firefly

Every body's grief journey is so different. It just hurts...It has been 2 and a half years for me. Overall I would say for me that is my main feeling. sometimes other things... but mostly...this ache of pain and longing. I think for me it just goes in cycles of bad days. On the bad days I just pray you have friends to reach out to when you are ready and in that mood. bask in the good things you have and smile knowing that your brother would be happy for your life. I am so sorry. hold on there will be a better day.

I am so sorry for your loss, cheesy words...but abccurate, it is a huge loss. I'm so sorry you didn't get to see him at Christmas...and every christmas after that. My older brother died in a car accident at 22. He died in October 06

I don't even know how long its been...I don't like to count...lets see 2 and a half years roughly. Of course I'm "good" I'm fine. :-) I function well. I'm a good wife, mom, coworker. I havn't been on here for almost a year. I am very thankful that this is still here for me. It fills that immediate need to vent. It hurts. a lot. I was on my facebook writting to my other brother who got up and moved a week after Levi died. I have only seen him one time since Levi's death. I was just writting various friends and I thought...wow it feels so much like I should just be able to facebook Levi...where are you? You should be here...You should be in my life...you should be holding my children whom you've never even met. Unless you count taking them to your grave. where is your smile? where is your laugh? where is your smell? where are your arms to hug me? where are your eyes full of grey and blue? where is your wit? where is your voise? where is your love. Levi was only 22...I'm turning 23 in July. that sucks. You are never supposed to be older than your big bro.

I just found this subject. I found the response to be extremely touching. Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Yes that phrase moving on...and letting go. I didn't like it back when Levi died. and I don't like it now two years later. I will never move on or let go of my Levi...not of his smile, not of his eyes, not of his laughter, not of his dreams, not of his protectiveness, not of the life he never got to live. No he lived. I feel it would be robbing him of the life he had to just say oh well...guess I'll just "let that go" guess I'll just move on...because it wasn't really that important any way. How stupid. My biggest break through was realizing yes...I have to just go through this pain...I can't just ignore it, hide it, or minimize it or call it something else! I have to grieve. Thanks again guys. love, Anna

I already tried to respond to this. I must have messed it up. so I will try again. hopefully there won't be two messages. I was just going to say that would make me very upset to see my brothers grave ill kept, or if there were too many rules to keep. My biggest pet peve is when people put things that he wouldn't like at his spot. Like big puffy fake pink flowers, or trash like cigaretes and beer. yes he did like those things but it makes his spot look trashy! it is hard enough to go there...I wish you the best and i hope that situation improves. -firefly

Hi guys, It is me again. :-) Hey I've been having a really rough month. That is why I joined. I believe now that I am a little more informed, that I am experiancing delayed grief. One interesting facite has been the affect on my relationship with my family, and God, and on my usual relationships, activities, and responsibilities. I couldn't figure out why nothing seemed satisfying emotionally. I have a great husband with the normal flaws, a wonderful best friend, a good job, and a personal relationship with Jesus. I just was feeling depressed, like none of it mattered. And that isn't like me. I can always find a plan of action. I don't let feelings run my life. But this was totally different. It felt like a black hole, nothing was worth doing. of course I went through the motions vigorously, (yet failing becuase I was just stuffing everything) Finally I started to reach out. It is a journey It is not going to get better over night. It isn't a point A to point B line. It is more like a new way of being, a new depth to my life. Another aspect to walk with God through. He is here with me not to take away my pain. But to help me to walk through it. He will hold me when I cry. He will love me when I am weak. It is ok to grieve That sounds stupid I know. But apparently I was not allowing it. I have now listned to those around me. Thank you for being a huge part of that voice, telling me it is ok to grieve deeply, I'm not failing anyone, I'm not giving up, I am simply following a natural healing progression. No everyday isn't going to be a black hole of mourning. But there will be many many hard days. Just because it is two years, ten years, twenty years. I will still grieve the loss of relationship with my dear brother Levi. And that is ok. My husband will still be there for me to listen, And I can risk sharing with others my pain. Even if it doesn't bring instant healing and releif it is still worth sharing. It was actually extremely difficult for me to open up to my husband. I dont' know why. WE have only been married for two years. Levi died two months after we were married. I think I was just afriad he would think it was weird that I suddenly was breaking down two years later. I didn't want to be told to just move on. Even if he ment well by it. He didn't react that way. He just held me. It felt good to open that door of communication. now i know that I was feeling so emotionless about all the things I love because I had built up walls of protection around myself so I wouldn't have to feel the pain of missing my brother. obvious sounding , but duh, I wasn't feeling my husbands love, or my heavenly fathers love, both of them there saying here it is going to hurt but I will hold your hand. I am very blessed to have the support I have. But even if I didn't I would still be ok. It is actually going to be ok. -Anna ps thank you for being here for me

