Hi, just a bit of history with me. I am a 40 year old single mother (father is completely not involved) of a 9 year old daughter. My mother was my everything and she loved her granddaughter more than anything. We talked everyday, went out, did everything together, went on trips. My life always included her, she is my best friend. Two years ago she was diagnosed with a rare cancer and life started to go down hill. My mother's husband (not my father) was not able to deal with doctors so I jumped right into. Last year my brother was also diagnosed with Cancer. Then on April 5th 2016 my mom passed away. I would have panic attacks thinking of having to live life without her, I was only 39 and now both parents were gone. I constantly called my brother and my sister crying, them to. It was just a very hard time for all of us. Two months after my mom passed away, I found out that I had breast cancer(early stage). To say the last two years have been hard is an understatement. Long story short I had to get a lumpectomy then chemo and I am almost done radiation.
During my mom's cancer journey, it stressed me greatly. There were upsetting family issues taking place, I was at the hospital 3-4 times a week and then taking calls from doctors/specialists while working and raising my daughter. I somehow feel I brought the cancer on by neglecting myself and upsetting myself. That said, my cancer journey has kept me busy to say the least and as it is almost done I have trouble grieving my mom. I mean I can think of her and than be upset because I miss her, but as soon as I start, I think that by living life this way that I am not being grateful for having an early stage cancer while others do not get so lucky. Then if I don't grieve my mom and stop myself from doing it, I feel I am dishonouring her memory like she meant nothing. This I struggle with this especially since my daughter comes to me at times to tell me how much she misses grandma.
I did initially see a grief counsellor prior to finding out I had cancer but I guess I expected more. Not because the counsellor was not good, but I guess I was looking for an unrealistic expectation of feeling better or somehow that my mom dying was not real (although I know it is very real).
Not sure how to proceed with this.