Angelofthewest

Thanks again for replying KayC. I've just come from his house just now. He admitted that he had not managed to sleep until 5am this morning and when he woke up at 11am he had considered turning off his phone and not seeing me today but changed his mind. I don't take this personally. I know that it is his grief. Anyway, he did see me. I took him lunch and we spoke straight away about how he has been feeling. I suggested phoning the doctor and he did. The doctor had a cancellation and was able to see him straight away. He asked me to take him to the doctors and He was given some medication to help with depression and sleeping. He was able to open up to me a little about how he isn't coping and about how he wasn't really coping before her death either but managed to hide it with his usual humour. I have reassured him that he can talk to me without judgement and he said sometimes it's hard to just start the conversation. Should I initiate the conversation from time to time?? I have also tried to reassure him that admitting he isn't coping is a positive step. I'm just so nervous around him Incase I say the wrong thing!

KayC I'm sorry to hear about you being unwell. I hope you are getting the care you need. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply when unwell. I really appreciate it. I just wanted to give you all an update on how things are. D and I met up on Saturday and spent 2 days together. It was rather emotional at times and I am shocked to see first hand just how hard this has been on him. I mean I thought I already knew it was hard but seeing it up close and personal is another thing entirely. We have agreed to remain in each other's lives and just see how we go. I've promised him no pressure from me and he has agreed he would like to take baby steps. Our communication from the weekend has been steady by both text and phone calls every day and I'm going to his house for coffee tomorrow on my day off. However, I'm extremely worried about him. He's stopped going to work (he's self employed so this means no money coming in), speaks about running away, is either sleeping all the time or not able to sleep at all and is taking bouts of cutting himself off from the rest of the world. Don't get me wrong, he can hold a conversation with me, but from what I can tell he is going days without speaking to or seeing anyone! Can I presume this to be normal in the early stages of grief or should I be more concerned? I'm so glad to have our lines of communication open and our relationship back that I'm scared to say anything that I may think will help but instead could cause a rift.

I just wanted to give you all a little update. This evening I gave into my urge to message D. I kept it short and just said that I wanted him to know that he was still in my thoughts and that if he needed anything I was there. I said that I didn't need or expect a reply but just wanted him to know. He replied immediately thanking me and said he needed a holiday. I replied with a joke about dusting off my magic carpet which didn't have any GPS because it was so old and he texted back immediately asking how I was and if I was out at the weekend. Anyway, we've texted back and forth a few times since then. It's been kept light and humourful (our relationship was built on our similarities and sense of humour). And his last text just hinted that he may be going to the same event I'm invited to on Saturday night. I can't tell you how happy I am to have contact. All his messages are back to their usual 3 kisses at the end. I know that I promised I wouldn't contact him BUT I had real concerns over this as knowing him like I do it was nagging at me that he would be too proud to reach out again. I expect nothing right now and I mean that whole heartedly. I'm not going to mention our relationship at this stage. I also know that he may drop out again but at least I now know how to deal with it....space, understanding, compassion all mixed with our usual dose of humour. To have this contact means so much to me. It feels like a ball of worry over his well being has been lifted from my churning stomach. Even if we never resume our relationship as it was, I can accept that now that I know we can communicate. I do understand that he is going to go through highs and lows so I will be extra careful not to put pressure on him about contact. I'll keep you all in the loop.

Thanks KayC. Your input is pricesless and I'm very grateful for it. I fear that he is struggling and too proud to reach out to me. He's a mans, man. Very confident, independent, resourceful and uses humour to deflect his depth. I worry that he is too proud to reach out to me and I also know he has a good heart so it's likely that he will be be thinking it would be unfair to push me and away and then pull me back so instead he will just let me go. I hope that makes sense. Another worry I have is that he has a very close female friend whom he told me was jealous of my relationship with him and who he suspected wanted more from him than just friendship. They had been intimate once in the past (about a year ago when first met again) but that nothing has come from it. She also lost her Mum 17 years ago and I worry that he has now turned to her and that I'll lose him completely. Given all this my primal urge is to reach out to him. Do you still suggest that I don't? Sorry to ask but I'm at sea right now and to make matters worse I ended up going back to bed and had a very lucid dream about his Mum visiting me (along with his Sister who is still alive) and how I made promises in the dream to his Mum to look after him. The mind can be cruel. Thanks for info Marty. I read it with interest and it gives me some hope. It's been 2 weeks since we last saw each other and I had hoped that I would be feeling a bit better by now. But my heart won't let go of him no matter how much I try to convince it. I wonder if he even thinks of me in amongst his grief?

