GLVH

Just wanted to check in. Today is my sons 14th birthday. My baby boy, my bud. While I have such pride and joy being blessed to be his mom, its very difficult not to cry that my mom isn't here to celebrate with us. Again, she left us over three years ago , yet the pain is as raw as if it happened yesterday. I know in spirit she is with us, but when I find myself alone I sometimes still release such guttural cries for her I know the pain is the little girl in me still coming to grips with her physically not being here. Im not terrified of it anymore. Im beginning to see the light of me again.. because of my PTSD, it rocked me and brought me back to losing my daughter but- little by little I am finding me again in all of this. I cant see my therapist for a few weeks because of financial issues but she has already given me very helpful tools to work with so I know I can do it. Anxiety, grief and healing are exhausting.. but im still standing and im still talking to my mom in my head everyday and it helps.

I had such a grace happening at therapy last night. When I lost my daughter years ago, using visualization and guided imagery were very helpful tools in my journey with the PTSD and grief . I explained to my new therapist when I first began seeing her that I wasn't able to use my 'tools' and I couldn't visualize anything in my mind this time around when the grief and anxiety came crashing down on me just before Thanksgiving. Well, last night - I was able to with her. I told her that my visualizations I had used weren't helping and she suggested that maybe it was time for a new visualization,a new space for myself . And I was able to and it was amazing. Anxiety can be a taxing constant defeating beast that makes one feel like they are never going to stop the cycle. That was a huge gift last night. Being able to see myself in a safe peaceful space was so comforting. Thank you for listening!

its been an ok week. I had a very intense therapy session Wednesday and it was more tears and sadness than I could even describe. However as much of a release as it was , the anxiety still lingers. My therapist said I am still searching for my footing. I know I have written that before but its still an everyday thing. I am able to fall asleep but am up at 4 or 430 from the nagging anxiety. I can say I am beginning to feel a bit of control over the surges but not nearly to the extend I wish for. I was so anxious when I went into therapy Wednesday because I was reading up on what complicated grief is and it scared me. She said instead of reading up on what 'it' may or may not be, why not be kind to yourself and say this is what my journey is and that its ok. She said the minds ego is designed to always be on alert and it does its job well, sometimes too well so in grief , which is not a fluid linear process - keeps our ego on alert. Practicing self love and positive self talk are small steps to moving into a place of controlling the negative anxious what ifs? I practice tapping and visualization of positive life affirming words and I have to say, my anxiety dial which was up to an 8 a few months ago -meaning very high all the time, to a 5 when its at its highest through out the day. To me that is great progress. I wake thanking God for another day on earth and all that I have and even if it doesn't quell the anxiety , its creating new positive steps towards healing. Catherine, my therapist said many feel that seeing is believing, but when we are healing, sometimes we need to look at that the opposite way. Believing until we see. That belief intention, held in the mind, while we are grieving and feeling all the intense feelings of grief helps create new pathways in our energy. I am a survivor of two traumatic losses, I suffer frm PTSD and I am still here. I am grateful to my soul even if in grief I cant feel it to my soul yet. After I lost ella, my daughter, I was in the same state. But I held steady and was able, over time to feel that gratitude to my soul. I have faith that I will feel that again. As my very wise friend always tells me, its baby steps. One foot in front of the other.

Its been an up and down roller coaster these last days, Yesterday was a trainwreck of anxiety. I had to take a .5 of xanax to calm myself down. I remember after I lost Ella there were times I had to as well and it angered me then as it does now that I can't just call to the peace on my own. But I then remind myself Ive had two therapy sessions and have complicated grief that has finally surfaced with my mom even if its three years after she has passed. I am functioning on a better level but today Im feeling depressed, not hopeless, just depressed like today on some level my mind is accepting your gone mom. I talk to you everyday and some times I can hear you in my heart and it is calming but other times its not. Im still angry on many levels that I have to feel so all over the place. My therapist explained that in complicated grief is a rough journey because I have already walked the path of getting to a place of a bit of healing with losing my daughter and that horrific time so , grieving my mom is kind of piled on top of it. Calling to your peace and center is much more difficult when you have PTSD and have suffered two very traumatic losses. On many levels my mind is still fighting to control the grief and anxiety because of Ella, and as much as I love and miss mom. That journey was so utterly and exquisitely painful , my mind is like NO Way! not going through that again. But I believe the more I talk and journal and practice putting the positive intentions in my mind. I am learning new pathways through the anxiety. My therapist said after trauma and loss , the fight or flight trigger is very strong , and in my case , the hyper aware state is the grief and loss of two of the loves of my life. My daughter and my mom. I am learning that grieving mom is its own journey, even if my mind takes me back to Ella and all I went through to get to a place of some peace with it. I lost my touch stone, my best friend and even though she walks with me in spirit everyday, I am still grieving the deep hole left in my heart without her. But she is walking with God and Ella and they are all cheering me on - my personal angel army and I will see myself and find my new normal with all of their love and support behind me.

