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Hi all. my boyfriend of 3 years passed away this year. I don’t know how I will ever get on with life. I thought that I was going to spend my life with him- we are both only 24 years old. I am finding the transition from being in a relationship to being on my own so difficult. I don’t myself telling people who come up to me in bars that I’m still in a relationship. I feel so lonely though. I am the kind of person who much prefers being with someone than being on my own, so that is something I’m finding so hard after losing him. I know that I won’t be ready to move on for a long time, but even the thought of kissing someone else turns my stomach. Will I ever feel like I can move on from this? I am young and I would like to think that in a few years I might have a partner again to share my life with, to have a family with.. but I also feel like my late partner was the ‘one’ for me. And that I will never experience that kind of love again. any thoughts welcome… thank you

My boyfriend, Darius, died two weeks ago. We just buried him 3 days ago. Of all the relationships I have had to date, I know for a fact that he was the love of my life. I am quite certain that would have lasted forever. I am completely lost. Going through the motions of my daily life, work especially like nothing has happened. I smile and speak with my typical cheeriness and no one (save the people that I trust and have told) are any the wiser. Although as soon as I get home, or I am alone (in my office, or the elevator) the façade fails. I am left feeling empty, broken, crushed under an invisible weight, struggling to breath, exhausted and somehow both heartbroken and apathetic. I have no idea what to do or how to be anymore. Everyone says to "take thing s one day at a time", yet everyday is the same. There is no longer any normalcy, no hope, nothing to hold on to. It all seems a meaningless journey along a dark and cold road, where there was once hope that he and I could make something better. No longer, just a long cold road with no end in sight. I don't know what to do.

Hi, my name is Nikka. It feels strange to be typing all of this out since it is personal but sometimes you have to let it out and get a strangers opinion and support. About 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend of almost 2 years and I made the harsh mutual decision to break up after months of repetitive arguments and a failed attempt at a month long break. These have been the longest 2 weeks of my life and my (now) ex and I have not been able to hault communication for more then 2 days even when we both agree in order to find ourselves we need to stay apart. Let me back up a bit. In April of last year, my boyfriend lost his sister in an incredibly sudden fatal car accident. All his life, he resented her and said nothing but hateful things about her. At one point he told me he wanted to cut communication with her completely and said he hated her. He never had a concrete reason other then she was a trouble maker and was pretty unreliable. I only met her twice before she passed so I did not create a solid feeling about her. I figured it was meaningless sibling rivalry and told him one day he might change his mind. We had a wonderful relationship which shared its fair share of trouble in 2 years. We were our first loves and went through familial hardships, depression, and growing up together and thought we could overcome anything. At first, when his sister tragically passed, he pushed it away. He told me he was fine and needed to stay strong for his parents. He said he was the only one who could keep them afloat. He turned to me for distraction and I didn't want to pressure him into talking about things since at home, that was all he heard about constantly. He didn't want pity or for anyone to look at him any differently so I gave that distraction and comfort to him. But, summer hit and things took a turn. He started fading away. He stopped caring about things he normally would care about and in the midst of a pandemic it was hard to find any excitement. I stayed by his side and tried to slowly get him to talk about things but eventually it became too much. Around November, I started feeling this overarching fear that he was falling out of love with me but anytime I tried to bring this up it resulted in a fight. He would blame me for the fights and say I asked too much of him. I believed it and worked really hard to give him space but after months of us having this same fight, something in him snapped. One day, he told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me and didn't know himself anymore. We decided to take a break for a month after a long conversation full of tears and hugs and after a week, we got lonely and got back together. We tried to go on break one more time in this same span of a month until 2 weeks ago, I broke up with him. It was mostly mutual but, I got fed up with him avoiding me and blaming me for everything. I asked and begged him to take me out on a date and took him out on multiple and did everything in my power to help him find happiness but ultimately realized he couldn't love me, if he couldn't love himself. Long story short, we still talk. And after these 2 weeks he has apologized for being so distant and avoiding me. He didn't wanna keep disappointing me and wants to find himself but doesn't know how to. I just don't know what to do. All I want to do is be with him and I am terrible at giving him space. Multiple times we have both said we should not talk for the better but then end up talking anyway. I know we can't find ourselves if we don't spend time apart, but I just don't want to be without him. It is a tricky situation and I just needed an outlet to tell my story in a long winded way. He has lost so much; his sister, his aunt, and now his grandma is looking to be heading in that direction. So much death for someone so young is a lot and it is reason enough not to know why you want to live anymore. I just wish he knew how loved he was and how much he means to me. I can tell him time and time again but he will never understand until he figures it out himself.

