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About Widowedbysuicide

  • Rank
    I'm Marita

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    january 5/16
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Vancouver Island, BC. Canada
  • Interests
    Animals, fabrics, sewing and quilting.
  1. Thank you for the birthday wishes. The virtual cake was delightful. Quadruple chocolate with strawberries and whipped cream mmmmm. And NO calories, perfect! Wishing you a happy birthday Gin. I do know it hurts beyond words but I wish for some little bit of happiness in your day. πŸ’“
  2. Today is my 60th birthday. Last year wasn't so bad at 59 but this birthday is noticably difficult without Gord. I always expected to share our 60's through our 70's enjoying each other's company. Taking life a little easier and just for ourselves. It sure makes me sad that we didn't take more time for each other when instead we were looking after aging parents, especially his family. To celebrate my son has gone for πŸ•. No delivery here in the sticks πŸ˜‰
  3. Thinking of you George. πŸ’“
  4. The Silence

    With all you do to show support for others I sure hope the medical will kick in soon. You are amazingly strong to do so much under less than good circumstances. I hope you are feeling free from your medical problems and are feeling refreshed soon ❀️
  5. Thank you @kayc. I feel the support of this cyber family. I am so greatfull to have everyone here to share with. We can cry together or even laugh together and it holds me up and reminds me that I'm doing the best I can. Hugs to everyone
  6. My going through hell has been filled with all the usual things that happen after the death of a longtime life partner. Some things are different because my husband made the decision to end his life without any warning to me. We had no Will in place and very little money to cover expenses. I have lost so much since his death. There have been pet cats that have passed, my one horse had to be euthanized in September and before the year ended another horse died of old age. Girlfriends have moved away and everyone I cared about and that cared about me is gone. I feel betrayed by my in-laws since my mother-in-law passed in December. I was devastated when I found out that some of my husband's cremains were spread in an area where people take their dogs to toilet them. When I told my sister-in-law that's what happens there she simply said, "I don't care". That more than adequately sums up the concern they have for me. I can't feel any comfort hugging a box of cremains. I was hoping with this month things would improve. I will be 60 on Wednesday and I feel like a discarded person. I've done my best for people only to be treated poorly. I am angry with myself for being so desperate for a friend to talk to that I allowed myself to be used as a taxi driver, a person to dump rage and hate on, and to be demeaned by a person I thought was a friend. I feel angry and stupid. Someday I hope I will smarten up and use better judgement. The trade off for a few good conversations and two lunches was to have my husband's suicide thrown in my face. This man wrote to me on messanger, β€œare you that naive? and are you the only one that dosen't know why Gord took his life? Or are you just in denial? Not trying to be mean but cyber and phone friends are not friends. I tried.” and finally, β€œMy life is good. I just want one true friend. Not users.” I honestly don't know how much more abuse I can take. This is the same person that was threatening suicide and thought it was funny. He owes me money that I will never get back but that is not the worst of it. What is worse is he has stolen my confidence and my sense of security. He chose to hurt me this way because I stopped asking how high when he told me to jump. I refused to continue being his puppet. Mistakenly I told him that I have reconnected with my first boss. I can not make sense of this and I'm shaken to the core. Thanks for listening. I really don't trust myself to trust anyone. Yet I know I need to talk to someone about how worthless and shameful I feel.
  7. All over the place, emotionally

    Joy1974 this forum has helped me in so very many ways. I hope you will find it working for you too.
  8. I'm so lost

    Please take care. You are a great guy and I'm so glad you are looking into a group for yourself. Hugs to you πŸ’“
  9. All over the place, emotionally

    Joy1974 I feel for you. πŸ’“ The emotional s__t storms are exhausting. Marty has some great advice about caring for yourself and I hope you will. From one Canuck to another, welcome sister. I am glad you're here but I wish like he__ you didn't need to be. A virtual hug sure doesn't do the same as the real thing but I'm sending you some anyway. πŸ’“
  10. To Sleep Or Not

    I have several audio books that I listen to. My husband, such a great guy, he used to read to me at night or if there wasn't a book he liked he would make up stories. His voice was soothingly deep and it didn't take long before I would drift off into a restful sleep. I also felt so safe and loved. However; since his suicide, my sleep has not been as restful as it was but I am able to sleep and return to sleep if I awaken during the night. My racing mind is able to focus on the story or the voice and I fall asleep. It's funny that I sleep so much better during the daytime than I do at night. I think the darkness is less safe feeling and so I don't fully relax until the day starts to lighten. I listen to the disks over and over again. Some disks are almost worn out now. Subject matter doesn't matter much to me but the voice and rhythm of the reader does. I have a largish collection of cd's, mp3's, and some things from the internet and I am so thankful that they are working for me.
  11. I'm so lost

    If I could do anything to help someone I would choose to try to help you Butch. You have had so many highs and excitement with pregnancies mixed in then with the horrendous lows of losing too many loved ones these past few years. I believe that you need someone there to be helpful and supportive of you. I will pray for angels to help you. I can not do anything myself but I think angels πŸ‘Ό could. Sending you some sisterly love and hugs ❀️
  12. Thinking of you and praying for some moments of peace for your heart.
  13. Tired Of Being Strong

    This life we are living is difficult at best and it is made so much harder when we are feeling so alone and misunderstood. So sorry for the struggling you are doing @Cookie. I sure hope there are better times to come, not that I think there will be a time without my husband that could be better than even the worst moments with him. 18 months and grieving for you Gord ❀️
  14. Letting Go

    I so agree with Ana. Especially that this IS YOUR PLACE. None of us want to have a reason to be here but since we have lost our partners this is a great place to call home.
  15. Thinking of you George. It is hotter than the bad place here. Well, for me it's hot if it's above 85Β°F Good for you letting your sister do things she previously offered to do. It takes a lot of energy to work with people who seem to work against you and yet claim they do it all. I hope all goes well with your Dad's health and yours too. I thought Whoppers were supposed to be 'your way' and I don't think you got what you expected. Thanks for the laugh πŸ˜‰