Finch

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    189
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About Finch

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 04/02/1981

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Long Distance Friendship, Love and Soulmate
  • Date of Death
    11/01/2016
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    UK

Recent Profile Visitors

688 profile views
  1. Thanks Marty. I get that everyone is well intentioned and I appreciate that people were trying to help, and everyone has their own views and experiences. I overestimated my ability to handle or react to it. This is all of my own doing, and I really want to just move on.
  2. Sorry. I should have explained more clearly. I see now how it appeared. It's just so complicated. Sorry again. Thanks for your concern Kay.
  3. You're right Gwen. I couldn't handle it and wasn't prepared for what I heard. I shouldn't have asked the question. What hurt me deeply though was not the advice/opinions I didn't want to hear, but rather the feeling of being judged, by Marg. I read countless times on this site how people are grateful that they don't feel judged here, that it is a safe place, somewhere for them to be able to relate their grief without that feeling. But right now, I feel absolutely judged, based on what I feel are inaccurate assumptions about my situation. It feels sharply painful, to be made to feel like I am an evil person, when I know I have done nothing BUT take into account the feelings and grief of her family and friends, at the complete expense of my own. The reality is, it's so, so frustrating having to try and explain or convey or justify the complexities or history of my situation and I think my efforts to do so on here, and the need I feel to do so, are actually routed in my own insecurities and regrets. It's easier when talking to a counsellor face to face who sees the expressions on my face and who I have been able to paint a clearer picture to. Marg and everyone else, I apologise to you for this episode and thanks to you all for having been there for me when I sought this place, it was a lifesaver. Thanks.
  4. Thanks for comparing me to a stalker. I know what DaveM was trying to get at with his story, but you are just outright calling me a stalker and also implying that they should 'take steps' to treat me like one, and that I deserve closure in the fullest of terms! (i.e. 'I know what my Billy would have done'). My "life with her" as you put in quotation marks, was as real as anyone else's on this website, whether it was on paper, digital or whatever. Maybe it's too "unconventional" for you to fully understand. I get that and it's not easy to relate to. But I also know love is love, and I know what she felt about me. If you have read and understood my story at all then you should agree with this. You do not know nearly enough about me or my "relationship" with Crystal, or indeed about her "relationship" with her husband, to pass such a judgement on me. And yes, he knows about me, and he also knows that I know about him. As evidenced by this current dilemma about contact, I have enough trouble seeking validation for my relationship from those that knew her, I don't expect to have it so ruthlessly questioned like that. Thanks everyone for your advice. This is a complex and unusual situation that doesn't necessarily conform to a usual answer. Please see things from my point of view, just a little bit. Once again, I really do care about how this might affect them. I AM WELL AWARE THAT THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE THIS IS ABOUT OTHER THAN ME. That's been my NUMBER ONE consideration, as opposed to MY OWN FEELINGS, because I don't want to hurt the people in Crystal's life. It's why I have spent a year and a half torturing myself by resisting sending any more messages. To clarify, my counsellor did not advise me to come out with the full disclosure to her family, or necessarily to send the pictures etc. She suggested that if it is eating me up this much, I should send one more message to Crystal's friend. If I get no response, I should accept it. If I get a response, fair enough. Thanks Dave for your story, I can relate to some parts of it, especially the bits about your relationship with Dana's husband and sons. Thanks scba, I understand what you are saying and thank you for acknowledging that my needs are also important. I know I don't have a blank cheque. The problem is, my cheque book is on the table and the pen is in my hand and I'm struggling to put it down. I am not intending to just write to them and say 'Oh Hello, here are some photos and videos of Crystal and by the way we were in love for 12 years and she kept it secret from everyone'. I would try and be alot more subtle, such as: 'Hi, it's Crystal's penpal from the UK again. We talked several months ago if you recall. I am writing again as I have a bunch of photos she sent me over the years and I really wanted you to have them, just in case you don't have your own copies. I think she would want you to see them. ' etc etc
  5. For what it is worth, I imagined a whole conversation asking her what she thought I should do, and she was OK with it and gave me a big hug.
