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A New Time ~"There is territory of loss only we can enter. ~Martha Hickman I feel like I'm trying to make a transition from acute or short-term grief to long-term grief and I find myself struggling to find my place, again. I think the difference is that, with initial grief, people gather tightly around you, they travel closely with you. Life doesn't have much normalcy, the loss is out in front, the entire landscape of life. Long-term grief is a regaining some normalcy to life and living. A time of letting go of that tight circle that is carrying you and continuing a more solo journey although not totally alone. I need a sense of normal in my life. I don't want to be the odd-ball-out, the grieving woman. I don't want my whole identity to be my loss. I want people to see me for who I am first, and my pain second. Plus, it is too much to ask of those in my life, to be still carrying my pain. The difficult thing that comes with this is I feel like it will be forgotten, I will be forgotten, Chloe will be forgotten. People will look at me now and see someone who appears to be strong and well-adjusted. Someone who has healed. This couldn't be further from the truth. I know I still have work to do, I fall to pieces, I am shattered. There is never a day I don't feel it. The shock and feeling lost have left to a degree but still exist. I cry, I become despondent and detached, staring at ceilings, walls and floors. I lose my appetite, become irritable, want to disappear. I constantly work on regaining trust and confidence in life. I have bouts of anxiety and fear. I often don't want to be close to anyone as there is the lingering reality of losing them. I protect my heart. Life is work with moments of joy. I am working to allow myself to be happy, to figure out what happiness means now, in this new context, and how to obtain it. I am becoming better at letting myself be in the moment, whatever that means, knowing that a new moment will come.