OkCrew

Hi BethAnn. You are not the only person going through this. My mom passed away suddenly about 10 months ago. She was the most important person in the world to me. She still is. I can't imagine taking care of kids during this ordeal. I myself shut down almost completely and slept all the time. I even managed to get a leave of absence from work for a while. It could be a blessing that you have your kids to force you to keep going day to day. Definitely cancel your dental appointment for now if it's not an emergency. I know exactly what you mean about the world going on while you feel frozen in place, about people seeming to expect you to be okay, and about feeling guilt for moments of happiness. I usually listen to music and "bop around" while in my car but I drove in silence for over 6 months-- feeling incredibly guilty about the possibility of enjoying an upbeat song. People who have gone through what you're going through (and believe me there are a lot of them) will likely tell you that you never get over losing your mom and that you just learn to live with it. Hearing that scared me a lot because I wanted someone to say that in time I would feel better. I'm telling you that you will feel better eventually. For me, I would say that I was a complete wreck for about 6 months, then deeply depressed but fully functional between 6 and 8 months, and now.... at 10 months feeling pretty decent and trying to live my life to the fullest in honor of my mom. Yeah, I still have some bad moments... but I'm finally to the point where thinking about her (which is all the time) makes me smile a little more than it makes me cry. Hang in there!

It was hard at first. He would cry all the time if I wasn't touching him and he didn't know where I was. Now he's back to being playful and spunky. It's amazing how well he gets around but I can't fully let my guard down or he could be seriously injured falling down stairs, into street sewers, or who knows where. Here's a sweet picture of him emerging from under my couch.

Hi Hol. You sound like me. I came and posted here in June after my mother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. I don't continue to post though-- I just lurk around and feel for others' pain but don't feel that I have the right words to say anything. Anyway, you remind me of myself. I have a small family and no friends sort of by choice because I am kind of antisocial. It was just my parents, my brother. and myself... and of course, my dogs. My mother was the center of everything. I cherish my remaining two family members but know that it is only a matter of time before none of us are left. I often think about big family gatherings as a child but all of those people (siblings of my grandparents) are gone now. One of my dogs died from a brain tumor the same week as my mother. In his last days, this large and normally friendly dog, who just wasn't himself, attacked my little 7 pound dog. The little guy survived but had to have both eyes surgically removed during that massively horrible week. I wish I could give you a hug. At least I can let you know that your story has given me some comfort because I feel a kinship with you. I hope things get better for both of us. I wish you peace.

I am very sorry for your loss JenniferK. I don't know what to say to make it and all of your anxieties better but I feel for you because I am going through something similar. I lost my Mom unexpectedly in mid-June and, outside of my own devastating grief, I am obsessed with figuring out how to ease my Dad's grief and anxious about him possibly dying at any moment. I haven't really figured out how to go on... but as I'm typing this I just realized that I am going on. It might sound like an empty platitude but you really do need to just take it day by day. I agree with kayc that you should think about your new house as something that would make your Dad proud and happy for you. Share the experience with your Mom, ask her advice on decorating, and, if you have the space, set up a guest room with things she loves and bring her to stay with you sometimes. Peace and hugs to you and you Mom.

Thank you.

Thank you MartyT and kayc. Yes, I am sure that was my Dad's way of coping. I guess I will ask him about the anniversary and plan to spend the day with him regardless of whether we are acknowledging it or not. I just had to put my dog to sleep about an hour ago. I think I'm going to take a sleep aid and call it a day.

Thank you Clematis. I am glad you were able to get so close to your dad and I hope you guys had some good times during those ten years. Being a caretaker can be draining. I have had that role before with my former husband after a severe head injury. My parents anniversary is coming up in a few days. How did you handle such things? The palliative care team at the hospital said that I should try to celebrate events like these with my Dad. That doesn't feel right to me. I'm not even sure if I should bring it up-- not acknowledging it doesn't feel right either. Edit: I guess the palliative care team didn't suggest we "celebrate" but definitely acknowledge. I'm still not sure my Dad would want to acknowledge the anniversary. He was in full avoidance mode during that week of home hospice-- running errands, including making funeral arrangements... anything to stay busy but not really dealing directly with my mother. That's always how he's been. He loved her very much but couldn't really sit with her or sit still at all.

Thank you. Peace to you as well.

