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Found 18 results

  1. hi. i am a 44 year old woman (single) and no kids. i have been estranged from my 2 sisters and one brother since my father died 3 years ago and i had to hire an attorney against 2 of my siblings. we went to meditation and have not spoken since. my heart broke but i did my best to move forward with my life. my father kidnapped my sisters, my brother and myself from our mother when i was about 7. my mom found us but decided to leave us with our father , who she knew was abusive and had married a horribly abusive woman. my mother has never been able to really acknowledge her lack of reponsisbility as a mother - preferring to just "move forward" which meant for me , that I had to just never really have needs and just kind of accept what she wanted to offer me. she was not abusive, just self centered and very "private." i decided, yet again, after my father died, that my mother wasn't acting in a way that i felt safe around and it was too much for me to keep trying to not have needs and just be a smiling happy daughter..... so i decided to stop talking to her again (a lot of awful things happened with my siblings after my father died and she wasn't supportive of me and that felt like a 2nd abandonment to me). I just got a call from my moms best friend 2 days ago that my mother was diagnosed a year ago with lung cancer (she's been a smoker my whole life), she lives in miami and i live in los angeles. she has been through chemo and is now in hospice at her own apt. she is also now too medicated to talk on the phone or even look at her phone. (I found this out from one of her broken english speaking nurses). no one in my family will accept my phone calls or texts, and when I spoke to my aunt (my mothers sister) she told me that she didn't think it was her job to tell me my mother had cancer and started blaming me for hurting my mother by being estranged. the thing is - now i am not able to talk to my mother, she can't answer her phone, i have no idea how long she has left (doesn't seem like long), and i do not know what to do. i do not know if i am supposed to get on a plane and go see her, or if it's more of a self loving thing to do and the best self care for myself, to start greiving for her here where i have my own support system and friends who love me. for whatever reason my siblings hate me - and refuse to speak to me or give me any information about my mother. they do not return my calls or texts. i just literally found all of this out - my older brother and sister i guess moved to miami (my 2 sisters and my brother all lived in los angeles) 9 months ago to take care of my mother. again no one told me. this is all a lot for me to try to stomach and process. i know my mother did not hate me - and her best friend kept telling me that "your mother planned to tell you herself, but she just got very sick and we didn't see it coming so i am calling you now" - and i am hearing through a mutual friend of one of my sisters that apparently my mother asked my siblings not to tell me she had cancer. I really do not know what the best idea is for me - to go say goodbye to my mom across the country without the support of people who know me, and possibly exposing myself to my extremely toxic siblings and relatives (when they were angry with me after my father died - they told me i was not allowed into my fathers home unless they were there to "watch" me) all the way across the country. It took me 2 years to get my life back to a stable place emotionally after everything i went through with my siblings after my father died. i cannot do it again. anyone with any experience or thoughts around this would be so so so very helpful. thank you all so much.
  2. My husband started chemotherapy and radiation today. He has 3-6 months with no treatment and 1-2 years with treatment. So we are doing treatment. Made it real today starting treatment. My best friend moved 2000 miles away a year ago. I have my sister but she is a single mom of 5 kids. I don't have many other friends. Where can I make friends at a time like this? Any ideas? I can't stand the thought of being alone when my husband passes.