Hey, I'm really glad I found this entry. It really touches a cord in me. I can always tell when something hits home...that horable nauseas feeling erupts in my stomach. My throught aches as my automatic defenses come up. I remember repeatedly as a child, my mom telling me I was a drama queen. I was ignored if I was showing emotion while I was communicating. My mom loved me very very much and we are great friends now. She has stiffled her emotions forever. So why would she be comfortable with her daughter showing hers? My husband has the same tendencies, however we talk about it and he then sees that he needs to show his emotion, and needs to validate mine. He also tells me I need to just "move on" concerning my brother's passing. He means well, but he has never lost someone. He doesn't understand. I feel bad for going to other resourses besides my husband with something so deep. I try to just keep him posted on anything I discover elsware. I would really like to contact someone perfessional and try to talk some things over. I am so bottled up, I totally relate to what you were saying about letting go to a perfect stranger better than your family. I really don't get much out of talking with my family. Accept to tell them that I am there for them. That has been my role for a long time. I also related to what was said about how people with delayed grief often had issues at the time of the event in their relationship with that person. Levi and I were very close as kids. We really almost never fought. I adored him. He was only 2 years older than me. He grew up to be rebelious. He moved out of my parents home at 16 or 17. My parents enjoyed having him over to our house. But I could never go hang out with him at his house or with his friends. And I can understand my parents concern. He drank, did some recreational drugs etc. But he was a sweet heart. After I was old enough to make my own descitions I put off getting to know Levi on a deeper leval. I was too busy with my friends, my fiance, getting married, just when Matthew and I settled into our apartment after getting married, I got the call. My dad...saying there has been an accident...it's not good. and thats it. no more chances. And I dont' know where he is right now. I am not seeking guidance on that issue. I think that this cite is more about discussing our feelings than arguing our specific beliefs. no more chances to share times, love, laughter, the every day things, I don't know his favorite food, drink, movie, color, what he thought of Bush. I know the big things. We did see eachother frequently, but it was always in groups, never just coffee in a shop, never sharing a cigarate even though I dont' smoke and never would want to. Just to do it to live with him. I would smoke packs just to see his smile. thanks "peace out" as Levi would say

I also like this song. It is a good blend. Knowing that God is there, in control, loving, not expecting us to stand up and dance blindly with a fake smile. No, he loves us, he hurts with us. Yet he is in control, will guide us through. Hold us, never belittleing our hurt. He also has felt great pain. He died on the cross, taking on the sins of the world upon himself. God watched His son die. So we could have the assurance of where we will be when our time comes.

I can understand the sentiment. Very much so. I still expect to see him walk through that door, smile at me from the car next to me at the stop light. hold my baby boy and tell me with his protectiveness that he would never let any harm come to me or his nephew. That I will hold his son one day and know that Levi lives on. It is hard to accept no for an answer.

Hi again. I heard an interesting phrase the other day. Someone told me that C.S. Lewis wrote the best way to deal with grief is to struggle through it. To simply experience it as it comes. I have found that to be fairly accurate. There is no simple answer. no magic bandaid, no equation for how or when it will hit you. here I am two years later just beginning to turn the corner of long term acceptance of my brothers passing. I am someone who likes to be in control. I like things to be in boxes. I am afraid to really dig deeply into how I feel. I am finding myself being distant from other things I care about because I am distancing myself from my grief. I want to let go. Has any one else ever had similar feelings?

