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I just don't know how to cope with what I'm feeling right now. I've dealt with severe depression before but this is a sadness and guilt like I've never known. At 7:00 last night, my puppy, my best friend, was struck and killed by a car. But I feel like it's entirely my fault. His favorite thing in the world is to go on car rides. My brother and I were going to get something to eat, so I decided to bring him along. He was his happiest self in the car, sticking his face out the window with the biggest grin on his face. I even took a video of him dated just a few minutes before he died, which is attached to this post. Usually when I get out of the car when he's inside, I make sure he's sitting and staying before I open the door. This is the one time I didn't, because he was in the backseat so I thought there was no way he could get out. But I was wrong. He jumped through the crack between my seat and the door, and before I knew it he'd hit the ground running. He'd run off a million times before, so we were sure we would catch him. He was even just out of my arms' reach at one point but I just couldn't snag him. My brother almost had him and ran after him, but my dog tried to escape and ran right into the road. It's this part that really kills me. I didn't see the car hit him, but my brother did. My brother said the car hit my dog in the back and spun him around, and that my dog made eye contact with my brother and the look on his face said "Help me," like he knew he'd made a mistake. And then he just kind of laid down in the road. My brother said that face will haunt him forever. The driver didn't even slow down. My puppy had never been out in traffic before. He didn't know the damage a car could do. My brother stopped another car from hitting him (what is wrong with people, STOP or at least SLOW DOWN), picked him up, and carried him back to me. I was in shock. My puppy was still moving a little bit, kicking his legs, trying to breathe. I called 911 - I didn't know what else to do - and begged them to please please please please send whatever they could right now. They could only send a police officer, and by the time he got there, my puppy was gone. I watched him die. I just kept petting him and telling him what a good dog he was and how much I loved him. I don't know when exactly he died so I hope to God that he heard me and that he died knowing how loved and cared for he was. I closed his mouth. I tried to close his eyes but they wouldn't close. I called my parents and they came and met us. We weren't even home, so we had to wrap his body in a blanket and drive him 20 minutes back to our house. We laid him on our porch swing while my dad and brother dug his grave. I couldn't leave his side. I just held him and stroked his fur and sobbed and kept telling him over and over how much I loved him and, "You're such a good boy." I was numb watching my dad put him in the ground. Then I was completely lost. I didn't want to eat, sleep, watch TV, anything. I'm completely distraught. An hour ago, my brother and I dug back down to his grave and laid his favorite toys, a few treats, and a bunch of Cheez-Its (his favorite human food) down in his grave. We listed a bunch of things we'd miss about him and said a prayer over his grave once we laid the sod back on top. I truly don't know how I'm going to move on from this. Or the memory of this. Or the guilt. This dog helped me through so much. I've had him since I was 10 and I'm 22 now. He helped me through depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, broken hearts, abusive parents, everything. He was so innocent and happy and deserved nothing but goodness. He must have been so scared and in pain, and that's what kills me the most. This little pure beam of sunshine having to know such pain and agony. I need to know that dogs go to heaven, that he's happy and healthy and that I'll see him again and be able to apologize to him and tell him I love him and feel his unconditional love again. Imagining the alternative makes me want to die. My puppy was 12 years old, but he still had all the energy of a puppy so it doesn't really feel like he lived that long. I suppose it's of some comfort that he never had to experience the limits that old age would have put on his bod, but it just hurts so much to imagine all the potential years he had left to live, all the memories we could have made. It's so surreal to think that just a few hours ago he was licking me and I was petting him and he was running around the house and happy riding in the car with the wind through his fur and now he's dead in the ground. The pain is unbearable. Can anyone please give me some advice on how to go through this? Or just give me some peace of mind? Do you believe that dogs go to heaven and that I'll see him again? I can't stop thinking about all the things I could have done differently to prevent his death. I feel like I've sobbed my body weight in tears and I just don't know how I'm going to be able to face tomorrow. IMG_1537.MP4