  3. My Mom passed almost five years ago of Cancer when I was 16. She was ill since I was 12. was an incredible Mom, I am so proud and grateful that she was mine. Since her passing, I have felt an overwhelming amount of guilt as I wasn't there for her when she was dying. I was so afraid - I hid in my room on the computer. In a sense, I still do. I experienced deep, overwhelming depression and agoraphobia. It spiralled out of control. Every time I get a job, for example, I become deeply depressed and spiral into suicidal thoughts and actions. I do not know how to stop this. Since my Mom's passing, I have continually dropped out of schools, jobs and relationships. I struggle with keeping my word and struggle to accept myself. A few days ago my Dad told me he is at breaking point and struggles supporting me as an adult. It is not fair to him. In a few weeks, I am starting school again. I really do not want to fail and drop out this time - I want to succeed. Please help me
  4. Okay so on July 3rd my girlfriend Amanda just ended our relationship of 7 months because I was "adding to much stress" onto her already stressful life, she just found out her dad has stage 4 stomach cancer and has 2 months to live, and has now ended our amazing relationship, we literally did everything together, we were so in love, she told me how much she loved me every single day and how she wanted to be together forever and wanted to get married and have kids, move in together, ect, ever since her dad got sick she hasn't been the same and we fought all the time just because I wanted to see her more, you see I went from seeing her every single day to maybe once a week and this was a hard adjustment for me, our relationship was incredible before all of this, we spent everyday together we loved all the same things, we were best friends and everything was heaven sent, we lost our virginities to eachother and that just made us feel 10x more connected and she used to say the sweetest things to me daily about how she wanted to be with me forever and how she loved me so much and how there's no one else she'd rather be with. so on July 2nd we got in a really bad fight and she was saying that she wanted to take a break and I was having a hard time accepting it and I told her just to think about it and she said she was going to watch a movie with her parents I get a text from her about 30 mins later saying basically that she still wanted to be with me forever and that she still loved me and that she wants this to work but it's not going to if I don't stop fighting with her.. so the next morning I ask her if she wanted to hangout before we work (we work together by the way) and she said no so I imeedatly felt bad and asked why and she said she wanted to take her time getting ready but she had already promised me previously that she would spend time with me that day, so I was hurt and I confronted her on it, then she said she was right about taking the break and broke up with me, I tried to beg for her back after work that night and she wouldn't budge, she then said she'd figure out what's best for her and she'd see if she wants to get back together when in the past she said if we ever took a break she promised we'd get back together... im just extremely heartbroken and sick from all of this, I don't understand why this is happening and how she can go from being head over heels in love with me to leaving me like I'm nothing.. ill explain the story in better detail if people can help
  5. My mom died on Sunday, June 12. I have so many mixed feelings since she was suffering. The last few months have been hard, living in limbo. She was diagnosed two years ago with primary liver cancer and to complicate matters, she also had non-alcoholic cirrhosis and needed a transplant. The tumors were successfully killed and she was on the transplant list when additional tumors were found elsewhere. The experimental therapy kept some from growing, but others grew and at the end, it was everywhere and her liver failed. She was a fighter and held on until my twins were born last August, and then we found out my brother and his wife were also expecting twins...she fought and fought, and they were born April 28. After that, she really declined. I'm angry that she suffered and I'm angry that I lost my mother. We haven't been able to do things, like Christmas shopping, for some time due to health problems...and now I never will again. It makes me so sad. I can't call her when my baby gets a new tooth, or walks for the first time. I feel so cheated. I try to think that I got her for 33 years, but, it still feels short. I was watching TV the other night and one of those retirement home commercials came on, and I thought how I won't ever have to worry about that because my mother is gone. And it just brought a wave of sadness. I really feel for my grandparents, however...my mom is the 3rd child they've lost in the last 5 years (one to suicide, one to alcoholic cirrhosis and one to cancer). To complicate things, my dad also has stage 4 renal cancer. It has spread to bones and lungs so far, but he's doing quite well at the moment, tumors aren't growing. However, he's on his 4th drug and I know it is a matter of time until it quits working. He truly has defied the odds, but...still, it makes me so mad. I am also the only daughter and the youngest of 3, so I feel a lot of responsibility suddenly. My mom was the communication hub of the family, the party planner...she was very kind, very social. I'm very introverted, pragmatic...very different. I feel that I need to step up and take over things like planning our parties, ensuring birthday cards are sent. The void she left is so huge...and I don't feel capable of filling it.
  6. Two months after the diagnosis of pancreatic cancer, my Dad died on March 5th of this year. During those two months, I cried, yelled, hugged him and and let him know it was ok to go. I thought the early grieving would make it easier, but the heartfelt pain is intense. Some days seem foggy, detached from life, alien. Other days, I feel pain more clearly and want to hide away like a wounded dog. Even though everyone experiences death at some point, it seems like no one understands my pain. This is especially hard as it brings up memories of my Brother's death years ago. i've heard that, to the extent that we experience the pain defines our capacity for joy after. My question is, how and when does the pain start to subside? I know it's a natural process, different for everyone, but what is acceptance like? Is it the slow process of filling our lives around the hole that is left or does there come a day when we know we've fully accepted what happened or both? Would like to hear from others going through this process or have made it to a peaceful place...