My little boy's name is Clay (Clayton Levi) He is a gift from God I agree. I think it was God's reminder that He loves me, that I don't have to worry, that He is in control. It was Levi's time to go. It was the right time for Clay to be born. I wondered if he would be a constant reminder of Levi..if he would look like him etc...I am glad that he is all his own little man... :-) he has such a personality for someone so young. And yet I see glimers of Levi's eyes or smile from time to time. It is a perfect combination.

I'm glad to listen. It is so hard to talk about sometimes. I think that I have put off dealing with a lot of my emotions until the last few weeks. That is why I started to write here. My brother Levi also died as a result of a drinking insident. He and my other brother Jason and Their girlfriends were having some fun just hanging out with our neighbors drinking, watching a game on tv. It got late and they all descided to drive to Levi's place where he was going to cook up some ribs. He loved to cook! He made the best food. And look at me...:-) I could care less to cook except to feed my husband. Any way...Levi let his girlfriend drive. No one thought that she had had anything to drink that night. But she did. They died...They hit a tree at 80 miles per hour. I wasn't with them that night. I was at my house. I will always remember recieving that phone call from my dad.......My brother Jason has very similar feelings as you. He wishes they hadn't let Levi's girlfriend drive...that he had been more protective of his little brother. But these are all things that can't be changed. I am so glad you are talking about it. Jason never has...I love him so much and I would never blame him. I do think seriously about drinking... There are so many dangerous situations that have come up before...this is just one more the last one for Levi and his girlfriend. Thank you for listening. I want you to know that God isn't mad at you...I hope the rest of your family expresses there love for you. I can't immagine the torcher of not knowing for so long...I was the one who really had to pull together and make plans...I've held it together for a long time. It feels hard..but good to talk about things. Thank you again

Thank you so much for the responce. I see that you are from Scotland. Even though we are far apart we are able to help eachother. We are also very close in age. How did your brother die? if you don't mind me asking and if you feel like sharing. I will pray for you today.

Hey I'm not a teen I'm 22. But I like it over here:-) I feel like the things you guys are writting about are alot more exploritory, There seem to be more responses to the subjects too. My brother died almost 2 years ago now. I haven't delt with it much. I guess it just feels pointless to dwell on. Nothing can change the facts. A lot of the time I enjoy talking about him...Levi...I enjoy remembering. And then a period of time will come where I just feel sick to my stomach and sometiemes it is hard to breath. I don't realize for a couple days sometimes that it is that feeling, back again. It is like a huge storm cloud that follows me. I don't know when it will come, how long it will stay or how to get out from under it. I believe in God. I have a personal relationship with Jesus my savior and friend. I know that he is in control and that this wasn't outside of his will for my life. I trust him. I don't even think I am angry with him. This is separate. This must be that word...grief. It is so physical. So draining. I wonder if it will always be like this. It just doesn't take much. If the weather is just right I wake up feeling like it is the morning of his funeral. This is a bad week. I need to become more educated in "grief" any thoughts?

Hi I just joined, I've never used one of these on-line discusion things before. Sorry if that sounds dumb. I just really feel the urge to write about my brother who passed two years ago in a car accident. He was young only 22. I was 20 when it happened. I wanted to write to someone who also knew what I was going through. I hope someone comments. It is odd to be turning 22 next week. I shouldn't be as old as Levi. I love to write his name, to say it, to hear it. He shouldn't be gone. I don't have any friends who have lost someone close to them at a young age. I am still struggling. I am not unable to go through my day. I have a 9 month old son to live for his middle name is Levi. I got pregnant with him 4 months after Levi died. He was born one week after Levi's birthday and one week before his death date ( one year later). I don't even know what to write. Nothing changes the facts.