Anita58

Thank you so much for your kind words.... I am currently trying to make an appointment with a grief counselor... which I feel will benefit. mom has lots of visitors and goes to activities she wants to.... but she is very frail and would just as soon sit in her chair at times. I do need to do something about the feelings of resentment I have for my brother.... his boys didnt even come to Daddys funeral..... which I still cant get over. He promised Daddy he would take care of their little house over the summer, yet he has not visited mom since Daddy died in 2014. Sometimes I feel like I need to write him a letter and tell him exactly how I feel, but mom doesnt want me to make waves. I realize that I am lucky to spend time with mom and will have no regrets when she passes.

I work at a job Im totally burned out at , for 37 years I have been at a nursing home where there is illness, craziness, and death. My parents were very independent until my dad turned 89 or so.... he gave up driving and mom cant drive, so I took their groceries out every week, they lived about 30 minutes away, and took them to drs apts. Daddy got sick pretty quickly when he was 90, was in the hospital for 8 days, then we had to admit him into our nursing home. Mom was admitted to be with him. He died on Sept. 2, 2014, after being at the n.h. for about 2 weeks. Mom has now had to stay at the nursing home because there is no one to watch her at home, and they live to far back in the country. I live with guilt that she is there.... I just wish I could quit and take her to her little house to spend the rest of her days... she is 94. Daddy was the only man I could ever trust in my life....... the only good and decent man I knew. I have been married and divorced 4 times. So obviously I never found one like him. My problem is that my emotions are COMPLETELY out of control. I cry at work, I resent my friends for having normal lives, I have no significant other to lean on. I am a Christian and pray continually for a spark of a miracle to help me... Im on antidepressants but they do not seem to do any good. I know I have to turn my thinking around and see what I do have as opposed to what I dont have, but at this point I am just completely numb. I also have alot of resentment toward my only sibling, my brother, who lives in another state, who doesnt seem to care too much about what is going on.... as I get my mom ready for bed every night after work, lotion her, put her pjs on , comb her hair and pick her clothes out for the next day. My best friend encourages me and tells me what a good daughter I am, but I still feel so guilty about putting her in the n.h. and it has changed her life completely. She is very frail, but very good mentally and all she does now is sit in her chair and watch t.v., which is totally not her. My 2 grown sons are busy and dont have time for me, and I find myself hibernating more and more.... I have quit many of the organizations I used to be in because I just cant seem to face people. I know others have it so much worse than I do, but I have to own this, its mine. My ex husband , who is on dialysis 3 times a week, calls every week to check on me and see how IM doing. He says that everything negative can turn into a positive if I just resent my thinking, but right now, I just need help to get through every day.