  7. My brother was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer on February 4th. He died on March 10th. They gave him 2 months to 22 months. My sister and I were with him when they gave us the death sentence, but right away we said well we will do this and that, carrot juice, supplements. He opted for chemo as he felt this was his only chance. He had one chemo treatment and it all went bad. He went into the hospital with severe pain. His colon had ruptured. I stayed at the hospital with him and he vomited all night long. He was in pain even with morphine. My brothers and sisters came. My parents died young and since 1983 it has been the six of us. He developed sepsis and it was horrible and traumatic to watch my brother die and there was nothing I could do. I feel like I let him down, like I should have demanded that on Wednesday when he went in that they find the problem before it got to the point it did. My brother was 62 and the adventurer of the family. He skydived, rode a Harley around the country, kayaked, and was full of life. He was loved by so many people for his wonderful generous nature and how much fun he was. He worked all his life and we thank God that he retired at 59.5. It is not fair that this happened to him, he was such a good and kind man. I want to remember the wonderful life he had but the hospital scenes keep replaying in my head. I will never get over it. I am just going through the motions. He would be so mad at me as his favorite saying was "deal with it, and move on". I want to honor his life by having the best life I can, but the pain of losing him seems insurmountable.
  8. My mom died November 24th, 2015. She died of cancer after being in the hospital for 6 weeks. She was only 45. She had a stroke prior to the cancer diagnosis and wasn't able to communicate at the time of her death. I was her power of attorney. Right after my mom died, I moved to another state. I moved back to my hometown. I quit my job and moved in with family friends and totally started over. The hardest part of all of this was packing up my moms stuff and placing it in storage. I haven't been quite ready to go through it so this was the easiest solution. In a couple of weeks, I have to go back and get everything from the storage unit. In addition, I'm picking up my moms ashes. She was cremated by the state due to lack of funds. Im not going alone however, I'm dreading everything. I haven't spoken much about her death because I'm just trying to cope with life without her. Those around me are open to "talking about it", but Im just not quite ready to talk about how I feel beyond my fear that I too will get cancer. I try to ignore my feelings but often find myself crying myself to sleep and not wanting to talk to anyone about it. My closest friend knows better and tells me not to shut everyone out. I have a tendency to throw myself into work and shut everyone out and use the excuse of "Im just working a lot" when in reality I'm working a lot to forget. Has anyone else struggled with talking about a parents death?
  9. To our best boy, our Chappie boy , our best friend forever, 01/7/2002 - 12/20/2015. Our way home, our path to a better life. You gave us the best 13 years we ever had. You were our best boy, we miss you so much, we hurt every second, and we want you back so so bad. We are so sorry you had to go this way. We feel so sorry you had to feel any pain. we cried behind your back so you would not be stressed because we knew how much you didn’t like us to be sad until the end was near we could not hold back our tears and we cried with you in our arms, we felt so bad as you got sick we didn’t want you in anymore pain, you got so sick so fast we tried to take your sickness away by taking you to the doctors and even tried different ones, we finely found a vet that promised us some hope. You did so good after your operation , we thought you was free of the cancer , after your operation you did so well everyone even the surgeon was so shocked you were so perky you were running again walking and eating back to your young self, it was the best week we had for that year. we found your cancer was so ruff we did everything we could to help you dear boy our best friend we cried during your surgery we prayed asking for you to come back to us safe and sound to your home you came and incredibly you were back on your paws you were so good we brought you to your favorite places and we shared a few good days we thought it was gone the horrible tumor was gone for good , the morning we saw that lump come back we took you right back to the vet they did another test and the test was 2 cancers in one we almost died we was so sad so shocked it was coming back again and fast it was two types of cancer in one spot, it was so fast boy I’m so sorry we tried everything to slow it down but it was coming back to take you away, you lost so much weight and would not eat we fed you with a syringe and wet your lips when you were so thirsty we got you the best organic foods that you loved Beef Bison salmon and pork chops , so sorry to take away the carrots and sweets for we were trying to starve the cancer of sugars . we got you everything we could we did all we could to make you cozy and full, we held you in my arms for 3 weeks as the cancer got