Mike's Girl

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About Mike's Girl

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Spouse
  • Date of Death
    March 3, 2017
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Florida

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Florida
  1. I know that hospitals love to have volunteers! That's something that you may be able to do.
  2. Dear MBBH, We all know where you are coming from. None of us want to be here, but we are all thankful that we found each other. I lost my husband on March 3rd of this year. It's been a scary learning experience, but I'm hanging in there, one day at a time. Some days, it's one minute at a time, but I get through them. This forum has helped me through some really trying times and issues. I've opened my heart to everyone here and bared my story and soul. Never have I been chastised or judged for my questions or responses. It's comforting to know that we have each other to lean on when needed. Welcome and feel free to share, cry, scream, feel...we're all going through it too and "get it".
  3. No, it's not easy. I'm finding it difficult to do a lot of the activities we used to do together. One thing really stands out to me, I find myself not able to listen to music much anymore. Our house was always filled with music. We shared the love of every kind of music and would enjoy working with bands. Now, there are too many memories attached to too many songs that are too painful to bring back at this time. They make me miss him more and remind me that my life had changed, until I see him again. I know someday I will be able to reflect and smile without tears, but right now, the water works come flooding in. so now, I find myself sitting in a silent house, just listening to the quiet (and the ringing in my ears from the many years of working with bands). Someday I'll get behind that microphone again...
  4. I'm right there with you.
  5. Michael did the same for me. He loved me like no other ever will. He gave his love to me openly, unabashedly, willingly, unselfishly, and completely. We had plans and dreams of growing old together. We loved to make each other smile. Now alone, I struggle with the "what's next?" too. There's no desire to find someone else. I had my soulmate. I'm not suicidal, but there doesn't seem to be much more to look forward to. That's a pretty sad thing to think, being I'm only 50. But, I dont think I'll find someone who will love me like he did, nor do I want to. I've had my Prince Charming. I wake each day to the drone of routine life, without excitment or happiness. I try to find the good in each day, which helps to keep me going.
  6. Nightwinds, It is amazing to me how similar our stories are. My Michael had Loeys-Dietz Syndrome, which is the ugly cousin of Marfan's. Surprisingly, it wasn't the LDS that took him, when we were always in constant worry that it would. We too endured numerous emergency trips to the hospital, all of which were a life or death situation. Michael suffered so many aneurysms and dissections that I lost count. I think you will understand this...Knowing he had LDS, I've always known in the back of my mind that I'd end up a widow, but with each major surgery that he had to repair something, the more I felt he was beating the disease and it wasn't going to kill him! Read our story in my first few posts. I think you will see lots of similarities. He was/is my best friend and my whole world collapsed when I lost him. Slowly, I'm picking myself up off the floor. I just lost Michael on March 3rd to sepsis, not related to anything LDS. These past couple months have been...well...I'm not exactly sure. I have found myself being struck down with sobbing fits one minute, then perfectly fine and functional the next. Friends and family have been wonderful by checking in with me and keeping me busy. Still, in the dark, long hours of the night, I find my bed cold and lonely. I miss my love. I don't cry as often as I did before, but I still have my moments. I let them come as they may. The best we all can do is just keep on going. Live for them, since they can't do it anymore. Michael always felt like he was holding me back from doing things because of his physical limitations. I know that he now wants me to do everything I couldn't do before and I know he's smiling down on me while I'm doing them. In fact, he's right there with me! I know it seems like things will never get better, but I truly believe that in time, the pain will soften and we will smile more. I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. I have 3 furbabies myself. We lost our 17yo cat a couple years ago, who was the "main kitty". I thought that was the hardest day, until I lost Michael. You are in my prayers for healing and comfort. Just keep breathing...you are not alone!
  7. My new mantra...Figuring out how to get through that time, step by step and little by little. I won't master my life in one day. I need to take it one day at a time and just keep doing that; mastering it one day at a time. Keep true to the 3 F's, for they are my strength - Faith, Family, and Friends!
