It's been almost two months since my grandma passed away. She was sick. And then she wasn't, and she was home and celebrating my seventeenth birthday, and two days later, she died.
Ever since that night, I've been having trouble with really bad nightmares, about death each time. Death of my most important loved ones, my own death, and generally dark material. I went through a stage of anger and constant crying and now, I'm just lethargic. I never want to get out of bed. I feel like falling asleep all the time. My huge pile of extracurricular activities which I used to devote my heart and soul to, now seem like a chore.
And no matter what, I can't bring myself to pick up my phone and talk to anyone, even my best friends. I put myself through school, and I managed a couple of social events, although they have never really interested me and now completely exhaust me, but phone calls are the worst. I can't pick up a phone and talk about the trivialities. My best friends are beginning to get annoyed.
Worst of all, saying goodbye to someone close to me makes me go crazy. I keep imagining the worst scenarios and losing them forever until the next time I talk to them. I don't want to bring these things up with my mother because I know she is struggling. And my friends can only offer words of comfort, which I don't want. Everyone wants me to get over it now, since it was "only a matter of time". I just want to be able to breathe again.