worse, watching you throw up was heart breaking we know you were so thirsty and it was so hard not to see your thirst go away daddy packed your dressing with Manuka honey and essential oils to try to soften your area so you could poo and fight infection , We soaked you in the tub only to sooth your ulcerated wound, we took you to the doc as much as you hated them they all realy loved you tried their best to Help us , we got you the top supplements to boost your body and fight the cancer toward the end you could not drink your water and hold it down you didn’t want to eat anymore you were so sick boy your poor eyes were starting to sink in, we were your helpers your nurses you parents your companions we helped you as much as we could, Daddy and mommy went above and beyond to make you better but the cancer was too much it spread so fast without us seeing it was already there destroying your insides, when we first noticed something was wrong we took you to the doc a number of times but they said they couldn’t help you anymore . at the end we was so upset we did not sleep for 3 nights as we took turns holding you in our arms and sleeping by your side. when we got up you would cry for your mommy and daddy to come back and we would run back to you boy . For we will remember your first bark when you was only 4 months old and last howl at 13 years, whenever Daddy was away at work mommy was there for you daddy had to work and he would feel your pain when working he would sometimes break down and cry at work. We knew it was very bad when we felt the hunger in your belly but would not eat and could hear you breathing funny in your sleep. We didn’t want to throw in the towel we wanted to fight it more but we couldn’t bear to see you in any more distress and pain. Toward the end your bum was so ulcerated and so painful we couldn’t let you go on any more. We didn’t want to see you go I held the phone in my hands for three nights finding it too hard to make the call. we just couldn’t see you like that anymore after all the years of our going for walks and going for rides to the park going fishing and camping playing ball, you walking with your skunk toy and fox tail, every day daddy came home from work we really di love you greeting me at the door to take my hat , this year we will really miss you pulling the Christmas tree down the trail with Sukie beagle we will have to take your place for we don’t know if she will pull it without you there . We went for a walk and she smells you’re sent and looks all around we think she thinks you ran away and will be back she looks to your bed every night to see if you are back. All the good days we had together. You really were our best of boy. We couldn’t bring you to a place to let you go so we called a nice doctor who come to the house with here bag of things to take the pain away, she insured you would pass with no more pain, daddy held your head to my head like we would do before bed and every morning before we left for work, mommy held your hand and Andrew rest his head on your back we felt your last breath as your drifted to the other side to the end we always said we would be there with you till the very end the end was here end we love you we had to stick to it and we did , it was by far the hardest thing we ever did but we knew we had to be there till the end it’s what we promised you your whole life I’m so sorry the end was now, we always just thought one day you would pass in your sleep and old happy dog we really didn’t want you to suffer from sickness daddy and mommy always love you we have taking your pain away now and put it right into us . My eyes bleed like never before you were our love our past and present you are always with us we will never forget you , my only wish is to see you one day when we pass to play tug and sniff in the woods together, i ask you to make us a place there where you are we will see you again , we hope you found your way we hope you found your friend bun buns were sorry about her to, she was your friend we knew when she passed you missed her dearly we are gathering all your pictures I’m putting them all together so we can see you all the time , suki beagle your companion is still at the fridge barking for food she thinks you are in the woods she goes in the yard and watches the woods for you she is confused for now she misses you and we will take care of her just like you I’m sure she will be there with you soon for she cannot stop eating. we will never forget the day we took you home , you were the most hansom beagle you walked like a show dog you were so tiny with your dome head that bumped the coffee table , we lived in a small apartment that would not take dogs when you learned about your bark we could not hide you there anymore , we would take you in and out hiding you in a back pack till you grew out of that , we finally moved , boy it was you that helped us move on to a new place away from the city , a place so peaceful we enjoyed you every moment , we will miss you till the day come that we can be together again, we will walk together and you will show us your new home . You were and always are my best friend best companion. Our best boy, Buddy Chappie Beagle. You rest easy, You will be greatly missed love always, Mommie, Daddy, Andrew and sukie .
