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Hi, I lost my mum to cancer 8 years ago. I was 17. My brothers were 15 & 13. We have no dad as he never wanted to know us and left years ago. So now I have neither parent. My beautiful mummy was 42 when she died, she would have been 50 this year. She had 16 months of pain and suffering with us by her side until her cancer finally got the better of her and we lost her. Watching her suffer was torture, I actually wanted her to die. How evil is that. But watching your mum the most amazing person in the world die slowly of that horrible disease was the worst thing I've ever gone through. That pain is still so raw 8 years on I can't see that I will live on to lead a happy life without her. All I can think of is after finding out it was terminal and she wouldn't last much longer is the helpless feeling. This feeling I will never forget. I couldn't do anything about it, she was alive, unwell in front of me and getting worse by the day and she was going to die. Soon. Deal with that one. And there's nothing in the world you can do to change that. I'm so angry my head is jumbled. How is that even possible? How and why? Why did she leave me? I'm so angry. Broken. I can't see through this black and tears. She's gone. But she must come back to save me. Is it possible to die of a broken heart? This pain hasn't left me not one bit. It's not easier. Infact it's harder, is there anyone else that feels this way? As much as I can't bare to think other people have and are feeling like this I am sure I am not the only one. Please someone tell me I'm not crazy. I feel like it. I miss her more now than ever. I've had a tough year and need her more than anything. She died before my 18th birthday, we had planned to have a party together. Why? I'm crying so much I just want to scream. All I want answered is why? Why her? This affects every part of my life now and has ever since. This fear of being left alone by people I love that much gets in the way of leading a normal life. I have to ask her everyday to put white light around my two brothers and my fiancé to protect them because I cannot feel that pain and helplessness ever again. I don't want to give up. I feel like it but I can't. But my stupid brain ruins everything because I can't get to grips with losing her. I don't like the person it's made me become. I find a problem in everything. I can't accept things and move on. Every tiny problem is the end of the world. I love too much. Then it scares me because of losing my mum. What if I lose them too? I used to be so confident. Now I am not. All I want to do is sleep and be with my fiancé. I find peace when I am with him but I need and want to find peace on my own. I feel like I am a burden to everyone. How do I get over this? I never will. I don't even know how I will ever accept what happened. I'm angry. There must be someone out there who understands? I don't want anyone to understand it's too painful. I don't get any joy out of anything. I'm tired but I don't want to sleep, I'm hungry but don't want to eat. I am bored but I don't want to move. I'm just existing in a world that's moving forward without me. She must come back I need her advice. I need my mums help right now. I want to know where she is and if she heard me tell her I love her when she took her last breath? Il never be ok. I want to be ok. That's hat she would want but I just can't. It's holding me back from everything. I love her and miss her. Please help. I havent felt like I can talk about it properly until now. It's too painful. Il cry for days non stop if I talk about it but I feel like it's time.