  6. I accept what you are saying. Maybe closure is the wrong word. But there is no doubt that this specific thing has tortured me, and it's something I can tangibly do to address one way or the other, to allow me to focus more on other areas of my grief. In a complex situation where I have had no control, this is one thing I do have control over. Should I just let this specific aspect continue to plague my mind every night? It is 5am here, I woke up an hour ago because of the same conflict within me, and it's porous into other areas of my life. Don't I deserve some respite from it, finally?Is my pain worth less? I've tried giving it time, but it won't go away. It will be here a year from now, this nagging feeling. Do I just live with it when I can do something about it? Let's take me and my motivations out of the equation just for a moment. Don't you think that a year and a half on, there might be a chance that there will be some benefit to doing this? That they will see these unseen pictures as a priceless gift and be grateful to see them? Just to clarify, it would not be my plan to explicitly disclose anything about the relationship. I don't want that. Just to share the pictures as a close penpal, which is already what I presented myself as in the communications I had with them last year. The risk part comes from what they might assume, not from what I say to them.
  7. Thanks Marty for your reply. I decided to work through your questions to help me figure this out. What do I hope will happen if I do this? That whomever I contact is happy to see the photos etc, that they view them as absolutely priceless gifts, and that I am able to create a firmer link with Crystal's life. That my relationship with her is validated more. That I will get, finally, some closure. Finally. Finally. Is that any different from what could happen if I do this? Yes. Depending on who I contact, I could shock them and cause them upset. For instance contacting her friends is less of a risk than contacting her parents. They may not reply at all. However, is it not also possible that, with the time that has passed, they may be able to deal with the realisation? As Kay said earlier after I posed the question, learning more about a person helps you better understand them. It's not like I would go into detail about anything. I wouldn't outright say it was a relationship. They would probably figure it out though based on me having all these things they haven't seen. Whose need am I meeting here? Mine, totally mine. But why isn't it ok to think of myself in this scenario? I have struggled with this lack of closure for a year and a half and I have held back from doing this purely because I am taking into consideration their likely feelings. So it's not like I haven't put their feelings first. I have. But what about my feelings? I will never be able to let this go. It still eats at me. Crystal kept me secret, yes. That is a fact. But the one fact that has changed is that she is no longer here. So that changes everything. Everything. I am left with the pain and the grief and I also am confident that she would be ok with me contacting her friends, and probably her father, as long as I did it in a careful and considerate way, and my brief contacts with them thus far have been measured, considerate and subtle. What is the point of doing that? It will be a form of closure. My grief counsellor, who I have discussed this with every week for over a year, thinks I should put my feelings first this time. I have been having nightmares lately, very vivid dreams. All because of the back and forth I keep having with myself over what is the right thing to do. Every weekend I nearly send the messages. And then I chicken out. I can't keep doing this. I need this for closure. Why am I the bad guy in this story? Don't I deserve the closure? I wasn't there at her side at the end. I wasn't at the memorial service. I loved her Infinity times more than her husband did. But I am the one in the shadows. So this is a way to try and close a chapter. I should point out, the husband DOES know about me. So it wouldn't be news to him (not that I plan on contacting him specifically). Who stands to benefit from that? Me, mainly. Them if they are able to understand it. Maybe it turns out really well and they are grateful for what I share with them. But there is also the possibility that if they do not receive it well, I will upset them, and that will not be a benefit to me, because I will feel bad. So... me. But is that a bad thing? A year and a half has passed. I've been ultra patient and I sometimes get so, so angry that I have to live in these shadows. Crystal wouldn't want this for me.
  8. And yes, my motives are not selfless, but they are also not selfish. Somewhere in the middle.
  9. Hi Marty, yes, this is why I am asking the question of what you would all do in that situation, because I can't know what they would want. They haven't asked for the materials because they don't know they even exist, so this is entirely in my hands. I can only imagine or assume they might want to see them. But I can also only imagine or assume how they might react. My objective is for some of the lovely pictures/videos I have to be shared to those others that love her.
  10. Thanks Kay. If it were me, I would want to see them. I am asking as I am trying to imagine how Crystal's friends might react were I to share the pictures/videos I have of her with them. But this will naturally make them ask themselves why someone they don't know has all this stuff, given our relationship was not known. And thus possibly change their perception of her. But like you say, maybe they could work through it and it would be worth it to see her laugh and smile in these pictures.
  11. Question: If you lost someone very close and you had the chance to see photos or videos or hear audio of them that you had never ever seen or heard before, of them smiling and laughing etc, would the potentially priceless nature of seeing these outweigh the negatives or possible hurt or shock of simultaneously discovering that that person had significant parts of their life you didn't know about and perhaps altered your perception of them? Let's also suppose that some time has passed since that person was lost so maybe the grief and pain isn't as intense and maybe you are in a better place to handle such a shock and perhaps even more receptive to it. Would you be glad to be able to see this material?
  12. Happy Mother's Day Polly.