Thank you for your reply. For the record, I don't walk around angry all the time. Different emotions come and go and come back again. I was having a bad time last night when I wrote that post. My mother is survived by my father, myself, and my brother. I worry about my Dad. He seems to be doing okay but I project great pain on to him-- like he can't possibly be coping. I know that everyone grieves differently and that I shouldn't assume he's just not processing. After 20 years of living geographically apart, my parents retired near me about 5 years ago. I'm glad I got to see my Mom day to day for these last few years. (We've always talked on the phone many many times a day-- before and after the move.) Now I am going back and forth to their house a lot to keep it running. Just as an example, my Mom has saltwater fish tanks that my Dad has no idea how to maintain. I could dismantle them and all the other things that may be too much work for him but I think, for the time being, I should try to keep his usual environment around him. It's good that you've been able to accept that you won't change anyone. I'm sorry for your losses. I had some difficult conversations with my mother's sister before my Mom passed. She worried and tried to talk to my mother about her drinking but had finally come to accept that it may lead to her death and there's nothing we can do about it. I, on the other hand, thought I might try to lock my mother in a box or something to protect her from herself! I often fantasize these days about going back in time 3-4 months and having a conversation with my Mom. I wonder if I could get her to listen to me now... if I would somehow pull out all the stops and say the right and most effective things knowing the horrible events just around the corner. Anyway, thank you again for listening.

I lost my Mom on June 18th. She was 69. She was a "young 69" too-- active and only just starting to get her first grey hairs this year. She had afib for most of her adult life which may have caused a warning stroke about 10 years ago. So, she was managed on blood thinners and we were always worried about strokes and heart problems. When this all went down 10 years ago she started drinking way too much. She never appeared to be drunk or impaired in any way but she was almost always slow nursing a martini and it worried me so much. She wouldn't listen to any of the family's concerns on this though and we had the array of doctors she saw for her other problems keep an eye on this throughout the years. She bruised easily because of the blood thinners. She frequently had fluid in her legs because of suspected congestive heart failure. She started to have trouble walking and a neurologist did an MRI and found some narrowing areas of her spine. This could be helped with back surgery which was being scheduled. She was finally going to get some relief! Because of her overall health issues, she had stopped drinking in early May. She replaced her martinis with a locally crafted cream soda habit that had started to give her a little paunch. So, she even started exercising! She had biweekly blood panels because of the blood thinners. On the evening of June 3rd she was feeling great and getting ready for a neighborhood party. We had just returned from a family vacation. Her doctor called because of elevated creatinine levels suggesting kidney problems. The doctor said to go to the ER-- she was admitted overnight for observation. She went from feeling fine to unconscious within two days. She had an end stage liver and failing kidneys. She was put into home hospice at the end of the week and she passed one week after that. So, now look back at my second paragraph. All of those explanations for those symptoms were false. She bruised easily because of her failing liver. She had fluid in her legs because of the failing kidneys. Her weak legs were also from the hepatorenal failure. The tummy paunch was not calories it was ascites. I understand a misdiagnosis, especially when doctors are not presented with a big picture but I don't understand how someone could see 2-3 doctors biweekly for years and have constant blood panels and have all doctors aware of her drinking and yet no one saw this coming. My father or I would go to these appointments so we know this wasn't just my mother keeping a secret about her health or lying to the doctors. We know they were aware of her drinking because it was all over her charts when she went to that ER. I felt what I believed to be a strong bias from the doctors and nurses because she "did this to herself". She wasn't eligible for a liver transplant because of the recent drinking. I asked to be tested for compatibility to donate half of my own liver to her but it wasn't followed up on seriously. In the end, I don't think she would have been able to survive the transplant operation anyway but I'm angry about the bias (that I at least perceived, was it real?) from the doctors in the hospital. I'm angry that when she had a brief moment of consciousness before leaving the hospital for home hospice, the doctors tried to pressure her into admitting she was an alcoholic. What was the point then? Were they going to pull out the "real treatment" then because she admitted it even though she was scheduled to go home to die? I'm angry that her usual physicians were all looking in the wrong direction the entire time. (She never had congestive heart failure.) I'm angry that she wouldn't stop or slow down her drinking or that I didn't try harder to stop her. I'm angry again about the missed diagnoses because when I did talk to her about her drinking she was able to respond with "That's not the problem, it's this this and this..." Mostly though I'm just heartbroken... I feel like I no longer can hold onto my life's goals because I don't have her to share them with. Thank you for letting me vent.