In August 2014 Heaven, a blue nosed pit bull was rescued from death row, starved, over bred and covered in bites and stage 3 heartworms. I always wanted a blue and from her photos I knew I wanted her... in December 2014 I took her home. She had many medical issues she had to fight due to her past and at the end of this past February I knew I was losing the best thing to ever happen to me. She had a lot of friends and I invited her friends to come see her to say goodbye, we thought we had a good week left but it turned into 2 days. My husband and I took her to our vet and they had a room prepared with a blanket for her, every vet tech was with us, I was nose to nose with her looking into her eyes, she knew exactly what was happening and I told her Dr to go ahead. This wasn't my first time losing a loved Pet in such a humane way, each one is different and as her Dr told me what she was doing I told Heaven how much I loved her, she let out a sigh layed her head on my arm and she was gone. The vet techs, even the Dr was crying with me and her daddy, she was that special. I didn't want to get her go, I played with her horribly cropped ears and held her til they began to cool sobbing into her fur. The week after she died was bike week, I saw so many people who loved her and I cherished each one of their hugs, I wanted to get lost in some, never let go. I just want to bury my head in a friends arms and sob. The day I saw the woman who rescued her she hugged me and I didn't ever want her to let go. Luckily she had important visitors so I had to, lucky for her that is. I know I'm not alone in my grief but I've been down this road before and none of the losses ever hurt like this. I'm so lost without her! She was my fur baby, the Best Thing I Ever Did, the smile on my face. Is it wrong to say that losing family members didn't even hurt like this? How do parents who lose children manage? Some days I feel like I'm going to fall completely apart and my husband will find pieces of me when he gets home. The more time goes by the worse the pain gets... I don't get it? I just want her back.... so bad.. We were recently interviewed and you can read about her life... http://www.ormondbeachobserver.com/photo-gallery/after-years-of-abuse-and-overbreeding-this-therapy-dog-has-found-herself-in-the-right-home-a-senior-home

I've lost many pets, but the recent loss of my best friend Heaven has hit me like no other. My heart is shattered, every day is a challenge... How do I live with the pain of her loss? I don't want to "move on" or forget, I've actually had days where I can't leave my house... I get In the shower and I start to sob, things go down hill from there. I don't understand why my pain gets worse as the days go by, in the past I'd be sad then mad then numb. I haven't even gotten throw something at the wall mad like I did when one of my cats passed suddenly. I don't know how to handle it and my friends don't know how to help. Sunday my husband and I got into it, he never really let on how much he is hurting, I try to hide my pain from him and I guess he does the same but Sunday we both kind of pounced. back in the shower the hot tears of sorrow just started and they kept coming, I curled up on one of Heavens beds holding her pillow desperately trying to smell her. I cried for hours at the same time texting my gf and the last thing she needs right now is her crazy friend adding to her stress... I got the booklet that came with Heavens remains and found this site.. Yesterday in Florida where I am stuck living a man killed his gf, her father, shot her two young sons and two other witnesses, one of the young boys died this am and his father has been on the news. I'm watching the news bawling for the loss this man feels. If I'm having this much trouble dealing with my loss I can't even begin to imagine how he is going to deal with his. ????

The other night, I missed My Margaret soooo much (like all the other nights too) and made this little slide show - for that's the way I feel. I used some of our hiking pics and an appropriate song as background. I wish to share here - if I may. I'm not sure if the slideshow is viewing smooth - could be a bit "choppy" because our internet connection not so solid - if choppy, please let me know, I will then reload another day.

Since Dad's passing I've become fascinated with what Heaven is like. I was reading "The Lovely Bones" the week of his death & I like the books version of heaven-that it's your favorite places & things you might not have had on earth & there are different areas you can go & jobs you do. I imagine Dad up there with my 4 yr old sister, in an area with lakes and mountains & trees, log cabins & lots of horses & 3-wheelers to ride. Dad's dream was to have a horse farm & go to Alaska. His favorite things to do was to travel up to Vancouver or out West with friends where they rode 3 wheelers & did lots of horse back riding. He rode on many trail rides with my oldest sister's group & loved it. So I think that's where they are [since Cindy died 2 yrs before I was born & she was 4 I'm not sure about her or her heaven]. He spends his days with our angel family & friends & even his heroes like John Wayne, playing cards, drinking beer, boating, fishing & talking. Dad was an angel on earth, always volunteering & helping others so I'm sure he's doing something like that there too. Then he & Cindy get together so he can be her daddy again. I know he watches us still & helps us-I've felt him & he would never stop that. I'm curious what others think of heaven. ........

