Raven12

Thank you KayC

Hello all, I stayed away to clear my head and move forward after my "back then" boyfriend and I stopped seeing eachother. Matt and I had been seeing each other for almost a year, knew each other in high school, both in our 50's now, and I was also good friends with his sister. His son was tragically killed in a car crash in Nov. of 2015. He went into a horrible spiral, and by the following January of last year, we were seeing eachother less and less. I was the one to take the step of giving him space. I knew he needed it. We kept in touch sporadically and are still friends on facebook. I've seen him twice now, once in August at a local art fair, and then in October he took me out to dinner, and said he wanted to get back together. Well.....he drifted again. Only this time, I'm so much different. I don't pursue him when he drifts away. And I don't put my life on hold. It's been very hard, but I have boundaries now. If he stops contact, I don't initiate it. And ironically, he does in time, but we haven't seen each other since October. To add to the grief that he is trying so hard to get past, his sister died three days ago. I did talk to him on the phone and am going to the visitation this weekend. We come from a very small town and many of my friends will be there, and I am wise and strong enough to support him without expectation of a relationship. This was one of the hardest things I have gone through. Matt and I did not break up, there were never any words of ceasing the relationship. We were great together. But it just ended. And what I've learned is that you go on with your life, and keep the interaction friendly and supportive, but never discuss what happened to "us". Grief happened. And grief is huge and consumes the person involved. You don't project it onto yourself and wonder if you could have been a better girlfriend or boyfriend. I did all that a year ago, and realized it wasn't me. He cares, I know that now, and I will always care about him. He and I have done more talking in a year than we have the whole time we were together, about real things, like life and how precious it is. Who knows what the next year will bring. I don't for a minute give him the impression that I'm sitting around in a corner waiting. But he does know I care. But for now, everyone please, if you are going through what I did, take these words of advice. Go out and enjoy your life, and whatever it brings you. And don't wait by the phone, but be supportive if they do call. If you're busy, be busy. If your free, say so. Just don't ever put your life on hold. Give them their time to grieve.

Hello all, I posted on here a few times about my boyfriend, who lost his 22 year old son in a bad car crash in early December. He began drifting from me, and I felt it best to give him room to process his son's death, along with other family issues that were consuming him. That was back in early February. We continued to text off and on, he made it clear he missed me, but no attempt to see me until around late April. We made dinner plans and talked by phone, and he cancelled twice. He told me he would leave it up to me if I wanted to reschedule. That was the deciding factor for me, and I never did reschedule with him, it was time to take some pride in my self worth. As hard as it was I let more and more time lapse without sending a text to check on him. The last time I "talked" to him was via facebook messenger in May. So I decided it was time to let go, even though we are still "friends" on facebook. His sister sent me a message about six weeks ago and told me that he had basically had a nervous breakdown at the scene of the crash. It was around then that I sought counseling for myself and had to hear what I already knew. That Matt needed to find his own way and do his own healing, whatever that means for him. It wasn't about me, I had to stop searching for what I could have done to help. He wanted his son back, and his life was a nightmare. So.....I started doing things for me as hard as it has been. I have bad days, but I'm feeling better about myself and putting my focus on my own happiness. I went down South a few weeks ago on a fabulous vacation with some girlfriends and worked on my photography. He "liked" a photo I posted of myself, which I take as a good thing. I know he cares for me, but somehow I feel stronger and better about myself not chasing after him, but rather to let him have his space. I guess that is what they mean by unconditional love. Doing what is best for the other person.

Chinup, I'm so happy for you regarding the interview! And for blocking facebook. I agree with you Kayc, it does make it harder to "watch" what the other is doing. Matt's still on mine and so are his sisters, his one sister and I converse on there from time to time. I never ask her how he is, I keep it light and simple. It doesn't bother me to see him posting, in a way it lets me know how he is doing. I still worry about him. I'm not so confident all the time, and often have to re-read my own advice or the advice of others to keep me strong. So glad I've met so many wonderful and strong women on here to talk to! Thank you to all of you!

Over the past several days I've begun to think about things differently. Perhaps Matt wasn't the right man for me after all. He and I have a lot in common, but there were things that I wasn't okay with either. I refuse to close off any future chances for true happiness. Perhaps we could all view this as time to look within ourselves for things we would like to change, or new experiences to explore. New social circles. One of my favorite things to do is go on Meetup.com and search for activities or social events to attend (it's not a dating site). Admittedly its too fresh and painful for you Jaded to be in that place yet, your circumstances could change for the better yet. For the rest of us, there's a whole world out there to take part in. I'm not saying dating necessarily, but being happy and content with things as they are. They say that if you sit and stare at the closed doors too long, you don't see the ones that are opening.

