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My mother died on November 6th 2015. Every time I think of it, I cannot breath and then go into a sobbing fit. I don't know how to move forward. Some days I feel okay and somewhat normal. Other days are like today. I have so much guilt I don't know what to do. I was planning a vacation for my husband and me. Planning was done in February 2015 for a cruise in November 2015. While planning, I had a gut feeling. I couldn't tell you what it was, just something not right. I bought insurance (which I never do). Around September 2015, my mother decided to see a doctor (even was not big on Western doctors and medicine). She was only going to prove everyone wrong (everyone except for me thought she may have suffered a small stroke as you could no longer understand her when she tried to talk). Test came back negative. No stroke. She and I knew it. She didn't want to go for countless tests as she said she was not a lab rat. The Dr. Said that just the physical looks and speach, she is diagnosing ALS. She fell a couple times within two weeks and two weeks before my trip. I talked to her a couple of times telling her I wanted to cancel. She insisted that we go. My son was going to stay with her to watch her and help and my dad was going to stay at my house to be with my daughter. My son was 21st his girlfriend was leaving the next week so he really wanted to spend time with her. My mom wanted my daughter (17) to stay with her. My dad was at my house taking care of my dogs. When my daughter got up at 6 am to check on grandma, she found my mom had died. My daughter tried to call my dad but he was in the shower and didn't answer. He called back when he was out. The phone lines got crossed and all he could do was listen to 911 instruct my daughter on giving her grandma CPR. I saw my aunts post on face book while in the airport waiting to come home. I feel guilty, horrible, despicable and everything else. I knew in my heart I should have canceled. I should have never put every one in that position. I could have spent more time. I know my daughter is messed up. She turned 18 and moved out. I know the family is a constant reminder for her, so she doesn't talk to us. I know my dad is lonely. My son feels guilty for not being the one home with her and I put everyone in these shoes. I'm the only child of my parents (and put them through he'll when I saw younger. I have only recently been able to start making up for how horribly I treated them). When will I start to be okay? When will the guilt, depression, anxiety and fear of my father being so lonely / passing ease?