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About Brad

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 08/19/1952

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Lund Family Home Hospice of the Valley, Gilbert AZ

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  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Pinetop, AZ

Recent Profile Visitors

402 profile views
  1. Cookie - Of course, you adored him and everything you did, you did out of love. I know from experience how difficult it is to watch someone you love so deeply suffer. Those last months, weeks, days, we were caregivers. We were doing everything in our power to provide love and comfort. You were providing CPR to keep him with you longer. I have guilt from those last days because I knew Deedo was dying and I hated so much to see her suffer; I hoped that she would pass in her sleep. It wasn't that I wanted to lose her, it was I wanted her pain and misery to end. The fact that you were fighting for his life indicates the depth of love and adoration you felt for John. Be kind to yourself, you did all you could and loved John deeply.
  2. Maryanne - My children are very protective of me but they don't call me when they get to work. My youngest son calls every day, either on his way to work or on his way home; depending on his schedule. My daughter will call most days, but not always, on her way home. My oldest will call sometimes weekly, sometimes a couple of times in a week. I would feel smothered if any of them called twice daily. I don't think Deedo ever called her mom twice every day. So to answer your question "Is that wrong?" In my opinion: nope; I think those feelings are fully justified, I do think that your relationship with her is more of a crutch for her. I understand your need to "stand on your own and face grief". If there is one thing I've learned is that although we all share this common denominator, each of us needs to face grief on our own. There is no consigning it to anyone else.
  3. For myself, it seems to be a bit of a conundrum; I maintain a sense of devotion and commitment to Deedo and yet I miss human contact. This forum is wonderful but it does not meet my need to have face to face interaction. As with many things I play mind games. I have a friend in the Valley. We go out for dinners together, we attend concerts and musicals together, we hike together; we are not dating. We are doing many of those things dating couples do but we are not dating. She is still married even though her husband left her in all ways but body over the past several years. He has Lewy Body disease and is in the final stages where he rarely knows she is there. In my mind, I am still married to Deedo. I still wear my wedding ring with hers on the pinky finger next to it. For me, it isn't as much a sense of betrayal. In Deedo's final letter to me, she wrote that she wanted me to grieve for a short amount of time but that she wanted me to find companionship. It is companionship I now find myself longing for. I am not looking for romance. I have no desire to marry again. I simply want someone to have a meal with; someone to share travel with, someone to go to a movie with.
  4. I've written before how I choose to believe I will be with Deedo again; it brings me comfort, and what that afterlife will be I haven't got a clue. I do know that my idea of an afterlife is not remotely close to traditional Judeo-Christian ideology regarding Heaven and Hell. I know this is a choice. If this life is all there is then once I die I will not know anything more, hence, I will not realize I was wrong. If Deedo and I are not together then I assume I will understand why and will be okay with that: or else I will not have any memory of her, not dissimilar to being born here on Earth, assuming there were possible prior existences. In either case, it is what it is and I will be okay. So I choose to believe that we are destined to find each other and travel together come what may.
  5. I was impressed with how compassionate Erin is. More than once she asked me if I needed a break to compose myself. I was concerned that my tears would make her uncomfortable but she was very warm and accepting.
  6. Marg - I leave in two weeks and will be gone for two months. I'll check back in when I return.
  7. I had a conversation a little while ago. I was talking to a couple and when asked how I was doing, I replied: "Some days better than others." He said: "At least you're on the right side of the dirt." My reply was I wasn't so sure. She then came up with the platitude about life being a gift to be treasured. For me, life was a gift right up until July 29, 2015, and since then it is a challenge. A challenge to find enough distractors to make it from the time I wake up until the time I fall asleep. And then it's a challenge to try to find a way to sleep. I do have times of joy and happiness. I am getting better at finding distractions: still, the time during the day is mostly spent in solitude when it is easier to remember why things feel so empty.
  8. AB3 and Dave - I've felt this way since I lost my wife. I would have fought tooth and nail (and did twice) to be there for my wife and kids. Now the kids are grown and my wife is gone so in many respects death is a respite and the next great adventure.
  9. No apologies necessary my friend. You have every reason to be grumpy and what better place to vent but here. We all have just cause for being grumpy. For me, it seems, at times, as though I am seeing life through some somber tinted lens. That happened yesterday as I headed out on my hike. It was a bright, sunny, warm day and yet there was a pall that seemed to follow me. Of course, once I was deep in the pines the gloom lifted; but then that's why I hike.
  10. I find my snoring is directly connected to my weight and it seems around 180 is the threshold. Every time I would get over 180 Deedo would break out her earplugs.
  11. Gwen - I am so sorry you are struggling so with everything. Health, activity, emotions are all so interconnected and when one is amiss everything degrades; and then to be so deeply entrenched in grief only magnifies the emptiness, loneliness, and sense of futility. You are thought of often.
  12. We had a beautiful backyard but then I, too, struggle with the why bothers. There is nobody to sit back there with and listen to the pond. The only time someone is back there is when I'm raking leaves/pine needles. Our dry season is April through June. Normally I would hire a neighbor kid to water while I'm gone, but why bother.
  13. Welcome back Janka - you have been missed!!!! Thank you.
  14. I didn't see Marge's comment as a criticism; just a contribution.
  15. I've found three meds that work. Lorazepam - for me works best but can be habit forming over long term use. I was prescribed this long before Deedo got sick. The s same issue back then as now: I'd sleep from 10:30 to 2 and then be wide awake. By 5 when I should be getting up I was crashing. Lunesta - specifically for sleep and does not interfere with my other meds but my experience is that it is not as effective for uninterrupted sleep. This is what I'm taking to Europe. Concerned because I have a thirty day supply and will be gone for forty-five. Remeron - is an antidepressant that has two side effects: if taken at night it promotes sleep and it increases appetite. This was prescribed for me early on when I couldn't eat or sleep. For me, it was perfect for the first six months. I mentioned earlier that this works a little too well for me. On it, I sleep a minimum of eight hours and it was not unusual to get ten hours. A couple of times I was close to eleven hours of sleep. I don't like sleeping that much. I probably ought to give melatonin another try. Back when I tried it was early on in my grief and nothing was working. Best of luck Cookie, I hope you find something that helps. I hate those wee hours where you are too wide awake to try to sleep but fear rising, lest it becomes routine.