its been a few days since I posted. I am doing ok. Ive begun journaling again and trying to live in the moment. My therapist and I had a good session Wednesday. Anxiety and grief are a very scary roller coaster. Today is a good day, even if I woke with emptiness so deep it scared me. But I know that this grief is using its voice to show me what I couldn't feel and process when my mom passed three years ago. I am deeply grieving now as if she just passed away and its ok. I can hear her in my mind saying 'its ok Gemma your heart and soul are tapping into the grief and its normal and healthy and part of this journey." I wasn't able to hear her in my mind weeks ago. To hear her again, even if its for a few fleeting minutes is comforting. When I lost my daughter, I was in such a state of barely surviving it took years to find my footing . I can see my precious girl at times showing me how far I have come and to trust that I am strong enough to walk this journey again. One of the scariest parts has been not being able to feel the amazing deep love for my kids, or my love Gregory or my friends . But as my therapist explained, right now your mind body and soul are in the grief and you are weathering a storm of emotions that you cant feel your center right now and its ok because it will come. Grief knocked the crap out of me as if it was out of no where, all the things I have been through triggered all of this grief and its ok. I am grateful for another day on this beautiful earth, even if I don't feel that to my core, I see it and know that I am doing an amazing job for someone who has lost two of the most important parts of me , my daughter and my mother. I have two beautiful children here on earth and I am so very lucky. But I realize the losses I have endured are just as painful and devastating as a person can endure. I will keep moving forward keeping the intention of self love and healing in the fore front of my mind. Thank you for listening

Hi Kay, Yes both counselors/therapists specialized in grief and healing. Thank you for responding. Its been a very tough few months and Im taking it day by day trying to move through all of the grief and anxiety all these changes has brought. Thank you again!

I am new to this site and am so grateful I have found it. I have suffered two significant losses in my life. My daughter was stillborn 9 years ago and I had to deliver her after she passed which was a three day horrid ordeal where I also almost lost my life. Three months after her death I was in complete PTSD. I lost 30 lbs my hair was falling out , I couldn't sleep or eat and felt so lost and unable to care for my two beautiful children. But through therapy and medication and self love I fought my way back to myself. WEll my mom passed away from cancer three years ago and I really feel as if I am just beginning to mourn. My parents were married for 46 years and after she died I took care of my dad, selling the family home, getting him into a condo, dealing with divorce, and simply trying to get my family through. After emergency surgery in October to remove my gall bladder, and then my dad announcing he is getting remarried, coupled with some issues my children are dealing with, I felt myself crash. I barely made it through the holidays, Ive lost 10lbs. have a ton of anxiety and feel overwhelmed by everything. I began therapy again last week but I'm having a hard time understanding how this grief has come crashing out of nowhere. I felt I had been taking steps over the last three years to grieve. But I feel as if its all so raw. Because of the PTSD I was worried that I was spiraling back to that person who lost 30lbs and felt so out of control. My therapist has said its very normal but I hate that I have to go through this all again. It took years to feel like I had come to a place of peace and love with my grief for Ella. But the anxiety and fear and sadness are very overwhelming. I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this delayed grief? I cant seem to find my footing in this journey. its different than when I lost my daughter. My mom and I were very close and she was the true heart of my whole big family. Just want to feel the sun on my face again . I can see it I just cant tap into it to help me heal. Thanks for listening