Today is the one month mark since my dad has passed away and I feel like this has been the fastest yet the slowest month, if that makes sense. Im still feeling lost. Im pressed for time with school, which really helps but I remember that he wont be here for my 21st birthday on the 18th and that when I go home, I cant go to his house. Well, I can but he's not there. His ashes are there but its not him. I sometimes forget to talk to him daily and I feel guilty. People say that its possible and its a good idea to keep a relationship with them going but when I think about the fact that the only way I can talk to him is through my mind and I hate it. I miss him. I want him here and I still feel like I lost a body part. Ive come to realize its so much better that he's gone but I want my dad. I miss him so much and I feel bad. I keep wondering if he knew he was dying because one day he was fine and the next he was gone. I talk to him when I get upset and tell him to come with me places. I go to college in Albuquerque NM and the Balloon Fiesta is here this week and its beautiful. He loved hot air balloons and it hurt to realize he will never be able to see it again. At least on Earth. I can feel his love when Im desperate and hurting but I wish I could hear him talk back. His pillow and shirt that I have are starting to fade in scent and it upsets me. Do you guys talk to them? Does it help? I feel him in my heart but I want more lol. I tried to imagine the balloons taking off as me letting him go and be free but its still hard. Here are some of the balloons:

http://einsteinsgifts.com/2014/02/26/lucy-died-and-came-back-to-tell-me-about-it/ This blog is in my email today and it reminded me of all the conversations we have had here about Life after Life...(Does it exist? If not, what does? iI so, what is it like? Is there evidence? Why do some believe it does and some believe it doesn't? How does spirituality, faith, religion, philosophy, fit in here?) The questions are endless. So I am starting this topic for people of all beliefs to share whatever they wish. When we lose our beloved, the thing we wish is to be reunited with them, of course, "we want them back" and that leads to discussions of life after life...possibility or probability or reality. Here is the blog, Einstein's Gifts, that led to this topic being created. Lucy died and came back to tell me about it. Posted on February 26, 2014by kjtysver “The mystical trend of our time, which shows itself particularly in the rampant growth of the so-called Theosophy and Spiritualism, is for me no more than a symptom of weakness and confusion. Since our inner experiences consist of reproductions, and combinations of sensory impressions, the concept of a soul without a body seem to me to be empty and devoid of meaning. “ - Albert Einstein, letter of February 5, 1921 “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”.- Albert Einstein Albert, it seems that in this instance, you have forgotten the sacred gift. You should have stuck around for quantum physics. I already told you my true life ghost story and that afterwards I couldn’t go back to being an atheist. It’s not that a ghost proves there is divinity, but it does prove that there’s something else beyond our small world. We can be very egocentric and believe that there is nothing more than us as humans on our very special planet. Why wouldn’t there be beings on other planets? The Sun is one of over 200 billion stars, just in our galaxy! There are billions of solar systems out there in the universe and chances are that at least one or two of them support life forms. The odds seem to suggest that. There is so much we don’t know. Shortly after my true life ghost story I was reading a book by Raymond Moody, M.D. called Life After Life. Working as a doctor, he had a patient report that they had died and been to heaven and then returned. He dismissed this story as just neural misfirings in the brain causing hallucinations. But, then other patients of his started reporting the same phenomena. Not only did they report near death experiences, but they reported the same sequence of events. It didn’t matter what religious or belief system in which they were raised they all reported the stages in their near death experience. They all left their bodies, many reported exploring the general area where their body was and beyond, reporting after their revival the conversations they had heard and the people they saw in other areas of the hospitals. To me, the book was fascinating. The people who had a Near Death Experience stated that after understanding they had left their bodies they would then go through a tunnel or doorway and enter a place of brilliant light. They are met by people they know who have passed before them. These loved ones are bathed in light, as if a light radiated from within them. They also meet other beings of light. After meeting these beings of light, they meet what they call God, or Jesus, or whatever their religious or spiritual upbringing would best represent this being of light and love. They are then brought through a life review. Dr. Moody interviewed thousands of people who claimed to have had near death experiences, in fact he coined the phrase. After years of research and interviews he wrote his book. I was working in a very small nursing home at this time. I really loved my job and like all nurses (and people) I had a few favorite patients. When I got to work that morning i found out that Lucy had been re-admitted the day before from a spell in the hospital. It had looked very bad for her, touch and go, for a few days. She had pulled through and was now back in her room. When I went in to bring her her meds a little while later she looked pretty weak and was obviously still recovering from her illness. We chatted for a few minutes and I told her how happy I was that she was back. We were close. She started to tell me about her experience. I was astounded. She told me that she had died and left her body. She talked about seeing a doorway and on the other side was a brilliant light. She stepped through the doorway and was met by her aunt. Lucy’s parents had died when she was very young and she had been raised by her aunt. I was so curious. I had just finished reading Dr. Moody’s book and here I was talking with Lucy about her near death experience. I asked her what her aunt had looked like and she told me that she looked as she did when Lucy was a child. Just the way she remembered her. Then she went through another doorway and she was met by God, not in any form, but as love and light. She said that no words were spoken, but she knew everyting that was being conveyed to her. She was taken by God through a life review and she saw her whole life before her. Though her life was shown to her in its entirety it felt as though it took only moments to review. She was shown by God everything she had done wrong, but she said there was no judgment at all. Only love. She didn’t once feel anything but love, even though she learned of all of her mistakes. She was just shown why they were mistakes and she had complete understanding of all. And her face when she was telling me, at first she was embarassed. Her family and the doctors had told her it was hallucinations brought on by dehydration and exhaustion, but she didn’t believe them. When I listened to her and told her about Dr. Moody’s work she was so grateful. She had been afraid everyone would think she was crazy. Even having gone through the humiliation with her family and doctors she was still compelled to continue to talk about it. Lucy was a bright woman who knew that she might be inviting further ridicule and disbelief, but her intuition told her that it wasn’t a dream or hallucination. She knew it was real. By the end of her retelling of her near death experince she was glowing. The universe sent her someone to validate her experience. I was sent someone to validate my beliefs. Lucy was so relieved to be able to tell her story to someone who understood. How wonderful for both of us. She was told by God that she had a choice of whether to go on or go back. She chose to go back. Lucy didn’t stay with us on this plane too much longer, but this much I know, she wasn’t afraid to die. Intuitive Affirmations: There is synchronicity in my life. Everything I need is provided at the right moment. I am aware of the synchronistic events in my life. I trust my intuition. I know what I know. I do not limit my beliefs to what my five senses can percieve. I am limitless. I am open to all expereinces. I love my life! Imagine a world where everyone was open to new experiences and ideas. This world would have no prejudice, no bigotry, and no limits. Check out Dr. Moody’s book, Life After Life.

