Meredith

And MartyT, thank you for all of the ideas on where to look! I'm feeling a little better today, but just can't shake the rock in my gut feeling. All I want to do is be with my dad right now. I am going to the doctor later today to see if there is anything to keep me from the extreme low I had yesterday. That one came out of the blue and I had to take the day off work. Since the Dr.'s office happens to be at the hospital, I am going to check on the grief counseling there as well. Much thanks and love to you and KayC for your words and help!!!

I just cannot thank you enough for sharing your dad experience with me and to offer all of the information!! Hearing that most have experience with the situation first hand makes me feel so much better about going to someone! Thank you so much and I really wish you were close by!

Thank you so much for the response! I really feel there is no one in my circle that really can understand. I'm the first in my close circle to lose a parent as an adult. I've thought about a grief counselor but then I start feeling better. Today it just hit me like a ton of bricks. As much as I miss my mom, I would never wish her back having als. She died before it robbed her of full mobility (she was 70). I just wish it would have been after I got back or before I went. I feel a lot of this suffering I created for the rest of my family. Have you tried grief counselors? I think I kind of shy away because it's hard for me to understand how they can help when / if they have not lost a parent as well. I looked to this site as I know others have experienced the loss and know how I am feeling. How long does it hurt like this? We're there certain things you did to help you? It weighs on me because in the past few years I've really worked hard at being the daughter they have always deserved. I've gotten so close to them. My mom is who I would have called for advice on all of this when I could no longer process internally (like today) . I love my dad. Total daddy's girl. But my dad is an internal person. Seeing me hurt or not doing well would destroy him. At least in the inside. On the outside he would say he is fine (just like he always has). I just don't know how I will move on when he goes. Thank you so much for your reply!!

My mother died on November 6th 2015. Every time I think of it, I cannot breath and then go into a sobbing fit. I don't know how to move forward. Some days I feel okay and somewhat normal. Other days are like today. I have so much guilt I don't know what to do. I was planning a vacation for my husband and me. Planning was done in February 2015 for a cruise in November 2015. While planning, I had a gut feeling. I couldn't tell you what it was, just something not right. I bought insurance (which I never do). Around September 2015, my mother decided to see a doctor (even was not big on Western doctors and medicine). She was only going to prove everyone wrong (everyone except for me thought she may have suffered a small stroke as you could no longer understand her when she tried to talk). Test came back negative. No stroke. She and I knew it. She didn't want to go for countless tests as she said she was not a lab rat. The Dr. Said that just the physical looks and speach, she is diagnosing ALS. She fell a couple times within two weeks and two weeks before my trip. I talked to her a couple of times telling her I wanted to cancel. She insisted that we go. My son was going to stay with her to watch her and help and my dad was going to stay at my house to be with my daughter. My son was 21st his girlfriend was leaving the next week so he really wanted to spend time with her. My mom wanted my daughter (17) to stay with her. My dad was at my house taking care of my dogs. When my daughter got up at 6 am to check on grandma, she found my mom had died. My daughter tried to call my dad but he was in the shower and didn't answer. He called back when he was out. The phone lines got crossed and all he could do was listen to 911 instruct my daughter on giving her grandma CPR. I saw my aunts post on face book while in the airport waiting to come home. I feel guilty, horrible, despicable and everything else. I knew in my heart I should have canceled. I should have never put every one in that position. I could have spent more time. I know my daughter is messed up. She turned 18 and moved out. I know the family is a constant reminder for her, so she doesn't talk to us. I know my dad is lonely. My son feels guilty for not being the one home with her and I put everyone in these shoes. I'm the only child of my parents (and put them through he'll when I saw younger. I have only recently been able to start making up for how horribly I treated them). When will I start to be okay? When will the guilt, depression, anxiety and fear of my father being so lonely / passing ease?