Hi I'm brand new here, my mom passed away April 13 from a sudden illness. She had already been in ill health and was in long term care but had been coping and getting along. We never thought she would go right now, we thought she had years. But she got ill Tuesday night and died Thursday evening. I am devastated to say the least. My mom and I were super close. I have tremendous guilt though since she died because I know I was not always good to her, I tried but I would get frustrated and annoyed and impatient with her. I feel terrible, but sometimes I secretly would wish she were gone! I NEVER meant that though, I never wanted her to die! I just wanted her to be well again. She was very clingy to me emotionally and it put a tremendous strain on me, I am married and have 3 kids and lots of obligations. I wish now I could have spent tons of time with mom but I could only get up to see her a few times a week, some weeks only once. I would try to call her every day but somedays I didn't. I regret that so much now. I keep expecting the phone to ring or I'll think, oh I need to call mom. But of course none of that can happen anymore.
We had her memorial yesterday. I feel like everyone expects me to be okay now for some reason. I am NOT okay, I feel worse than ever if possible. I am so sad and depressed, I can't get excited about things like I used to do. I have no interest in hobbies or watching tv or doing anything. On the rare occasions I do feel a moment of happiness over something I immediately feel guilty, like how could I can be happy now that mom is gone??? The world is going on without her and that is really bugging me. My world has frozen in place.
I have no energy and I can't make it through the day without taking a nap, if I could stay in bed constantly I would but I have to care for my family. I did manage to cook dinner twice this week, which felt like a momentous task. Thinking of doing every day things makes me tired. Like every morning I've had to get my kids to school and I have such anxiety over this now, I just want to be home and not "out there". I have a dental appt scheduled for this week, and to me that may as well be a climb on Mt. Everest. I just can do it. I plan to reschedule.
I am also having a lot of bitter thoughts and resentment toward people who have not sent a card or who didn't come to mom's service. I know that's unreasonable but I am angry. I have one friend in particular who chose to do something else rather than come and my feelings are really hurt. She was a very close friend so I don't understand why she didn't come. She hasn't even called me or anything. I feel like my emotions are red raw. I wonder if I will ever feel "normal" again??
Anyway, sorry to go on and on, I'm just looking for others who have or are going through this same thing. I feel sometimes like I am the only person on the planet feeling this way. I am just so sad.
