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My husband of 36 years has advanced vascular (agitated) dementia; I see him every day at the skilled nursing facility where he lives. He knows me completely, but he doesn't not know much else (such as where he is or why). He is still very devoted and loving, but as a professor, father-figure, and a mentor to many family members and students over the years, I've noticed that at least half of them have disappeared since his decline - people I thought were family. Fortunately I do have some good friends, but I felt lonely so I called a local church about joining a grief group; they said I couldn't come because my husband was still alive. I understood, but did see something darkly funny about being rejected from a grief group! I thought of writing an essay about this "Good Grief: Rejected by a Grief Group."

Hi everyone. I lost my dear girlfriend Z. nearly 7 months ago when she was killed in a car accident. At the point of accident, I had several very close friends. Like, I-disclose-everything-in-my-life kind of close. Then came the crush. They all were really trying to differing extents. At first, I thought I just wanted to be with those others who were also friends with Z. The idea of sitting together with my then-close friends, trying to chat and me being totally crushed felt so out of place. Likewise, I was having a really hard time with talking on the phone in general (actually I still do) and replying the messages (this one I got over selectively), which became a real cause of disconnection especially from two of my friends who were living abroad. Though I should say that being in the same country didn't make much difference back then. Now, after seven months I can see that it wasn't just a technical problem, like me being unable to use the mediums of connection. I felt disconnected inside, because what happened in my life suddenly destroyed my way of seeing the world, which was the main thing that brought us together in the first place. I think I just couldn't bear the thought of seeing the life I was part of simply going on without much change. And it is going on. I can see the heart-shaped and smiley comments they exchange on Facebook, their angry posts about politics, their carefree photos displaying their good moments in those countries they live. As you can see, it still makes me kind of resent. First, I resented that their life didn't change at all and refused to connect with them, and now I think I resent that they are okay with me being out of the picture. In fact, I noticed that one of them came to visit the country (and the very city) I live in with his boyfriend, and did not even attempt to let me know. He wanted his visit to be about sharing his home country with his partner I'm guessing. Maybe the other one came too and I don't know. Am I angry? I'm not sure. I am the one who abandoned them in the first place. But I feel surprized to see that I was so dispensable. These were people that I thought we would be friends until the end of our lives. Now I'm not even sure myself that I want to be friends with them. Maybe they feel the same about me, which then feels really unfair because in all of these there is so little I can help with. On the other hand, some others kept checking on me once in a while, and after all these months, I'm starting to feel gratitude for knowing that I can still have them in my life, if I can just figure out what kind of a person I am now. It's just tiring. Not being able to decide what to think. Am I blaming them, not blaming them, am I blaming myself? Am I letting go, or am I gonna take some action? Do I want to take any action? There is this strong feeling of uneasiness in me, which I don't know how to resolve.