Mom's angel

I'm sorry about your mom.. I lost my mom when I was 20.. Its close to 2 years now.. I was always terrified with the thought of losing her and just like you I thought I'd be devastated if anything like that ever happened.. It was sudden.. And during the time when she was in hospital i never had the courage to stay with her longer.. I wasn't there when she died. The guilt of not being there still haunts me.. I was not crying a lot.. It was like I was denying the fact. I still cannot believe it.. And still I have nightmares (sleep paralysis too) and dreams.. And when I wake up it hits me like the first time. I guess I'm accepting it slowly idk because its getting harder with the passing time. We all react differently. Talking to someone helps.. But to let it out and express your emotions is hard.. You can take your time also most of the people who have not experienced such loss don't understand and sometimes they even say the wrong things unintentionally but some people do understand.

Thank you kayc <3 yep its a long way ahead I guess.. Just the start and it will get harder with time as I'll move further away from the time that I last met her physically.. It breaks my heart. It does feel like a life sentence and it will take time but I guess I'll learn to live with it :/. A part of the poem Your Mother, Your Angel by Natasha Jordan "You look back on memories you forgot you had, And at times you'll smile even though it hurts so bad" That's really true.. Old memories brings a smile with tears :') Another one that I like is.. "Death Unnoticed~Harold Daigle Out there in the Milky Way, Where a billion stars call home, When you look really close, You'll see that each is alone. No one less important When lighting the evening skies, Yet very few take notice When one of them dies. A black hole is created; A dark shadow is cast, And only those who are closest Fear how long this will last. The void that has been left there Seems to draw all within. Only time has the power to Help the light shine again."

I tried to do things, kept myself distracted.. But in the core I was always revolving around the loss that I suffered.. I'm still at the same place.. Its been a really long and the toughest journey without my mom till now.. I'm having this feeling of enough now.. Like no more fighting but I know I gotta keep moving. Its still feels like the day I lost her..

Its been a long time.. Life got into so much that I had no time.. Its close to a year mark now, but it still hurts the same though I've learned to better manage things, but not the pain. It hurts as the time passes, I had a beautiful experience confirming my mom's presence and that gave me much strength.

I can feel your pain.. I'm so sorry.. I don't know what else to say.. Her death still hits me hard everyday. Seeing her in dreams and then on waking up realizing the truth is horrible.. Sometime it just suffocates me... I still need her, I still do

I've decided to go to the university in which my mom wanted me to go.. It is a big step for me.. I'm collecting all my courage to just do it.. To do it for her.. For her belief in me... It's starting from Monday... And I'm going there.. The place is new, the life I'll be living there is different.. This past days most of the time I've been in my room, thoughts are spinning in my head.. But I'm just shaking it all off and have decided to do it.. I knew She'll be with me all the time..

Hey, I just read your post. I'm so sorry. I lost my mom 20 Nov 2015.. I'm 21 and she was 42... Each and every word of your post is what I feel... Just the 'one more time' is always there... Guilt is something that surrounds me too as I was not with my mom when she took her last breath and it hurts to even type it all.. This is an amazing site and you'll find support from all the lovely and understanding people here.. I have cried a million tears.. Singing the song " the scientists " by coldplay... The song perfectly describes what I want to tell my mom... That I want her to be back.. That I want to go back to the start..

Kayc, thanks for supporting me, I understand what you're saying and I'll try my best this time also. Kristin2, you are also doing a lot of things and it is inspiring. I feel good after posting here. Thanks for replying guys. My mom is a great inspiration for me, she faced many difficulties and raised her children, today the Person I'm, my way of thinking and everything is because of her. She did so many things for me and I sure can try studying in the university that she wanted me to be in and make her proud.

Amber, I feel for you and I totally understand you. You suffered a lot, losing a beloved one is not easy. My mom was 42 when she died and I'm 21 now and I know it's not easy to fill the void that is there after their death. Like yours my mom was the third child that my grandparents lost. Just like you I have many questions to ask and I keep on asking them without getting any answer. This place is nice and safe to express our feelings at such difficult time, there are good, caring and supportive people here, they'll reply soon. Hugs!!! Mom's angel

I know I should be but I'm not. I'm scared, I don't know if I can go through all of this once again. I don't know if I would pass this time? I just want to hear my mom's opinion about my fears, my admission. Right now I want her so bad that I can do anything literally anything to talk to her, to hug her and cry my insecurities out.

Thank you kayc and kristin2, No I'm not seeing any grief counselor, I can't find any. ( I'll search for the course, kayc). Today I'm feeling very lowww. So the thing is my family and friends they encouraged me to give entrance exams for two top universities. I thought I won't be able to pass any but to my surprise I passed them and was among the 20 selected students out of some 800 students in one university and was among 120 selected students for the other university. I selected the one that was my mom's and mine dream university. We discussed it before I started the college, we discussed about that uni when I was in my third year. We both admired the university but the problem is now I'm not happy instead my admission is making me feel sad. It is all I ever wanted but it is of no importance without my mom, I just don't know where my life is going..

I'm feeling depressed again, it's like the progress I've made till this day is all gone and I'm standing right at the first day of the grief journey. I've been like this since two days, again feeling like 'I cannot do it anymore'.

Beautiful

Pretty much like me and mom, we shared everything, I talked to her about everything even my clothes selection, now I'm a blunder at that. My grandmother and grandfather had 5 children and they lost their second son and their youngest daughter many years ago and they were surviving somehow for their 3 children and out of them my mom was the youngest and she died at 42 . death of a child is the most painful and heartbreaking loss for patents, it is horrifying. Our beloved ones are always round us and they best knows when we need sign from them. I hope you'll soon receive a sign from your mother.

Thank you Marty, you've also been a great support.