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About MartyT

  • Rank
    Grief Counselor
  • Birthday 02/10/1943

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    mother, daughter, friend
  • Date of Death
    5/26/67, 9/3078,10/06/93
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  • Location (city, state)
    Sarasota, Florida

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  1. My friend, if you've found your way to this forum, I hope you've also taken some time to read through some of the posts you'll find here. Doing so will help you realize that you are not alone. Terrible accidents do happen, and surely what happened to your dear little Nutmeg is one of them ~ but that in no way means that anyone in your family set out intending to bring harm to this precious little creature. Quite the contrary: Clearly if you were willing to open your home to foster two kittens, your heart is in the right place, and I'm sure your mom's is, too. What you're left with now is guilt. As you say, your mom blames herself, and I would imagine that everyone in the family feels a little bit of anger, too. That is not to say that any of these feelings is justified ~ but it helps to remember (I hope) that feelings are not facts. No one wanted this horrid accident to happen. Everyone feels terrible that it did happen. Don't try to talk yourselves out of any of the feelings you may be having. Better to let everyone just feel what you are feeling and find a way to express those feelings. Guilt like this usually requires some form of absolution, which can come in the form of sharing with trusted others what has happened and obtaining forgiveness from them. Still, in the end, the one whose forgiveness matters most is forgiveness of oneself. Both you and your mom must find a way to forgive yourselves for being human, for making a terrible mistake, and for unintentionally causing harm to an innocent animal. It also helps to find a way to make amends ~ to find some way to make up for what happened to your kitty. That could be simply by having been brave enough to share your story here with us ~ which serves as a powerful warning to those of us with kittens in the house to be more careful about making sure our major appliances are checked thoroughly before we shut their doors. It could also be by writing a letter to Nutmeg's spirit, asking her understanding and seeking her forgiveness. You could construct a meaningful ritual for your family, reading the letter, setting it aflame and sending the message heavenward. Use your imagination. Rituals are powerful ways to cope with pain like this. I hope you will do a bit of reading to come to a better understanding of what you are feeling, Maude ~ and encourage your mom to do so as well. You might start here: Pet Loss: Curious Cats Get Killed in Clothes Dryers ♥
  2. What you and Steve have found together is beyond beautiful, Patty, and no two people deserve it more than you do. Love like this is to be celebrated. No explanations are necessary. None are expected. Please don't let this be a reason that keeps you away from us, if and when you feel the need for our understanding and support. Our hearts are filled with joy for both of you, and I believe that Ron and Kathy are right there celebrating with you. They are the ones who showed you two what true love is, and to know it when you've found it. We're all sending love and blessings to both of you. ♥
  3. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about your experience in participating in this study, Herc. I think this is helpful to others who may be considering whether or not they wish to be interviewed. Like everything else in grief, everyone's responses are different, and how such an interview affects each person will vary also ~ but that is precisely what makes such a study so valuable. Differences matter, and we need to learn about grief from the perspective of the very people who are experiencing it.
  4. This was one of my daddy's favorite expressions, Marg. See The Grammarphobia Blog: A Tinker's Damn
  5. We wish you Godspeed in your journey, dear Steve ♥
  6. Clearly you did your very best in caring for and loving a man who you yourself describe as very independent and wanting to do things for himself. That is not an easy task, dear Cookie. The guilt you describe is neither logical nor justified, but that doesn't mean you aren't feeling it. Just remember that feelings aren't the same as facts, and feeling guilty does not mean that you are, in fact, guilty as charged. You can put yourself on trial for whatever you think you did or didn't do to save your dying husband ~ but it is our job to make sure that it is a FAIR trial. Forgive yourself for being human. Know that you did all you possibly could to take good care of your beloved. We delude ourselves into thinking we have control over the big stuff like life and death, and it is frightening to recognize how little control we really do have. You did your very best. Let it be enough. ♥
  7. Let this be your mantra until you have that surgery and are all recovered from it, dear Kay. We'll be thinking of you and lifting you in prayer on the 31st. ♥
  8. Sharing: Karyn Arnold over at Grief In Common posted this helpful article today: Dating After the Loss of a Spouse If there is one issue that can create division, and even anger, in a room full of widows and widowers, it’s the topic of dating after the loss of a spouse. Of all the subjects in all the groups that I’ve ever facilitated, this may be the most controversial. For some, just the mention of dating again can cause such a negative and visceral reaction -I’ve seen grievers walk out of presentations where this topic was only one small part of the conversation. But why the strong reaction? Does it a feel like a sense of betrayal to the deceased? Or of being rushed into something we’re not ready for? Is just the thought of having to start over, to put ourselves out there just too overwhelming or too exhausting? Is it that the endeavor seems worthless as there will simply never EVER be someone as perfect for us as the partner we lost? And is it fair that a griever has to cope with this tremendous grief while also answering questions from family and friends about whether they plan to date again? Or is it fair that a griever may face judgement from those who think that they aren’t ready to date or believe they shouldn’t? Read on here >>>
  9. Yes, Dave. Exactly that. Thank you. ♥ See also Finding Meaning In Your Loss
  10. Right now, dear Gin, you are honoring Al just by being here with us, living one day at a time, and finding a way to keep moving. For now, just be where you are, and let it be enough ♥
  11. Isn't that the truth?! Whatever did we do before we had Google?
  12. My dear AB3, I'm so sorry it felt to you as if your fiance had been lying to you about the state of his health. On the other hand, perhaps when he was with you, he needed to believe ~ or at least to act as if ~ he was healthy and therefore able to look forward to spending the rest of his life as your husband. Maybe it was the only way he could face what was otherwise a very uncertain future. The point is that your fiance wanted desperately to LIVE. And now here you are, very much alive, but feeling lost and asking what's the point of living. In a webinar I listened to today, the presenter offered a principle he shares with his bereaved clients: "Don't waste your grief." That is to say, it is in your power to make your grief count for something ~ something that honors the life of the person you've loved and lost ~ the one whose life was cut so short, no matter how much he wanted to live. Do what you can to make something good come out of your loved one's death. As you face the day, I wonder what would happen if you changed your thinking from "wake up, work, back to sleep" to "What can I do today to honor my loved one, and to make his life count for something?" The life he wanted so desperately to live was shortened, but you are still alive. How can you live the life you still have in a way that honors and celebrates the life your beloved has lost? ♥
  13. You may find this article helpful, Cookie (and the ones listed at the base as well, if you haven't read them already): Finding Crying Time in Grief
  14. Thank goodness your story ended well, Marita! How frightening that must have been for you! I'm so sorry! Patty, my dear, I think the best thing you can do (short of hiring an attorney, which you may have done already) is to consult with a third party is get the best advice you can find, from someone you know and trust ~ someone who is not emotionally attached to your business and who can help you look at this situation more objectively, keeping your best interests in mind as you review your options. (What little experience I've had with hiring an attorney taught me that the only ones who make any money in a lawsuit are the attorneys.) My heart just hurts for you ♥