Numb and Lost

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About Numb and Lost

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    I loved him
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  1. KayC Im sorry that you went through the bad ones to find the perfect one, and then lost him I feel like he isn't gone, like he can't be. My mind just keeps on and on trying to figure it out even though there isn't anything to figure out. I just can't accept him not being here, my mind isn't understanding it today. It doesn't make sense.
  2. My grandparents and aunts/uncles that have passed lived to be 80-90. My parents were the youngest of their families. I've had quite a few relatives pass on all in that range. That's a long time from 33I am trying to do as KayC said and not think so much about the future. It makes it even more overwhelming when I do. I am still struggling with acceptance terribly in a way I can't find words to describe. I just don't feel like he can really be gone.
  3. I can't think about him without feeling immense pain. I never got to say things I desperately needed to say, or ask him and all that unresolve makes it so much worse for me. I hadn't seen him in a long time and I couldn't wait to see him like we were planning. Sometimes when I kind of feel okay it's only cause I momentarily forget I won't get to hug him ever again or see his smile, not until I die anyway.
  4. I am. I'm actually on a few different medications for the anxiety and depression and I feel no shame lol. The meds help but every day is still such a struggle. Just a struggle to make it one day to the next.
  5. Speaking of imperfect.....well we all know that have read my story imperfect certainly applies to me! My guilt of the affair has made me have feelings of guilt for his death. My feelings are terribly confused. I try to figure out why I fell so hard and loved soemone so much whom I wasn't supposed to. I have had some moments of peace here and there lately, but I also have panic attacks that strike suddenly that make me not want to leave my bed sometimes. Sometimes I will just be working and out of nowhere I think of every conversation we ever had and it breaks me down and I try to start figuring it out all over again.
  6. I feel like that too. Anything imperfect in relationships will be removed. I know we won't really understand until then how it will all work. I just know I have so much pain and confusion here in my earthly mind that I long for heaven.
  7. I know it says in the Bible there will be no marriage in heaven but I don't think that means people won't know and love each other. I see how it would kind of have to be that way, just for that reason for people who equally loved two spouses that passed. But I believe we can't know or understand everything. If God felt relationships were important on earth I believe they will still have importance in heaven. Even if we aren't married in heaven I think we will have connections. Maybe they will be stronger and with even deeper understanding. I don't think he will leave us lacking for anything. Of course like I said before though right now my earthly mind is confused and just hurts.
  8. I can understand that. I would be jealous too. I even thought that, that if his wife dies before me I would be envious. It's funny that the fact that "we are not married nor given in marriage" in heaven kind of bothers me because we weren't married anyway. I believe we will have special relationships though. Even though I know we will lack nothing and everything will be perfect there I still have my human earthly mind here and I worry so much about how we will know each other. I'm pretty sure I've said it before so forgive me I repeat myself a lot these days, but I wonder if the min he died he just saw me as sin. I have prayed that while I know the affair was wrong that there is some reason I love him so much. Ive prayed that at least some part of that friendship or love will remain and be pure one day. That is literally all that keeps me going is thinking about him in heaven. I have had such a bad two days. This morning I woke up in a panic. I just had all our conversations in my mind at once and all my shattered hopes. I remembered when I used to wake up and see if anything new was on his Facebook. When I feel that panic I don't feel like I can make it which is such a terrible feeling because there isn't anything I can do about it, well besides take a xanax which helped a little.
  9. Yesterday I cleaned and organized some things. I played with my son outside. Today I couldn't get out of bed at all really. I try to do things that I liked before, hobbies etc but I don't feel like I like them anymore. I play the piano but now if I sit and play it I just end up composing a song so depressing and melancholy it makes me more depressed. I feel like I'm just waiting but I don't know what for.
  10. I don't know if any of his friends know about me. I'm sure he probably talked about me to someone but I don't know who and if he did I doubt he used names as he was married too. You are right haha numb and lost is kind of impersonal I needed to be discreet and it was the first desperate words that came to mind when I signed up. Now I could just name myself "depressed and in denial." It's hard to describe but you may understand the feeling- I know it's real but its like every day I think something can happen to make it better or change my circumstances. I don't even know how to explain the feeling. Those words don't really accurately describe it. Like maybe I think I might find out I'm dying and so I will be okay. My mind is expecting something. Like I still have this false hope although there is none. I guess that goes back to my dreaming that I will call him in a few months and it will all be fine. Also I constantly try to work it out in my head, how he was here and I talked to him and now he is gone. It just does not seem like it can truly be real that he is gone forever. I haven't gotten out of bed today at all. It was such a pretty day but I just didn't care. I wish I could make myself care. I keep worrying about being here sad for 50 years when of course I don't know I could die tomorrow. But I just have this feeling, and this vision of me being here at 83 with this sad distant memory and pain. So sorry for your loss as well. I hope the memorial service helps with your grieving process. I know it does for some I guess. I don't think my emotions could have handled it even if I had been able to go. One of my friends said I shouldn't "memorialize him" as the affair was wrong. Coming to this forum has been one of my only outlets.
