My sweet Basset Hound, Frankie, died last week. She is now one of five dogs I have lost in my adult life. Each experience is unique. But with one exception (Campbell died minutes before the vet arrived to put him to sleep) all share those distressing thoughts of guilt for having to make the decision to put them to sleep. For me, the feelings of love and loss are overshadowed by the guilty thoughts that plague my waking life right now. I know from my experience that the guilt and second guessing goes along with having to make that decision to end the life of someone you love so dearly and who loved you so unconditionally. So what makes this time different? Simply, I think because I had her put to sleep before she got really bad. And not just for her sake but for my own. Usually, it's much more obvious that "it's time." So what factors led me to make this decision?
1. For the last four months, I have tried very hard to help her get better. An ultrasound revealed a large mass on her spleen which the vets thought was likely to be malignant. Blood panels and other non-invasive tests led vets to believe she had Inflammatory Bowel Disease which cannot be cured, only managed with medication and diet.
2. Frankie was on prednisone, antibiotics, diarrhea medicine, supplements, and Pepcid. The prednisone made her more aggressive and lethargic. She was also starting to get a skin rash.
3. My other dog, Murphy, was not one to back off when Frankie growled, so she attacked back. The stress of their fighting, keeping them separate, and being bitten trying to separate them was too much. Then I sent Murphy to stay with a friend and that was sad.
4. After trying the last special diet and removing the stress of having Murphy out of the house, Frankie was still struggling with nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea.
5. Finally, I was facing the prospect of leaving her for 10 days while I was in Europe (a trip planned before I knew she was this sick.) I really didn't think she would do well being left behind with a friend.
I feel so bad for Frankie. I know she wasn't at "death's door" but I think dogs are so stoic that even when they are in discomfort, they just keep going--they still make every effort to meet our emotional needs. I couldn't see why she should have to get to the point of being so sick. It was so stressful to see her go up and down. I did it for both our sakes. People always offer comfort saying-- "you did the right thing" "you helped her out of her misery" things like that. Yeah, we do it for that reason. I just have a lot of trouble accepting that I did it for my sake in large part.
I want to get past the guilt because I think it is distracting me from the more crucial feelings of loss and grief. Both Murphy and I miss Frankie a lot. Only one of us is struggling with the guilt, however.
