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Eagle-96

Contributor
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    45
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About Eagle-96

  • Rank
    Sean
  • Birthday 02/24/1972

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Husband
  • Date of Death
    April 01, 2017
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Fort Worth, TX
  1. Grief and Fear

    Thinking about you Tom as I know today will be tough. You can do it!
  2. Grief and Fear

    I would be upfront with that person and let them know how difficult it is going to be for you(and it will be difficult Tom). That you may cry at a moments notice or for things that your friend may not bat an eyelash at. Hopefully some of the tears will be tears of joy as you reflect on Susan and the happy times she spent wearing those clothes. I have a feeling that Susan will be there with you to help you tomorrow.
  3. Grief and Fear

    The cards are so so tough. I was getting some shorts out of the closet the other day and noticed something underneath them. I pulled it out and it was Lori's last birthday card and Valentines day card to me both from February. I opened them up and read them and there were her words. "Can't wait for the next 45 years", " Can't believe we are so blessed", etc... I went from feeling ok to a pile of tears and sobs within 1 second. It's also hard knowing that I won't ever have those celebrations with her. No more cards. No more singing Happy Birthday to her. No more opening my eyes in the morning and seeing her face. I'm glad that you got to spend her birthday among friends and got to visit your special places. We have to hold onto those memories and touchstones.
  4. It's a strange new realization we come to when we lose our spouses. Most of humanity sees our plight and wants to do whatever they can to assuage the pain we feel. They want to do anything in their power to help us but most just don't know how. BUT, that large percentage of humanity has their hearts in the right place just not the know-how to turn the sympathy into actionable and meaningful help. It's not their fault, they simply don't know what to do. THEN there is that small percentage of people(I shutter to refer to them as humanity as they are far from human) that treat us as if we have done something wrong. It's as if it is our fault that our spouse passed away. Or that we are to be punished because we are the living reminder of death and the pain it brings. To most of society, we are to be pittied. To some we are to be viewed as lepers, best to be stowed away on an island or in a cave as to be far out of view.
  5. It's like when people tell me they're pulling for me or they are there for me. It's nice and I understand the sentiment but I only want ONE person and I can't have her. What people forget is that we could be in a stadium full of people and still feel alone. The team analogy is spot on. It's like we're a pitcher standing on the mound and our catcher is gone. We have no one to throw the ball to. We're all alone out there and everyone is staring at us and we just don't know what to do next.
  6. People tend to project on us what they think they would do in our situation. They imagine that if they lost their spouse they would pull themselves up by the bootstraps and handle every situation with a glass half full attitude. We represent the effects of death. We are a living reminder of the ultimate pain so they project to make themselves feel like they would be ok. Our reactions to the cornucopia of situations and stimuli we deal with have nothing to do with any choice we make. And sometimes the same situation garners a different response on different days. It's like taking every possible negative human emotion and throwing them into a blender. We mix it on high for 2 minutes and then we get to pour some out several times each day. We get what we get whether we want to or not and we have no choice but to drink up and pretend we're enjoying it.
  7. The terrible part is that we're not sitting in solitary confinement with no windows. We actually get to suffer in this prison cell while being able to see out the window to society. We get to see everyone else go on with their lives with their spouses. We see the births, engagements, marriages, holidays. All of the moments and times that we so desperately long for that we cannot ever have again. It's torture magnified.
  8. Such an amazing way to put it. It is so very much like serving time. I was living the high life and had everything I had ever wanted. Then, in the blink of an eye, I am in prison for the rest of my life. Serving a sentence for a crime I didn't commit. Sometimes I wish the executioner would just flip the switch.
  9. The Silence

    Powerful words that I hope I can remember when the opportunity presents itself.
  10. The Silence

    It's really tough Tom. It's like the whole "meaning of life" question personified. Why am I here and Lori is gone? What is my purpose? Am I supposed to learn something from all of this? Is there something I am supposed to change about myself or a task I must accomplish? I wish I knew so I could get on with it. But God has his timeframe and it definitely is longer than mine I suppose. Truth be told, I would have rather He took me when Lori left so I wasn't stuck here in the mud spinning my wheels. BTW: Those people telling you there is more for you to do. Oh how I wish I could have a frank yet short discussion with them. The phrase "Easier said than done" never rang so true. If they only knew.
  11. The Silence

    I keep the TV on all night. I need the distraction as it's the silence that scares me. The darkness and the silence. Kay, those times are tough for me too. Hearing news and wanting to tell Lori, only to realize she isn't here. I came home from work the other day and pulled into the garage. I saw Lori's car and my first thought was, "oh good, Lori's home" then it hit me like we all know and I just sat there.
  12. Praying for you on this difficult day. These days are tough. Sunday will be the anniversary of Lori and my first date. We both worked at the same company and we had been emailing(back in the days before instant messaging) each other on the company email. Lori saved and printed a great deal of the emails for posterity and, my how glad I am that she did. I wonder how we got any work done as we emailed each other constantly. We had worked together for about 9 months and we had a mutual friend that always had to hear about us talking about the other one and how we were interested. Well one day she stopped us both and said. "Lori this is Sean. Sean this is Lori" and walked away. We started emailing and then one day she invited me out for drinks after work. I agreed but we both wondered if the other would invite co-workers for a happy hour. In the back of our minds we both hoped it would be just us but we were not sure. I got to the restaurant and saw her there alone. I walked up and asked if it was just us. She said yes and I said I didn't invite anyone either. There were those million butterflies. We saw each other the next night and the next and the next and the rest is history. That was the first day of the best fourteen years of my life. I read those emails last night and balled like a baby. BUT. There were many happy tears mixed in. It was like I was living it all over again. It was like she was there. I got to escape to a place I haven't been to for a while and it felt really good. I hope you can get to that happy place no matter how fleeting.
  13. I've gone back and read some of your posts. They are eerily similar to mine. I met a Lori at work and we worked together our entire marriage. We were married 13 years never had children and lived in our house for ten years. My wife also died suddenly in the middle of the night.
  14. I am so sorry that you are not only dealing with the loss of your husband but you have to deal with people who are acting this way towards you. I usually tell people that are new to the forum that 99% of the people you deal with mean well when they say things that seem to be cold and sometimes callous. Well, unfortunately there is the other 1%. Sometimes people are too wrapped up in their own lives to stop and consider anyone else's feelings. It must be hard for you to deal with that. You should grieve in YOUR timeframe and nobody else's. People are under some strange illusion that grief is a finite timeline and you should be over your spouses death when they are over it. Something you will hear on this forum a lot is that only people that have experienced the loss of a spouse can truly understand this level of grief. The sad thing is that one of the very people treating you this way will probably endure this one day and then likely reflect on how they treated you.
  15. Hello - Emptiness

    That, to me, is one of the saddest aspects of this. That only people that have gone through this can relate. It makes it so tough to open up to people in our lives. It isolates us. I have three people(mother in law, friend of family, cousin)I know that have lost a spouse so I know when I talk to them they know my pain. They don't sugar coat it and they give me real words. I find the same solace and advice here and don't know where I would be without each and every one of you.
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