  11. I just get scared it will fade because I didn't see him as much and it had been a long time since I had seen even at the time he passed. If my husband died I wouldn't forget anything because I see him so much and he is so familiar. That is the biggest pain in all this for me is that we were planning to see other within days and had talked so much about it. I had thought a lot about it and loooked so forward to it. We wanted it to be when we had time to spend and the last day I ever heard his voice was when he asked me to see him but we didn't have time. He said well it's ok we will just see each other tomorrow. The next day wasn't good either though and then of course he was gone. Not having that day makes it hurt so much more.
  12. Yeah I find it makes it harder when I think ahead but it's hard not to. I have this fear the rest of my life will be spent in sadness. Even in moments of contentment like when I'm playing with my son I have this melancholy cloud over me that prevents me from being happy. Every day I feel like if I can just make it to tomorrow and I guess that's how I need to look at it, one day at a time. I honestly I'm praying for a rapture soon. I beg Jesus to go ahead and come get us. I felt really guilty about it all and I had been praying about it. Sometimes I think God took him because I didn't have the strength to stop loving him. But I pray I can still know him in a pure way in heaven. I think he struggled with that guilt too.
  13. My husband is living but he doesn't know. It isn't anything I could ever confess. He has had a drug and alcohol problem in the past. He can be destructive and crazy. He isn't abusive as far as hitting or anything like that but he has made threats etc. There is just no telling what he would do. When he is sober he is a good person but its like he is possessed when he is on that stuff. Anytime he has a crisis or problem in life is usually when he relaspses so I know that would set him off. He has been sober for a while now but I always fear that he will relapse again. I do have one supportive friend that I talk to. My other friends that know haven't been very supportive. They don't really understand. We are in our 30's and one of my friends hasn't even lost her grandparents yet so I feel like she doesn't really understand losing someone through death at all. I have experienced death of several family members but they were elderly and it was expected or had extended illness and it was expected. It feels so strange to love someone so much that I have been intimate with in that way and had that connection with to know he is in heaven now. It just feels so weird. It's strange to have to continue on when the love doesn't diminish. All I think about is seeing him again when I die. I imagine seeing him again and having conversations. But that seems so far away. I just have a feeling I'll live to be 100. I can't even imagine that. I'm scared of his memory fading.
  14. It's like when I was a kid if there was an event I looked forward to that was coming up like a vacation during the summer, I would try to take a nap to make the long days of waiting shorter. We are making our days shorter just trying to get through them to make it to the next day when it starts all over again :'(
  15. Today I just feel like this will never ever get any easier. I have moments maybe even half days when I'm okay but then when it hits it is just as bad as the first day. It doesn't hurt any less. The confusion is not less, if anything it's more. I dont feel like I can ever enjoy life again. I try. I do everything I can to try but it doesn't work. At the end of the day I feel like I can't go on. It's so terrible as I'm sure everyone on here knows because there is nothing we can do about it. I would never commit suicide but sometimes deep down I hope I will find out I have some sort of terminal illness. I feel incredibly guilty for even typing that, but I'm just in so much pain and I would be lying if I said it wasn't true. Thinking I might have to live with this pain for 50 or more years is frightening. I know I would never really want to leave my kids and I have wonderful blessings to live for. But it still hurts so much. If only God gave us one more chance to talk to someone just to say goodbye or ask and say things we didn't get a chance to. In this situation (an affair) it hurts so much to mourn for someone I shouldn't have and wasn't supposed to have even loved. I would love to go sit at his grave just to have somewhere to go but I can't. I would love to cry with someone that loved him too but I can't. I would love to have anything that I could physically hold in my hands to remember him by but I have nothing. I feel like it's all my punishment that I will pay for the rest of my days. Nothing in my lifetime has ever given me the feelings that he did. Nothing could ever compare to his smile. I'll never even know if he felt as strong as I did at all, and I have to go my entire life wondering. Everything just seems so pointless. It's been two months and yet it feels like he still been gone much longer. It doesn't seem right that the world just continues without him in it as if he were never here. My friends tell me that I have to let him go and focus on what is here. But I can't erase his memory or even set it aside. One person said eventually I will put it "all in a box" and be able to go on. I'm continuing on right now, but I am just on auto pilot trying to make it through each day. I can't imagine it will get any better and I certainly don't imagine I will be able "to put it in a box." I will love, mourn, and miss him for all of my days. I just don't feel I want to be here.