Thank you both for your thoughtful, wise responses. I know you are right about it not being my fault.
I have let go of that guilt, but am still finding mixed emotions to deal with everywhere I turn. Visitation was yesterday from 5-8. I found myself thinking how nice it was having three hours to visit and reminisce with friends and loved ones, and then the next minute, I was thinking how emotionally exhausting it was. One minute I was telling friends we'll get through it, because we know she is happy, the next minute I couldn't believe she was gone. It bothers me that I didn't cry when I saw her. All I could think about was that she didn't look like herself and it was really sad that I never got to take her to her first appointment with her new hair stylist. I don't remember crying during visitation at all. It wasn't until after it was over, when I was carrying leftover pizzas to the car, that I put my head down on the trunk and cried. I'm sure all this is somehow "normal." It sure doesn't seem that way when it's happening though.
The thing that bothers me most about yesterday is family tension and conflict. That's one of the most perplexing paradoxes in this situation is that on the days we set aside to honor and remember one of the people we love most, one of the most loving people I know, we forget how much we love each other. It wasn't anything huge, just stress and misunderstandings. I still hate it though, and it hope it doesn't pop up again today.
Nanny's funeral is today at 1:00pm. I know replies before then are unlikely, because of church and other weekend events. (Actually, different time zones. Just realized that. Anyway...) That is ok. I would still love to hear insights and anecdotes, and anything else you have to share. One thing that helps the most to remember, even in the midst of family conflict and emotional exhaustion, is that I am not alone.