My plans for the gym today are on the back burner now after a night of very little sleep. I just can't seem to switch my mind off. I spoke to a friend last night who suggested I'm in the bargaining part of grief - 'if I just give him space maybe he'll come back'. I don't want to move onto acceptance because that means letting go of him and I can't turn my back on what was the greatest love of both our lives! Or maybe he decided it wasn't that after all....I just don't know because I can't speak to him. I've come back to bed this morning (I live in Scotland). I can't face anything or anyone else right now. I am reaching a point where I feel like I HAVE to get in touch with him. To reach out to him, to let him know I'm still here and will do anything I can to help. This is a bad idea isn't it????

Thanks to everyone for their responses. Today has been tough, very tough and I've just driven home from work crying to the point I could hardly see - triggered by Adele's Don't you Remember song coming on the radio. It's been a week since we were last in touch and I'm having to sit on my hands at points during the day to avoid reaching out to him because I know it's not what he needs right now. I just want to be there for him and it breaks my heart. And then I start thinking 'who's there for me while I'm grieving my loss of him' and I get mad at him! I know he can't know how much pain I'm in - it would be too much for him right now so I just have to keep breathing in and breathing out, putting one foot in front of the other. It doesn't feel like it's over to me, but then I question whether I'm deluding myself. Sorry, I know I must seem like a rambling, selfish mad woman right now. Marty, you are right. I have to honour what I said. I have to respect him. It just goes against every fibre of my being to 'abandon' someone in their ultimate hour of need and that's what it feels like I'm doing - abandoning him. How is he ever supposed to know the love and support he could have from me when I have to keep my distance? I know, selfish again - I'm sorry :(. More selfish thoughts I have been having is what did I do wrong? Why wasn't I good enough? And then I have to kick myself and remind myself that he has just lost the number one person in his life and to stop It. Question for anyone who can help - is it common to know someone is going to die and think you are prepared for it but then to realise that you weren't prepared at all?? I have arranged to return to the gym tomorrow after not managing to get there for the last 3 weeks and I've arranged to go out this weekend. But nothing has any depth without him anymore which I imagine is how he feels about his life after losing his Mum. Sorry again for all my ramblings. My brain is a fog today x

Thank you so much for the invitation to 'pour my heart out' Marty as it's exactly what I need to do but I can't do it with my friends and family because of their concern over his behaviour. He has not been unkind to me and infact I think it has taken a lot of guts for him to be open and honest with me. If I'm truthful I almost wish that he had been awful to me so that I would get angry. Instead I've been left with this deep sorrow for him and also for myself. Who knows what could of been? I'm scared to let him go from my thoughts as I'm not ready to just write this off. It was too real between us for me to do that. I worry as well that he will take my silence as a sign I don't care or that I have moved on and just write us off for good. It's catch 22! Respect his need for time alone and risk losing him forever or remind him I'm still here and risk pushing him away even further?? I worry that I have been over kind to him in his time of grief as well and that he has perceived this as a weakness by putting him before myself?? Hollowheart - thanks so much for your reply it brought me to tears. The letter I quoted wasn't out last contact. It was a letter I had written for him on the night his Mum died when I was with him which he appreciated greatly. There has been communication between us via text since then which obviously ended with him saying he had nothing to give to a relationship right now. He re-enforced the point it was just him nothing else and apologised. I sent a kinda long text message after that explaining....actually I'll put it here for you to see.... Believe it or not, I do understand that your head and emotions are gonna be all over the place right now. I know this because as you said we are the same. I haven't been trying to force you into anything by keeping in touch. I'm just trying to show that I care and be compassionate through your grief. I don't want you to think I just abandoned you when the going got tough which is why I keep checking in with you to let you know I still care. Not to bombard or suffocate you!! My silence between checking in doesn't mean you aren't in my thoughts - I'm just respecting your need for time to yourself. We had something special and rare between us. But I know that you already know that. Like you always said mirror images. I care deeply for you. Take that however you want to - I'm not ashamed to admit or fear my feelings. This has very much been a case of the right person but wrong time so I'm going to respect your wishes and stop contacting you if that's what you really want. You take care of yourself and those wrinkles of yours ;). I hope your coupons come in (not as much as I hope mine do tho haha). Be kind to yourself. Much love and big hugs from one rocket to another xxx I tried to put a couple of our 'in jokes' in the message to balance out the heaviness and remind him of what we were, but re-reading it now it probably doesn't come across very well. I could kick myself. My friend read it and said that it comes across as me leaving the door open for him and that he should've responded, but that wasn't my intention. My intention was to let him know that I cared, that my silence wasn't an act of abandoning him and that I understood and would respect his wishes. Normally our messages would be full of I love you and excitement about being together but it didn't seem appropriate to burden him with I love you'd. He didn't reply. There was nothing to reply to after all. He's kept me on his FB too. Do you think the message was too light hearted?? Or maybe even too heavy??