I met my now ex-boyfriend at the obstacle course training gym he worked at and I knew right away that he liked me. He bent the rules a little and emailed me his number, so we started talking more and I invited him up to take him horseback riding and paintballing while I had time during spring break. Within a few visits (he lives an hour away) he had met my entire family and friend group. We are both very driven people so we were wise with how often we could meet and never wanted to leave each other once we were together. This was my first relationship and he made me feel very secure and loved, he would give me small sweet kisses whenever the situation allowed and I could feel all my worries wash away when he did that. About two months into our relationship my friends of 8 years left because I expressed I felt they had disrespected my mom who’s roof they were living under for quite a while. He supported me through this and gave me an amazing birthday I will never forget. He started a new job just after and I was busy with finals in school so we talked less than we used to, but made plans to see each other. I began to worry when I didn’t hear anything from him because it was unusual for him. He didn’t want me to meet his parents so I had no way of finding out. Eventually he texted me apologizing and explaining that his best friend committed suicide the day prior and he went on a bender with his friends (he doesn’t normally drink). I told him he could talk to me, but that I understood if he didn’t feel like it and gave him space. He then messaged a few days later that it had been a rough few days, I told him I was relieved to hear from him and asked if there was anything I could do. He said he was doing better and talked a bit about the funeral. I asked if he had ever told me anything about this friend but I didn’t hear anything until a week later when he broke up with me because he was not in the right mind set to be in a relationship. I could tell he took his friends suicide hard because he stopped talking to me and that it was the reason for braking up because we were so happy before. I offered my friendship to him because I know that’s what he needs right now, but really I wish I could tell him that if he ever felt he was on the right path in the future and still had feelings to let me know, but I know that is definitely not what he needs right now. I do believe we could be friends because we were essentially friends first and it being my first relationship I was not used to being a girlfriend yet. He is an amazing person and just wants to good in this world and I would like him to be a part of my life, however that may be. Many people say to surround yourself with friends and family but my close friends left and my mom’s brother is dying in the hospital so I don’t want to stress her out even more by her seeing my cry over this. The only other time in my life I was this distraught was when we had to put my beloved dog down (I had never cried or been in so much pain in my life). The hardest part is knowing we would have been great together under different circumstances and little things that remind me of our relationship together. We were supposed to go on a mud run next weekend, but it was moved to a week before his birthday in early September. Mostly I am confused on whether or not I should contact him and what about or how.

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Okay, so my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months now. but after being together for a little over 1 month, his brother tragically and suddenly passed away. Since then, he has been a totally different person. I have been there for him since the second he got the news, and I haven't left. We had a fight where he spoke to me and treated me in a way where I won't condone in a relationship that has been built on mutual respect and honesty. (this wasn't the first time and he blames the outbursts on his anxiety about his brother) I have been VERY understanding about his outbursts and high level of anxiety due to his brother's passing. But out of anger I broke up with him, he didn't seem to even care. Later on that day I call him to talk and take back what had happened.. but he did some self reflection and realized that he "needs space" because he doesn't want to treat me the way he has been treating me. What I don't understand is why he needs space from only me and why he is only pushing me away and is more involved with being with his friends when I have been nothing but good to him and there for him. He hasn't made me a priority at all since his brother died and I understood he has so much more going on, but why is it okay for him to be with his friends and not me? Why am I the only one that he needs time away from? I'm giving him the space he asked for, but it is really hard for me because he was so contradicting and confusing and refused to really talk about it. I love him and I believe what we have is special and he says the same...but then why the sudden change of heart.

This has been an entirely unexpected experience. My ex boyfriend from over 10 years ago passed away suddenly. I did not keep in touch. Our break up was hard and one sided by me. I know he married about 2 or 3 years ago and in addition to leaving her, they had a young child, an older child from her he adopted and his wife is due in August. I didn't realize how much I thought of him until every memory is filled with sadness now. We both moved on and I am currently married for almost 3 years. My husband has done his best to be understanding but I feel like I can't talk to him about it. I don't have anyone to talk to that knew him. I did go to and was welcomed by his Mom and we hugged but during the memorial it was like I never existed in his life, which is mostly understandable with having a wife. I feel incredible sadness and anger that he was denied a long life of happiness with his family. He influenced so much of who I am now and so many things in my present life make me think of him. It has been a month since he passed and I totally broke down today because of a broken computer because we took computer classes together in highschool. I feel very alone and my best friend who I had kept in contact with died 10 years ago so no one to talk to. Kinda in contact with his friends but I feel I cannot express this with them and they will not be sympathetic since I broke up with him. I feel like I lost both my best friends from highschool and part of college. My ex and I spent so much time together. It made me happy to know he was happy with his family. Now that is crushed and all these memories, good and bad have come back and I feel like it is not Ok for me to be this sad.