  10. On our very first date my now boyfriend told me his mom was battling cancer and had been for the past eight years. Now, two years later, she's losing her battle and I'm starting the battle of how to deal with the grief that my boyfriend is going through. I'm looking for a way/advice to help me cope with his grief as he is shutting me out and closing me off. He claims he's fine and that he's prepared for her death, but I know something is wrong. He is throwing himself into work, not eating, doesn't sleep, had no interest in intimacy or touch, and seems to be lost. Last week I confronted him about his recently behavior changes and while he continued to deny that it had anything to do with his mom, he did say that he doesn't know if he wants to continue our relationship, even though he still loves me, doesn't want to break up or for me to move out. At the time, I told him that I was going to stay until he asked me to leave, determined to help him get through whatever hard time he's having right now, hoping to make us an even stronger couple. Now, a week later, I'm struggling to keep that same positive attitude. My love languages are physical touch and quality time and I've been getting neither in the past week. Granted, he's a farmer and it's haying season so even if we weren't in this current situation I might not be seeing him much and I'm trying to remember that. I'm doing my best to give him space and time, while offering positive encouragement about work and life in general. We've had a great relationship these past two years, full of love, laughter and happy memories. We often talked about getting married and what our futures hold. I don't want to give up on that or abandon him in his time of need, but every once in a while I worry that he really doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore and just doesn't have the guts to break up with me. Maybe blaming the entire situation on his mom is just my way of denying it? If anyone has any ideas, thoughts or similar stories, please share.
  11. I turned 24 a few weeks ago. Usually I make a big deal about my birthday and plan something with my friends, but this year was different. It was my first birthday, first valentines day, first new years, first christmas and thanksgiving without my stepfather. He died of cancer in june, I took care of him. He was more than a father to me- he was a superhero. When I was 12 my mother was diagnosed with cancer- he married her 5 days later and promised to take care of her, my brother, and myself no matter what happened. She died when I was 17, a few months before I graduated high school. I continued to drink and take pills to deal with my pain. I created a lot of art work as well. I also now realize I began submitting myself to unhealthy relationships, in search of love that the other could never give me. Two years later the homicide department knocked on my door. These officers sat me down to tell me my real father had killed himself. My heart shattered. He had been unemployed and battled with his own depression and money problems. I'm not sure I ever really dealt with this loss. until now at least. Over the summer, when I became a caretaker for my sick stepfather, I prayed to my dead loved ones, for strength to get through another day. It was so taxing. so stressful and unusual for me. After he died, my whole turned upside down. Not only was I taking on -all at once- a whole swarm of responsibility i never had- to pay bills and watch over myself... A few months of living in my childhood home- my aunt, the homeowner- essentially kicked me out. Told me they were going to sell my house this spring and my drunk uncle was coming over everyday to tear apart the floors and paint. I had to move. and I did. I've lost my health insurance recently. another obstacle for me. The executor of my stepfather's will has shown her true colors- and made it clear that she is neither a good person or a part of my family any longer. I'm not sure where to get the help I need, within the low budget i have. I need support-from real people.
  12. Hi guys, sorry Ive been MIA. Ive been lacking motivation but I completed grief therapy! So thats good. Im going to be replying to old posts too so bear with me. Lately, Ive been feeling down in the dumps. Kind of like a storm cloud is following me. I no longer feel like a black cloud is over me but its more of a rainy gray cloud. Ive also been feeling disconnected and far away. Especially from my dad. I mean I know its cause hes gone but I feel so far away from him. My mom thinks Im afraid to open up to feel him because Ive watched so many paranormal shows that I freak out lol which is true. But how do I open myself up to him? Sometimes I dream about them but I dont remember them and he's still sick in them. Im not sure if I actually do dream of him or not. I asked to be visited but i dont know if I am. Any advice? I feel like grief therapy took away a lot of the pain. Its chipped some of the pain but I am still having issues.