  8. Like you Darrel, Fridays are my trigger days. I lost my Michael on a Friday. So unfair. The melancholy tally continues each week since his departure. I used to love Fridays and the weekend of freedom that they would bring. But now, I dread Fridays and their reminder that another week has passed without my best friend by my side. Again, like you, I had to execute that final true sacrifice of love and give the word to let him go. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. But, I knew it was the right thing to do. His suffering ended and he was free. My suffering began. Fridays are somber and are no longer the doorway to the weekend I've always loved. I try to fill my weekends with activities so I'm not sitting home alone, thinking of how much I miss him or how hard life is without him now. I've got a wonderful "framily" (friends who are family) who watches over me and comes to my aid at my slightest whimper. One example, I just went to see the new movie Beauty and the Beast this past weekend with a friend. I loved the movie, but ended up crying like a baby in my car afterwards. The realization that I once had a great love and it is over now hit me like a ton of bricks and I had to pull over because of the tears blurring my vision. My "framily" keeps me in relatively high spirits most of the time. With their help, my days can breeze by without a tear. But it's the times when I am alone when the sadness can come out of nowhere. Late at night, in the early mornings, in the car, in my office, in the shower...it doesn't matter. By Monday morning, I'm actually happy to be back to work for the distraction. I'm only 2 months and 4 days into my widowhood and it's extremely disheartening to think that it's only just begun.
  9. Night Winds - I'm so so sorry for your loss. I completely understand your feelings. I just lost my husband of 24 years on March 3rd, 2 months ago, yesterday. I know exactly the pain and loneliness you are feeling. These past two months have been filled with lots of tears. Lots of fear of the known future. The feeling of living in a nightmare. The frustration of having a new life forced upon you. One that doesn't include having your partner by your side. It's frightening to think about going through the rest of your life without your soulmate, best friend, partner, love of your life. It can become very overwhelming. But please try to remember that you don't have to master your life in one day. You are not alone in this. You have friends and family to help comfort you. You have the wonderful people in this group! They have helped me through a lot of questions, feelings, and breakdowns. Speaking of special days/anniversaries being harder to handle, I've had a couple this past week to deal with. The first one was, I just held the Celebration of Life ceremony for my husband this past Saturday. It was a lovely ceremony and many of our family and friends attended. It showed me just how loved my special man is. I'm not alone in my grieving and I have lots of support! The other special day, Michael's birthday was this past Tuesday, May 2nd. That was a very hard day to get through. But with the help of close friends and family, it was tolerable. Yes, I cried, but I'm finding that my tears are more for me than for him. I know he's pain free now and no longer has to suffer with his afflictions. I'm the one that is suffering now. My best advice is to give yourself time. This is a fresh and raw to you. Don't do anything too quickly. You don't have to do anything that you are uncomfortable with. You don't have to rush into anything. Take time for you and take care of you!
  10. I love this! What a wonderful way to look at it.
  11. Cut yourself some slack, Darrel. You loved Cookie with your whole heart and soul. You will always miss her and grieve for her. She shared 41+ years of your life with you. It may not be the white hot pain that you first felt when you lost her, but you will probably always feel a pang of pain when you think of her. You're allowed to be melancholy for her being gone. Allow yourself to remember all the good times and smile. You will see her again. Just keep moving forward. :-)
  12. She completely surprised me and said that she was fine with my decision to wait. She did admit to being a little hurt about having to wait, but she said that as long as it isn't NO for ever, then she can wait. I said it isn't NO forever, just NOT NOW. She's amazing. :-)
  13. Well, I told her. Now I wait to see if she's still talking to me. I know she will be upset, but I asked for her to try to understand and that this does not mean that it will never happen, just not now.
  14. Thanks KayC. I'm of Christian believe too and believe that his spirit lives on and the ashes in his urn are just that, ashes of his old shell. That's why I'm finding it silly that I feel this way about his ashes. I've been praying over it and I feel that the Lord is telling me that I don't have to make a decision now. It's ok to wait.