Eagle-96

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About Eagle-96

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 02/24/1972

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Husband
  • Date of Death
    April 01, 2017
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Fort Worth, TX
  1. It doesn't sound creepy at all. My thoughts are that I wish Lori could hear me and I suppose I don't really know if she does or not. I really feel that Lori is busy in Heaven worshipping God and praising Him for his love and mercy. If God sees fit to allow her to hear my words then all the better but I suspect she knows we will see each other again and is happy with her eternity. I still talk to her anyway as it is good therapy for me.
  2. Happy Birthday George. I hope you find that joy you're looking for. I really do.
  3. I suspect we will always carry this cloak with us forever. It's just not as visible to others as the license plate you described. Sometimes I want to shout out loud "Don't you know the pain I feel". I know however that I can find solace on this forum as we all see each others cloaks and know the depth of the meaning behind them. For that I am grateful.
  4. Your insight into the grieving process will help you to be a light in her life when she needs it so desperately. I pray that you will find the strength to be the support she will need when her husband's time comes. I'll be pulling for you both.
  5. I struggle with this a lot. I know that Lori had a relationship with the Lord and that through our previous talks that she is now in Paradise with Him. My struggle with talking to her now(which I do every day) is that she is now too pre-occupied with performing the tasks she was created for and spending her eternity praising God for his mercy. I like to think that every now and then He lets Lori hear my conversations with her but there is much I don't know. I'll keep talking to her though as it's good therapy for me.
  6. One thing I have found is that the grief journeys of those on this forum, although different, are not better or worse than anyone elses. We are all in the midst of a mighty struggle. Certainly there are secondary circumstances that can make things difficult(financial difficulties, illness, second guessing, no friends or family being close, etc...) but I hope you don't negate the magnitude of your struggle just because of someone else and their situation. I know of the pain that my cousin has endured for the past 2 1/2 years after her husband took his life so I feel for you and the road you walk.
  7. It's both sad and comforting to know that there are others in the same boat. I'm trying to let go of the guilt as I know in some far away corner of my brain that it was not my fault. It's just my dadgum heart that Lori held so tightly in her hands that won't allow my logic to win the day. It took a lot of courage for you to confront the doctor. Kudos to you. I have chosen to file a complaint with the medical board and to file suit. My goal is for there to be policy and protocol changes at the ER and for the doctor to never again have the opportunity to place someone else in the position he placed Lori and I. I couldn't live with myself if I knew that I did nothing and the same thing happened to someone else. In my heart I feel that if ONE life can be saved through Lori's death then my pain and despair will all have been worth it.
  8. Thank you Kayc. I appreciate you posting those articles. My guilt comes from the what ifs and the shoulda' dones. We took Lori to a stand-alone ER(one that is not attached to a hospital) on the Tuesday before she died. She was diagnosed with a pulled muscle in her chest from the bronchitis she had two weeks prior. We trusted them and went home. The Friday before she died she had more chest pains so we went back to the same ER at 11:30 PM. We even said, "should we go to the hospital ER" in the car on the way there. We decided to go back to the same place. It was literally a fork in the road scenario(what if I had turned left instead of right). She was diagnosed by the same doctor with acid reflux and we were sent home at 12:30 AM Saturday morning. She collapsed in the bathroom at our home at 3:30 AM on Saturday and the rest is history. I will always wonder if the CPR was good enough. To rub salt in the wound, we later learned after seeing the medical records from the stand-alone ER(EKG and blood tests) that she was actually having a heart attack when they first received her at 11:30. So in essence, my wife suffered for 4 hours in the throes of a heart attack due to the negligence of one ER doctor. The records ave been reviewed by multiple experts ranging from PA, to cardiologist, to ER doctor and they have all concluded that the doctor on Friday missed the easiest tests to read that indicated Lori was having a heart attack. Everyone has indicated that she should have been immediately taken to the cath lab at 11:30 on 03/31. Lori would be here now if he had done his job. So you see, my guilt is a difficult one in that I could have simply taken a left turn and Lori would be here right now. Just one left turn. Just one demand for a 2nd opinion. Just one demand for more tests. Just one simple phone call to her sister(in the medical field) for advice. It just hurts that I didn't protect Lori when she needed me most.
  9. I am sorry that you are at such a low point. Sometimes it seems that all is lost. Know that I hear you voice. I won't pretend to say that I know your pain because our walks are all different. I'll just say that I hope that you can find peace amongst the sadness you are enduring so heavily.
  10. And no amount of internal logic or people telling me I did my best will make me think any differently or make me stop second guessing myself. At least not yet anyway. I hope I get there someday but right now I just feel like I failed at the ONE job I always felt I was good at and was needed for so much at that moment in time. Protecting Lori.
  11. I struggle with this a lot. Whenever something comes up that Lori did(and I now have to do) it brings back the painful reality that she is gone. There were certain things I was good at and certain ones Lori excelled at and I dread performing those tasks sometimes no matter how simple they are. I guess it's a reminder of the emptiness I feel without her. Whenever we had to return something to the store or make a complaint about poor quality or service, Lori was really great at that as I don't like confrontation. When I think of that it still brings pain but I can also have a good laugh when thinking about how funny it was to see her no nonsense approach to the demand for good customer service. The looks of astonishment on the faces of the people we dealt with that gave her guff make me smile. She was my bulldog. Maybe I'll just have to focus more on the good aspect of those tasks. It's hard but it's something I'm working on. Thanks for posting that Marg.
  12. Than you for posting this Marty. It was helpful. I don't have the regret of not saying goodbye to Lori as we both knew how we felt about each other and told each other every day. My regret comes from second guessing myself and what I did to help Lori that night(Did I do a good enough job of CPR, did I take her to the right ER before the heart attack, should I have demanded more tests, Should I have gotten a 2nd opinion). I suppose I'll second guess myself forever even though the logical part of me knows I did everything I could based on what the doctors diagnosed. Like the author, I have the images of Lori dying in front of my eyes and being helpless to stop it. It haunts me.
  13. That resonates with me in a big way. Lori and I could do and say things around each other that we would never dream of in public or even around close friends. We too would just reach out and hold hands on the couch for no particular reason. Never had to say a word. I guess I am in a "little things matter" stage or mood this week because it's those little things I am missing so much right now.
  14. Tom, 1. You already know this but it's ok to cry no matter where you are. If others around you can't handle it then it's their problem, not yours. In our state it's brutally difficult to stop the tears when they want to flow. 2. It reminds me of the saying(I'll paraphrase here), "Do not judge the person standing next to you for you know nothing of their struggle". I used to hear that saying but it never really resonated. After 04/01/17 it rings truer than almost any quote. I hope that I can now display the compassion I yearn for from others as I know all to well the deep meaning behind the saying.
  15. The way I see this aspect is that a marriage is a melding of two lives and personalities into one. Over time we take on the traits and personalities of our spouses. We find ourselves using the same phrases. Having the same interests. Having the same sense of humor. Eating the same food. Its not true for everyone but Lori and I were very different in our personalities on 04/01/17 than we were on 07/02/03. That's just my take on the subject and I hope it gives you some insight.