  13. So in two weeks itll be 2 months since my dad passed and Im going okay, struggling with motivation for college and all that jazz but lately I have been full of anger. I graduated HS with a girl who had her parents do everything for her and her dad was a mean man who through his weight around to get what he wanted and I cant respect people like that but I was recently looking at her Facebook and all I can think is "why me?" why cant someone who only steps on people and does mean things get to live such a happy life and keep both her parents when I had to lose my dad to cancer and this is my ONE chance at getting a degree because I used my dads income for FAFSA. I dont want to have a pity party but what the heck. why do others get live such an easy life? I would never wish the loss of someone on someone else but why cant I have healthy parents. I am so glad that my dad is no longer suffering but I want him back. I just want a hug. My best friend told me that its probably because people like that girl couldnt handle losing someone but i dont know. I feel like life is unfair lol
  14. Today is the one month mark since my dad has passed away and I feel like this has been the fastest yet the slowest month, if that makes sense. Im still feeling lost. Im pressed for time with school, which really helps but I remember that he wont be here for my 21st birthday on the 18th and that when I go home, I cant go to his house. Well, I can but he's not there. His ashes are there but its not him. I sometimes forget to talk to him daily and I feel guilty. People say that its possible and its a good idea to keep a relationship with them going but when I think about the fact that the only way I can talk to him is through my mind and I hate it. I miss him. I want him here and I still feel like I lost a body part. Ive come to realize its so much better that he's gone but I want my dad. I miss him so much and I feel bad. I keep wondering if he knew he was dying because one day he was fine and the next he was gone. I talk to him when I get upset and tell him to come with me places. I go to college in Albuquerque NM and the Balloon Fiesta is here this week and its beautiful. He loved hot air balloons and it hurt to realize he will never be able to see it again. At least on Earth. I can feel his love when Im desperate and hurting but I wish I could hear him talk back. His pillow and shirt that I have are starting to fade in scent and it upsets me. Do you guys talk to them? Does it help? I feel him in my heart but I want more lol. I tried to imagine the balloons taking off as me letting him go and be free but its still hard. Here are some of the balloons:
  15. So this is my second post here, and you guys are great. it really helps and makes me cry but I need that, as Ive been having a hard time crying. Ive been wanting to but they wouldnt leave my eyes. Anyway, I lost my dad almost 3 wks ago and I cannot let go of the face he made right before he passed. Its faded and doesnt sting as much but it still breaks my heart. I held my dads hand all the way until he passed and I know he knew I was there because he squeezed my hand, he was just so drugged on morphine that he couldnt keep his eyes open. I hadnt ever seen my dad cry about him having cancer, the entire 3.5 years but once he found out he had 6 mos, he cried. And all he said was that he was sad to leave me and didnt want to. He finally told me a week before he passed, how miserable he had been. I never realized how hard it must have been on him and he never ever told me how sick he felt and it breaks my heart. I know he did that for me and he didnt want me to worry. I would go to his house crying and he would comfort me and tell me that it would be okay and that i really shouldnt worry. I finally told him that if he needed to go, he could because he had been through enough and he looked miserable. And a week later, he did. I had to drive from my college town to my hometown the night before and I told my mom to make the hospital do everything they could so he wouldnt go before I got there. She told him to hang on and he did. He was awake and the first thing he said when he saw me was that he loved me. fast forward to his last hour. He had been intubated and i elected to have it removed because he was fighting it. Like I said, I know he knew i was there because i was holding his hand and he squeezed it reassuringly. seconds before his last breath, his face crunched up in pain, into what i think was a crying face. it wasnt his normal "in pain" face but it was anguish. It broke my heart and I really want to know what it was. I want to know that he wasnt in physical pain when he died. I feel that he was sad he was leaving me but he needed to. my bishop explained it like this "you know when you are lost and scared and you see your parent and they 'save' you? and you crying because you are relieved? i think he did that because he saw Christ." that really helped me but its forever burned into my mind and i just want to know that he wasnt in agony before he died
  16. So I lost my dad on September 7th and I still cannot believe hes gone. I know its only been 3 weeks but I feel so lost. I cant wrap my mind around it. Im numb to things and I feel like I wander around aimlessly. Im back at college and working on assignments but no motivation. I just want to lay there and sleep or get lost in a movie. I feel like Ive aged 10 years in the past 3 weeks and I am so...lost. I feel like I lost a limb. My mom says I am in despair but I am so numb. He got diagnosed with cancer when I was 17. I never thought about it, pushed it to the back of my mind and adamantly thinking "ill think about it later." he was in the hospital for 2 wks after we found out and he got his tumor removed because he gave up for a bit. I just ignored it. Chemo made him sick and he was always cold and I ignored it. I remember talking to my mom and brother a few months ago and them saying they didnt think he would make it another ten years. I was so mad at them. he was fine! he had to walk me down the aisle and meet my kids. He would be there for that and for my college graduation. He had stage 4 cancer but it was just a number. I finally started crying when we found out he was terminal and two months later he had 6 mos to live. I woke my mom up at night cause i was scared. I drove to his house at night because I was sad. it finally came out and then a month later he died. Why did i deny it so long? i think its why I didnt spend all my time with him. I thought he would be there. I needed him to be there. He had to be there. He was my dad and he wasnt ever aging and he wasnt sick. He was fine. How do I get through this? I miss him and I am mad I never accepted it but I was scared. i remember thinking something at night "Ill deal with it when he dies." well here I am. it caught up with me and theres nowhere else to go.
