Chel

Thank you. I know sometimes after pouring one's heart out, it's kinda hard to find words to comfort people. I'm just glad I've found this site. Reading people's stories reminds me that I'm not alone.

No one mentioned my Dad on Thanksgiving. It was his favorite holiday. We didn't even have pumpkin pie this year, his favorite. Now that mom is remarried, I wonder if she thinks about him much anymore. She forgot the pumpkin pie, so maybe not. At Christmas, my aunt (dad's sister) came over and brought pumpkin pie. She specifically said it was in Dad's memory. I hugged my aunt for that. I miss my Dad dearly, and I feel like nobody gives him a second thought anymore... I guess my point here is that I can understand how you feel when nobody mentions the person who is missing. It's sad. And it does hurt.

Forgive me. I'm typing this via iPhone: There will be typos and grammar errors. I'm not really used to things like this. I guess the best place to start is the beginning. My father died in June of 2012. He was 52 years old. We were at a family reunion in Ohio, a camp ground. He was talking to my uncle about his stand up comedy routines, when suddenly he began gasping for air. The doctors say he died of a heart attack and that he pretty much died at the camp ground. He had been so content. It was so sudden. We never got to say goodbye... My life seemed to change drastically after that. My husband of 5 years sexually assaulted me, then cheated on me with our mutal friend, and we ultimately separated. I remember telling my family what he did to me. No one seemed to really care or make sure I was okay. My brothers are actually still "good friends" with my ex and claim he's a good guy despite knowing what he did to me. I don't think I can ever forgive them for that. At family functions I smile and pretend I'm okay and don't feel any negative feelings about their loyalty to my attacker, but inside it's tearing me apart. I find myself wondering what my Dad would have done if he had been here. He'd have kicked his ass. He'd have done something. He'd have supported me... Maybe I deserved what happened. Maybe I changed since my Dad's death and my husband didn't feel the love anymore. Maybe he was needy and I just didn't have the energy anymore. I felt angry after my dad died. I didn't know why "God" took him from me. I was questioning a lot in my life. Somedays, I'm okay. I carry on like everything is fine. Then there are days like this where I feel so empty and alone. Since my divorce, I've found a new man who is very supportive. He knows what happened between my ex and me, and he's very loving and kind. But he never met my Dad. He never experienced loss like I have. I appreciate his support, but he can not fully comprehend how I feel. I hate that my dad is gone. I want to talk to him, to tell him everything that's happened and to hear his wise words of encouragement. I wish my brothers would have supported me and at least threatened to kick my ex's ass. Also, my mom remarried recently and I feel like she's so content in her new life that she forgets about Dad. We always have pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. It's dad's favorite. But this year, it was left out. Forgotten. Why?! It was never forgotten before! It's stupid things like this that eat at me. I just want my Dad back. I didn't have the best relationship with my dad, but I still want him back. I want to be strong like he was. I want to be confident like him. I don't know why I'm here. I stumbled across this site and decided to sign up and write a post to express my pain. I just wish I could go back in time and change so many things, like all the wasted time I should have spent with my Dad, or ever marrying my ex in the first place. But I can't. I'm left feeling empty. I just want my Dad back.....