Lisa Smith

So I haven't written in awhile... everyday I go through many emotions and right now I'm very sad. I'm just sad that my brother is dead. I'm not gonna write too much because I just don't have the energy. But I have a question: my brother died of drug toxicity and I asked one of his "friends" if he knew anything about my brothers drug use or who he used with. This "friend" hasn't responded to me despite my numerous emails, and I'm pretty sure he was using with my brother. I want to send an email out to my brother's whole sports team, who a non-using friend told me that he he got mixed up with bad people from that group, saying "hey, I know something was up- I want some answers." But I also am dealing with so much anxiety. Is it worth it? These people weren't his real friends. I want them to suffer like I am right now.

You are all correct. I do not know what I was thinking about "moving on." This is so incredibly painful and so sad. I do not know how people cope with death. I will try to let it flow Kayc as you stated, but it overwhelms me and I sometimes I can't do anything. I can't believe that my older brother is gone. I will try to be patient Mary T. That's what one of my counselor's suggested. I hope my brother knows how much I love him. I feel silly because I never thought he could die, I never had to confront death like this and I really hope I'm strong enough. I just want to sleep all day. Thank you all for your advice and support.

Thank you, Kayc and everyone who has posted. I'm recently learning more about his death and life. Yesterday I was cleaning out his apartment with my parents and I found a mix of drugs. I had to google one of them since I had never seen it before. Now, I'm mad. I'm very mad. I'm mad that my family is grieving because of his stupid choices. He recently started gaining weight too. He had a steady great job. Why wasn't he taking care of himself? Was he searching for something by doing drugs? Everyday I feel like I go through every stage of grief, so I'm always exhausted. One minute I'm sad, the next I wish I could punch him and the next I'm begging for him to come back. I'm just frustrated because I had no idea that he was doing drugs (I don't think he was an addict, and we aren't sure if it actually contributed to his death because he had sleep apnea and wasn't on his breathing machine when he died), but I had no idea this was all a part of his current life. Like, when the heck did this all start? Who was he doing drugs with? I have a lot of anxiety since he died. I start grief counseling tomorrow. I just don't know what "moving on" looks like. I can't believe someone you love can just leave like that so suddenly. Thank you all for helping me through this difficult time. Lisa

Thank you both for responding. Because of his sudden death, I'm trying to reach out to different outlets to try and gain some understanding. The earliest appointment for grief counseling was this upcoming Monday. So I at least have an appointment. To answer some questions, I'm 27 and my brother died in his sleep. This is my first up close experience with death. Now I'm just scared and confused. I'm not sure what I should do or think each day. I want to start writing again, but it brings me too much anxiety. I'm so so so upset that I didn't get more time with him. That he left me so abruptly. I'm so angry at this because it makes no sense. As I stated we weren't as close as I wanted to be, so I just feel so horrible that he's now gone. It's just so unreal. Thank you both again for your posts.

Dear All, My brother died last Sunday. The police came to our home at 9p.m. and said my brother was deceased. I couldn't argue with them, I couldn't save him, he had already died. That moment was the worst moment of my life. The 5 days after his death, we had to do all this planning for the funeral, arrange for family to come, all while I was in so much pain and shock. There was no moment to stop. I don't understand why I couldn't have stopped my brothers death. Why wasn't I given a sign to call him or to drive to his home and help him? I also am confused because he wanted to live and we wanted him to live, so why did he have to die? He was only 29. As his younger sister I'm just so confused, saddened and angry. I don't understand why he couldn't have just been sick and gone to the hospital. During adulthood, my brother pushed me away so we weren't in regular contact. Although I was frustrated, because I didn't know what I did wrong and I reached out numerous times, I accepted it because I assumed we would always be by each other. I just assumed he would always be alive with me. He's someone that I always assumed would take care of himself and be alright. He had that self-assuredness about him that he was always in control all the time. I don't understand. He was only 29, he wasn't suppose to die. Now, I'm just so overwhelmed and sad. I just want to lay in bed all day. The other half of my heart is gone and there's nothing I can do to bring him back. It all happened so quickly. He was alive and then he wasn't. That's not right. That's not fair. Now i'm so anxious because anyone can die at anytime. And my 4 person immediate family is suddenly 3 person. And we weren't prepared for this. I'm just so sad. I hope my beautiful brother was happy, and that he knows he was so loved. I miss his energy on this earth. At his wake, his friends wanted to speak with me. And I just couldn't. I just sat on the ground in another room most of the time and tried to drink water. One of them wanted my number so we could share stories of my brother, but my stories are from our childhood and teenage years. I didn't hang out with him a lot as an adult. Did I do something wrong? Should I have been closer with him as adults? My goodness, if I knew he was going to die I would have driven down to his apartment and forced him to sit and eat lunch with me and to become my best friend. I just don't understand why it was so sudden and why we couldn't say good bye to him. I'm just really sad and unsure what to do or think. I didn't expect this. My whole life is changed forever. I always protect my family and I couldn't protect him.