Search the Community

Most of my adult life I have employed a simple concept of using the right tool for the job. I enjoyed working on my cars and my airplane doing as much as I could do with the knowledge I had gained and I have collected quite a few specialty tools to do just one certain task such as say a torque wrench for the correct pound pressure for different bolts. I preface what I am about to say to that single concept. Over my griefs journey I found tools in this same fashion to help me grow and hopefully be less sad. Early on I found grief counseling and then support groups. Soon after I found books and articles that helped me deal with the loss I was enduring. Then of course I discovered this wonderful place and shared while listening to others my experience and sorrow. Going on seven years now I can say the machine is running much better but it still isn't perfect. It still hurts and I still miss her. What is different is that I have grown and I am stronger. I don't cry often but I know now that if I do let myself have that cry it becomes a tool in itself. I took a class in becoming a grief support group facilitator recently with the idea of adding another tool in my griefs tool box. What it did was remind me that everyone's grief is different and the same tools for me don't always fit others. It is like the difference between metric and standard wrenches or a phillips screwdriver as opposed to a flat head, or nitrogen as opposed to oxygen. "The right tool for the job". I took the class to learn what not to say but I learned even more about myself. I learned that in trying to help others I was helping myself. I picked up a few new tools to help me let go of guilt and after all these years I think it is about time. But time is the thing you see. In this class I was instructed on how to recover from grief in eight short weeks. Egad.! That was where we parted company. I understood the concept that was being directed but I knew in my heart of hearts that you just can't pay money, do the homework, read the books, and walk away healed.Grief is not a bomb you can disarm by following the instructions. I was the only member of the class not there to find a new source of income so I kind of stood out. I wanted to stand up and say that after the years I have had since my wife died I would never change a thing. For me a lesson that you take time learning is a lesson well learned. Sure it hurt but I kept on working and even in my sorrow I found ways to smile. When I was told about the seven lies in grief and one in particular was "Time heals all wounds", it had me starting to stand up, say "That's it. I'm out of here", and walk away from it. I'm glad I chose to stay. Time though is a funny thing. It may not heal "all wounds", but it was most certainly my friend and time allowed me to heal. It was right for me. However we choose to learn, grow, and yes........heal, we must do what is right for us. We need to go to the tool store and find what our machine needs. One thing is for certain. We are not new machines. We are older, tried and tested, and always remember. They don't make them like this anymore.