Thank you so much for your reply Marty. I have to confess that I have spent the last 10 days trawling the Internet about grief and its affect on relationships and it has left me very disheartened to read that a lot of people don't reconnect after this sort of break up. I am reminding myself daily that if its meant to be it will find a way, but I'm at a loss to work out how we are ever going to re-connect whilst we have no contact. Hence the reason I thought I would send a Xmas card and letter in 3-4 weeks. To let him know that I'm still here for him and that he is in my thoughts. I also thought about naming a star after his Mum as a Xmas present but worry that this would be over stepping the mark so have decided against it. I did write him a letter the night his Mum died. It said.... I know there is nothing I can do or say that will help with your pain or make things better for you right now. But what I CAN do is offer you my affection without any expectations at what must be the most difficult point in your life. If you need a cuddle it's here. If you need to talk I'll listen without judgement. If you need company without talking that is there too. If you need space just say so. If you need someone to hold you while you go to sleep my bosom is your pillow. If you need to get drunk, I'll buy the bottle. Even if you just need to be round someone and be 'normal' I'll crack the jokes. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I understand you may be feeling that you don't have much to give to us at the moment but I'm right here for you if you will let me be. I'm not going anywhere unless that's what you want. I'm thinking about you....always xxx I just hope he has kept it and will re-read it at some point. He said it meant a lot to him at the time and that it was as if I had read his thoughts. I do think that I may have over stepped the mark last week when I tried to visit him - I texted and phoned but he didn't reply. I explained I just wanted to check if he was ok and that there was no pressure. The next day (our coffee date day) he called it off so I wonder if I was too pushy? And you are right, I'm grieving in a way too and it's hurts so badly that both of us are mourning a loss but can't do it together. My friends and family are not understanding unfortunately. They say move on and that he has no right to treat me like this. So I am keeping it to myself hence the need for this forum. Any more advice would be appreciated about contact. I wonder if I even enter his thoughts during this horrible time for him

I have been reading other posts with keen interest regarding this topic and hope I can get some advise. My boyfriend and I are both 40 and have known each other since our early school days however we hadn't been in contact for 20 years apart from being FB friends. Anyway, we recently reconnected and things went at lightening speed!! Our connection was like nothing either of us had experienced before and we were both blown away but very happy to have found 'true love'. He adored me and I him and he was constantly telling me how happy I made him. I was aware when we first go together that his Mum was in the final stages of cancer but he assured me that he was ready for us and that it is what his Mum would have wanted - for him to be happy. He actually took me to see her in her hospice because he wanted us to meet before her death. 2 days before his Mum's death he was beginning to pull away from me, but I understood that her dying was imminent and told him I understood. He constantly told me how grateful he was that I was there for him and I assured him that it would always be the case. The night she died I was with him and when he returned from the hospice he just wanted to 'get drunk and be normal'. However the next day I think realty set in and when he came round that evening he lost his temper over something trivial and walked out. Again I understood and told him that. However the next day he texted saying he needed time alone and asked me to understand. I replied saying I did understand and to get in touch when he was ready. 4 days passed and the day of the funeral arrived. I attended but stayed out of sight so as not to distress him. I did however text him afterwards to say that I thought the service was lovely and that he was still in my thoughts. He responded positively and I then suggested coffee to which he said 'I think we should, that would be nice'. So we set up a coffee date for 2 days in advance but when I messaged him on the day he said that he wasn't going to manage. I asked him if he would like me to stop getting in touch and he replied that he thought it would be best as he had nothing to give to a relationship of any sort and that he was sorry. I sent a long heart felt message back saying that I understood, that I would respect his wishes and telling him how much I cared about him and reminding him to look after himself. That was 5 days ago and I had no reply and nothing since. I'm so worried about him! I love this man and prior to his Mum dying I know he was in love with me. I so desperately want to be there for him but I don't want to force him! I don't know whether I should send him a message to say that I'm still here for him or just leave him. I was planning on leaving it for a few weeks then sending a card with a letter for him but I don't want him to think I've abandoned him. Can anyone advise??