Chinook the Ferret passed 2-22-12. In my heart I felt I should have put him down a few months back but I felt he still has some earthly pleasures, eating, snuggling, and so on even though his behind legs were going out. The day he died, I knew I had to put him down the day before but we both knew. I remember I took a week off work and my last day, I was praying for God to take him because I knew I could not handle it,. I remember crying and Chinook crawling to me and licked the tears off my face. The worst day of my life and I pray for my life to end to end the pain in my heart, Fast forward almost an year and half later, and the sting of his death is still with me. I keep on telling me, this soon will pass and I think of Nikomi, my other ferret and even though I am sad, it is not grief stricken like Chinook. Chinook was always my favorite and I supposed it is my fault for building my life around this wonderful critter and now he is gone. The worst part, I am now being exposed to more and more people in my life that state animals do not have souls. Nothing is written in the Bible and I quote scriptures such as "and the Lion will eat with the sheep in harmony" which suggests there is a place in Heaven for God's creatures and then I get these people that say, you have to be reborn again, believe in Jesus, etc etc and animals have no concept of God so therefore they are here on earth to entertain us and to be eaten and that is it. So what is the purpose of dying or going to Heaven if my Chinook is not going to be there, I have lost family members in my life and I have grieve for them but I also know the Bible teaches we will be reunited in Heaven, I am so lost and cry and cry more and more but always in private because the people in my life are tired of hearing about Chinook the Ferret and for obvious reason why I do not have another ferret, It is almost welcoming to be separated in my relationship so I can get another ferret but I know that will not happen. No other ferret or other animal for that reason can replace my Chinook. I am so lost. Would like to share this short video I made on You Tube that sums up how I feel in this post. Thank you for listening.