RangerKate

A movie...someone else's life...we all seem to feel like our real selves are somewhere else. Me, I feel like I'm living in a terrible alternate reality. Somewhere, in another universe, the bad thing didn't happen and Rich is alive and we're happy. I'm in the wrong universe.

Brad, I was in such shock after Rich was killed that in some ways I probably seemed more "normal" than I do now, 8 months later. I gave a paper at a symposium (with great poise) 2 weeks after his death, and went through my graduation ceremony 3 weeks after his death. I was a zombie. Everyone was astonished at how "well" I was doing. The truth is I barely knew what I was doing. Sometimes I think I hurt more now than I did then. I couldn't process what I had lost. That took time. It's still going on.

How excellent that you are going for help. It was hard for me to accept that I needed help. Not sure why. Maybe because I think of myself as a strong, independent person. But understanding and recognizing the need for assistance is a sign of strength and understanding. So bravo for you! I hope it works. It did for me. Don't hesitate to ask questions and challenge your counsellor. When I started with my own therapist, it was kind of weird and awkward because I didn't understand the process, or what I needed to do, or what she should do. But I questioned, and challenged, and worked at understanding the process, and now we know now to work together and it's really helpful. So good luck, and don't hesitate to use your own judgment and feelings to get what you need.

Thank you so much everyone for your support and responses. It truly helps to hear from others in the same situation. I hope I can contribute and support others on this site. We love, and love, and love, and then suddenly we are in a situation we didn't buy into. We all pledged for life, but never thought the pledge would be invoked so soon. "Till Death do us part" seemed abstract. Now I know what it means. I'm proud that Rich and I kept together through difficult times. But I never thought about what that pledge really meant. Now I know.

I wish I'd found this site earlier. My husband was killed last Spring, on the day before my birthday. After several tough years we were on the "vacation of a lifetime," a month in New Zealand. Two weeks into the trip a tour bus backed over Rich. I was not with him at the time. He was Medivacced by helicopter to the local hospital but I never saw him alive again. I never had a chance to say goodbye. I flew home by myself, a 22-hour trip. He is Canadian and wanted to be buried in Canada. So I had his remains sent from New Zealand to Boston (our home), and then, when I knew where in Canada he wanted to rest, from Boston to Canada. I dealt with 3 funeral homes in 3 countries, 3 death bureaucracies, 3 sets of fees and remains transport costs. I honestly don't know how I did it. I guess I was in shock. I can't put Closed to the story, because there was an inquest into his death, and the government of New Zealand has decided to prosecute the bus driver, for their equivalent of vehicular homicide. The driver has pleaded Not Guilty, so she will go to trial and now I must continue to deal with the New Zealand police and government, and the slow process of their law. Rich and I were together for 42 years. He was the love of my life and my best friend. We had no children and I have no surviving relatives. My mother died two years ago and I am still sorting her stuff, and now Rich's. When it asks to put "next of kin" on forms, I just write "none." I'm fortunate to have friends who have become good, best friends and support me well. But they are not Rich, and they don't understand what I'm going through, although they really try. I guess I'm learning how to handle the grief. I was diagnosed with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), and was treated for that. But my life is filled with emotional land mines. Just when I think I've got myself under control, and feel sort of okay, I stumble into an event we used to attend together, or a can of food Rich bought before he was killed, or a book he loved, and everything explodes. I deal with it, but I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. Some days I can't get out of bed, not from depression, but simply because I am too tired. I guess I want to know, How do people deal with these land mines? They are wearing me out. That said, it's good to be in this group.

Martha, welcome and feel supported here. My experience with my husband's death was very different from yours and others posted here, but the guilt is still with me. Even though in my head I know I am not guilty of anything (my husband was run over by a bus), months after his passing my heart still says otherwise. I guess it's part of the grief. You loved and cared for your husband over a long and difficult time, which in itself is exhausting and demanding, which must add to your stress. I do want address something you wrote: "I don't want to be around people because I can't talk without crying. It is embarrassing." Martha, there is no shame in crying. I sometimes cry in the supermarket, or on the street. I cry when I'm around my friends, and I've learned to accept it, as have they. You are grieving, and crying if you need to is part of that. Being with people is important. Don't let shame or embarrassment keep you from contact with people. We all know what you are going through, especially in the first weeks, and especially around holidays.