  17. Thank you for this forum topic; I never heard of anticipatory grief until a counselor on a cancer support phoneline introduced me to the term. This I've hit the wall coping. The responsibilities, grief and frustration I feel is overwhelming. I am powerless and can do nothing but support my husband, brother, family and children as we watch and wait for the progression of disease. The loss I feel already is staggering. I can't begin to think about the future. I am barely able to deal with the now. I am emotionally exhausted and the worst is yet to come. On October 5, 2013 my brother (48 yrs) who lives locally, was diagnosed with Stage 4 testicular cancer. Unusual that it was so advanced, but he was in denial of the symptoms. I was devastated, he is my only sibling, single, career military man and it was obvious from the start that he was going to need support scheduling appts and following drs directions; still trying to downplay the seriousness of his diagnosis. Our parents are both 84 years old and feeble. I got him into Stanford Hospital, he began chemo, and within one week contracted a blood borne infection that almost killed him. ICU for 1.5 months, released from hospital Dec. 3rd with an partially amputated left leg. Spent December working with Stanford to clear up the remaining infection and approve him back into chemo. I remember spending Christmas Eve at Stanford at a plastic surgery appt with him. Meanwhile, I run a small business with my husband which we built around my husband's software design skills and we need to keep that going for necessities like shelter and food for our 16 and 22 year old boys. On December 27, 2013 my mostly healthy husband (52 yrs) had a stroke at 3am. EMT's called, rushed to hospital for CT scan and tests revealed metastasized Stage 4 lung cancer to his brain. Emergency crainiotomy removed an egg sized tumor from his frontal lobe. We've been granted a miracle in that he still has speech, his personality, motor skills... but he is almost childlike emotionally, intellectually no longer able to work. It was made absolutely clear by some well meaning but very misguided doctors in the first few days after surgery that his cancer is terminal. The best one said "if you think he'll be here next Christmas, you're fooling yourself. He has weeks, maybe months and will die by stroke, seizure or in bed in the middle of the night". Gee. Thanks, doc. These last few months have been the most horrible, painful, agonizing of my life. I'm running from husband's chemo and radiation to my brother's appts and surgeries, dealing my 16 year old's painful emotions, my parents fears for their son, my husband's fears for himself and us, his confusion and pain, and juggling business projects to contractors. NOTHING IN MY LIFE HAS PREPARED ME FOR THIS!! Everyone says I'm handling things well and how strong I am. I'm not strong, I'm in survival for my family. They don't see my heart breaking daily for the life that I had with my husband. He used to be my strength and my rock. And now surgery is no longer being considered as part of my brother's treatment plan. My brother is thrilled that there will be no surgery. I am the only family member that understands that we are transitioning to pallative care and there will be no cure for him either. I cannot believe that only 6 months ago, I had a great life. I know that I will never have that life back, ever. I could use any suggestions to have the strength to keep going; sharing my situation out to this community gives me hope.
  18. It was about three weeks since Lily’s death and we were in Wanaka, visiting my brother and his partner, leaving my sister back in Auckland. One night while I was there, I woke up after having a dream of Lily. In the dream Lily simply said, “Tell Lou I’m sorry I wasn’t there”. So not thinking much of it, I was prompted to call my sister, Louise. I asked her how she was and she said she was fine, although she said she had been to a funeral the previous day. She had managed to get through the service with dry eyes until the end when someone got up and read the very same poem that she, my sister, had read for Lily at her funeral, three weeks earlier. At this point she lost it and could hold back the tears no longer. Lily had obviously been with her at this funeral, trying to let her know that she was still there with her. Lots of love, Erica The poem read: “Death is nothing at all, I have only slipped away into the next room I am I and you are you, whatever we were to each other That we are still, call me by my old familiar name Speak to me in the easy way you always used Put no difference into your tone Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow Laugh as we always laughed At the little jokes we always enjoyed together Play, smile, think of me, pray for me Let my name be ever the household word that it always was Let it be spoken without effort, without the ghost of a shadow in it Life means all that it ever meant, it is the same as it ever was There is absolute unbroken continuity What is death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you for an interval somewhere very near Just around the corner, All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost One brief moment and all will be as it was before How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!” by Canon Henry Scott-Holland