what I read is that this edition comes after the death of his wife. Even without this loss, this must be a leading book about loss. This hit my heart because "June Deits -, the only girlfriend, wife, life partner I ever had. For 69 years she was the center of my life beginning at age 14." Somehow I saw the little funeral director with his painted on smile, he had just lost his wife of 66 years and went every evening to sit at her grave. I know I will read at this book. I wake each morning and my first thought is "no, he is not here." When Scott is here it is such a reminder that he is part of Billy. Bri is here with me and I am busy all the time. I did manage to read one of Billy's novels. I usually could finish one fast. Concentration is still shallow. I'm scared to read this book, afraid it will disrupt the scar tissue, might melt that wax protecting my brain.
  12. All my Amazon is still in Billy's name. This one's name is Billy's 5th Kindle.
  13. I sign our cards the same way I always did. I usually signed for both of us all those years, I still do. Will keep on, his retirement was bigger than mine, so I figure the only difference is he is not bodily here. I always picked out the cards and presents. He would do it if I asked him to, but it just kind of was one of "my jobs." Still is.
  14. Love it. On my way home yesterday I saw a most beautiful garden.............with a very high electric fence around it. They ate everything where we lived in AR. We had four in our backyard at morning and evening. New babies all the time.
  15. Kay, I bought a Dell laptop and gave it to my son. I got Bri the HP laptop last winter and a new desktop for my sister last month. My time is coming.