Jaded, I think texting is fine unless a lot of time passes without in person contact. I did text Matt frequently after deciding to give him space. And he would always return one to me, even saying he was thinking about me as well. But then it got very sporadic, and I even tried to call once and got a text two days later. I wouldn't say not to text, I guess you have to go with how he responds to it. I don't think they have the opportunity to process their own grief or feelings about us if we make it too easy either. I haven't messaged mine in two weeks and don't plan to. He did like two of my posts on facebook a week ago. Not sure how to interpret that LOL Happy he did....yes.....my idea of making an effort to communicate......NO. I'm not in high school anymore. Cathy I know what you mean about ripping open wounds. That's what I'm afraid of by taking the initiative to ask him to dinner again. Nope. His turn. I agree with you that we need to put ourselves into things that we enjoy and not spend time pondering why things happened the way they did.

Sorry Kayc, I missed that in the posts. That would make it so much more difficult. As for me, I've put mine in a different place, acceptance of what is. That is honestly the only choice all of us have. My thoughts are with you Jaded, stay strong.

Dear Jaded11, I am going through this as well with the man that I considered my boyfriend for a year. Things were going along wonderfully for us, and the day after we celebrated successes for both of us, his son was tragically killed in a car accident. He was only 22, and it was a few weeks before Christmas last year. I stood by his side through the memorial and funeral, and he kept in contact with me over the next two months, although we saw each other sporadically. Then things changed and he began to isolate himself and cancel plans with me. I understood and gave him his space until he started being busy every weekend. Then I talked with him and said it was time to give him some room to process his son's death, that was in February. We maintained contact by texts only and a few weeks ago he agreed to dinner with me, my suggestion. All was fine until he cancelled twice, and I finally got annoyed, telling him that he needed to treat me like I matter in his life. He apologized and offered to reschedule but I haven't heard from him since, that was two weeks ago. I miss him, but feel that he needs this time so badly to learn how to live life without his son. And I cannot imagine the horrific grief he must be going through. Stay busy, focus on your life and answer him if you hear from him. Don't call and text, take it from my experience, I tried that, and it backfired. The only thing that seemed to work with mine was giving him room and letting him reach out. Unfortunately I don't know how to handle my own situation either right now. I was making progress and getting him to open up to me, but grief that is that deep has such a heavy toll on someone.

Hello all, Thank you for the nice comments today about my contact with Matt. We've conversed a couple of times today by facebook messages. He did say that he's been crying a lot down there, he and his son had a contract down there that they used to work on together. I am grateful he is reaching out to me. Beautiful snow photo ChinUp, I love that! I'm so used to living alone and doing my own yardwork, household stuff. I am lazy though I hire a landscape company to do the grass, I work long hours sometimes and it's hard to keep up with it. This is my 16th year living on my own, I've been very cautious with letting anyone move in with me after bad experiences when my kids were younger. I'm not against living together with someone though and will know when the time is right.

My morning started off wonderful. I've been making my facebook time very limited, every other day or so, and keeping busy. I had a message indication and some other notifications, and I love how facebook now sends you a email to let you know that "my friends miss you" ha ha ha.... I went on this morning and checked my messages and it was from Matt. He is down in New Orleans and was at a club last night, one of the performers sang his son's favorite song for him. He sent me a video clip of it. I cried the whole way through it and replied back thanking him for sending it to me and that it brought me to tears. I was so happy he thought of me, and so happy to be part of something so special to him. What a wonderful way to start my day! One step at a time......

Wow KayC.....gorgeous dog!

Adorable! ❤️ You have a wonderful night as well!

Yeah KayC......I keep having to remind myself that it isn't about me, but I get my days where I start to go over the chain of events. Today was one of those down days, and I got tearful on the way home from work. I last got a text from him Friday, and there was no indication of getting together. I've learned to keep my answers simple and short. Sorry for what you went through ChinUp, we all need to keep cheerleading eachother to not backslide and let our emotions get the best of us.

Thank you for your reply Chin-up, may I ask what your circumstances were, what happened to cause the separation? I agree with not wanting to open ourselves for rejection. A coworker told me again today to contact Matt. I did call him a couple of weeks ago and left a nice message saying I was concerned and missed talking to him. Two days later I get a text and he says "he is doing somewhat better and work is awful.". I took that as opportunity to converse and he said "he would talk to me soon". It is no wonder we don't want to intiate anything. ?